I've been mostly quiet, because it's ark's thread and I KNOW how she feels about the term "unconditional love" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but there are some excellent discussions about it that are entirely consistent with relationships like marriage. And the best consider it in such a manner as 2 focus on not losing one's self in the process - not being taken advantage of (by not setting yourself up 2 BE taken advantage of), and STILL be able 2 be a lighthouse for your loved ones (including the foggy ones).

But I won't threadjack ark's stuff!

-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have no problem understanding LOVE for my parents, LOVE for my son, and LOVE for pets. And of course I feel great LOVE towards my friends.

I am in pain b/c I love my H and yet he is gone. H does not want to be married to me anymore. But when I look back, I really did not know what LOVE really was for my H. I might have agreed to marry him just b/c he proposed me and I felt I did not have any objections. Of course I very much enjoyed hanging out with him and doing things with him, but I am not sure if I was truly in LOVE with him that time. As a result, H used to complain that I never loved him as much as he did. I ended up taking H for granted. Now I see that I am losing him and divorce is only around the corner, I realized how much I loved him! Why some people (like myself) do not realize "love" until it is too late?? Why could't I identify my love for H, just like I do for my parents, son and everyone else? I think b/c there is the element of burning passionate feelings. Unless you feel very passionate, you may be confused and think "maybe I am not really in love with him". I think I was sooooo poisoned by the Hollywood movies that unless you are so passionate and cannot wait to get undressed soon as you see the person or something, you are not in love. But I DID always love H. It was just mine was more calm, similar kind of love I had towards my parents.

Ark, when you have a chance to read my thread, I really appreciate it... (I know how popular you are and everyone is wanting advice from you.., I wish I could give my 24 hours to you to catch up!).

I think movies and medias are polluting true love... they make it look like it is all about passion. What about the calm, stable, ordinary (non eventful) love? Also I think the whole movement of "take care of yourself and do what makes you happy; you are who you are and you need to find someone who accepts you as who you are" is damaging a lot of relationships as well. People today became so self-centered and if someone does not accept you for who you are, you have a RIGHT to feel offended and instead of working on yourself to improve yourself, people would advise you to forget about the person.

I think it is like a broken CD player or radio. People used to spend a lot of time trying to FIX them. In today's world, people simply go out ther to get a new one. When it comes to a relationship, it appears to have the same pattern. People do not want to spend the time and energy to "fix" things. Why not just go out there and get the brand new one?? It is sad but happening everywhere in the world.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Love does not cause pain, attachment and fear of abandonment do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh I have much, much more to say on love, my favorite topic but at the risk of getting another *[censored] kicken from you know who, I will pull a 2long and say no more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WEAVER\
YOU ..... I LOVE

UNCONDITIONALLY

Far out!

And right back atcha my zenful, mystical fellow travelor!

then does that mean just to work on my fear of abandonment and attachment and let him fall by the wayside?
He dosent care about my feelings - yet here i am trying to salvage this?

You must first detach to a level where you can focus on you, and you alone. Make the necessary changes in yourself which need to be made to the point where you find happiness from within.

Then and only then will you have done what is necessary to attract him back, or move on in your life happy and productive.

(please keep in mind that I have not read your story, but i believe after five years of terrible pain and almost the complete loss of myself, that this is where the answer lies)