Hi-

Things are good some days and bad others. We are making progress and when I look back I can see that (I keep a journal of all the positive things I see that helps me keep my spirits up). But, H has never much acted like a FWH and that is hard for me. I rarely see remorse, he does not do very much to reasuure me, and he views extraoprdinary precautions as a burden. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one actively trying to save the M. I try to remember how badly I hurt him and how confused all of this left him, which helps. But, I feel like I am the only one who remembers we were happy in many ways (which caused us not to look closely enough at the things that needed to change).
One thing that is hard is that he was not meeting my most important ENs before and he is barely meeting some now. He says he is so resentful because he was not getting his ENs met all those years, well I can relate because I was not either, and in many ways, I am still not. It's very hard to stay positive sometimes, but I would not still be here if I did not believe in us.
I can't read your updates right now as I am on break, I will try later today or tomorrow and I will keep an eye out for your W. Let her know if she ever wants to post to me directly, that would be fine with me. It's nice not to feel alone as a FWW.

CD-

I think your sitch is different than the average A. I think going to Plan B might be a mistake right now. Could you consider the counselor's suggestion to continue for a bit longer as he knows more than any of us do? I do not know a thing about child-rape, but I think applying a one-size-fits-all approach to your M may not work for you.

I would however, let her know you know contact is continuing and how it makes you feel (boundaries). You could say something like what Bob said, or if you are afraid of revealing your sources, would you feel more comfortable saying,"Honey, I am so happy about the positive changes that we have been making, but I have a very strong feeling contact is not on-going. I have to let you know how much this hurts me. I want a M where we are both transparent with one another. I do not want to lose any of the progress we have been making."

CD- I don't know. You have to realize if you go to Plan B, it is one step closer to Plan D. Are you really ready for that? Also, she only has so much energy to expend and it sounds like quite a bit is being used for her personal R. I would imagine as she continues to get stronger, she will not need the unhealthy relationship the OM represents. Only you know what you can do, but you have to look at it from all sides. Have you asked Gimble, Mimi, or Mortarman to look at your posts? I would hate to lead you in the wrong direction as your sitch is different that most MBer's (as is mine).

I do want to say how happy I am for you that things are so much better!!

Imp, one thing that helped a lot me was when I stopped wanting everything to be better RIGHT NOW. I don't know if this applies to you but I think if you can say that there is progress in your relationship then you have something positive to focus on. I was making myself miserable thinking about what I didn't have and almost missed what I DID have.

I have thought a lot about what you said in an earlier post about how it felt sometimes that you were the only one who had an affair. I know that in my own case I have to remain constantly vigilant against the urge that I have to punish my wife for the pain she caused me. This has come out in the past in my making cutting remarks, being sarcastic or accusing my wife of various nasty things. When it has happened previously in many instances I was unaware of what I was doing until afterwards. Could this be what is going on with your husband?

You make an excellent point about the energy my wife is expending in her recovery from her abuse. It's something I had not considered before. I have been seeing her continued contact as a case of cake eating but as you so accurately point out one size does not fit all. Our counselor has even said that she couldn't deal with the affair issues without dealing with the abuse issues. I need to ask him about the emotional needs that her partner in adultery may be satisfying that help her with her recovery no matter how painful it may be for me to hear. My aim here is to save my marriage and I can't do that by focusing on myself exclusively. But dear God it's agony to know that she's still deceiving me about him.

My wife knows all about my boundaries and chooses to ignore them because, I believe, she thinks I am ignorant of her doing so. I am convinced that moving out would probably lead to divorce because I don't see my wife as capable of changing her ways at this time. Also, if I left I would move to another state making reconcilliation all the harder. I have a session with my MC tonight and I'm praying that he can give me some insight as to what I should do. He's a smart cookie and he has already helped me enormously in my own recovery. I'll also reach out to the people you suggest and see what develops. I know Mortarman and he is a smart cookie as well but I am unacquainted with the other two. This is one of the few times in my life where I'm genuinely in a quandry as to what my course of action should be. I have put it in God's hands but have no clue as to where He wants me to go.

CD-

I am hurting and confused right now. My H stated he wanted the big D in counseling today. I am trying to process what he has said, yet I feel as though there is no solution. He waited until this line was crossed, that he now says cannot be uncrossed.
And, I feel so frustrated as it appears he is unwilling to find forgiveness for acts I have done, that he has also done. This is very confusing to me and I can't help feeling like this is being hypocritical. I did this thing too, but I cannot find forgiveness for you doing it. My standards for you are higher than for myself. I do not understand this.
As I said, I have felt for some time that we were never in marital recovery. It was always more about his personal goals and recovery. He would make efforts here and there, but I never felt he was truly committed to it except in July when he said he was 100% committed- yet, two months later, not only is he not committed, he wants a D? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
One thing I have come to realize is that this new H who yells at me, laughs at me, CA and is passive-aggressive, blames me for things, and does not keep his word is not a healthy man for me. I feel like the things I loved about him seem to have disappeared and these new things are not assets. I want a man who tells me how he feels, apologizes, can forgive, meets my ENs, loves and cherishes me and tells me so.

This is what I deserve.

Apparently we have gotten on the same roller coaster . I'm so sorry to read about your situation. My heart goes out to you. I know how devestated you are feeling right now. Hang in there buddy. You will be all right no matter what happens. A broken heart isn't fatal. It only makes you WANT to die but it don't kill ya outright. I'm praying for you.

CD-

It's funny because my heart hurts, but it is not broken. Since my H's A and the start of recovery, there has been very few moments where I felt he was completely committed to making this work. I have known all along that the only way we could make it is if we both were willing to do the work and he just hasn't. I have lost some respect for him because of this. The man I married and loved would not be throwing away 10 years together. Maybe that man is no longer. I do not know. I just know I am no longer OK with this [email]half-[censored]@d[/email] recovery. I deserve better.



I know this is true and I know this decision is not all up to him. I am thinking things through myself. All I know is I am tired of being a scapegoat. He has been blaming me for months for so many things and more and more I am losing respect for him. He is not acting honorably in my mind and he is not making the changes necessary to be the H I deserve. He rarely meets ENs and it is getting really old. I have given him so many concessions over the months, yet I rarely see him giving me the same. He seems to have these double-standards and his expectations of me are not the same as he has for himself. This is not a life I want to lead. We are both responsible for what got us here and we both need to do the work necessary to get us out. Plain and simple as that. I have actually been feeling quite good because I am tired of getting nowhere and waiting for him to try. He does not seem to have forgiveness in his heart and his anger/pain is eating him alive. I have had my hand held out to him for months and he just will not take it. It's really sad. What a waste.

CD- I am so sorry. I would have reacted the same way and your W acts much in the same way mine does. Lack of remorse and accountability. You just want this person to be caring and considerate of your feelings and fears and all you hear is how controlling you are. WTF??? I am controlling because your A took away all sense of safety and innocence in me and when I cannot reach you all those feelings come boiling to the surface?? This is one of the reasons I have not felt we were in R. He has rarely ever acted like a WS and he feels I have "set the bar too high". Gee, it would mean alot if you attempted to even touch the bar, come near it, etc. I need so much to feel his remorse and see him trying to make us work, and when I do not, all those feelings of fear just come flooding back in. And, there is no consideration of the decimation caused by the A, just more comments about what you need to fix. Sorry, obviously I am riled up.

I am very sorry for you, CD. I think it is time for Plan B. This is your last chance-- if you want it, that is.

At this point I don't care very much about her Imp. Let's see how I feel after we are apart for some time. Sad, aint it?