I think it would be better - and much safer - to be socially isolated than to hang out with drinking teenagers. I can't think of many more deadly combinations. Sounds like a bunch of kids with wimps for parents to me.

Kind of had the same thought myself.

Both D and Stepson said they thought the father was "lame" for doing this. Father's logic is that since they are going to do it anyway, he might as well provide them with a safe environment where they don't have to drive home. Of course, if he's not there, it's not safe. SS said, "Well, the kids are going to be exposed to him dying, and they have to go through that anyway. So why doesn't he do that now?" SS confirmed for my D that you can't trust guys to be "safe."

I may let my daughter read this thread. Better from other mouths than mine. She thinks I'm flying off the handle.

It would be better from her mother's mouth, A.M. You are the one in charge here.

Another good reason to not let your daughter at that house again...she should not have had to play nurse to a bunch of drunk kids.

I'm sure you know your daughter, just like I know mine, but they are all capable of doing wrong.

Social isolation...not hardly! I don't know where you live but we live in NYC and that is not the case at all parties. And even if it were, does it make it right?

I think the point is that the people who own the house, bought the booze and left them alone are very much at fault and I would never let my child go to their house again.

You seem like a good Mom so I am sure you will do what is best for your child.

She got it from my mouth, but I'm the only one reacting.

She is sore at her friend for being "fresh" with me. She says Kid B is often snotty.

Hey, I want to thank you all for your quick reactions. It's helpful to know I'm not totally off the wall on this one.

How shameful that her friend has never been taught to respect her elders. That is downright trashy.

You are right on the money in being upset.

Too many kids now a days are not taught to respect their elders, themselves or anyone else.

AMM,

My kids would never even consider asking to do such a thing...they might THINK about it...but I don't care if your daughter is the next Mother Teresa...

She is a minor
Drinking IS NOT going on at every party
Isolation is NOT the alternative
Your 20yo and your daughter are lying to you.
I've had mixed parties at my house, supervised, all wrong gendered out by 11pm and no booze
Your daughter and son CHOOSE to hang out with those that drink and whatever but there are more that do not do that in HS than do...
You may want to let her know that Rat poison is not for humans as well

Your kids pulled enough wool over your eyes to make us all sweaters...I like cable knit OK?

One more thing...There are NO safe teenage boys.
There are no safe teenage girls.

Not when booze and drugs are mixed in. I speak from experience and I speak from living with a father that thought all was good if I did it at home AMM...anything...he didn't care as long as the police weren't involved.

Wanna know how many mixed sleepovers I had from 15 to 18 when he was out of town?
Lets see he was gone 3 weekends a month X 36...probably 70 or so...how many do you think I got drunk and laid at? Probably 70 or so..

One old trick I do believe your daughter is pulling on you though...
THe "not interested in dating" garbage...see when you want to deflect any suspicion you do the opposite...like I used to complain about cigarette smoke so the never suspected I did it, used to complain when my parents had a party (prior to divorce) because the house stunk like booze afterwards..while I was sneaking drinks all night..never suspected...tell my pparents about these "idiots" and "retards" at school that smoked pot and did other drugs...they never suspected

17 year old girl that is pretty and smart but just not interested in "that sort of thing"
Hmmmmmm...Mom never suspected

Sorry, Lost, can't buy that one. I know D too well -- Orchid can pipe in, and Redhat. They know D, too. My D comes to the MB get-togethers we've had.

And I think what D and SS are saying is pretty much true. The "dry" kids (mine included) tried to hold a Halloween party last year, and the "drunk/stoned" kids crashed it. I raised Cain. They complain that that always happens -- the drunk/stoned kids screw it up for the straight ones.

And, with Kids B and C being among the drunk ones at this party, that means that my D may be the only "clean" one in the immediate community.

She has friends outside our neighborhood, however, and I imagine she'll be drawing closer to them. She really prefers reading her Japanese comic books and playing with the multitude of animals we have. She'll probably spend more time in the nearby city, where her high school is.

It's a small community here. We pretty much know which kids are doing what.


I agree with you on that one, from my own experience. That's why I said that, regardless of this party, it's an unsafe precedent.

Hi AM,

I hope you at least contact some of the other parents. I especially feel for that poor girl naked & sick. I have a very good friend who's son was at a party like this. His "friends" let him sleep after he puked all over himself. They called his mom when they couldn't wake him in the morning. He was in a coma for 3 months. He is now somewhat ok, but there is a bit of brain damage.
Have you gotten through to your D that she SHOULD have called you? Her telling you that she thought all was ok is a cop-out. Yeah, time to get new friends.

AAM,

You know, my DD was never interested in dating until she was about 18.

She was always the 'wise' one. I know she was honest with you and it is sooo hard not to turn this man in. Your daughter was good. I believe she told you the truth. You might suggest to her that she call you for help next time this happens. That would really work and you could turn this enabler in the next time it happens.

Also, you could do it (report to authorities) now. Not that the police will do anything at this time, but at least they are warned. And think twice beforE providing 'fine wine' for kids. That is SOOOO wrong aam. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Your DD is great, you ARE a good mom, and at least she told you. In the PERFECT life she would have called you and told you at the time this was going on. However, teenagers brains are NOT full adult brains, able to deal in the abstract, etc. Don't beat yourself up or let anyone else beat you up verbally for what happened, not your fault. You DD is pretty much okay in my eyes. They have sooo much pressure these days.

No overnights at this place anymore. That is a given and I am sure you know it.

Teenagers are what they are. This happens. I was a teenager in the 70's. YIKES. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> What went on is mild compared to a lot of stuff I saw. Congratulate your DD for being honest.

Then do what your heart tells you to do. Try not to seek revenge as a payback. LOL. I do feel this man was wrong.


I know that I had a bottle of wine at the house, for me, when DD was 17. One of her friends drank , was very ill, and of course I knew when I came home and found it empty. I let DD know in IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, that I would have been TOTALLY responsible and in jail, had anything happened to friend. DD was in much trouble for not being responsible for friend, house, my rules, etc. Said friend was not allowed over to my home for a long, long, time. And there was no wine in my house for a long long tim. I do understand.

You are a good mom. Kids are kids, they push the envelope. Do what is healthiest for you and kids.

You are WORTHY . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> DD and SS are very much okay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

AMM:

"The girl's mother is a good friend of mine as well. The girl's father was the "best man" at my WH?/STBX's fake wedding a year ago. (Kid B's parents are divorced.) He is a psychologist, smug, complacent, and arrogant. (For those who don't know my sitch, I live in a very small community -- it's impossible to avoid these overlaps, and unfair to Kid A.)"

I just thought of something... This very small community is in a very big state. And that big state is surrounded by 49 other big states.

Consider moving 2 another community in one of those 50 states?

-ol' 2long

Hello everyone. This is AM's daughter speaking. My mom printed out this thread for me to read, and I found what everyone had to say really interesting. Thank you everyone, for being honest and straight-forward, but I would like to get the record straight on a few issues. Firstly, I do not lie to my mom, and I do not 'pull the wool over her eyes' as people have previously said; I would have too much guilt to do that to her when she puts so much trust in me. I know many probably don't believe me, but this is the honest-to-god truth. Yes, I have gotten roaring drunk once in the past, but I think I learned my lesson there, and have no intention of ever repeating the mistake again. I also do not fool around with boys. Ever! I honestly have no intention of dating, I find boys my age to be very shallow, fickle, immature s.o.bs who seem only interested in getting laid. These kind of people disgust me rather than attract me. With that said, I would like to move on to the events of the party. When I was invited to this party (which was supposed to be a farewell gathering for the hostess) I was not aware there was going to be any heavy drinking. As far as the boys being there is concerned... although my mom has told me many times after the party that boy/girl sleepovers are NOT ok, I still don't see the problem. I assume I think this because every boy/girl sleepover I have been to (which has been maybe two or three) has been completely sex-free. The fact that nothing has ever happened at one of these sleepovers assures me that they are ok (although I'm sure that this may not be the case for other parties.) I expect everyone to think I'm wrong on this, but this is where I stand. As for the heavy drinking parties... I know this is wrong. I expect I might be criticized for saying this, but if no one had gotten severly wasted at the party and everything had remained civilized, I probably wouldn't have had a problem with the party at all. Yes, I know under-aged drinking is illegal, and I know people could go to jail for this, but when you don't see legal consequences for the actions of others, the law loses it's effect. I know this sounds blatanly insane for all the adults out there, but please don't verbally smack me fot it ^_^;;; I would also like to say that I don't think anyone who has posted really realizes how small this comunity really is. There are probably around 80 kids total here, 50 of which are younger than me. Plus, the town I live in is renowned for it's druggees, and I feel a lot of kids have fallen victim to it. For the record, I have never done drugs and I honestly don't intend to (no wool! I'm being honest ^_^) My step-brother and I say that most parties have drugs and alcohol because this is the place we live in. Pretty much all parties I go to are drug/alcohol free, but I have heard of many a party where the kind of stuff I experienced a few days ago steadily happens. There is one thing though that I wasn't very aware of until now, and that is the dangers of alcohol. I know drinking and driving is terrible. It's been hammered into me by teachers, parents and cheesy education videos alike since junior high, but I had no idea someone could go into a coma, stop breathing, or die due to excessive alcohol consumption. Ofcourse it makes perfect sense once explained to me, but I feel since I have never been exposed to, or heard of anyone dying from alcohol, I just assumed it never happened.

Another topic that has been brought up numerous times is why I didn't call my mom durring the party to get picked up? To tell you the truth, I dind't really think I had to. When you're in the middle of all the mess, and everyone's acting like it's normal, it doesn't occur to you to call the mom. I'm expecting flames for saying this, but from a kids point of view, it is very uncool to call your parents to pick you up; It's one of the many taboos teens have. Another one many adults are probably familiar with is ratting on your friends. Yes, it's unsafe. Yes, it's wrong, but you just don't do it. I told my mom all this thinking she would not tell the authorities, no matter how good of an idea it would be. I'm trying to think how my friend would feel if her father was grilled by the authorities or even went to jail. She's not a horrible person, although she has been portrayed to be in this thread. She has been my friend since childhood. She's a smart, kind, interesting person, although at times she does have a habit of being arrogant and acting a bit aloof (obviously due to her idiot father.) I am still enraged she had the gall to backtalk my mom, let alone an adult, and I really don't know what to do regarding this. But returning to the subject of telling the authorities, I know it is the right thing to do, but I'm also terrified of what the outcome will be on me. It's a selfish way of thinking, but the truth is everyone cares what people think of them and I don't want to be the little girl who couldn't handle it and told their mommy. With all that said, I hope I've cleared up any misconseptions people might have had and... well... I really have nothing else to say. Ehh... goodnight.

Well, D wanted to post -- and I think given the moral-free atmosphere we seem to live in up here, it might be good for her to hear a sample of more representative opinions from across the U.S.

Miss M, D and I appreciated your post.

NYWife, the "sick naked girl..." A real problem situation. The parents (divorced) are both dysfunctional people, for different reasons. The home life is part of the problem. The father would go ballistic and possibly violent if he knew what had happened. Kid C, I thought, had a good chance of rising above her background. Now I wonder. Kid B's mom told me Kid C seems to be tucking into the alcohol frequently. That's news to me. It's sad. Kid B was saying to her mom just the other day that we should try to help Kid C more -- I pointed out to Mom that this is a helluva way of "helping."

2long -- Good to hear from you! And sorry about your own news -- I've been meaning to write. Yes, a move is probably in the offing anyway -- but not till D graduates next June. Long story.

Very tired. Good night.

aam, and your DD,

thanks for the thanks. You all are doing great, considering... and I totally understand where D is coming from, and let everyone blast me, but I had a few kids over, boys and girls who spent the night at times, and there definately was NO sex involved. I am very close to my daughter, whom, for the most part, respected my rules. She is wonderful, and she told me the truth. And yes, some of her male friends spent the night at my house. My home was a place that teenagers came to, and it was safe, a great hang for them, and they weren't out getting in trouble.

I am not saying that nothing ever happens, it does, and it is part of life, growing and learning. Not one of us is perfect, and we all fall short at times.

It isn't always about sex, you know, they are friends. Sometimes kids just want to hang out all night. LOL. I know I have one of those special kids, and co-ed isn't what it used to be. But I knew my D, and she told me the truth, about most everything.

Times have changed. It is not what it used to be. And that isn't always a bad thing.

And it might have helped that I worked a swing shift and my H is a musician, so we were up late at night, there was so much music, laughter, cooking and loud talk that it was obvious that all were just hanging.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

As I said before, A.M., this young lady should be grounded and not trusted. She very well knew that participating in this drunken "slumberparty" was wrong and willfully broke your rules.[and if she didn't know, she should have NO freedom at all] Apparently, she "still doesn't see this as a problem." She feels she is in a position to set her own rules as long as she "doesn't see a problem." And apparently, she doesn't realize who the adult is here.

AM ~ I'm sorry. I am completely with Melodylane here. Your daughter is not the person you described.


Why didn't you tell her THEN about booze??? This is clearly NOT her first experience with it.


AM, you are the parent. She doesn't get to decide when she has learned the lesson. You are the adult.


Girls under the influence of booze wear what boys call "beer goggles". Boys suddenly become less disgusting. Or heck, girl is too drunk to protect herself and doesn't get a choice in the sex.

She knew exactly what you thought about boy sleepovers. And decided her judgement was better than yours.

It's right here in print.


Not only did she know, but this isnt her first mixed gender sleep over. Where were you AM?


She's special. It won't happen to her. She's smarter and better.


As a minor child, it doesn't matter where she stands. Its where her MOTHER stands.


She knows its wrong. AM, where are the consequences????


Yes, we know, that unless your daughter "judges" there is a problem, she is entitled to stay.

And she's demonstrating for us just how great her judgement is.


So since you have never seen consequences, its ok to break the law?????

AM GIVE THIS GIRL CONSEQUENCES. SHE JUST TOLD YOU SHE NEEDS THEM.

AM, I'm not going to dissect the rest of her teenage babble. You have a serious problem on your hands. This young lady knew that she was in a bad situation and chose not to call you. She knew it was wrong. She said so.

She also thinks what her peers think about her is more important than doing the right thing.

I hear in your daughter alot of attidudes about the importance of protecting other people and their reputations.

And you are letting her get away with it.

Basically...what Melody said...

The rest is teenage justification babble...heard it before and done most of it.

College is going to be a scary freakin' experience...for you AMM...

If you don't "feel" like their are consequences there aren't any? I'd be crapping myself if my kids said that to me.

AM:

Have you considered that your D maybe changing..

My sweet, responsible, "do the right thing" son became a "normal" 18 year old. He tries to "play" us and "manipulate" us into bending our rules. One of his games is: "Everybody else's parents let them do it"....

In one instance, I actually checked with other parents..not in his crowd....they agreed with us...

Have you considered that your D is hanging out with the wrong group? Seems like it was scary for her to play "Nurse". She must have realized how out of control this situation was.

I agree with the others on this one. I have 18 and 22 year old sons. Such parties are not the norm in my community...

Dear AMM,

Just last month in our community a mother was sentenced to prison for 2 years for providing alcohol for a beer party her underage son had at her house. Two teens from the party were in a wreck after leaving the party. One of them was killed in the wreck.

Lesson - two shattered families both of which could have been avoided had some responsible person spoken up before or during. After that child was dead it was too late.