Thanks so much for the replies. As for hiring a PI, I am supposed to be leaving with him next week. So I am running out of time. I am so torn about the whole leaving thing. There is already a GPS thing on his truck that the company uses to keep track. I seriously think if he does not go pick those flowers, as small as it might seem, it may be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Granted, I may have a change of heart once I see him. He always wins me over, lord knows it doesn't take much ! One of my fav songs is - A Question of Lust by Depeche Mode. I've got the lust, just need the trust !

I do know he does have a son born to him when he was around 18 or so. The son has the same exact name. I have never spoken with him or his mother. I think they live near here. (I did a Zaba search on him) My WH can close the door on the people in his life very easily. He is estranged from his WHOLE family. I, of course, am the exact opposite. Why don't I listen more to my head and less to my heart. Although my heart is getting pretty sick of it.

Thanks so much for the concern. I am really detaching here and it feels scary, but refreshing.

Car

Have you ever met his family?

You know, it sometimes blows my mind why people feel the need to try and rationalize a situation to make one feel better. That NEVER does anyone any good, yet WE always do this.

People, HELLO !!!!!!!!!!!!!! The man has money being GARNISHED from his check. Do you really think that he has NO IDEA what the money is for, or that it is possibly for an OLD CS order. Come on. Why can't we just be HONEST about things. All of this tippey toeing around the obvious is ridiculous and actually insulting.

Carnation, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I told you before that I thought that your WH was a dead total loser, and that you should run for the hills. I thought you were being severely played, yet Steve H told you different and that you were making progress, so I apologized for my error in assessing your situation. I hope I am still wrong.....but sadly I think not here.

For the love of God, please don't put yout head in the sand here on this one. You have been "playing the fool" long enough.

Sour....

Hi Mel, thanks for replying. Yes, we have been married for 9 years. For the first few years we saw his mother, two sisters, my WH daughter, etc. It all seemed quite normal. Then slowly they are started to get estranged from each other bit by bit. I don't think he has seen or spoken to any of them for about 5 years. I have always said that he doesn't mix well, doesn't like anyone except me. Ha ha, seems like there was someone else he was liking a whole lot more than me !!
Talk about fence sitting, wouldn't take much to push me over about now.

Thanks again, Car

Car:

If you buy any story FROM HIM on this, then please let me sell you a prime piece of Florida swamp land that I have been trying to unload. If I were you, and I found this, I would not listen to a freaking word from him, and would strictly VERIFY EVERYTHING for myself. Yeah, I know what Steve says about LB's...whatever.....If this OW/OC CS business is true, than you are truly fooling yourself here. Your WH is just not the man who you somehow have convinced yourself he is. As far as I am concerned, it doesn't really matter what he says when he gest back from the road trip. You have your life hanging in the balance here. I would leave NO STONE unturned on this one. Hire a PI, do whatever, but you better be sure you knwo what you are getting into here with this man. He sure doesn't appear to be the person who you thought. Yes, I know about Alien abductions and all.......this is REALITY though, so I would get real.

Sour..

Yikes, I almost fell off my fence. Thanks Lemon for taking the time to reply. Really, you know I need it or else you wouldn't have said. For that I am grateful.

Speaking of SH, I wrote down every single thing good and bad about our M. About me and about WH. Since the appt. before mine ran late, I got alot of extra time with SH. Alot. We talked and talked. I just think that given my desire and abandonment issues, SH thought it best to advise working on another approach to "open the doors to the rooms in WH life". Which I agree but 1) may be an impossibility 2) I am losing interest in it quickly

Lemon, I am losing in this game of cat and mouse. I can't win.... can I ???


Car

whatever story he gives you---have it backed up with court orders and written proof from wh. let him take you down to cs office and prove it!!! do not buy anything that comes out of his mouth without written proof.

and about the flowers----i had something similar happen. wanted them for so long....finally got them....after looking at them for a few minutes the anger started to boil in me and i preceeded to chop off their little heads!!! be prepared!

I don't think SH understands that you are being played, carnation. Your H is living a double life and is probably keeping you strung along to support him. I hope I am wrong as rain about this, but I don't believe I am. SH is not a fool by any measure, but I don't think he has been given the full story.

No one has their check garnished and doesn't know why. That is such a blantant lie I am shocked he said that.

I wonder what he has told his family about you, Car? I would call them up for a nice chat just to verify that they know you are still married. Wonder if they know about their grandchild?

And Car, I don't understand why you can't hire a P.I. to do a background check on him? And why can't you put a GPS unit on his truck?

Car said a few posts ago that she is suppose to leave with him in about a week. GPS is already on his truck due to work.

I am not sure how the PI thingy would work if he is traveling soo much.

So here's my suggestion, carnataion you should not jump to conclusions. Let the WS know you found out some info and need the 'real explanation with crediable proof'. When he gives an explanation, take it , say nothing and go check it out. His job is to tell you the truth w/proof. Your job is to put his truth and proof to the test.

This is a 2 step plan.

Can you do it?

Hugz,
L.

yes, I realize that. But what does that have to do with my suggestion that she put a GPS on his truck that she can track? Are you saying she can access the current GPS unit so this is not an issue? Please explain how the current GPS is going to help her because I am not getting it.

Orchid, she doesn't need a P.I. to "follow" him, he is a truck driver, for God's sake. She needs a P.I. to do a BACKGROUND and RECORDS CHECK as I said earlier.

Thanks for all the replies. DDs brought grandkids over to visit with me today because they think (I am still not sure) that I will be leaving this week. I just did not plan on them all being here for 9 hours. A few hours is wonderful, after that I start to lose my patience.

For both of his recent truck driving jobs there were extensive background checks done on him to secure job. I have looked at theses. They did not reveal anything new to me. Granted, he may very well be living a second whole life, but it would show little on paper. Absolutely no paper trail whatsoever. The man owns nothing. Everything is either mine, or in my name. I have always thought he was very simple, could be very complex !!

Now child support issue should be traceable. I will just have to figure how where I need to go on Monday to find out. The actual child support part of the court was NO help at all. I think Brit said Clerk of the Court. If anyone knows where these records would be, I would be very grateful. My gut tells me he is lying again... duh

Talking to him disgusts me. I even hung up on him twice today. He got kinda pissy with me and I just said good bye. Like I have said, I feel like I am doing a real good job of detaching from him, whether I really want to or not. It is happening.

I do not believe him and I am not ignoring anything at all. I have searched and done practically everything I can think of to uncover something, anything tangeable. This court thing he may not be able to hide from. This man is slick, real slick. But I have always thought that I could have a criminal mind if need be, but he is a tough one. I have met my match in these matters. But - who will win ?? One way or another, right must win. It just must !!!

Thanks as always - Car

carnation, so the truck driving jobs did background searches on child births, court orders, marriages, addresses, etc? That sounds odd. Then what did it say about this child support order and why are you surprised? Somehow I don't think they were looking for the same kind of things you were looking for. That is why I am suggesting you hire a P.I. to find all this.

As far as GPS, if he is living a second life, he might have a second home. This would be a good way to find that out.

Bumping up for help in finding out child support records

We all live in Texas, Tarrant Co. Well, actually I now live in Johnson Co and love it here. A nice slow change from the big city of Arlington.

If anyone knows how I can obtain these cs records tomorrow, please let me know today. It was there as plain as dirt on his check.

Child Support..........$$$$


Help please. WH keeps saying it must be from his first wife. He will not give me any info and could care less, as is his usual deal.

Thanks so much. Cell phone records no longer do me any good as I feel he has gone to calling cards/pay phone route. That time a couple of weeks ago, he called me on my cell from his, on my screen it said - call 1. Which it normally reads his name and number. But the received call was from (no name) figures. what is up with that ??

Thanks so much. Carnation

Car:

What do you specifically want help with? Mel has already given you excellent advice. You and YOU alone are responsible for accepting so many thousands of times before when you say that " He will not give me any info and could care less, as is his usual deal".

I re-read your story, and now I am sadly convinvced that the Pope did not get all of the information when he recommended continued PLan A and that he thought you were making progress. He could not possibly have. I almost get a sense from your posts after the SH call that you were saying (summarizing thoughts here) that Steve had you take this kindler approach becasue he knows how much you love you husband and how you are not into conflict and didn't want to push your WH away. Well, I am gonna say this here and now and risk a lynching by the "zeals", but if Steve H knew all of your INFO and still recommended you stay in PLan A and thinks you are making progress, then I truly question if his motives are more tied to getting books sold and extending counsleing sessions. After all, he is in the FOR PROFIT BUSINESS (and profits handidly from this) of saving marriages. Every marriage that he can stave off divorce is another book sold and another 185.00/hr consultation fee. I am not accussing anyone of anything, but in your case, I am truly wondering the wisdom here. I have always been trained to ask questions, even from the "experts". Surely Steve Harley has not been "right" on every single affair evaluation that he has made OVER THE PHONE no less, in his life. That cannot be possible. It isn't possible. There is NEVER EVER anything wrong with questioning some elses opinion...even if in the end, they are right. I am not disrespecting the Expert here, but am just questioning some things. If that rubs someone the wrong way.....well. I say BOO HOO... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sour..

LM, that is exactly why I think SH doesn't have the full story. He has told others who are in abusive situations to take steps to protect themselves. SH is in business to make money,[isn't that why we all work? it sure why I go to work every day!] but I have never known him to sacrifice principles in such a pursuit and do not think that is the case.

Car,

This stuff is public record...you have a puter, start by checking the county you live in...online court records then in an expanding circle do the counties around you.

This may not help if he is a long haul trucker, could be anywhere in the country but you have to start somwhere.

Why not check in the county where his EX lives? If it is her then there is your record.

Me? Personally?

I just ask "let me see the order" plain and simple. If he says he doesn't have it then ask who it's for, if he says EX then call her and ask..sometimes the simple approach works best.

Since he already said it "could be the EX" (which I think is a lie) then whats stopping you from calling her and asking? Gotta step outside your comfort zone if your gonna find the truth

Yes, I agree with you (sigh !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), and that is precisily why I asked this question. SH cannot possibly know the full story and still give the advice he gave. If he did, I am saying I would sincerely have to question his motives on THIS case. Yes, we are all in the business to make money (let NOONE fail to realize that), and I do not think many people compromise their intergrity for financial gain, but in this case, if the facts are as they are presented here, then I have to ask WHY?

I do know some doctors who would do a medically uneccesary test or procedure for financial renumeration. This is not to say that SH is doing this or has ever done this. But in this case, the question does need "begging".

Sour.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: Carnation, none of this is condeming you here. Often we (including me) portray the "true" situation with rose colored glasses. One can only go on the FACTS as presented to them, and often the Betrayed Spouse is often in a sea of DENIAL and can't accurately portray things. This is why I was so suprised at what recommendations you recieved from SH. I think even now, as you are faced with a MAJOR revelation of your WH, you are still trying to remain in a "comfort zone" with it. I can understand. PLease do not think I am coming down on you here, but this HAS to be said for yor long term benefit.

Sour.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the replies and the concerns. With all that I hold close to my heart - I told SH EVERYTHING !!! I wrote it all down so as not to forget a thing. I even called my best friend beforehand and went over all that I wanted to cover, which was everything. She even thought of a few things that I had left out.

After talking with SH, I called her first. She could not believe his advice either !! And disagreed with it. She kept saying, ok who exactly told you to contact him ? Are they in cahoots ?? (She does not totally understand this board or the concepts. I do know and so appreciate y'all looking out for me.) Oddly he recommended that you two listen to his tapes in the truck !!!! How odd she said sarcastically. I, of course, was hanging on SH every word.

I have learned years ago, it is ALWAYS best to tell the truth. Of course, I do not try to hurt people's feelings - how does my hair look, stuff like that. But in dealing with others who constantly lie, I shut them out of my life. I can not be bothered to listen to those who do not tell the truth. I want others to like me and respect me (this I think is very clear !! lol) and try to always present myself truthfully, painfully so.

Up until this child support issue I was thinking that Plan A may continue to work. WH does seem to love me so. And, I do believe that he has cheated in the last year or so, probably much longer. And, I really do not know if the A is over.

Thank you so much for your concern for me. Please believe me when I say that SH got the WHOLE story, from day one. Everything !!! and that was his advice. A soft approach to get into the rooms of his life. Oh, and buy the tapes, which I have.

I must now get to the bottom of the cs issue. I can not find a phone number for her. This was 30 years ago, she has probably changed her name. I am stumped !!

Car

P.S. Ok, let me have it. I am dealing with the world's biggest liar right now !! Well, we all know WS lie. But this may very well be getting out of hand. help please

Well, I still stand by my opinion. I admittedly am no expert on this stuff, but I do know from working with many highly trained and skilled people, that even the "renowned experts" are wrong at times. I am not an expert, but that will NOT hold me from having an opinion nonetheless. My opinion is free, so perhaos that is all it is worth...LOL.

I am certainly not afraid to challenge this advice you got. Not much else to say. How are the tapes working out for you?

Best of luck with this situation.

Sourmale <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />