[color:"blue"] This is not true. You can change the way you feel. It requires some risk, and some desire, and some faith .... and probably in your case, some practice and positive modeling. [/color]

Its so hard to find closure within myself, and happiness in my own heart when I've felt useless since I was a child. My parents never cared about me; my dad left before I was old enough to even remember his face. My mom put drugs before me; sold my things for her drug money, filled my life with broken promises and heartbreak. I spent my entire life growing up being told I was worthless and that I would never amount to anything - it was drilled into me for so long, seventeen years or so, that its become part of who I am.

Before Shannon and I got together, I spent the first half of my freshmen year in college; several nights, alone in my dorm room crying because I was so lost inside as a person I didn't even understand why I was here; or why I was even getting up in the morning - I didn't understand the point. I loved God, and I thanked Him every night for allowing me to wake up in the morning; but I would wake up and still feel empty, I would see my friends and their parents and I would feel lost inside; I'd feel like a wandering ghost, all alone, with no one to go to - with no one that loved him.

I became so ashamed of who I was and became blaming myself for everything my parents ever did - these insecurities followed me into my marriage, and the broken trust from my childhood followed over into my relationship with Shannon. I didn't trust her from the beginning - no matter how hard I tried, or how hard she tried to show me that she was faithful, I couldn't find that trust inside of me. I'd spent my entire life being lied to by those closest to me; I don't even know if I trust anyone anymore - not even my self, or my own heart.

I'm so lost in life - I have no idea where I'm headed - now you've got me crying for the first time in over two weeks. I haven't even been able to cry, not even when I found out my wife was cheating on me. I feel so dead inside, I don't even feel human anymore - I feel incapable of loving anyone else, let alone myself. I don't know if I can even do this anymore...

I can't be a husband through all of this; I can't even be myself - I don't even know who I am, let alone can I ever "be myself".

I've spent my whole life wondering why I am who I am; what parts of me come from my parents; I'm can't even explain myself to MYSELF.

I get up in the morning because I have this hope that one day this pain will end, and the answers will come - but it seems like since the day I was born its been nothing but heartbreak and unanswered questions - I'm living in constant misery..

Sometimes I wish it would just end, all of the heart and all of the pain - I worry one day it will get to the point where I can't take it anymore, but then I find myself thinking that, if it hasn't come to that point by now, then it never will. I can't imagine hurting anymore inside than I already am - because right now I feel like I'm living in ******.

The only thing that gets me up in the morning is this thought in my head that one day I can raise a family where none of this pain happens. When I married Shannon, we promised each other that we'd never give up; no matter how hard things got. I meant my promise to her more than I've ever meant anything in my life - I grew up telling myself that I would never get divorced; that I would not end up like my parents - that I would provide my family with a safe and loving environment and with a mother and father who love them more than anything and would be there for them through anything, let alone - die for them.

I can't help but feel like I'm failing again. Like I'm letting myself down - my family, my friends...I see my marriage spiraling into oblivion and can't help but feel like this is my fault; like things would be different had I have done things differently - why haven't I left Shannon yet? Because, none of you will ever understand how badly seeing this marriage failing is ****** my insides; my biggest dream in life is plummeting to its demise, and I feel like I'm letting down not only myself, but the kids that Shannon and I wanted for so long - I realize that this all sounds incredibly stupid; but its something you'll never understand or could understand - no one will ever understand this pain that I'm feeling inside; or understand why I'm trying so hard with every ounce of strength inside my body to do everything I can do not simply "give up" - its so incredibly hard to bear all of this pressure on my shoulders, I'm only 20 - I don't have a family, I've been completely on my own for two years; on top of all of this, I've got this overwhelming weight on my shoulders, if I ****** up, my life is over - I don't have anyone to bail me out, I am so incredibly scared of ending up like my parents, I can't function properly anymore.

I haven't been truly happy for as long as I can remember. Its impossible to be happy knowing that I have nothing - add the guilt I feel for this marriage falling apart on top of that, and multiple it by ten thousand...

This is the attachment disorder part of you .... you don't trust .... anyone .... period.

Kids with attachment disorder don't trust attachment relationships ... they have learnd to NOT become attached .... because they were always dumped on in their young lives.

There is hope for you ... but you will need your faith ... BIG TIME.

You must know this about yourself .. right now, you don't trust HIM either ... not entirely all together.

It's OK to admit that.

Then, you can take this on as a spiritual crisis ... which is what it actually is.

I wish for just one solitary moment in my life, if for even only for a second, I had a mom or a dad to hold me...

At this point, I don't even know if this marriage is fair to her.

I think it might be time for me to let go - I'm incapable of anything right now. The biggest thing that she wants right now is trust - I can't do it; I just can't...we are beating a dead horse right now.

Would one second be enough?

I don't think so...

Magical thinking will delay your relationship maturity.

I don't know what to do...

I love her; but can't do this anymore..not if we're separated - I know I can't take it, emotionally, spiritually, or physically.

The only chance of recovery we have on my end, is if we do it together; I can't handle the separation - not with the trust issues being present.

Its evident already - I can't handle Plan B for a day; let alone anything else.

I'm beginning to think this marriage was doomed from the start.

What is the biggest thing YOU want?

One of the things that attachment disorder does is that it disallows you to recognize your own wellness .... and usually this means you don't know what YOU want, so you focus on trying to decipher what "she" wants ... what will make "her" happy (as in your unhappy Mother)

Do you know what you want from yourself? Do you know what you can offer to yourself?

I don't know what I want - other than being with her.

I can't think of a single thing inside of myself that makes me happy alone. I've gotten to the point where I hate myself.

I read what I'm writing and see how everything is about her, and about her needs - I can't find a taker inside of me.

I don't even know if I want anything - all I want is her; and that gets me absolutely nowhere. Its unproductive and I'm dependent on someone else for my own happiness...wow, I'm really ****** up.

Well ... going to go make dinner.

Think about what spiritual thing you want to bring to yourself as a gift.

You are all going to be extremely pissed at me...but I can't do it anymore. This is probably something I'll have to live the rest of my life with; but I can't do it anymore.

I e-mailed her; told her that if there's any hope of saving anything we need to talk and we need to talk NOW. This is no longer about her - its about my feelings in my own heart.

I realize this is emotional suicide, as well as marital suicide; but I can't do this anymore. I need to get out of this. I can't detach enough for Plan B - I HAVE to get a yes or no answer TONIGHT - even if she's not thinking straight when she makes the decision, I can't handle this stress anymore.

Call me a quitter, it appears that is what I am - I have put as much as I physically can into this; I can't do this separation any longer - and I certainly can't go back to school with this dwelling heavy on my heart.

I'm sorry guys if I've failed miserably at Plan B - and, in eventuality my marriage...

There are too many scars, too much damage has been done, I can't "wait" it out any longer - I don't have the endurance.

Fox ~ no one should be pissed at you... you are a grown man who is responsible for making his own choices. None of us hve to live with the consequences of your decisions....you do.

if she says YES tonight, because you bullied her into it - how will that change anything?

And by the way, hon, I used to live with my entire self-worth based on my husband.

It nearly destroyed me.

I don't think Shannon is capable of a healthy relationship right now, but I don't think that really matters.

What matters is that you aren't capable either. A good plan B can protect you long enough to focus on yourself and address those broken hurt parts of you that need attention.

As long as you focus on what Shannon is doing, you can't take care of you.

What you are feeling right now hon, is the consequences of a life lacking in self-care.

Please go back and re-read Pepperband. I think she is giving you some very good things to think about.

Fox
Don't apologise. You are the captain of your ship. We're just people.

You don;t want to do plan B, don't do plan B. All we can do is tell you what causes may have effects on your sit.

I worry about you fox. You're reeling from each tiny punch right now.

Your passion for and need to make gestures are allowing Shannon to control you UTTERLY right now.

PlanB is a way of you resuming some control and space to breathe.

I can't tell you to calm down again, you're not capable of it. Neither was I at 20. I had a permant hard-on in everything I did too : rugby, eating, dancing, school, work,everything.

Really useful a lot of times, but not when dealing with a fractured marriage.

I pray you peace, mate. I really do.

Fox,

I know you feel lost...very lost. You are not lost, you have just not found your direction yet. That is what college is about. It is finding a direction in your life.

I will not argue that having good parents is a huge advantage. I will not argue that you feel you are all alone in this world. You are alone only because you are having trouble forming relationships. I would strongly recommend that when you get back to school you see some counseling. You need to realize that happiness comes from within YOU. You need to realize that most students your age are lost, perhaps not as lost as you feel right now, but they are.

You also need to understand that you have placed a lot of pressure on your W to make YOU happy and she cannot do that, she does not want to do that. Fox, your pain is normal. The feeling of deep loss is normal. You need to get through this, you cannot go around it. I will also point out that you need to allow your beliefs guide you here and for that to happen you must calm yourself. You must listen and pay attention and you will see which way to go, what to decide and how to lead your life.

It is time to learn Fox, so calm down, pay attention and you will get through this.

God Bless,

JL

Fox,

Pep and others here are getting you thinking, arent they? There is one thing JL said here that reminds me of the advice he gave me when I was in your situation:
Everything in your marriage boils down to this. All of the questions Pep is asking you, all of the things you have brought up so far last night...all of that adds up to what JL said here. And as JL said...are you listening?

You see, when it all boils down to it, Pep had it right. You trust no one. But you especially dont trust God. You CAN admit that. You can even admit that to HIM. Did you know that? Cause I'll let you in on a little secret...He already knows that!

You CANNOT be the husband that your wife needs until you bend your knee and follow the Lord. That means in everything. That means ESPECIALLY in your doubts, in your fears. It says in Scripture that is you do not expect the Lord to answer your prayers, then He just might not. But if you expect Him to answer your prayers, He ALWAYS will!

Now, does that mean if I pray tomorrow to win a million bucks, that I will? Nope! Sometimes the answer is "no." But I know now that I will ALWAYS get my answer. And with that answer I get two things...

First off, it is something that JL beat into my head many times. It is what he talks about when he says that in life, when it all boils down to it, there really is only one right answer to any question or situation. That if you wait long enough, pray long enough, and do the work necessary, that the right answer will present itself. This especially goes for Christians. Why? Because the Lord promised to answer all of your prayers. So, if you ask for guidance in what to do in this situation with Shannon, if you ask for help, if you ask for healing, He will provide the answer...the right answer for Aaron. Do you believe that? Do you trust Him? Because if you dont (which I believe you dont right now), then you will most probably miss His answer...and the guidance and protection you seek. But if you do believe, you do listen...then you will get the second reason.

The second thing you will get out of trusting Him is peace. And my man...peace is what you need right now. I am NOT talking about happiness. I am NOT talking about things are just great. I am talking about peace and joy, even in a bad situation. Being a soldier, I learned what that is like early. A soldier learns that they could die at any instant. And at first, it is almost maddening to have that running in the back of your head. But eventually, you realize that it may happen...but I must find a place where I can be at peace in all of this. And so what happens is you become almost insulated against the fact that you might die. Some call it bravado. It isnt that. If you meet someone that has been in combat, you will notice somethign about them (especially if you knew them before they went thru that). They have an aura around them. Nothing seems to affect them. As a matter of fact, the worse things get, the better they seem to operate. I do so much better at work when there is pressure to get somethign done, then when there is plenty of time. I work great under stress.

Fox, you must get to this point with Him. You must learn to trust Him with everything. Your wife needs you to be the leader. She is incapable of being that. God provided you with those tools, not her. But until you are locked in with your Leader, there is no way that she is getting her leader.

The good thing about last night is this Fox...you have begun to ask all of the right questions!!! That is what Plan B is for. It allows you the quiet time to ask the right questions, and to get the answers. To become the man that Shannon needs. If you dont get that, then the two of you are like two ticks without a dog...sucking the life out of each other. The life you need comes from Someone else. He is your strength. He is the One that will hold you in a way that no parent ever could. He is the one that will help you get past this, to help you grow up a little more.

Look, I am 41. And I still have some growing to do!! There are 65 year olds on here that I listen to a lot because they have those few more years on me. Growing up doesnt stop until you are dead. You are a few years behind me. So, you do have some learning to do, especially in the basics. And no one expects you to have it all down now. But what we do expect is that you are listening, you are trying to wake up everyday and move one step forward. If you do that, you'll find yourself 30 steps forward by the end of the month. Do you see what I am saying?

This whole thing is to meant to make you grow up, Fox. My pastor said yesterday somethign very interesting. He said that scar tissue is tougher then the tissue it replaced. Did you know that? That if you break a bone, that when it heals, it is stronger at that point then it was originally.

This whole thing is making you stronger Fox. You cant see that yet, but it is. You have to see that even though no one should have to go thru this, that by you going thru it and learnign and getting closer to Him, that the Fox that comes out of this will be so much stronger then the Fox that would have been here if this never happened.

You emailed Shannon last night and gave her an ultimatum. Even if she does come back, the ultimatum is not what she wants, nor you. Plan B is still the way to go because of what it does for and to her. But more importantly, because of what it does for you. Plan B isnt sittign in yoru room waiting around to see if Shannon ever gets it together and wants to come home. Plan B is you taking control and moving forward. It is you drawing nearer to the Lord and letting Him heal you, letting Him take those festerign wounds of childhood, and the open gashes of your marriage, and healing them into scar tissue. You MUST heal Fox. Plan B allows you to do that.

As was said above, you are the captain of your ship. We all have our wars to fight. But you must at some point begin to trust the Lord, and trust what He is trying to tell you. You must sit still and just listen. He is talking.

In His arms.

It's hard to follow a post like Mortarman's. Fox, you are a beaten down man. You first have to accept what is going on in your life. This is very hard to do, but once you have accepted the situation you can begin to do some healing. Your wife is stuck, you can't wait around forever or push ultimatums. You just have to move on and look after yourself, your school, and what you need to do to get back on track with your life.
Acceptance for me meant defining a plan for me and me only. Set some goals and look ahead toward your future. It is positive and allows you to get away from the negativity that the present can bring. Try and get some IC at school. There should be some avaiable for free of charge at most universities.

Let me throw an idea at you...

You feel unworthy of other people's love...you learned this form your Dad and Mom who would leave for waht seemed like no reason at all. Internally you blamed yourself ("If I were lovable they wouldn't have left"). This has affected EVERY other relationship in your life. You feel unworthy of other people's love and KNOW they will leave one day. You crave that love however and want to feel loved. When you are in an R you purposely sabotage it though, because you know they will leave one day...might as well speed the process along. Might as well hurt now rather than later. YOu don't want to give of yourself because you know it will hurt more later.

You ARE WORTHY of love!!!
You are a CHILD OF GOD!!!!
You will get hurt in a R no matter WHAT!!!
You WILL survive this HURT!!!

After another long and draining conversation - my W told me that she wants to be together again - she stated terms that she wanted me to agree to before this would happen.

"I want to be able to go out with my friends without you always tagging along" - this was true for both her guy and girl friends in the past; yes it was wrong of me. While we were together; she had like two friends....and no I'm not exaggerating. My insecurities in our relationship really messed up her social life.

"I want to be able to have some privacy" - earlier in our relationship even when she wasn't hiding anything from me, I did - for lack of better words, always snoop through her things...

"I want to be able to do things with you without the computer getting in the way"

"I want to go to a school where i can get a good education for me"

"I want to be happy"

"I want a family, and I don't want you being scared of having one"

-----------------------------------------------------------

I told her I had some boundaries she needed to adhere too in order for us to work, they were the following.

We need to start marriage and individual counseling. Her response was, "We don't have money for counseling" - at which point I told her that my counselor would do it for free - followed by her saying "I'm sick of our marriage feeling like a ****** job, all we ever do is fight and fight and fight.

She told me if I ever stopped helping around the house or ignoring her like I did again when she came back, she would leave.

She told me that in time she would give me the password to her e-mail again, but that right now - she needed me to show her that I can be a trusting person and trust her when she tells me she won't see other men. She told me that one of the biggest things that hurts her is that, even before she started doing things I didn't trust her (Which I understand...this comes down to my childhood and what I explained earlier.) She told me that once I started snooping, it made her want to hide things, because she felt like I didn't trust her either way, even when she wasn't doing anything.

A direct quote from the conversation from her...

"i sometimes feel like i cant eat, ****** or breathe without your permission or having you follow me" - when I think back about how controlling I was at times; this makes sense <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She then said, "You do that because you are insecure about something and you cant trust me, we need to fix that Aaron"

I then said, "yes - but help me regain that trust by unlocking your accounts and putting trust in me that i won't check them"

After which she told me, "Right now i just cant do that. We ill go to counseling and when I feel we are ready I will give it to you; you have to earn back your trust in pieces."

Hmm.

I then told her, "You've never had a problem with me checking it before." to which she replied, "I've always had a problem with it Aaron. You don't give me any privacy, I can't help but feel like you just want it so you can check up on me and I don't like that; I hate feeling like you don't trust me even when I'm not doing anything wrong."

I then told her that I would give her the password to my e-mail because I had nothing to hide, at which point she said, "I don't want it Aaron, if you were talking to someone else, I still wouldn't want it; I would rather it come from you than an e-mail, its about trusting each other. That's what marriage is about."

So, I told her that, since we were wanting to put our trust in one another, I would put my trust in her and not ask for her password; I told her I wanted her to have her privacy, and that I was willing to do this to let her regain her trust; but that if I found out she was using this to take advantage of me, that I would leave." She apologized about the date she went on with the OM from the dating service; told me that it was nothing more than dinner, and that she was sorry for hurting me in the process. Her story matched up the emails of her's I read.

It has become painfully obvious that I am unable to do a proper Plan B. According to my W, its not a matter of not loving me; yet a matter of proving to her that I have changed my ways; she told me she loves me, and that she wants to kiss me (oddly enough, I noticed this the last night we were together when she was crying...when we said our goodbyes, she began to lean forward to kiss me, but caught herself and quickly backed away hoping I hadn't noticed.) but that she is afraid to. She is afraid of becoming attached to me again and getting neglected like she did before. She told me that she has never stopped loving me through this.

Is it really possible for me to go back to Pullman without her and work on a long distance relationship for one semester; giving her time to prove to me that transferring would not be a bad idea and that she is fully committed? Or is this like a dead fish in water? If she can show me that she is actually in love for me, I can handle the time apart under Plan A - Plan B is too hard for me to commit to. Is what I'm doing foolish? Be honest...but please keep in mind, that at this point in my life, mixed with my emotional maturity, I am incapable of doing a proper Plan B.

I have thought about asking her if I can email EVERYONE in our family and telling them about us getting back together; and that we will need their love and support while we are apart in order to stay on track - that we both want this to work...I would ask my W if this was okay first.

She has finally opened up to telling me she loves me again - however, it only comes in return after I say it first; however, before - she couldn't say it at all. She also could not look me in the eyes and tell me she didn't love me when I asked her to, because she knew that wasn't the case - and she couldn't lie to me.

As immature as she has acted through all of this; I can't help but feel bad for the situation she's in. I don't know how she feels in her heart; but judging from her actions in person and her inability to simply file papers; she is incredibly confused and scared.

Please pray for us; both of us - I'm not really sure where to go from here; it doesn't appear as if Plan B is very appropriate anymore - maybe I'm young and nieve and going against all advice that was given to me; if this is the case, and this marriage fails because of that - I will have to live with this...but I really feel like God is telling me I need to be here for her right now, that I need to be here to give her that security and support that I didn't for so long; to give her a loving husband who understands that she is confused and doesn't simply back out on her because he can't "Take being around her". Either this is the case; or I'm just dumb, and falling into a trap..

She told me I would know when physical intimacy was okay to show; that she would begin to show it again when she felt comfortable doing so - that she didn't want to lead me on.

She also told me that it was very important to her that we mend things with both sides of our families. She doesn't like the fact that her mom doesn't like me - and said it was very important to her that we worked on changing that; to her - a close family means a lot.

This is all I can immediately think of at this point; if I think of more I'll post it.

Should I ask her to write a NC letter to the men she was talking to and be there with her when she shuts down her dating profile?