C42,

I think you did the right thing to let him know how you are hurting. Pay attention to your child's words. Mine said the same thing. They are smart you know and quite observant.

Let the WS know that your children don't like how he disrespects you. He will grumble and babble, may even say he needs to talk with the kids. Let him. Maybe they will give him a piece of their mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid, I appreciate the support. I guess this is so hard because I am such a conflict avoider. Its easy when I read other's post to see how WH is trying to weasel in. I don't want to believe my WH is an alien. I want to believe that if I give him one more chance he will come to his senses. Its difficult to actually implement the advice given. But I tried it my way giving him chance, after chance, after chance...it didn't work. So I am looking for guidance. advice and support. Maybe I'm getting stronger after all.

I still plan to go to the beach. He will be returning to Puerto Rico I think Monday. I asked why they just don't make everyone stay there it would be cheaper for the company. He said "The director wants us to have a chance to see our families even if its just for a couple days."

confused, enjoy your time at the beach. Sure wish I had some words of wisdom for you but as you know I am just as confused as you. I like you wanted to believe my WH was different from all the rest. Wow guess I was wrong, he is following the script to the tee. Darn Aliens.....

thanks hurt, looks like we were posting to eachother at the same time. Its funny how we want to believe our own situation is unique...but the aliens have all the same programing. I'm not sure if WH is still even in contact with OW...I will just assume he is...and just getting better at hiding it.

Well one thing for sure know mine is in contact, heck he lives with her. I guess by your WH's actions I would assume he is still seeing her as well. I pray for both of us that this all comes to and end sometime soon, because I wonder how much more we can take before we tire of it and say forget it....

^^bump^^

looking for input and support

Confused - I can't believe I missed this the first time around. You have always given me such support so here's a {{{{hug}}}} for you!

That must have been the hardest thing to tell him you were not going to pick him up. As you know I am struggling right now and do not know if I would be strong enough to do that. In my opinion you just set a boundary and I think that is great!! You are telling him by your actions that you value yourself and are not going to let him run over you.

I think it is always easier to see what others are going through and not ourselves. I often find myself justifying my WH actions. They are in the wrong, we are not. We are trying to save ourselves and our marriages.

I hope you have fun at the beach. Be strong!!

That was an EXCELLENT speech you gave him on the phone.

This back-and-forth routine that he has you locked into is his way of negotiating having TWO women at his beck and call. He wants you BOTH!!! He has really shown no remorse or willingness to let the OW go, he wants to hang onto her, and when he feels you slipping away he knows ha has to work a little harder at keeping you around too.

Why not start packing up for him? Why not start packing up some of his stuff and put it in the garage or storage. He wants to move out...that is great...that is making a choice for him.

I can promise he is telling the OW a bunch of lies..."I am caught in a loveless M" "My W is a B***" "I would D her except for the kids" "She means nothing to me, you are the one I love, what we have is special" "Be patient, I am trying to work this out"

He wants to move out to keep OW happy, yet he is afraid of losing you too...Waaaahhhh.

Go to the beach!!! Have a great time! You will need the strength. It will be time for Plan B soon. He needs to move out, and with all his stuff, and NO moving back until a REAL commitment and proof of NC for AT LEAST a month has occurred.

Next time you talk with him ask him about his plans for moving out...what date...what you can pack for him. If he balks, you can give him the same speech...or even one that says you need your space and need to heal. If you both belong back together you can work on that too, over time, with honesty...

Thanks for the support guys. Only have time for a quick post.I'm leaving from work in about 15 min. I'm gonna run home let the dog out grab my stuff pick up my mom and head to the beach...before WH plane touches the ground. I talked to my kids they know where I'm going and that daddy comes home tonight. Hopefully he'll pick them up tomorrow, so he can spend some time with them before he has to return to Puerto Rico Sunday or Monday. He IM'd me this morning and said he had a ride from the airport he didn't say with who. Maybe OW? because his wife doesn't understand him and won't pick him up from the airport.

Thanks again, keep us in your prayers

Dear C42:

I know how you feel. I agree with the rest who say it's OK to have told your WH how you are hurting - just in case he had forgotten.

Hope you enjoy your time at the beach!

L.

Just checking in really quick. I went to the beach, beautiful house, relaxing beach...WH came home to empty house and didn't like it one bit. I thought we made some progress but says he is still confused and wants to take it one day at a time. He goes back to Puerto Rico tonight will return Friday. I'll post details later but it seems he can't face the fact that he had a relationship with another man's wife.

Trying to catch up on everyone else's threads...you guys have been busy!!

Last Thursday...I got home from work grabbed my stuff and picked up my mom and headed to the beach. WH called around 7:30PM when he got home. Company limo dropped him off... so much for the mysterious ride home. He said he was going to call the kids and pick them up early from BIL on Friday.

At the beach I'm drinking Apple Puckers (very good very potent) and playing cards with mom and friends. I get a phone call from DS13..."Dad called and wants to pick us up early. I don't want to go with him and I told him so. He's not my favorite person right now."
9PM get another phone call from WH. He went to dinner and ate alone at a diner. He said he talked to the kids and DS was having such a good time with BIL he didn't want to come home yet. WH planned to talk him into it when he got there. He ASKED if I could come home Friday evening so the family could go to dinner together. I agreed.

I got home from beach, WH had assembled the new bed that I bought and put air conditioner in our bedroom. ( thank God cause its been really hot here). He greeted me with a warm embrace and passionate kiss that we have not shared in many months. We went to dinner at a restaurant in the city. He continued to be affectionate even in public. Eye contact was wonderful. Later that night I said "It feels like you missed me." He said" I did miss you".

The next day started VERY well. Affection continued. He went and got a haircut and stop at library and was home in 1/2 hour. I picked up NO OW vibe. He cut the grass and vaccuumed the pool. As the day progressed he got quite and seemed distant.

That night we watched a movie with the kids. He remained distant. When they fell asleep I asked to speak with him. I asked him if he had changed his mind about leaving. His response was "well I paid the month's rent 2 weeks ago". He said while he was away he thought of me and the kids all the time and when he came home to an empty house he hated it. "You got so much done, it doesn't seem like you need me." I told him that I didn't NEED him that I WANTED him.
I told him DS13 had opened up to BIL & SIL and that I had talked to him and he said how he didn't like the way WH was treating me. I encouraged DS to talk to WH directly but he didn't want to because he felt he always disappointed WH by not cutting the grass right or taking the trash out in time or doing anything to meet WH approval. I told him not only was he leaving me in limbo but DS as well and that not telling DD his plan to leave was causing extra stress for DS. I think that hit home. WH said "I thought he understood and was taking it really well." I said "He understands, but he's not happy and he's trying to hide it from us."

WH said "I'm just taking it one day at a time." I told him that was not good enough. I told him if he chose to commit to working on our marriage we could take it one day at a time with a goal in mind. Because there are issues to deal with and if I make him angry one day does that mean he leaves the next? He said he noticed things I've done around the house and could see potential in what we could accomplish if we worked together...if only I had done these things before. Like, why is it now when I'm working full time that I found time to put vacation pictures in frames.

The next day he spent extra time and attention with DS. He went to work and left for Puerto Rico tonight.

If he can't come to terms with me putting a few pictures around the house...how is he ever going to come to terms with the fact that he had an A with another man's wife? Its almost as if he is looking at every little thing as an excuse so he doesn't have to face what he's done or admit to wrong doing.

I'm thinking of calling MB for a telephone counseling session. It feels like he wants to commit to our M but its easier to turn away then deal with reality. What do you think? Stupid alien logic.

You did really well. By all means, if there is anyway that you can afford it, make an appointment for counseling with the Harleys. I have never heard of anyone not being completely happy.

Just continue what you are doing, it sounds very promising to me.

Thanks believer...I keep trying. BTW WH said last week he felt like he was missing something when I was going out when he was away. I'm glad I had a good time...I think it did us both good.

U got him thinking and confused. This is good for a WS. LOL!!!

The BS should want to see the WS confused. It makes lessens the opportunities for the WS to lash out against the BS and family.

It is progress in the right direction. Don't get too anxious. He needs to have the time to miss his family. He seems to be getting a touch of it.

You said the right thing that 'it isn't enough'. Notice how he changed the subject when you brought it up?

He is still a conflict avoider.

L.

Thanks for the reply Orchid. As he is getting more confused I am getting less confused. I hate when after a "confrontation" I think of all the things I should have said. Like last years vacation camping, going to the beach, going skiing all included OW and her family. When he complained about me not having vacation pictures around I should have said something about how I didn't want pictures that included another man's wife. He can't commit because of the way I decorate?....yea that makes sense...it has nothing to do w/ OW!!!(insert sarcasm)

I'm thinking this week while he is away, I will continue to do what I did last week. This week I'll just include the kids in my activities. I didn't see him before he left the house yesterday, he did call when he got to the airport (he drove himself). No contact with him so far today. We'll see if he misses us again.

Went school shopping with DD last night. They grow so fast! I remember when she would wear the cute little dresses and skirt...not any more! Tomorrow I'm playing hooky after lunch and taking the kids to the beach to meet up w/ BIL & SIL. WH contiues to call nightly.

Today should be interesting. Taking the kids to the beach to spend the day w/ BIL & SIL (BTW beautiful day today). Last night spoke w/ mutual friend to OWH and found out OW and another female friend with kids are all staying in the same beach town for the week. My first thought is how will I react if I see her.

then I thought hmmmmmmm...

WH is away for the week as well. When he calls it comes up as unknown caller, unknown number...previously when he called from Puerto Rico it came up as Puerto Rico. He drove himself to the airport...not due back until the weekend...he wanted to take the kids and join her there last year. (I wouldn't allow it)

kind of makes me think...but I do have a good imagination!

He didn't take sneakers or sandals..no bathing suit, only work clothes. He knows where I'm taking the kids and didn't try to discourage me... actually said to have a good time... with vacation and surgery and the other trip to Puerto Rico he really couldn't afford to be away from the office for another week unless it was for business...

but still....hmmm

its interesting.

Its raining here today but yesterday was a great day at the beach. Water was warm and the company was good..had a great time with BIL & SIL. Last night we went on the boardwalk. It was packed with people. As I was buying Carmel popcorn SIL came over to tell me my DS was being hugged by some teenage girl....I knew who it was.

OW's friend had all 4 of their kids and they were talking to mine. I joined the conversation...this is part of the circle of friends that we lost due to the A. It was nice to see them. No one mentioned WH or OW except to say she was with them but must have not noticed they stopped because she kept walking. I didn't see her or speak to her. I just had a feeling we would run into them.

Over all it was a great day...I was not about to let OW ruin it.

WH comes home Sunday from Puerto Rico