Fox,

I know this is a marriage builders site but not all marriages should (can) be saved. She is faced with the possibility of losing you forever and she needs 14 more days of screwing around!!! After reading all of you posts, except the really long ones, I find myself hoping that you don't work things out. Otherwise, you are likely to be dealing with this again in 2 years, 5 years, 9 years...Maybe after the you have children (or she has someone elses child). I don't have insight into the person you married but I would recommend running from this one. I can picture you thanking her in a few years for showing her colors early enough to allow you meet someone of higher character. And there are plenty of wonderful women out there that are trustworthy and can make your life a complete joy. I know because I have one.

Trying to reestablish Plan B - here is the e-mail I'm getting ready to send - please critique and help me revise it...

Time to give this another try :x



Shan,

I noticed you changed the password on your e-mail; I thought we weren't going to hide anything from one another anymore?

Since I'm heading home to Pullman now, I'm going to have to commit to the same plan I e-mailed you about earlier. I love you Shan, but everytime I feel like you're hiding something from me or not wanting me to see something it chips away at my love for you; I don't want to lose that love - I have to separate myself from this in order to protect that. I don't know when I'll have a phone number or internet in Pullman, but I do still have this e-mail address.

When you can fully decide that you will set up no contact with other men and want to work together on saving this marriage and starting marriage counseling together, or come back to Pullman and giving it a shot together (there is a spot for you in our bed in pullman)... please give me an e-mail, because like you, I don't want to get divorced either...Until then though I can't stay in contact; I'm sorry. Like I told you last night, this isn't designed to punish anyone; I'm merely trying to protect myself and the love that I have for you, I hope you can accept this decision and not get angry with me; if you do - I'm sorry.

I hope you have a good time at your dad's house today, give everyone my love.
If you decide before I leave that you want to rebuild our marriage and accept the boundaries I spoke of in this e-mail, we can talk - but please, only contact me if you are 100% sure - although it was good to see you yesterday; I didn't stay true to my boundaries; which is what I have every intention of doing this time. If this upsets you, I'm sorry - that isn't the intention of what I'm doing.

If for some reason you decide that you can't commit to us; or decide its not what you want - I will move forward with my life. I do want to thank you for the wonderful hug last night; it was good to feel that connection again - something I will deeply miss should this end...

I love you - I'm sorry this is all happening.

-Aaron


*NOTE: I just realized I said "I'm sorry" a lot - should I change this?

FOX:

Well, it is actually alot easier than doing and writing all of this. You keep getting your "fixes" in here, so I hate to tell you son, but you are quickly becoming a PLan B study in WHAT NOT TO DO. I have a sneaking suspicion that you are LOVING the fact that she is responding to you IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. In your mind you probably see last nights actions as that she really cares because she caused such a scene. Right???? Any reaction to you is better than NO REACTION.

Please read up on the stories of CarenMC and K7122 and see what the outcomes of their inabilities to do Plan B led to.

Why don't you just cut all of the BS out now and say:

Shannon:

PLease DO NOT contact me untill you are ready to work on the marriage as outlined in the previous email.

Goodbye.

Fox

Please for the love of God, STOP the games and fixes and Bull$hit. You are killing yourself here. With PLan B, either "do it" or "don't do it", but realize all of the emails and impassioned pleas (disguised begging) and well wishes in the world will NOT change your plight. You still DON'T GET IT my friend. Your WW KNOWS FULL WELL WHAT TO DO AND SAY SHOULD SHE WANT TO RECONCILE. You don't need to spell it out for her. SHE KNOWS !!!!!!!!!

I am being a tough SOB here, but you need to hear this.

The good people of this site KNOW what they are talking about, YET you continue to "DO IT YOUR WAY", with PREDICTABLE results.

SM

okay...sent:

Shan...

I see you changed the password to your e-mail - I thought we weren't going to hide things from one another anymore? Or did I misunderstand what we talked about last night?

Please do not contact me until you are ready to work on the marriage as outlined in my previous email.

I'm headed back to Pullman, goodbye.

Aaron

------------------------------------------

going dark - cutting all contact. Deleting her from my messenger list, blocking her number - she won't come to the house; she already knows the intentions of the man I'm living with if she does.

Thank you lemonman.

OK, better. Now that is over..............move on with the next phase of your life. Get ready for the new academic year. Continue and strength training exercise program. Get ready for the Pac-10 season and go to Borders and get a cup of coffeee and peruse the NCAA Pac 10 preview mags.

There is a lot of $hit to get done my friend. You have a live to live, and you have NOT been living it.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Fox,

listen to Lemon!!!!

One Plan B letter should be enough. Your WS can read that "over and over again" instead of getting new ones!!!!!!! She might get it then!!!!

Fox!!!!!! Stop getting yourself "involved" into the game that your WS is playing with you.

You're such a young guy and I as a woman can say, you have absolutely NO idea about the games girls can play with men!!!!! but that's another topic.

The only way that you will gain the respect you "truely deserve" is to stick to "your" plan!!!!!

It will either work out or not but anyway, you will come out as a stronger man!!!!! You have so many years ahead of you and it is up to "you" to set your boundaries!!!
Don't let your WS nor anyone "walk over you" and treat you with such disrespect!!!!!

Read all you can about Plan B and come here for help and encouragement!!! We are here to help you get through with this because we really know what you are going through!!!

take care
bb

Fox

Have you ever had a discussion with a mental health professional regarding attachment disorder?

No more communication. The WS' brain can't handle it and the overload will make you crazy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Step back and concentrate on U. You have done it before, you can do it again.

Remember her words like her life are not stable at this time and NOT t/b trusted.

If you get angry or want to vent, post here or call who you need to call. ok? Come on' nod that head in agreement. ;pfft:

L.

No I haven't...

But I'm well aware that this might have something to do with why I haven't left Shannon yet; and I'm sure if thats the case its because of what happened in my childhood.

My mom spent four years with a man who beat her and abused her verbally, sexually, and physically, so I know it runs in the family...

I've wondered for the longest time if the reason why I've let her walk all over me was because I loved her or for some other reason.

I feel in my heart like I love her - I look at her and remember everything we had together; but I keep finding my friends asking me the same question, "How the ****** are you still with this woman after what she's done to you?"

I think its a very grey area...I do love her still.

This is a very salient point. At the VERY LEAST Fox, you should investigate this. Seekign help and treatement for this disorder will be mandatory for your long term preservation.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is exactly WHY Pep's question needs to be adressed professionaly. You DO NOT have the history of a long term marriage with children and the like. You have conjured this "fantasy" in your mind of what you "had".....when in TRUE reality, "what you had" was a one or two year romance that EVERY person has had at your age. No, I am not minimizing your feelings or pain, but I think you need a little realisitic perspective here. I really do.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was looking over some of the symptoms of this disorder...they don't sound anything like me..

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger (I don't do this...?)

•Resists affection on parental terms (No)
•Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying (No.)

•Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging (No)

•Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers (LOL ****** no - I hate talking to strangers.)

•Poor peer relationships (Not even close)

•Steals (no)

•Lies about the obvious (No)

•Lack of conscience - shows no remorse (LOL!!! NO)

•Destructive to property, self and/or others (Nope)

•Lack of impulse control (? - don't know)

•Hypervigilant/Hyperactive (Don't think so)

•Learning lags/delays (Not at all)

•Speech and language problems (Not at all)

•Incessant chatter and/or questions (Eh..everyone asks questions)

•Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy (Yes I'm clingy)

•Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food (lol no)

•Fascinated with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil (ROFL, no.)

•Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts (Nope)

•Parents appear hostile and angry (Eh, no..)

•The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life (Not in the first three years, no.)

Fox,

You do love her but that is not enough. True love is an action word. Takes action on the part of both parties. Except for our children where we as parents give more than they can give. But in return the warmth of their smile and their love radiates back in a way only a parent can appreciate.

In a R, love flourishes when BOTH parties contribute. Right now you are the only one contributing. Your love is wilting away and that is why plan B is necessary.

Pep and Lemon's suggestion is a good one. In many areas (even in school) there are counselors that can help. Check out your phone book or ask your minister.

Fox, you gotta listen with your mind. Remember that chant I give about 'clear mind/calm heart'? Work on that.

Expect her to rebuff your advances, expect her to call you then turn on you but do NOT, do NOT accept her lies. Hear her words if you can (probably better not to at this time) but do NOT act or react on them. ok? Come on, nod in agreement or...... well just nod ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L.

well, I think it would be MORE beneficial for others who know you (who can be more objective) to chime in.

There are a number of those traits that you may indeed have, but just can't recognize. I am not saying this is so wither way, but the situation warrants PROFESSIONAL investigation (for which NONE of us qualify).

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Also remember that I was seconds from filing for divorce before I was convinced otherwise by people wanting me to try harder to save this marriage. I am willing to leave this girl if things don't change.

Nod.

NOPE sorry, I think you are wrong. YOu have to accept 100% responsibility for where you are in life today. NOONE should be able to convince you of anything. You can take advice and discard it as you wish, but the moment you infer that someone else "made" you or "convicned" you of doing somehthing, you lose all control in your own life.

YOu are doing the plans here because YOU chose to. No one here knows whetehr your marriage can be saved, or whether it should be saved. ONLY YOU can determine that.

Please reexamine some of these things in your life.

If you are doing any of these things b/c "we" want you to, then you are setting yourlself up for failure.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Fox,

Try this: When you are somewhere quiet and alone, take your left arm and put it on your right shoulder. Now take your right arm and put it on your left shoulder. Now squeeze your shoulders.

You are now the receiptient of {{{{MB hug}}}}} all the way from the middle of da' Pacific. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Okay let me reword that...

Before I realized that I didn't want to after listening to advice and reevaluated the facts after listening to the words of others.

I guess you're right.

God - I'm so stressed out.

I woke up like two hours ago, but now my head feels like its going to explode.

I'm going to go back to bed and take a nap - I need it right now.