Post deleted by rsbw

Well, I can tell you that the biggest problem you have on your hands is you all see the OW every day across the street. If you want your H to withdraw frm her and draw back into your marriage, you need to fix that problem pronto.

Is the OW married? If she is, I would make darn sure her H knows. I would call him up, without forewarning your H.

Secondly, all the things he is saying to you are classic statments of a fogged out WS under the influence of an addictive affair. The "I love you, but am not in love with you," the rewriting of history. This is all history revision he has manufactured in his mind in order to justify the unjusitifiable. Pay it no mind as this will all change IF he withdraws from her.

As far as your H living across the street from an OW, I like to use this analogy. Imagine a newly recovered alcoholic going into a bar every day and putting a beer in front of him. He knows he can't touch it but he has to stare at it every day. He is obsessed with that beer and can think of nothing else. Because it is under his nose, he cannot possibly withdraw. And when the inevitable moment of weakness arrives, he has no defense against temptation and reaches out for the drink.

This is what is happening in your family right now.

Lastly, I would run to the bookstore and get His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. I would also recommend reading everything you can on this website about infidelity.

p.s. could you please type in paragraphs? It would make it easier to read your posts. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hmmmmmm, that's a very concerning comment. Does he view adultery as wrong? Does he know right from wrong?

Melodylane is right. This is classic...right out of the Cheater's Handbook. It's "foghese". The translation is.... "I'm infatuated with someone else, and I want the freedom to explore that infatuation."

Basically, what he's looking for is a Marriage Sabbatical, where he can take a break from the marriage...and play with the neighbor for awhile. Less guilt for him if he has your permission to do so, and even better if he can get you to get down in the muck of infidelity by having your own affair. That way, you can NEVER hold it against him.

Here's a link to Orchid's thread on Reverse Babble:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019927[/url]
If the link doesn't work, you can find it in her signature bar.

It's important to NOT interpret 'fog babble' as the ultimate truth of your relationship. People under-the-influence' of infatuation will say anything to try to justify their affair behavior. They are re-writing the history of the relationship to fit in with their own stinky logic.

You'll just get your feelings hurt if you're taking 'fog babble' to heart.

Your husband has an agenda right now. He wants to explore his infatuation, and hopefully keep his home-deal going on the back burner. That's where the business about "maybe we'll get remarried one day" is coming in.

I don't know about you, but if I had to go to all the trouble of divorcing a man....I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for him afterward.

When my husband pulled the "Marriage Sabbatical" routine on me, I told him flat out that I would NOT be available to him in ANY capacity EVER again. I think it allowed him to find some clarity in making choices...because truly, I meant it.

You needn't EVER give him permission to cheat. He'll either do it, or he won't, regardless of whatever you say. The only difference would be in alleviating his guilt. So, he'll try to manipulate you into doing just that.

There's a big difference between the chemical, drug-like, 'rush' of engaging in an illicit attraction...and true love. When "infatuation" is present, the WS is like an addict or an alcholic. They're going for their next fix. It's a dopamine rush to the brain. It feels good.

Addicted WS's are going to say whatever they have to, in order to keep that "rush" coming in. That doesn't necessarily mean that his feelings for you have changed. How could he possibly tell anyway, while he's under-the-influence?

You wouldn't hand an alcoholic a drink. And you needn't give him permission to cheat.

Learn Orchid's Reverse Babble. It'll help you recognize and deflect the fog-talk.

He may *say* you can go out and sleep with someone....but believe me he DOES NOT mean that......not at all, if you even acted like you were going to do that he would scream bloody murder.

I'm not sure what this comment is about unless the wayward spouse thinks that this will even the score. They're wracked with guilt, and are looking for anyway to level the playing field, because they don't know how to deal with it.

My husband's *A* is over now, but he still thinks there is no way to repair the marriage, and that we need to get divorced. He's operating from some kind of clean slate theory, that if we divorce it will make everything okay again. He has stated numerous times that his Mom divorced and remarried the same man.......implying that's what we will do. (What a load of crap).

Anyway, I agree that moving, so you don't have to see her daily, will help immensely. You should start to see improvement, but he will have to go through withdrawl, because he is unable to withdraw from her if he has to see her constantly. (That's supposed to take somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 months).

Good Luck,

-Caren

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be - and especially for you right now. I hope you don't feel bad, but I had to chuckle. I counted about 14 of his "utterings" that are right out of the WS handbook. Most of the cheaters don't able to think of 14 all at once.

I won't bore everyone here with the list, but as you read here, you will see the same things said over and over. And since we know that they don't read here or check with other WS's, it must be just part of having an affair. But they all think they are so original.

Like Melody said, if there is a husband, let him know what is going on. Next, it's time to move. There is no way that your marriage is going to work out with her across the street. Also I'm sure you don't want to have to look at her everyday.

You need to be careful about timing though. It would be a mistake to sell your home and make all kinds of life-altering changes while your husband is still in the addict stage. He's liable to want to move to Timbuktu, or some equally crazy place.

So start out in Plan A, and expose the affair first. Maybe she will move.

You guys are so great- and sorry about the non- paragraphs-I write like I think-so I tend to jump around a lot-

Yes- we are moving our realtor is supposed to come by later today or tomorrow- But here is my fear- we are only moving about 5-6 miles away- while that's not very far I guess it's better than across the street-

I am afraid to let her husband know- he tends to be on the violent side- really I'd like to keep my husband-not have him shot- WELL...-

His Dad cheated and left his Mom for the OW when he was 11- our oldest son is 10- HMMMM- everyone thinks that this is such a weird coincidence- His Dad-whom he has had a very strained relationship with for 20 yrs- gave him the advice of Son, Follow your Heart- that's what he did-

Our MC doesn't think her H knowing would make any difference in our situation- and it might make things worse- her then being the injured party and all and my H thinks she needs rescuing as it is-so he might need to rescue her- and that I WILL NOT TOLERATE-

Back to the house deal-we have lived here 2 yrs- so- it was really now just beginning to feel like home- well not anymore- but he wants to downsize and get in shape better financially- either way- it would be better- but I have this sneaking suspicion -well he even admitted it- we are going to buy a house he can afford to keep for me and the boys- just in case- AGGGH !! If things do get better for us- it will just be temporary until we've saved some more money for our dream house- the one we had plans drawn up for 2 yrs ago-

Oh- I have started walking our dog every morning to help cope and firm my butt a little-today after my walk- I was starting to cry- you know depressed-I don't want to move again- we had just done a lot of things to make this house OUR home- The reason we moved in the first place is because our house was destroyed by a tornado- No one was hurt- so everything worked out OK- and I remember the night after- we laid in bed and just held each other and cryed-because we thought we had lost each other - What the He** happened since then-Yea- I know I'm whining-but everything was just going a long so nicely then BAM-chaos- My world is tilted- now I have to move- I have to wait for him to come to his senses- I have to try and rebuild our marriage- I have to act normal in front of my children- I have to face everyone-who wonders what did you do wrong to make your husband cheat on you-- I know ME ME ME- but that's what he's doing - how come I never get to-

So- back to my crying- he looks at me and says Honey , whats wrong-DUH- I said well nothing and he looks at me as if he really cares- and so I say- You know hopes,dreams,lives- everything's been shattered- then I changed the subject

I am so mortified -that he could do this to us- and I just know deep down- he's just setting me up in a new place so he can bolt- He keeps saying I'm here and I'm working on us- but we have to start from scratch- since we never really knew each other-HA- and there are no guarantees- (so basically he's saying don't get your hopes up) he's planning like a divorce is inevitable -he always said if he married it would be forever-because he remembers how hard his childhood was- now he must have amnesia or something-

He got aggravated at me when I told our counselor that I had called an attorney-and yet he had too- he'd called our realtor already also- and he was planning on where he was going to stay- but he keeps saying If I leave I'm not going to her- I'm just leaving you- and you must know how great that makes me feel-

I know we had problems- stupid ones but they were there- but now everything is a problem-

I really want to make our marriage work- I don't know why it seems he could care less- but I am tired already and this has only been going on for a month- how am I supposed to handle months or years of this- you know the idea of just cutting my losses and running does sound appealing every now and then- I know I could find another man- that's not the problem-the fact that I don't want another man is-

Leaving, but not for her is just more fog babble.

You need to tell her husband. Otherwise, your marriage is doomed. The "lovebirds" will just continue on and on.

Footnote-
Now I fear I will be a horrible mom to my boys - I keep snapping at them and they have done nothing wrong -they are just being kids-
He does know about this website- I showed him the reasons an affair starts and how to end an affair-that day he later told me it was really a PA and not just an EA- but he says the website is to busy - this is from a very intelligent(well he used to be)man whose constantly on the computer at work- I wish I could get him to read some of these posts- but you know he'd probably not realize he was reading about himself-
rsbw

But if I tell then I'm the evil bit**-and I'm afraid it will just make matters worse for me-

rsbw, it's really important that your tell her H ASAP. This will give you extra insurance that the affair does not resume because you will have 2 people watching instead of 1.

Also, you have a moral obligation to warn the man so he can take steps to protect himself and his children from your H and his W. He has a RIGHT to know what your H and his W have done to him; this is about HIS LIFE and it is cruel to not tell him. This is absolutely critical to the recovery of your marriage, because the odds of the affair resuming are greatly increased as long as he doesn't know.

Your MC has given you very bad advice on this issue that puts your recovery at risk.

It will make matters WORSE if you don't tell. Much worse, because the likelihood of the affair resuming is greatly increased if you don't.

What is will make worse is the AFFAIR and that is what you are supposed to be doing. You are supposed to be doing everything in your power to ensure the affair doesn't resume.

Exposure will not ruin your marriage, but the AFFAIR WILL. So, take your pick. And you should be doing everyting to ensure the affair doesn't resume.

I know ya'll are right- I just am teetering on the edge and afraid this will push me over with him- and then he'll be furious and leave for sure-then what?

You should be MORE afraid of what will happen if the affair resumes. Yes, he will be mad at your exposure, but your marriage can survive that. Your marriage CANNOT survive this affair if it resumes.

And also, this man has a RIGHT to know what is going on his own life. He is being betrayed behind his back. How can he protect himself from his sleazy wife and your H if you don't tell him? See, not telling him is cruel.

He is more likely to leave you over the affair, not the exposure.

rsbw, I am curious. Why are you helping the OW hide her secret from her H? Why would you be on her side instead of doing everything to help her victim? Do you realize that you help her, not only at her H's and children's expense, but your own? Helping her keep her secret increases the risk of the affair resuming and decreases the odds of your marriage ever recovering.

How are you explaining this rift to the H? Why does he think you are not talking anymore? Have you lied to him about that?

Post deleted by rsbw

I haven't talked to him in a while- he probably just thinks I'm mad at her for being FRIENDS with my husband- he knew about the friendship but thats all-

Hi, I'm not going to give you a ton of advice on the A and such, because I'm still way too new into this myself, but I'm going through similar issues as you and wanted to point some things out for you if they help.

You have the power in your hand, the knowledge of the A. What will happen if you tell the H of the OW? It makes the A a lot less fun and a pain in the a$$ to continue. Why do you want to be carrying the burden of his little secret? Why do you have to be the one to clean up his mess? What is the worst that can happen? It is probably not as bad as living forever with a cheating H who doesn't quit.

Remember, this A is HIS MESS, not yours. You may have to smell the stank for awhile because you're walking through his crap and its all over your shoes. I know exactly how you feel and I have some of the same issues. However, I'm not going to hold the responsibility for his choices. I'm not going to be the dog that rolls over so I can get kicked. I'm plan Aing but also learning boundaries and communication. I'm also searching out what MY responsibilities are and trying to reconcile and make amends for my own crap. this is a long super tough road but it will be worth it.

So, just think long and hard why you don't want to tell the H. Your WH is already sleeping with her, he's going to continue sleeping with her, don't be in denial about that. Whats happening is already happening regardless of what you do. Why should you put up with it and hope for the best? These people here know why they say expose. The A is a powerful secret, and addictive...somebody told me if you don't expose the truth, you are ENABLING THEM TO KEEP THE LIE ALIVE. Its like handing the bottle to an alcoholic and saying I don't really want you to do this but I won't tell anyone.

I also wanted to recommend a book for you, to help you focus more on what God has to offer you and give you something else to focus on--kind of like working a plan. "How to win back your husband before its too late" by Gary Smalley. It helped me a lot to focus on what I need to do before God to make myself right, which could influence my husband. He may not choose to come back emotionally but I'm not giving up. I'm also doing 12 steps to spiritual recovery and I'm reading the Life Recovery Bible.

Why don't you look into those books, besides the ones here the others have recommended. I highly recommend you start working on your life and your issues, regardless of who you are married to, all those things will remain the same. It has made me feel so powerful and right inside, and yet allow me to try to remain humble (hard to do with PMS and emotional exhaustion)

And the life recovery bible has a great devotional in it, the serenity prayer devotional it is so soothing and comforting. Any bit of relief from this pressure filled life is so wonderful and needed.

Don't remain a victim, you may be suprised that you can get back what you want and even better than it was before. Of course its a gamble, but its a more sure thing if you do nothing that you will lose in the end.

Don't feel the evil ******...are you sleeping around? you have done nothing of the sort. Don't take the blame.

Do prepare yourself for a nuclear bomb, but trust that its OK. You are putting light into the darkness, and you know what happens when you flip on the light...the cockroaches and rats go into a dither and run.

Let him go if he wants to go. Its himself tying the noose around his own next. Don't be afraid to let him face his own consequences. BE BRAVE!

PS. Don't give him or her any warning, just prepare yourself and do it. Maybe if you want to protect the kids, send them to a friends house for the night or something.