i have just said a prayer for you and i will continue to keep you and your W in my prayers.

You have my prayers Fox. I pray that God shows you the way. It will come to you in time as it has for me and is part of the process. By realizing her infidelity you will finally begin to really heal and start to regain your confidence.

Fox, this is more about a void in her soul and character than any fault you've had or mistakes you've made. You both could have worked through your problems and grown together. You could have learned to give to each other through the distractions of life. Instead she's turned away toward others to fill her up where she is lacking.

Keep to the straight and narrow. Hold your head up.

I'll pray for you.

Fox,

U sent out this distress signal and we would like to hear a response. I know you have several other threads going but please let us know on this one. I have to scoot to work and won't be back on til late tonight. You have my e-mail and cell. Call if you need.

take care,
L.

I just sent an email to Fox. I'm not one of those he was writing to, but he did say "someone" and I am someone.

Everyone -

I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner; it was a long night.

Its true; D-Day has finally arrived, it came yesterday. I won't reveal my sources, because I'm not sure if my WS reads these boards or not; but I finally uncovered the As last night.

I have no proof of the first two suspected As, the two back in Pullman, however - I have uncovered several current As - nearly five and counting.

My WS came over last night and we had a great time Plan Aing; or should I say ...endulging in cake eating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I avoided any relationship talk the entire night; the only thing I said was at the very end of the night when she was getting ready to head home - she asked me to get the separation papers for her so she could sign them; before she finished signing them, I looked her in the eyes and simply told her,

"Shannon, I have to get this off my chest because there are boundaries in this process that I have to put up in order to protect myself. If you're planning on using this separation as a means for meeting other men then let's just save us both the trouble and file for divorce instead."

She got extremely pissed off at me setting up this boundary (probably, because I know now, that she is already seeing people (sadly yes thats PLURAL)...ugh.) She told me that her coming over was not so that she could talk about "this [censored]" and that "this was the last [censored] she needed to talk about on her birthday" - its weird how perspective changes once you know there is an A going on; now I can read her 5000% better than before; of course she doesn't want to talk about it - because shes DOING IT ALREADY!

The horrible part about these As is this; they are all from meeting people on an online dating service...and for example; they are up to FORTY YEARS OF AGE! Now...we all know that 40 year old men go onto online dating services looking for 19, just turned 20, year old girls to start a SERIOUS relationship with...RIGHT! My WS is going to crash and burn so hard - I can't believe she doesn't see this already. She's going to get used and abused - a blast from the not too recent past before we were together.

In her words on this site, she is "Looking for a semi-serious relationship" - hell I should just post her profile on here so everyone can laugh at how extremely stupid this has become. She told me yesterday that "A legal separation is meant to enable dating with other people." I just shuddered at that comment.

Her mother even knows about these old men; how SAD is that!? And she's CONDONING IT!!!!!!! WTF! I feel like the German Army, reeling on its heels as the Allied Forces advance toward Berlin, I'm fighting an uphill battle here and I've got everything in the world working against me; but I will continue to fight.

Tonight, she is going out clubbing - oh joy, the thought of my dear W rubbing all over random men's junk; feeding their disgusting needs to get a quick raise; ugh..she has no respect for her body or herself as a person.

In her own words, she is "guy crazy right now" and is living up the life messing with a ton of guys - well, I hope she enjoys the attention while it lasts...I can guarantee she won't find one of them that loves her like I do; nor one that would go through what I have for her. But, if she's going to crash and burn, she's going to crash and burn hard - and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

The sad thing here is that I see her mom written all over this situation; she can't live for a solitary minute without a guy in her life. She leaves me and has like 10 guys lined up - its an endless cycle; one that destroyed her mom's life. Shannon has no desire to go to school; she just wants to work retail and be with guys, go clubbing, etc.

One thing I also found cute; was on her profile it stated that she was "spiritual but not religious"...nice to know that she yanked my chain about giving her life to Christ for two years. Well - I hope it made her feel better about herself pretending so that she could feel better about herself around me.

The more I look at this situation, the sicker I get...

She's giving up her school and all of these extremely wonderful opportunities that she has to fall back into the same life she told me "She hated, and wished she had never gotten into"; funny how she cried so many times in agony and regret over her past telling me how many regrets she had and how much she regretted acting the way she had; yet she's going right back to it.

Last night was very odd. I didn't cry once - something I've done almost nonstop since she left me; it hurt extremely bad seeing and hearing what I did about the As; but it didn't surprise me...I think that made it hurt a whole lot less.

This also explains why all of a sudden she has been getting online more frequently on messenger; to talk with these guys she is meeting - NOT me like she said it was.

At this point I'm throughly confused as to where to go from here. She seemed like she had a lot of fun last night; got on messenger and thanked me for the wonderful night - said we should do it again; also assumed we would get together again before I left for school. She's completely in the dark as to how I'm feeling.

I am completely lost as to where to go from here...now that theres proof of an A, not one, or two, or three, or four, but five and counting - I have no idea whatsoever as to what I am supposed to do. I see her getting used written all over this - she is already being ignored by several of the guys she has gone out with already and acts surprised. My contact (which I won't go into) has also supplied me with info about these men; and they are absolutely DUMB! Typical "Oh my God I want p***** from some young fresh meat, but will pretend like I want a committed relationship" guys - their words scream "COME HAVE SEX WITH ME."...

....She's going to bite it HARD - and I pray God will give me the strength to still be there when she does.

I should have noticed this stuff earlier; she has lost a ton of weight - is on a "diet" i.e. starving herself. Is wearing the clothes she used to wear that don't respect any bit of her body and flaunt off her assets like she's a piece of property for men's eyes to indulge in. She's full of makeup again, new jewelry and piercings; wants to get a tattoo, is getting her hair highlighted, had her nails done....I can't help but feel like she's turning into the same "whore" she called herself in her own diary two years ago...ugh.

Oh...and somethings I found cute last night - I asked her "Is there anyone else in your life right now?" her response - "No. If there was, I'd be the first to tell you - I'm not going to lie to you." HAHA!!! phew..sorry.

-Write back,

Aaron

All of my friends have told me I need to ditch this girl like a bad habit and file for divorce; that she is a lost cause - but I wanted to talk to people here before making any decisions of the sort.

"....She's going to bite it HARD - and I pray God will give me the strength to still be there when she does."

Fox, I think you should pray God gives you the strength to live your own life to the fullest.

Let me rephrase that. Pray God helps you understand. He already gives you the strength to live your life to fullest. You just need to work to understand His purpose for you. And that can take concerted effort and most of your life.

Your WW has been living the married singles lifestyle for a long time now. She will not come out of it because of anything you suddenly do. If she does change, it will be years from now. Around 30 or so.

Time to cut your losses. You appear to have a lot going for you. Move upwards now.

With prayers for you and WW,

PS: Pullman, huh. We live a just a few hours from there.

Are you going to wait until you get STD's now or in the future? Clearly she has no respect for you whatsoever. It is time for you to respect yourself and move on. Do you really think this is the only woman you are ever going to meet? She is wrecking her life so why do you want to wreck your life also?

Bryan -

She actually already gave me one STD - HPV, luckily; it's not permanent; and by now looks like it has subsided. I will continue to get checked for it however.

Funny thing is this - she told me before we had sex AFTER I asked her if she KNEW she was clean; she said, "Oh yeah - I know I'm clean; I don't even need to check, I just know."

And I told her to get a check up; so she told me she had - a month later we discovered she had HPV and that she needed to get treated or it could become cancer. Needless to say I was extremely pissed.

I went in for an HIV test over a year and a half ago, but I lost my ID number and never got the results. I need to go get tested again.

I should have took the hint when I read in her own diary that she "felt like a whore doing things she did with guys she barely knew but that she would continue to do it anyways when the opportunity presented itself." If I would have been smarter and left then; I would have saved myself a TON of trouble...

She hasn't changed.

Fox,

Ok, let's look at this from a different angle. You are hoping that somehow the woman you knew as your W will return to her senses and by your W again, right? But, the data is clear that the woman you knew as your W has returned to her NORMAL behavior. She tried being a W and failed at it. Why do you think your marriage had the issues it had? Some of them are yours but she was not capable of helping you or herself.

Son, the odds are high that she will grow up to be like her mother. But I know for certain eventually she will grow up, it may take 10-15 years. Until that time there is nothing YOU can do. I don't care how strong YOU are, or how dedicated you are, there is NOTHING you can do.

She is NOT ready to be married, she has no concept of marriage, and she may never learn it. The reality is for her this was like going steady and now that the easy fun part is over, it is time for new guys in her life. Just because you were ready and craved commitment, that does not mean she is.

Frankly, I would give this a few days, and then I would really consider divorce. You are already going to be separated, and the only thing that means is that YOU did not want to face reality. She has, if you will accept separation she can do as she pleases and if she needs you she can demand that you do certain things because legally you are her H. You on the other hand may not even have a W capable of having children when she gets done messing around and tempting fate about diseases.

Think about this long and hard, but KNOW this one thing YOU cannot change her and neither can anyone else. There is only one power strong enough and you are not that power.

Think carefully. I know it hurts, but you are learning some very tough but important lessons.

God Bless,

JL

foxor,
I almost posted to you after reading your first post, but withheld. I'm gonna now.

You my friend, can leave with a clear conscience, and you can walk knowing that you are not going against God's word. It's time for you to end this childhood infatuation. She hasn't grown up, and you tried...

Move on.

mortarman...if you're out there,

What do you think at this point and time after hearing the newest developments?

Fox,

You have the adultery now. God gives you that out...and there are many reasons, as stated by a lot of people above, to do so. And I agree with JL that barring your wife having a massive come-to-Jesus moment, that bottom for her is a long way off.

So what to do? Well, I have told you before...D comes after B. Why did you not give her the Plan B letter and go dark? You said in your post that she was angry when you said that you couldnt do the adultery thing (and if you are married, no matter what paperwork you have from the government...then sleeping with someone else is adultery). In my state, there is no such thing as legal separation. Not as it is in other states. You can separate...but you can be charged with adultery during that separation if you have sex with another and that wasnt okay with your spouse.

Anyway, you said she didnt like that...but then you said later on that she expects to see you again before you leave. So, it appears you did not hold to your guns on that. She does not respect you, nor your boundaries.

You must go to Plan B immediately. Drop off the Plan B letter, and go no contact. None. Zip. Zilch. No final hugs goodbye. No checking in when you get to school to tell her you made it okay. Nothing!!

This will either lead her eventually to missing you and wanting to come home. Or it will lead you on to divorce and to your new life.

You have to go thru Plan B to get to Plan D and feel like you did everything YOU needed to do. So, dont blow this. It may save your marriage eventually. But more important, it is crucial that you do this for yourself, so you can walk away...and into a future relationship, knowing that you did everything you could have and should have...and that you are a better man for it.

And thus, you will be one helluva catch for whomever ends up with you. Shannon...or someone else.

In His arms.

i never told her i wanted to get together; she just assumed. I didn't say yes and i didnt say no i didnt even answer her.

I will fill out my Plan B letter and will revise it; should I mention that I know about an OM? Or that I suspect an OM (to hide that I actually know?) Or should I not even mention an OM in the letter?

There is a huge chance she might already be infertile because of messing around before I even entered the picture. She had an STD; AND her thyroid was messed up...

We had intercourse for over seven months with no protection or BC during our marriage and she never got pregnant...it wouldn't surprise me if she's already infertile.

If she is; I would truly feel for her...the most important thing to her in life is to have children; she even mentioned once not wanting to live if she couldn't have children - she's got deep psychological issues...but she won't go to counseling and refuses that she has these issues. Hope she doesn't ruin her life :|

Exactly. You let her run things. Time to stop that. Fro mthis point on, you are in control. Okay?

You should say you know about her affair(s). You dont have to get specific. She knows about them, so you dont have to prove them. Just revise your letter and send to her ASAP. If you think it will be a problem giving it to her, then just email it.

Doing the divorce paperwork should be left for another day. I think JL said it above...time to just back away, and after a period of time to settle in, if she hasnt pulled her head out...then you can move that paperwork. But dont act like her durign that period. Just because you are separated does not make you unmarried. So, dont get to school and start hooking up with gals there. There is plenty of time for that!

One step at a time. Plan B. Then maybe Plan D. Then once that is done, then you can allow someone else into your life.

Get with it Fox. As of today, you are now in charge of your life again. Look to Jesus as your guide in EVERYTHING. He will not leave you, nor forsake you.

In His arms.

In His arms.

Personally, I'd tell her that you know about OM(s). That you KNOW that she's continued to lie to you all of this time, and that it's just one more reason why you've got to break off from seeing her at all, before you lose ALL of your love and respect for her.

Don't ever lie to your WS. You don't always have to tell everything, but the other part of it is that you still have to remain honest. For example...in this case, it (INVHO) would be totally acceptable to tell her that you know and have proof that she's being seeing several guys...but when she asks you how you know, simply tell her that you will NOT tell her...how you know is not important, but the fact that you KNOW is important. And don't change your stance or give her any more information. Period.

She is NOT ready to be married, she has no concept of marriage,

Exactly the same thing that I said days and days ago, on another thread.


The reality is for her this was like going steady and now that the easy fun part is over, it is time for new guys in her life.

Yep...and getting these so called separation papers from her current "steady" just makes it possible to have someone to fall back on in case she gets tired of dating around.

Fox,

Is there any chance that this girl was the first girl that you have ever "been with"? I ask because it appears that way...to me. Clingy and needy...and desperate to do whatever it takes to keep her, even to the point of something insane like that joke of a "separation agreement".

You are residing in some thick fog if you think that this would even be an option.

JMHO
committed

Roger that.



Don't worry - the thought never crossed my mind.