I will not thread jack and tie up Tired Dad's post any further.

You are free to email me with any questions, complaints or comments.

Hopefully Tired Dad will be back,,,,

Some good thoughts, dorry, and I like hearing what you think I might be missing.


What I think you might be missing is the level of anxiety this guy seems to have been living under for years on end now. His fear of uncertainty is really high, and he's surrounded by it at the moment, including uncertainty about the management of his own behavior.

I see what you're saying about timeliness and stages of support, and I'm relieved for the guy he's posting here -- if you read my posts, you can see I told him this forum was the best bet once he found out about the A. I don't in any way want to stop what support he could get here. But I also think if he can gain mastery over even one of his triggers *now*, it stands a chance of doing a lot for his anxiety level and feeling of lack of control over what happens. Right now he's got to be feeling like he's at the mercy of someone who's playing with his head, and even helpless to stop this situation from making him into something he doesn't want to be.

But what you say makes sense and most of them can wait a bit until some of the initial shock is processed.

God bless you ML! This guy was treated so bad that it made me sick.

I stopped posting on the other board and did not even go back after my last post. This guy needs experts in the infidelity area and now he is here. I was stunned how he was treated on the other board.

T-D please listen to the regulars on this board and they will point you in the right direction.

MelodyLane and Believer know what you are going through and you really need to listen to those that have been there. As a matter of fact Believer was the one who asked your wife if she was having an Affair and she was criticized for saying that. She was dead on and the reason for that is wayward spouses have a pattern and she recognized it. I also think people get a very balanced view on this board no matter what your gender.

Your wife is not the woman you married. She is like an alien now and this is going to take a lot of work. You will have to make improvements on yourself and your wife will have to confront her problems. I would suggest profesional help if you can afford it.

I hope you realize that the affair is all her it is not your fault. It is not on you to fix things it is on both of you. You were being called abusive while your wife was abusing you. Please improve yourself and be a better husband if you decide to stay together but she has to be held accountable for her behavior also.

I recomend listening to people who have been thru infidelity and stay clear of those who have not. When you came here and were trying to be a better husband you became frustrated because she was not responding well you never had a chance. A spouse having an Affair is not going to respond to you. A WS(wayward spouse) will say anything to make their spouse sound worse.

I am divorcing my wife and I could have written a lot of what you did as far as discovery. I read emails and recorded conversations and I even had videos and my wife was planning on leaving also. Lets just say that she is very unhappy now.

I could not overcome her infidelity and so I asked her to go with the OM because I lost all love for her. Now she begs for me to take her back and it is sad. I feel bad for her because she was willing to give up everything to be with him and now that she can she begs for another chance with me that she will never get.

I can tell you are a good man by how hard you were trying to save things. Keep up the good work and listen to the people over here if you want to save your marriage. In my humble opinion stay away from those who only want to hold you accountable but not your wife. You will be on a rollercoaster and you have to have lived with a wayward spouse to understand them. In a lot of cases they are not rational.

So please post more and good luck to you.

For those of you that haven't experienced MOS before may feel she's a tad on the blunt side (or worse).

For me she's been a valuable poster. Her directness has helped me see through many of the poor behaviors I've exhibited in my life. I've never made nasty comments to my W yet some of the most subtle little LBs can make a huge impact on our spouses.

What we all seem to forget is that one of the most important concepts of this forum is to work on changing ourselves. MOS is very focused and EXTREMELY helpful in those situations. So she doesn't soft-pedal or take time to minimize a person's faults. I think that type of bluntness is exactly what many of us need here on this board.

MOS isn't a spiteful, resentful person. She is very adept at doing what she does. Calling a person on their poor behavior.

I believe she is going to be a huge help to TD in eliminating his LBs. LBs he had LONG, LONG before his W even considered having an A. Behaviors that probably created an environment where his W no longer wished to be in.

I'm saddened to see that other posters would choose to tell another poster to shove off ... especially when that person was invited to participate. And I'm also saddened to see that a moderator doesn't see MOS for what I see her to be. I suppose they are people just like any other and have their own perspective of a poster.

As far as T_D being back ... I have little doubt. He's very committed to what it takes to get his W back and he knows how valuable EVERYONE here is.

Sorry to TJ T_D. I hope you, at the very least, continue to give credence to MOS's posts.

While healing their own pain, a BS needs to work on his/her own issues and how he/she contributed to the destruction of the marriage. M is a two way street, and the M will never work, unless the BS changes too. Many WS have complained on this board about the tendency of MB to be onesided. I think often times the BS is very skewed about how they portray things. I know my BS was! You all actually told him to ask for a D! I wanted to save my M, but it was impossible as long as no one confronted him on his need to change. From the beginning, a WS needs to be provided HOPE that returning to and working on the M will not result in the same old problems. Melody Lane was VERY one sided with my H, and I have read a lot of her posts. They mostly tend to be onesided, and frankly I don't see how she can help a M being that way. I think its important that both people in the M be confronted, otherwise it will never work.

TD, post for you below, but first...

Wow, I'm sure glad we have mods.

This is ridiculous. MOS was invited here. If you don't know where/why/how, then either look it up, or just accept it, or keep it to yourself.

Believer, after your keen insight into asking about BT's possibility of an affair, I'm surprised you would launch an attack on MOS. Honestly.

How is THAT helping TD? Then, to say, "Okay, let's forget it." Doesn't work that way.

I agree with MyAlias. MOS is a VALUABLE and INSIGHTFUL poster. She IS here to help, though blunt, which some posters on this thread have been accused of before. Nothing wrong with blunt, then eh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, to TiredDad: I'm sorry I have not had the chance to catch up on reading yet, so I can't say much about your past posts.


This is classic. She is missing OM. Bad news, I know. But affairs are addictive and you stated some of the reasons why in a paragraph of yours I quoted below. It's unreal. It's all fantasy. So, now, your W is in withdrawal. Tell me, has she written a NC letter? Is she maintaining NC? It's good you are noticing her moods, because this can be an indicator into her keeping NC.

BTW, you are doing this the hard way. The BEST way is the way you two are ending the affair, but the hard way, because when affairs die naturally, it's because the real world has entered the relationship. It's like ending any relationship really, and there's a finality to it, whereas if it's end is demanded somehow, there is no closure.


Yes, exactly. She's got stresses with you, plus the fact that you weren't meeting her ENs out of anger.

I'm sorry you were depressed. Are you willing to consider natural or medical intervention for that?


It's okay not to trust her just now. Harley says that trust is EARNED. She has lost the right to your trust by having an affair. A fantasy relationship based on lies.


This is okay too. Just keep your eyes on where you need to go and you will get there, even if you get hung up occasionally.

Now, about your independence. Have you discussed with your wife the things you would like to do alone? If she's interested, this type of RC could help rebuild your marriage.

I believe that nearly all the EN's are interrelated. You can fulfill so many just by doing RC (if you get to chat or touch affectionately while doing it). Maybe you can POJA new things to do together.

~ZP

aao, I'm sorry you find my posts "one-sided" but I suspect that may have alot to do with your own biases. You probably don't want to hear what I have to say. And that's ok, I don't need your approval. Pretty much, I tout the Marriage Builder's principles right down the line. And yes, they do work very well. I don't know how your track record holds up against theirs, but I would point out that they are very successful.