Car, PLEASE calm down.

Rebuilding a relationship requires learning the messages of factors affecting it. Anything else is like putting a sticking platser on a cancer.

Pep's not belittling your sit because you aren't currently married, she's trying to help you investigate that within youself that drew you to a five times married man, to divorce him, then to cohabit as his wife ever since.

I am nowhere NEAR experienced to help you in this Car, but Pep IS.

Please do not be defensive and pep can help you examine the dynamics of yoru relationship and how you feel.

or she can back off i'm sure if you ask.

Sorry about the cellphone incident car. i guess it was a long time coming though, huh ?

{{{car}}}

Bob - When I clicked back onto to GQ - and saw that you had replied to my thread - I said out loud - Oh no, not him too !!!!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Car

Car you're stinging over this and Its my guess that means its something you should investigate, if not with Pep, then with Steve Harley.

my issue was codependency. I had no identity independent of my roles in my family and i was "completed" by Squid. He affair ripped out my guts as sting does with a honey bee.

One of the messages of Squids affair was "its too big a burden for me to be responsible exclusively for your happiness. I need room to be able to f'k up without feeling I disappointed you".

And so i learned to work on mutuality instead of codependency.


and if you read the threads where pep MADE me confront the message fo Squids affair THEY were shouty threads too !<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But its necessary to do this car. Here or with Steve.


All blessings

Your apology should be offered to Carnation not Pep. Your cruelty to her in your posts is beyond comprehension.

Car:

Did you put the phone recorder on?

What about a keylogger? I hope you get the answers you are looking for.

weaver,

I don't see how I was cruel to her. I was asking for clarification on some things. How can one be married...and divorced at the same time? How can one be remarried when no wedding took place? How can one claim that the other is free to look elsewhere if he wants...and then have the hounds of ****** after him with the recording devices, PI's, and tracking devices? How does that play out?

Words are saying one thing...and actions are saying entirely something different.

People's actions have to match their words or their credibility is shot.

She needs to get focused on the dynamic of that relationship...exactly where is it? what is it...before any rules can apply to it.

Of course, this is just my opinion.

committed

Committed,

I normally enjoy reading your posts, and value your insight but this post just seemed to take hurtful jabs at Carnation and her WH.

I was more than shocked to see it coming from you, that's all.

Carnation is under a great deal of emotional duress right now, regardless of her legal marital status. And yes I agree that she does need to take a look at her part in all of this mess, but lets give her a little respect.

Respectfully Weaver. (and I really was sincere in that I usually value your insight a great deal)

Respectfully Weaver. (and I really was sincere in that I usually value your insight a great deal)

Thank you weaver. I feel the same way when I read your posts.

I just found it very confusing..that's why I said "nevermind"...that I found it confusing at best. What she is doing is not good for her.

Sometimes it helps me to step back and figure out the dynamics of the relationship. What is MY place in this...who am I to this person?

Something has to give...and she might as well start at the beginning. What he is doing now could be a result of other issues...not that it is RIGHT...just that it could be.

Respectfully,

committed

Thank you, too.

Threadjack over, misunderstanding cleared up.

Thinking of you Carnation.

Weaver - Thanks for the reply and concern.

Brit - If you are reading this can I e mail you my information regarding my WH and myself, and could you please look it up in Public Records in Johnson Co. that I am indeed married !! Please for me. This could solve one little issue here.

If anyone one of you cares at all about my situation, could you please reply, in kind or not. When my WH came home he told me - go look in the truck, I have something for you. Well there they were - my flowers !! So he did pick them and yes that should have made me feel happy. But did I stop there, no. Checked his cell that was in there.

Numerous calls from a blocked number (no name) from July 2 - July 9. I tried to memorize the times. I did a few of them and have since checked records online. The 3 I can recall are 4, 9 and 15 mins. each. There is possibly one for 46 min. but I can not absolutely rememeber if that was one or not. And, I can not recheck as he has smashed his cell to a million pieces.

Granted these were all just before the day when I called her, called her father and the next day the police called me. I do not know if contact ended over all that or not.

On the way to the bank today, him yelling and cussing me like crazy man, he said in the middle of it (I was calm and questioning him like a prosecutor) do you know where this person lives ? Let's just go there and talk with her. Now this was a crazy loud mess. I told him - no, was this a set up so I could get arrested ?? I am sure that he thought that I would not want to go. Part of me did, part of me didn't. Now after viewing online records of these calls, I wish we would have gone over there. Certainly could have gotten something out in the open or closed or something. I guess I chickened out.

He has tried to make up, I am having none of it. I really am at the end of my rope here. but this also could be a chance to get some answers one way or the other. I am a complete wreck today, starting with this morning.

I can hold my own in any kind of argument or disagreement. But these matters of the heart and my sanity and pride are absolutely killing me !!! (regarding the A)

Yes, Pep -- I know, I know that I should not have divorced my H because of finances. But I did. Can't change that now. But since we were not REALLY married all those years, as we are now, he knew he was free to go at any time, as I have told him repeatedly since suspecting this A. I do believe he loves me and I am his rock. He tells me this. And I can tell. But this A he has gotten himself into, I mean she is 29, he is 50. Granted he is very good looking and knows this. But UNTIL I can get him to open up and as SH advised, try to get into his inner self, just to use a different approach, I do not know what to do.

A huge part of me wants this to work - A huge part of me says I can't put myself throught much more pain.

I guess I am just vening and journaling here to get this all out and make myself feel a little more something. The way I have been singled out today and lashed around, I doubt if few care any more. And, perhaps I am flattering myself as if any ever did.

This is all coming to a head - not at a very good time I am afraid. Story of my life. We can go there at a later date, I have no problem at all discussing anything I have done.

Thanks as always for listening. I really have not changed one single bit here. Perhaps except maybe coming out of my sugar coma rather loudly, and for that I am sorry.

Yes, I got the phone recorder, does not seem to be working or I have it hooked up wrong. figures.

Car

To all those who I may have offended today with my defensiveness - I am truly sorry. Please forgive the way I acted and lashed out.

I should have acted more mature, but I didn't. I can't change that. But I can only say that I wish it all hadn't happened.

Pep - I am sorry I jumped to such rediculous conclusions. I could go on and on with excuses but it won't make it any better. Please forgive me for today.

I am in pain here and need to do something constructive to this mess soon. I do not know what to do. I feel very alone and it is of my own doing.

I do not know what else to do or say !!!!

Car

You don't have to say anything at all. I jumped too far ahead of where you are ... my mistake.

This is a discussion that cannot happen right now. I really do understand. Sorry for pushing.



Take care of yourself as best you can.

Orchid: Read this again. Do you see and hear the babbling? You want this split personality in your home? You want t/b riding in a truck with Jekyll and Hyde at the wheel?



Orchid: Here's the other personality. It doesn't show up very often and certainly doesn't stick around long. Do you really feel safe around these 'character'?

No wonder you feel like a complete wreck. I would too. Now what do you think you should so that you don't feel like a complete wreck?


Orchid: Work out what and with whom? I don't believe your H has returned yet. The alien has landed and wants to live in your home. R U gonna let him in as is? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Pep - Thank you for replying. It means alot to me. When I get stronger, we will talk !!! Looking forward to it.

Orchid - Thanks for replying. Everytime I am asked a question here, since there is so much truth to it and about it, it always makes me think. Hits home, so to speak.

Please y'all, do not think your comments and advice is going in one ear and out the other. I do listen. Your advice speaks volumns. It may not seem to you that anything in me is changing - but I am. I can feel it. I have gotten much stronger and smarter since being here on MB. How could I not ??

My actions or lack of them may not say this. But I feel much stronger. I am trying to deal with WH and OW the best way I can. What will work for ME.

Steve did tell me and I believe he is right - my WH will probably take this secret to the grave. So we are not going to get a confession out of him - ever. In that comment, he was right on. Unless somehow I can find this out with undeniable truth, it will never be something we can talk about and work through.

Hoping to get phone recorder working today. Checking mileage on my car. Doing all I can do, have written a Plan B type letter and WH said that everything will be fine. Of course, he has said this for months. I am not sitting here idle. I have 3 days to make a decision here.

I will not refer to or bring up yesterdays dealings on MB unless asked. I am sorry for what I said and hope it was accepted. Laid to rest.

As always (I hope) car

my story is somewhat similar to yours. i found out about H affair through a letter from child support with an order for back child support. he of course denied parentage and by the time i found out about the second one who is a newborn i was devastated because i knew better but i wanted so badly to believe in him. when he finally confessed the truth it was because i beat the ****** out of him to get to the truth. he finally confessed that the children may or may not be his. my advice is to take your feelings and emotions one day at a time because it is going to be a roller coaster. i told my husband that he needs to understand that life as he knew it was over and i needed time to figure out what i want to do next and if he didn't think that he could wait for my answer then let it end now. he chose to stay. we are now waiting for DNA test results. i hope that they are not his but if they are i still don't know what i will do. be strong. what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

((( t27 )))

My situation is not what you are thinking. Heck, it isn't even what I am thinking. The cs issue, according to public records, is for his d who is about 25 or so. Not that he does not have a child out there, but I am unaware of it.

I know this may not sound like much - but be very grateful that your WH has finally confessed. This gives you a base to work from. My WH will not admit to a darn thing. I know, he knows, thousands of people here know he is in an A. If it is over, it has been recent.

Anyway, thanks for replying. Please please continue to post here. These people know what they are talking about.
Listening to their advice will help your situation. Really.

Carnation