BB,

Well from what I have seen, there is nothing worse for WS support than a recovered Xws. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

A recovered Xws has less patience for a WS chaotic and wild ride than anyone else because the recovered Xws has BTDT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The BS tends to have more patience and gets used more often as well. What recovered Xws' have contributed to this board is helping many see the need for the BS to get their mind and heart in sync ASAP so that as needed in most cases, plan B type of action is necessary in order to heal faster.

The longer a BS' tries to be patient (aka: give the WS a chance to return), the longer the pain of the A persists. In many cases the BS contributes to the length of the A along with how much pain it inflicts on the BS and family.

Many good Xws' posting here have been the balancing board for the BS who also gets overcome by the fog of their WS' A. Those Xws' blow away the fog and expose the babble quite well. Why? Because they know how manipulative the A c/b.

Oops, almost forgot to answer the question: : Would a affair really hurt a xWS???

IMHO, yes. A real recovered Xws w/b seriously hurt. Why? Because they really know better. The initial shock is often harder. Denial is amplified but reality forces them to face it and makes them take a look at themselves. Their moves c/b more cautious because they know better. To hear the babble thrown at them when they know how it felt to dish it out, creates an internal conflict which causes a variety of reactions.

So does it really hurt an Xws? Yes. How each chooses to handle that hurt and move forward is another matter but the path to recovery is still the same as a BS....eventually.

JMHO,
L.

I think this is why WS can understand it...because we know deep down there really isn't an answer to this and so we don't try to figure it out and understand it.

I know exactly how I got where i did, combination of a major surgery, neglect, depression and self destructive coping skills. I can figure out all sots of things, but i still can't understand what made me do it, what was it that made me just do it. The only answer I have come up with is selfishness.

When H had his, because I knew that I couldn't figure out exactly WHY I did it, i Didn't expect H to figure it out either.

H's reasons and justifications and so different than mine, and our situations are so different, that in all honestly - I still don't understand how he could have left me and the children and really want nothing to do with us during his A, as during my A, leaving my H never crossed my mind, I still wanted the marriage with him. This was hindering us in the first few weeks of reconciliation, as I was desperately tying to grasp WHY he did this.

Then I realized, he tried for 7 months to grasp why I did this, and became so obsessed with it, he ended up in a similar negative cycle to me, and just became selfish. I realized I may NEVER understand why my H did it...just as I never have come to terms with exactly what made me cross the line - but I know how I got there so I can protect myself in the future.

I guess I understand how he got where he did and how he could be capable of it - but i do not understand WHY he had it, I know he was hurt from me, but he held himself as such an honorable man, alwasy better, we had been in recovery for 7 months, I was doing everything...hurt does strange things to some people...that's all I understand.

I only thing my healing process has been alittle faster not because I understand, but I see where my H dwelled and obsessed and how he treated me because of it, and how he went round and round in circles, and I am bound and determined not to get trapped in that cycle. I wont treat my H like he treated me during our first recovery. I want us to succeed.

I babbled and babbled here - hopefully you can make some sense of what i am saying lol

I think it's the same whether for a first time WS or a BS-turned-WS... a selfish sense of entitlement that is able to justify just about anything...

dewt