I am puzzled why a "God fearing man" would be asking his W for a D. Your H's faith seems to be based on the praise he gets from others for his good works.

shonel, is it possible your H is depressed?

He has questioned me about depression before. He has also said previously that he feels that he has something like Adult ADD.

Hello!

The drug use should NOT be swept under the rug.

Drug addiction causes depression, mood swings, changes in behavior and personality.

your thoughts faithful follower

Several things are incongruous with his commitment to his faith. That would be drug use and wanting a divorce. How does he reconcile these inconsistency with his 'faith'? obviusly, he doesn't have Biblical basis for either.?

But then again, he doesn't have any right in 'good conscience' to have an affair, which I strongly suspect is at the bottom of his out of the blue declaration that he wants a DV. This is especially true if he doesn't have an explanation as to 'why' he doesn't love you or has never loved you...ie. rewriting history. What doesn't he understand about the word 'commitment'?

Haven't read all your responses so sorry if I repeat anything other's have suggested.

Have you checked his cell phone bill if one exists? Usually you can find patterns of calls to certain numbers that will be the clue you seek for proof. Of course he could be covering his path pretty well. Sometimes you can get online access to check call details.

Read about and start with plan A.

Shonel, start with plan A as Trix said. Although I think addiction can't be ruled out right now I think you need to proceed as though he is in an A.

I'm shocked, Faithful, that you are not taking the drug use more seriously. Obviously, Shonel takes your advice to heart, as she should. You are wise and caring and full of great info.

However, I have been through my H's drug addiction and know that until he was sober, there was no way we could even begin to heal after his PA. Someone "in the fog" is bad enough. Someone "in the fog" and high as a kite is fatal.

After being through drug addiction, affairs, and reading through these great posts, I have come to believe that Plan A does not work with an addict.

Maybe you are questioning if his drug use is an addiction? Every day for many years...yes, it is an addiction.

We are NOT sure of an A. We ARE sure of an addiction.

Shonel, have you ever discussed his drug use? Is it being done in the home? Do you participate?

I know I don't have many posts to my credit, but I have been to h*** and back several times. I've "been there, done that". (Sorry about all the cliches!)

Tatertot

BTW...

Drugs and affairs go hand-in-hand.

It is not that I am not taking it seriously tater, it is that we are not there so how can we call it an addiction? I do not condone any drug use, btw. I hate the idea of it but it sounds like she has condoned the daily use of marijuana and this personality change could be an A or increased drug use. I am simply recommending she behave as though this is an A right now until she can get more information.

Shonel, have you considered having your H get a complete physical? Since the drug use could be the issue you may also want to look up ala-non.

These are very good questions to consider, Shonel.

Shonel, has there been any other changes or stresses in your M or your H's life in the past year. What started him sleeping on the couch? My H started sleeping on the couch when my little one was born. He is a light sleeper so he couldn't take the night feedings. That was the beginning of the end of the intimacy in our M. Now he sleeps with me every night.

"But he still will not talk to me. Does this sound like a man who is cheating?"

Yes, it does! I have read of the same behavior by WS many times here.

On the other hand, his long term heavy drug use is a marker for bigger problems. He is acting like an addict in more ways than one.

Have you thought about getting him to a medical Dr for a major checkup? Long term heavy marijuana use statistically correlates with certain brain tumors which in turn cause sudden personality changes.

His void, as you call it, is also entangled with long term drug use. It may be he has been medicating himself for most of his adult life. But now he is showing the side effects of all the years of this “medication”.

Don't let anyone con you into believing marijuana use is harmless.

With prayers,
.

Hey guys. I am sorry that I have not responded. I have been deep in thight about everything. I want you to know that I hear everything that you all are saying. I do think that I was lead to the wrong forum. I have stood my ground with my husband. I told him that I was not leaving. The kids were not leaving. I am committed to him. I am committed to being a better person for myself and our kids. I now know that I can't change or "fix" him but I can work on myself. If he needs to get out of our marriage then he needs to be the one to leave. I still have no proof of an Affair. What has happened in the past week and over the weekend has been unusual. He now says that we will work this out. See, what I think happened was when we went off together for a few days-no kids-no phones- no tvs, it maybe got him thinking that he really doesn't know me that well. I am always there for him to get to know but he doesn't take the time. I think in his thought process it was hard for him to see that he was to blame for that. See, he knows where I am all the time. At home with the kids or at work. He goes hunting, fishing, riding,...I think you get the picture. I will not be this predictable anymore. I will continue to do with my kids but will also take some time for myself. I have been lost for a long time. If he wants to join me in some of these things, then great. I don't know how I expected him to see me when I barely existed. I hope you are following me. I have done alot of soul searching. Hard to believe that re-identifying myself would be so attractive to him. He can't seem to keep his hands off of me. I am being very careful. I don't want you guys to think that I haven't appreciated your thoughts and advice but I just don't feel that this was because of an affair. And as far as his drug of choice. I don't make little of this. But as I said before, I can't control that. He knows that I dislike it. It's not in our home. This is actually alot of the reason that he is gone so much. He may not ever leave our street at times but he is still gone and that is what I have conveyed to him. Only God can deal with his heart about that. My H has been absolutely wonderful the past few days. Very attentive, conversing with me every opportunity that we get. Something that hasn't happened in a long time. I think I have been invisible to him for awhile. Trust me, He can see me now!!I just wanted to let you guys know how this was progressing. And I do appreciate the prayers. Continue praying. I know it has helped. God Bless.

thoughts?

This is good news, Shonel. Are you going to work through His Needs Her Needs together? What is your plan to keep this progress going?

Hi shonelwalker,

Congratulations! Things do sound better.

And good on you for defending your marriage, standing your ground and your declaration of support for him. He will continue to need all this from you, and more, for a long time to come.

But, there’s always a but isn’t there, your H is a drug addict. Drug and alcohol abuse and A’s go hand in hand. Almost in every case, in fact.

“I think you get the picture.”

Oh, yes. But my view is from outside the frame. I see a rather different scene that you do from the inside.

Even if there is no affair, you know you will eventually have to deal with all of this crap one way or another.

Things will often roll and things will continue to coast. You will be going through this again and again with him.

Addicts stop growing while they are using. Your H is still mostly in his early twenties, emotionally and mentally.

I worry he will suck you dry one of these days. You will give up. It will surprise even you.

I believe you will find, if you truly do work on yourself, you will put up with his using and his addictive and distant behaviors towards you less and less. This is a good thing. As you grow he will feel the changes. He will resent it, of course, but it is the only hope he has to get out of his stagnation.

“And as far as his drug of choice. I don't make little of this. But as I said before, I can't control that. He knows that I dislike it. It's not in our home.”

I hope your children are not exposed to his drug use. That would be the most terrible thing of all. Know that, even if they do not witness his use, his addictive behaviors, and your acceptance of them, are being passed on to them. This is a proven.

I think you will benefit from joining Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. You will receive the support you need to continue in your changes and you will learn what you can do that actually works.

With prayers,

I am working on that. I am taking what I read on this forum and the Marruage Builders web site and using it as often as I can. I continue to pray, also. An example of this (although it may not seem like much to you but considering where I was a week ago) We played a kissing game last night. Once I got him to participate he took off with it and seemed to injoy it more than I did. He is a typical man. Doesn't think we need help. I have my ways of bringing it out of him. I will go back and reread his needs her needs again, though. Any and all help is needed to keep this on the right track.

Al-Anon and Narc- Anon are for you, not him.

Shonel,
Sounds like you and your H are starting to meet each other's needs. Is he reading the book along with you? Hope so!

Please, Shonel, take what Aphelion is saying about drug addiction seriously. Not addressing this problem means you are enabling his addiction. Enabling helps him move to each level of addiction. I know. I was an enabler for many years.

Once my H was no longer getting the fix he needed after years of abuse because of tolerance, he moved on to more dangerous drugs. He lied, cheated, and spent all our $$. Everytime I think of him driving w/ my sons and me in the the car while high just makes me sick!

Whenever I asked him if he was having an A or on drugs, he would deny then treat me good as gold for a time as to "put me back in my place".

My H has been sober for 3 years now, but he knows that drugs or alcohol are now a dealbreaker for me.

Please follow Aphelion's advice and call Al-Anon or Narc-Anon.

Take care,
Tatertot