Thanks, but you may want to remove those IM screen names. I don't do IM. I found it consumes too much of my time.

Sorry...

I bet I can take a stab at it just from what you have written here.

Susan

Well, lets just say I have NO DESIRE, yet he is making all these efforts all the sudden adn things are diffeent now...he KNOWS what to do now...Why couldnt' he brek up with her 3 weeks ago or 2 months ago...why NOW???

anyway, I know how I feel and I do not want him in my life as a H...I guess trying to be nice and friendly was wrong on my part...he took it as wanting other things!

I understand how you feel and why you want to be done with him. If there is any chance of this being real on his part and the efforts having real meat and not just fluff, then it may be worth at least observing his efforts. I would not under any circumstances 'take him back' (ie. don't let him move home) prematurely. Absolutely not...a big no, no this time...that is for sure. He can dream on if he has that in mind. Been there, done that.

This would be a total wait and see, at the very least several months or 1/2 a year. He has to be capable of doing without you and her and all other women to work on himself and his commitment to be a man of integrity and honor again. IC and serious counseling with a Pastor. That includes absolute NC with OW anywhere...including NH.

I really understand if it is all too little too late for you. You have every reason to not reconcile..ever... if that is what is in your heart.

It is just that he is the Dad of your 3 boys and that will always be important and a permanent link to him. I believe that your love for him could come back with all the right moves in place. Maybe that is just too crazy to consider. But really, aside from the OC, his A is about typical for the length it takes to fully run it's course...about 2 yrs. more or less. My H's main A went longer than that...with a couple of separations thrown in there and we are recovered.

It is all ultimately up to you and what is truly in your heart. No need to rush into any decision here. Your boys are worth that and so are you. Is there a final date for the D?

This is my opinion and my opinion alone and it is worth what it cost you ~ which is free.

We should not even be having this discussion. That is what I think.


Why NOT now? How many times have you already gone through this in the past? There's nothing really different about now. Just because the pendelum swings back in your drection does not mean it is pemanent.


This should not in any way constitue a crisis for YOU.

You have a choice. You can live like this as long as you want or you can get out of it. Until you removed yourself from the drama we can't be of much help to you.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Stop with the head games.

Don't let your emotions control you. Deal with facts and what YOU have control over.

You have a PLAN. CARRY ON with your plan.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I just don't trust him, hon. Methinks it is getting too close to parting with his money and that has him doing some really last-minute freak out things. Stay the course.

~ Snow

There's nothing left in my heart for this man as anything other than the father of my children...I am sorry he did what he did...I amsorry he hurt HER once again...it was just too late for me to be reseptive....My heart has moved on...

He gave me til 4:00 today which came and went. He showed up about 4:15 asking what my decision was...I told him I had no desire...he was angry cuz he means what he says and he is SERIOUS this time...I told Him I am sorry.....but he needs to move on... that I hope the OW will take him back...but that is not my problem anymore...

He has had ample time to do what it takes...and NO he would not quit the NH, however someone else would go...he will not move away...he will only quit seeing her...and what about my ENs...he said I am not going kiss your butt if that is what you want...

so there you go...Of course now he says that he cannot believe that I amdestroying this family like this...that I wont give him a second chance cuz he REALLY mean it now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That just sounds like more of the same...why would that change your mind? I wouldn't trust that without serious accountability and then some.




Well, that is reminiscent too, isn't it? Same old Ed.
I think Susan was on to him when she said it is probably about the money he is about to part with.

"Second chance"
I think this would be more chances than second.

Okay, it really isn't convincing that he has changed at all.
He's proving nothing. It will take a long, long time to prove himself worthy. I don't think he has the patience to wait for you and continue to do the right thing by all. Your patience has worn thread bare.

Keep moving forward by doing what you are doing toward a healthier life without him and his skewed way of thinking. Oh well, can't even say 'nice try'. Too little, too late.

thanks trix...it just confuses me when he does this to me...but I get back on the saddle and keep on trekking...I dont think I will ever regret sending him off today..

he truly looked very sad...but I just do not have the feelings anymore..I just do not have the energy to put forth what it takes to make it even worth while...I dont even want to try/pretend
I know I will find true love one day...and Iwill be happy!

I understand that you get confused. I am one that tends to want to give the benefit of the doubt.

If there would be any chance for him it really would have to be him alone and doing the right thing for all the right reasons for a very long time. Then, and only then, would there be any chance for a change of heart in you. I do believe you could fall in love and stay in love again..even with Ed...if he were to do a complete, sincere, honest, about face and stick to it.

But,unfortunately, I don't really think he has it in him. If he really wanted it bad enough, he would do whatever it would take, even when it seemed there was no hope...because he has truly created this mess he is in and it is up to him to undo the damage.

He also would need to prove that he can be a commited involved Dad and role model for your boys. He has shown himself to be anything but that. Oh well.

WEll, he called me back and i was on the phonoe with him for a few minutes when my other line rang...it was a private call...it was the OW... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I told her I could not talk at this time as Ed was on the other line...then I clicked over and his phone rang...I hung up after about 2 minutes

he called me back and said did OW call you? I said no not since last time...he said Ok

he started crying...he got all choked up and said "I am so sorry for putting you thru this...I do hope you find it in your heart one day to forgive me for what I have done to you...I will always love you...I am going to give you the time you need and if you feel that you can find it in your heart to let me back in before the final divorce, then I will gladly come back"

I amcrying typing this...it is just too late! Dammit! why couldn't he do this 3 months ago...2 months ago...

anway, I just cannot do it anymore...I just cannot be hurt by this man again...

MF4M

Signs of true remorse:

• He no longer expects or asks you to take him back. Rather, he is a man of action, kindness, generousity and patience, unconditionally.
• He is friendly to you without expectations.
• He takes care of the financial needs of the family with no strings attached, because it's a family he created, whether or not he had a lapse in bad judgment that caused it irrepairable harm.
• He goes the distance to support you in surrounding yourself with people who are supportive to you - if that includes him driving to San Anton to be with his 3 boys on weekends, so be it.
• You meet another man? He supports you in being happy. He may be sad for the loss, but totally wants you to trust him that he loves you without strings, without conditions, recognizing that while he crossed the point of no return for himself in harming you, he only wishes for the greatest good for you at this point.
• In other words, he surrenders all control and all outcomes.

I don't see one diddlybit of him doing that. He still has conditions and deadlines.

Whoopdeedoo! You are getting sucked in by a "new" desperate act now that he knows you are past the old game, he's trying for a new one. And you are getting deceived by it.

Nothing but all of the above steps would convince me of sincerity.

>I amdestroying this family like this.

Hello what?

I hope he was looking into the mirror and talking to himself when he said that.

Every one of KaylaAndy's points ring true. There is no "you and us" in Ed's vocabulary. Only me, me, me.

Love is patient ;
love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.
~ 1 Corinthians 13

I think Ed's forgotten this....but YOU haven't Kandi.

BTW: Tried to call you last night. If you need me, I am here. Just in case you need a lift up and for what it counts, I think you are doing the exact right thing for Kandi and boys....you are protecting you and them the very best you can....and that's all anyone can ask of you ESPECIALLY Ed.

- Kimmy

This in where the "confusion" lies. IMVHO, MFM still deep down inside "wants" her WH back, as her H obviously. If she was 100% committed to this DV, there would NOT have been any of the hoopla of this thread.

Kandi, you know I love you, but you still are "so responsible" for allowing this drama in your life.

As PB&J said, you are "70%" or so, but just not "there" yet.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mom - WAKE UP! Why couldn't he do WHAT months ago? He is not DOING anything.

Amen Believer

If THAT is not the most profound thing I have read all month!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WEll, I guess I will be there when Sept 25 comes around wont I...

LM, I love you too, however I must disagree with you on wanting my H back...if I did, I would have taken him back today...it nearly killled me listening to him cry...

I just cannot take him back now and allow myself to get hurt again...he really hasn't done anything to prove...except now he has broken up with the OW and I wont let him in...of course I am NOT letting him do anything to "prove it" but I am just numb...I am afraid it is just too late for him..he says he has hit rock bottom, but I have moved on...

thanks for the laugh....your right...he supposedly BROKE up with the OW...ok?? and???

Ok, I will be honest here! I want my H back right now for the financial security, for the comfort of living nicely...for the money,m for the nice car...

You see, as LM, I had it all..I have a nice house, not on a country club, but a nice house nonetheless...I have a nice car..."WE" had several antique classic cars...HE still have his cobra...which I want, but will not fight him for it...

I wil llose all this...I will lose the status...but you know...I am willing to do it for happiness...and for love...I think Ed loves me...but he also loves someone else...I dont think Ed can give me what I want...what I crave...what I have missed for so long...

so yes, in a sense you are right...I told him this too...I told him the only reason I would take him back right now is for the money...that is it! BUT you know what...I WILL make it on my own, cuz i will have to...I will be happy...

Mom -

It's not that I am smart in these things, it's just that I have been HEARING (get that) the same things from my WH for almost 3 years.

But sadly that was it.