Hi, Orchid you are right again. It didn't really bother me that he might get upset by the email. As predicted he didn't even address it. He went to his meeting. When he came home he want to spend time w/ DD. She want to spend time with me.

I will not communicate w/ him today. Tonight I will confront him face to face about his plans.



I'm learning from the best! Hopefully I'll be able to use in real life in real time. (instead of thinking of it after an alien encounter is over) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So how r u doing?

Reverse babble gets easier as time goes on. Initially most of us gotta practice. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks for checking in on me Orchid.
WH just loves to avoid, avoid , avoid. He came home from work and was so tired he went straight to bed. Slept throught dinner so he didn't have to look at us at the dinner table. After we ate I went up and woke him up, he pulled me into cuddle (trying to distract me to avoid) Didn't work I asked him if he got my email he said he had. Then tried to turn it around on me and asking my plans, didn't work, I redirected and told him he needed to make a decision that the kids would be going back to school soon (sept 12th, delayed opening due to construction) and they needed time to adjust. He said he couldn't think and got up and went down stairs. He tried to get me to go to bed early with him I told him not until we had a conversation. So he went to bed.

When I got to bed he tried cuddling again, then he finally fell asleep. I got up and wrote him another email telling him he had to deal with this.

I told the kids they could each invite a friend to the cabin and Daddy wasn't going because he had things to do. He will have a chance to talk to them tonight because I am going to a Jimmy Buffet concert.

My sister and BIL got me tickets. I invited WH to go but he refused since my sister will be there. Made arrangements with a friend to go in his place but she was running a fever last night.

Got an extra ticket for Jimmy Buffet in Philadelphia tonight....anybody wanna go? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
My friend had a miraclous recovery and will be going to the concert with me after all!!!

I was a little worried I wasn't gonna get to "Margaritaville".

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Have a GREAT time!!!!

You go girl!!!!!

K

Yippee!!! How was the concert? I love the Buffet man!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Busy at work today so just a quick update.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />LOVED the Jimmy Buffet Concert <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I was a margaritaville virgin but I had a GREAT time anyway. I think I'm hooked. I knew many more songs than I thought I would.

As I was leaving for concert WH followed me out to the car and asked why I was doing all this....making all these changes and doing things I hadn't done before. I told him over this last year I was forced to take inventory and he had been right about a lot of things and that I made changes to improve my life. He said I seemed to be enjoying my independance and that I didn't want him around any more. I said that I was enjoying my independance and I would like him to join with me. That we were wasting time.

I went to the concert, when I came home he was waiting up for me. We talked for almost 2 1/2 hours (we were both off the next day).
During that time I asked him a question I knew I shouldn't have asked...Do you love me? He said nothing. I got up and said well I guess that answers it right there. He followed me and explained that he wasn't sure if he even knew what love was anymore. He said that he was physically attracted to me and feels drawn to me. (lighthouse???)

I told him that if he chose to stay home there would be NC w/ OW and if he chooses to have contact w/her, he chooses to hav NO contact with me. He said he was well aware of that and has not had anykind of contact w/ her in a while. And that we would need to go to councelling to work on our issues we just can't ignore them and hope they go away.

The next day I was taking the kids to my sister's cabin in the Poconos. I asked him if he would like to go along...he declined. So I took my 2 kids and my niece and nephew to the cabin for a long weekend. We called once a day to check in. WH said he was working on something but wouldn't say what it was. I wasn't sure if he was working on the house or packing the RV up to leave....He worked on the plumbing for our leaky shower.

Ended up being a long up date.
Now what? If he intends to stay I want him to write NC letter and make appointment with MC. Thats reasonable...or do I try to get him to leave?

Good to hear from you. Seems like progress and better weather (fog lifting) came your way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let him wonder. That is why you need to stand your ground. He sounds like mine did as he was waivering. The A is never stable. It is vulnerable to attacks of stability.

U see how he has tried to get you to feel sorry for him?

NOTE: WH followed me out to the car and asked why I was doing all this....making all these changes and doing things I hadn't done before.

c42: told him over this last year I was forced to take inventory and he had been right about a lot of things and that I made changes to improve my life.

'WS: He said I seemed to be enjoying my independance '

Your replies were good:
c42: I said that I was enjoying my independance and I would like him to join with me. That we were wasting time.

So how do you feel now? Don't you feel better that you could stand up for yourself and not allow him to sway you into a lull that would allow him to suck the life out of you? Remember he is still a WS.

Time is not the same with the WS. They say NC with the OW but that c/b no physical contact but it could still mean text, e-mail and phone calls. Be quite specific about what NC means. I would always include the verbage: NC means not communciation in any way shape or form.

L.
c42:

I feel good. When he followed me out to the car I was thinking "this is the alien stratedgy to get me to stay home" Its happened before. There was a going away party for school superintendent that I was going to alone last May WH started what sounded like a meaningful conversation...I cancelled my plans and stayed home. After he realized I cancelled my plans the conversation stopped..he had achieved his goal.

I did not get emotional I did not LB. I was not afraid to stand up for myself or afraid to say what I was thinking.



The last time he promised NC I caught them IM'ing. I made it clear NO communication what so ever. We'll see if he does the NC letter. Last time he balked at that. I fully understand he is still WH and has not earned FWH status yet...not for a long time...it needs to be earned.

c42,

Very proud of you my dear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Maybe nows the time to consider a name change, from confused to..... C ______? U r no longer 'confused'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Just tried to change the subject line and it wouldn't let me delete just add to it. hmmmmmmmm...is that because of the new edit rule?

A new name...determined diva? Lucid in NJ? orientedx3? alien slayer? yankee gal? DietCokeQueen (oops is pepsi still on strike?) don't mess w/momma?

I'll have to think about it. Thanks for the vote of confidence.....confident again? just plain "confident"?

Ok the good news is I really am no longer confused..I know what needs to be done..I am thinking clearly my emotions are NOT running all over the place FINALLY.

The question is am I brave enough? Do I have the courage to push this alien invader? I know that I cannot control his behavior and he is a world class avoider. I know I want our M to be better and for my life and the life I provide for my kids to be better, but I can't force him to change. I do believe the A has ended and there is NC w/OW.But if he is unwilling to do the work, or at least meet me half way...then what? Will plan B nudge him to work on M if A is over?

Orchid: Then maybe you need to change your poster name to something like: confident42. cool42. charming42. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> u get the pix. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Glad to hear your clear mind is taking over. Now let's work on that calm heart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Only you can answer those questions. Support, counseling, lots of reading and posting here helps you get your answer. One that you are satisfied with.


Orchid: Now you can progress. See you won't be spending as much time trying to convert a WS into your spouse. Not within your means. Unless you want to disect the WS and lobotomies don't work because 'dem alien's don't have brains. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



Orchid: Correct. No need to spend useless time trying to fix what you can't.


Orchid: Well that's debateable. Time will tell.


Orchid: Then you do what you can. Work on you. Take care of what you can.


Orchid: Maybe. Most likely your moving forward will have a greater impact. The benefit is for you and your family 1st, for the WS 2nd, then for the M 3rd.


L.

Thanks Orchid
I was thinking the same thing last night. I have a whole list of things I was gonna do when I went into plan B...then I thought what am I waiting for? Why shouldn't I do those things anyway? They are things I want to do around the house and for myself and my kids...I was slipping back in to an old pattern. Putting my needs on the back burning and waiting to take the lead from my H. Well my H still isn't himself he is more WH than H.

I have put my focus on him and the A for so long, I need to reclaim my life for my own even if he stays. It puts things in a whole different perspective...one where I have control...it is so easy to fall back to those dysfunctional patterns. Thanks for helping me see that. {{{{{{{hugz}}}}}}

U made my day!!! That's a lot to say, especially as I am getting ready to go to work where the WS and OW have 'double standards'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

"I need to reclaim my life for my own even if he stays...It puts things in a whole different perspective...one where I have control."

This is where clear thinking takes you.

Good luck C42.

I've had enough. I'm tired of trying, of being open and understanding. He is giving nothing. No thats not true, he did work on the house and move the washer & dryer down to the basement, which I guess saves me from hiring someone to do that. Things are quiet and civil, there's no yelling or fighting. He is not going out drinking. He is also not talking to me, or sharing anything about his day. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. I found he has another email account I was not aware of. He responds to me with 1 or 2 word responses. He is physically home and interacts with the kids but ignores me.

I had to work on Labor Day, visiting patients that live in neighbor of OW. When I got home my DD asked "Were you by the ***"s house? Because we were and thought we saw you car."

So I spoke to WH and asked how often he happens to be in her neighborhood. He drives by her house everyday on the way home from work. I told him that we had agreed to NC. He got angry and said I should map out the way home since that was the shortest route. I said that would be up to him that I would not police NC it had to be something for him to do. He got angry and walked out. I sent him an email explaining triggers and how driving by her house was keeping a connection to her even if he didn't see her. No response.

I've been waiting for him to leave on his own...he won't, I don't think he wants to be the bad guy. So I'll do it. He doesn't want to be married so he can just leave. I'm done.
I'm fine with that. I'm tired of living like this. I'm ready to move on.

That's called a plan B action. Have you identified your boundaries? Being fed up is an emotional decision.

Pray for that clear mind, calm heart thingy C42. You are reaching a turning point where you are no longer willing to live with a WS.

L.

Gosh, I think I would ask him to write No Contact letter before I did anything. Has he done that yet? If he is in withdrawal, his actions (or lack of actions) are normal. Hope you won't give up just yet.

Orchid,
You're right it is an emotional decision, I'm tired of him not being available to me emotionally. Yes, I have identified my boundaries NC being the main one. I guess I can see how he would not consider driving by her house contact. He is treating me the way he did when they were in contact.I have no proof that they are IM'ing just that they are both on line at the same time early in the morning. He literally ignores my existance. I have told him that I find that very disrespectful, but he still contiues to do it. He is emotionally distant.
I am calm. This isn't affecting my concentration at work. I cannot force him to open up to me.

I told him about a couple I had seen when I was out to dinner with the kids last week (he was visiting his brother).
They sat through the entire meal and made no eye contact and did not say one word to each other. I said"That could be us. I don't want a marriage like that. I want to share things with you, have no secrets between us. I want to have a joyful marriage." He said "I don't want a marriage like that either." But he does nothing to improve our marriage.When I try to engage him in conversation, he walks away from me or gives me a one word answer.He has told me that he is giving all he can right now. I will not make any rash decisions but this has been going on for MONTHS.