Okay...

Well, that lasted all of one day.

After I refused to respond to my W's instant messages, she had her MIL call the house I'm staying at - which ISNT mine.
I refused to talk to her mother and hung up the phone without saying a word. I also blocked my W on my instant messenger.

Well, needless to say; my W disappeared from IM immediately and appeared an hour later at the house I'm staying at. I opened the door and asked her, "Are you here to talk about rebuilding our marriage?" She said, "We need to talk."

I looked at her and said, "Shannon there is nothing to talk about unless it is about agreeing to the boundaries I placed in my email."

She for lack of better words, let herself in the house. The only two people here other than me were the family's 8 year old son and their 15 year old daughter.

When she came into my room; I asked her again, "Are you here to talk about rebuilding our marriage?" At first, she wasn't sure...so I asked her to leave. She refused to leave and I told her that if she didn't leave, I would call the police on her.

She then began to cry and begged me to talk to her; I told her there was nothing to talk about unless it was about restoring our marriage; and that if that wasn't the case - she needed to leave immediately.

It escalated into yelling, at which point I told her we needed to leave the house IMMEDIATELY before anything else was said; so I went upstairs and told the 15 year old daughter (who was in the bathroom with their son) that I was leaving and that I was sorry for the scene.

At this point I was irrate; she had barged into a house I didnt even OWN and was placing my security, as well as the security of those who had NOTHING to do with this at stake.

So; we went outside, and she asked me if we could go talk - I said I was NOT going to talk unless it was about us rebuilding our marriage; at which point she began to cry harder and said, "Why the hell do you think I drove over here?"

So...I agreed to go out and talk - we spent about an hour and a half talking - she told me she still loved me; and that she wanted us to work but that she didnt know what she wanted (GOD...tricks me into talking to her by saying this.)

But then, she told me she would make a final decision on if she wanted to commit to us or not by the 13th when I leave. For lack of better words, she spent the whole time crying looking at me, then at the floor - telling me that she remembered the good times we had and that she missed them more than anything but that she was afraid of being hurt again.

She told me she would stop seeing the other men she was seeing if she decided by the 13th to commit to us; however, she told me she couldn't go back to Pullman. She figured out about me knowing her password and told me she would stop hiding things from me (What is to stop her from creating another email address though?).

I told her that my love for her is quickly dying and that a decision needs to be made now. Which - in essence is why she told me she will decide before I leave. She apologized for her actions and said that not everything in the marriage has been my fault; she told me that we were both way too young to get married in the first place, which I agreed to, and she apologized about hurting me in so many ways; including by seeing other men.

She avoided terming them as "affairs" - told me that she wasn't sleeping with them; that she was just trying to go out and meet people - something she had lost sight of after we got married (making friends). She told me that in her eyes, it wasn't really an affair; and when I drilled it into her - she admitted for the most part that it was; and that she was sorry. She also apologized for hiding things from me; but also said that she needs her space to a certain degree - I agreed that I would give her her space but that she can't hide things from me anymore.

Basically, we talked for a few hours until it was dark out; at which point she drove me back to the house. When I got out of the car, she gave me a hug - it was a long hug and she squeezed me very tightly, like she was very scared and confused. Ugh.. She asked me if I could meet with her tomorrow and just for lack of better words Plan A - because she enjoyed it and that it helped remind her of when things were good; the things that she loved about us. I told her I didn't know - and asked her, "If this will help you make a decision as to whether or not you want to be together; then okay."

As I left, I told her that I did love her still; but that the way she was treating me was destroying that love. She began crying and told me that she loved me too, but that she was scared and confused.

Whether or not we hang out tomorrow is a moot point - she is never allowed back here.

When I came in the house; the dad where I'm staying was irrate. Not necessarily at me; as I did what I could to separate her from the house - but at her and her mother's lack of maturity in the circumstance. He told me that he was furious and that if they EVER stepped foot on his premises again he would file charges. I didn't blame him - I was irrate as well.

I'm stuck now. She seems to be reaching out for our relationship - she seems to want to save this - either that or she's trying to feed herself cake before I leave so she can give up knowing that she spent time with me.

Do I go dark again or Plan A until I leave and she makes a decision?

She told me that whether or not we hung out was up to me and that she wanted me to do what was best for me - she also said, however that - she thought it was a good idea; and that spending time together like we had been during Plan A was what she missed the most - she began crying again when she said this. She told me she missed these memories before the hurt came and before things got bad - mentioning that these things were what kept her from filing the papers.

She also told me, "If I didn't love you - I would have filed the divorce papers by now Aaron. Why do you think I haven't filed them yet? I don't know what to do."


---I'm hopelessly lost now. I hope this wasn't a step back again by breaking my Plan B. I didn't know she was coming over - and in a way, I was tricked into going out to talk with her (she said it was about rebuilding our marriage) however, she didnt agreed to anything of the sort....

I hope I didn't fall into WS blabber and lies again. Or if this was truly my W reaching out I don't know. I guess its nice to know that a decision will be made by the 13th on her end...I guess I won't have to suffer much longer if this is the case.


BLEH!

Fox - I have no advise - but wanted to let you know we see your post. You have a habit of having urgent issues late into the weekends. Can't you arrange to have urgent situations on tuesday mornings, when 60 people are logged on ready to help? (just a little humor here....bear with me)

Dude - you are doing a good job. I do not know the answers to your questions - but I do know that time is on our side. There are people here that have dealt with the back and forth of stuff like this for YEARS. So do not loose heart. Maybe your conversation with Shannon was meant to be. Just praise God for a good talk, and do not loose sleep over this. Whether or not you "screwed up" plan B is not critical. There will be plenty of time for plan B.

Rest easy, dude. Sleep tight. Let tomorrow take care of itself.

far

I can't advise capitulation in good conscience. I must remember I'm not your dad Fox. Its not my job to protect you from pain. Its to answer any questions you may have.

Listen to Orchid below. She's a much better help than me.

All blessings foxor

* dad-like post deleted *

There won't be a Plan B if she commits by the 13th though??

Or at this point is she not worth it, or able to be trusted?

Fox,

Now you can see how powerful this plan B c/b. You have to decide whether you will allow yourself t/b a push over or show her u r a man.

What you said was fine. Don't show you are anxious over anything. The fact that the father of the household said he was irrate at her, is a good sign. You can let her know at a later date that her current actions are scaring even those NOT in her family.

IMHO, she is still not safe t/b around, so becareful. Remember t/d what is safe 4 u. Don't let her rush you into a false recovery. Her WS side is still alive and will show up if you take her back 2 soon.

take care,
L.

I don't know however, if I am comfortable going back to school without her - I don't have enough trust built up with her to trust her back home alone; at least not after what has happened.

She just got online and can't stop apologizing for getting me into trouble ....interesting; she is blamin herself for everything now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let her. You have started your education, now you need to follow through. BTW, u r going back 2 school for _________?

Please say t/b a design engineer. I need one right now. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


L.

Nope -

Broadcasting (Management) / / Criminal Justice - Double BA.

My school has the third ranked Comm. school in the nation so I'm taking advantage of the opportunity.

What a combo. Let me think a moment, maybe I could give you a test in the crimminal justice side. LOL!!!!

Maybe you could use the exposure and reverse babble in your broadcasting management class and the plan B in your criminal justice class. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

ROFL...Orchid, you always make me laugh.

Glad 2 oblige. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Now I have t/g and make dinner for those varmits in my house. LOL!!!

L.

Wow...

So, my wife promises me tonight she will no longer hide things from me - and the first thing she does when she gets home? Changes the password to her e-mail address..

...Bob...i think your fatherly advice was correct this time.

Truth or what will make you feel better?


Fox, I'll tell what I think you should do but remember its JMO and you have to live it and suffer it.

Continue plan B UNTIL she comes to you & says I want to go to MC and IC and have NC with any man but my you my H [in context of course]

else she'll suck you back into her confusion and selfishness.

So you recognize babble when you see it eh? She is still of the alien mind set.

Don't get sucked into her chaos. She needs to come to you not abuse you.

Remember criminals lure. True love cures.

L.

Fox,

listen to what your "Gut" is telling you!!!! You have all the reasons in the world "NOT" to trust her!!!!!

"Regaining trust" does not happen over night!!!!!

WS will LIE their way through, it's UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Once they get out of the FOG (if they ever do) they don't believe it themselves.

Stay Strong and stick to your Plan!!!! You are the Strong one, even if you don't feel it right now!!!!

Remember, you can't change her but you surely can make changes on yourself!!!! Plan B is the first step, no matter how hard it is for you!!!!

Protect yourself and GO DARK!!!!!!!

bb

You've gotten a taste of how powerful plan B can be...and that didn't even last a day.

You need to get tough and stay tough until you are sure you are dealing with a wife willing to commit to the marriage and not a selfish WS.

Calm, firm, the lighthouse...not the doormat that she can eat cake all over. I don't think you should give her any more fixes of you. Your plan A did it's job...now let plan B work...or not. You do not want a cake eater or a user back.

You need to finish your education in Pullman. Do not let her change your mind on that. That is the best place for you to complete the goals which will be the basis for your potentially successful future. If anyone should change plans it should be her. She needs to be willing to suck it up and go back to Pullman and make the best of it for herself as well as you. She needs to get back on the right track with her own life too. These friends she's hanging out with probably aren't her best influences..that and a mom who hasn't been the best moral example. I can't see any good out of her staying in her current living situation while you are in Pullman and calling that marital recovery. She will just go one living the singles lifestyle and stringing you along. Don't let her play you.

Dark plan B...please try. Be strong.

She just got online and can't stop apologizing for getting me into trouble ....

I thought you had her blocked. IMO, this attempt at planB failed miserably. You are making a wonderful doormat though.

You need to continue plan B. Set up the conditions you want both of you to do if rebuilding occurs. ie.. she sets up mc counseling, whatever is important to you, open accounts, if her coming with her is a condition, when she breaks, and she will, when she contacts you, say, here are my conditions to make me feel safe.

I agree, it will be Very hard to work on a long distance marriage. So gosh sakes, it's going to be sooo hard on you if you live together for the next 2-5 years.

FoxOr ... Just think about it ... if you can't plan B what would happen ?. You will get hurt many times until one day your taker shows up and you want Dv. If you want Dv you stay put you will get over her after tons of pains. If you still want this M, pitch black plan B, you have no choice.

I have seen many BS in the fog and think they could win over unrepentant WS ... you can't!.

-rh-

Fox, your plan B letter scared her, because it means you are stepping outside the realm of her control. She knows you are serious. She's going to say whatever it takes to get you to reengage her at a level she is comfortable with.

Go back to plan B. Alot of BS's do what you did. This time, make sure she is blocked on email, IM, and can not walk into the house to see you.

You have to defend those boundaries, you can't just tell her and then expect her to respect them! Did you choose an intermediary? If you didn't, I would add that to your plan B letter and resend.

Say something along the lines of:

Shannon, when you are ready to commit to fixing our relationship, contact XXX with your plan to save our marriage.