Just remember the saying about "playing with fire." It sounds like at the very least she is guilty of that. When she participated in the event (night) that is exactly what she did. Had the party been "raided" she would have faced the same criminal charges (punishment) as the drunkest one there. Believe me I know. At 20, there was a car of boys stopped and one of the boys had a bottle under the seat that the other boys did not know about. They could not prove consumption, but they got them ALL for underage possession. They all were issued citations and got to work at the dump for 40 hours. One of the boys was a teatotaller according to the boys and many other kids that thought it was terrible that he got charged.

I really don't know that I understand the "small community" excuse. Believe me I live in a very small community (the whole county has a middle/high school of about 300 or so (usually 50 or so in the graduating class). I always found that to be a plus, as there wasn't much the kids did that did not get back to parents. Not only do I live in a small community but it happens to be home of a MAJOR whiskey manufacturer which one might tend to believe would make the community more tolerant and alcohol more available. But believe me it is not.



First, have you ever stopped to consider why your town is "renowned for it's druggees" -- it's called tolerance. The town tolerates it therefore it condones it.

On the the final thought. First of all my boys are a little older now, but they NEVER spent the night with anyone unless me or my husband talked to the host mother and verified and confirmed the stay and plans. Did they try??? YES! but only the oldest had to try the "it is so embarrassing, whining routine about the rule." Turns out this particular time the parents were out of town so our "rule" busted their party. With that one try, they both learned it was a rule we were not bending. This was not a rule til they were 18, it applied til they were 20 or 21.

In raising teenagers, that one rule was probably the best we had in place and it started quite innocently as youngsters. Believe me, I nor them were/are perfect but so far so good - nothing major but typical boys.

Good luck,

MA

Just for the record, I would have been be grounded for the rest of the summer if my parents found out I stayed at a party that evolved into that. No excuses for staying or not calling them with the situation would have been accepted.


Wait, I was grounded that summer.


PS: When I was a junior in HS one of the seniors did indeed die of alcohol poisoning/OD at a party just like that. I remember going to the house when the party was just starting and deciding not to stay. I learned my lesson the previous summer (see above.) My dad was city attorney at the time and he prosecuted the parents under a number of broken laws. And so did the state.

This is what I would do. I would make an anonymous call to division of family and children, or child protective services...whatever they call it in your area and ask advice about how to handle the situation. They will let you know how serious an offense it sounds to them. They may be able to give you advice about how to handle this...what steps to take...

Yep, may make an enemy of your D or her friend...so what! She also may stay alive or not be invited to a party that gets busted...

Have your D, her friend, their parents read "Speak". About a party that goes bad...

A.M.,

Your daughter is 17. How could she NOT know what happened is wrong? She must be aware that it is against the law for minors to be drinking? She must have been aware that it would NOT have been ok for this to have happened at her own home.

I am wagering that had the one child died (god forbid) while she was calling out your child's name...and you child did NOTHING to get medical help....the police are NOT going to buy the "she didn't know it was wrong to be in that enviornment". She would have found herself brought up on charges...that I can almost guarantee.

It makes you wonder though...why didn't she seek help for this friend...unless she KNEW that they would get in trouble...thereby erasing the notion of "not knowing that it was wrong".

I just read through the responses and I see that your daughter responded...

It seems that she has been to a couple of these sleepovers...even KNOWING that you have told her that it is wrong. So that argument is null and void..that she didn't know it was wrong. Also, it seems that she knows that the "heavy drinking" parties are wrong too.

So..it appears that she stayed where she KNEW it was wrong...sounds like a little more than poor judgment to me.

JMHO

committed (who has had teenagers)

Oh my gosh. Where do all of these people live? Here in California, teen parties often have alcohol, usually also drugs, and sometimes the gang-bangers show up and shoot a few of the party-goers.

So what is a mother to do? I raised 6 kids, and step kids. My kids and step kids all know that I am a little bit on the crazy side. I WILL show up at the houses of their friends and give my input. I WILL let them and their friends know that I have certain standards.

Also, most of the parties and gatherings were at my home. It costs a bit of money, but I always felt safer. In fact, my step kids and kids are grown now, and most of the parties are still at their home (which happens to be across the street from me).

I can tell you that the police aren't going to be there when something happens, so don't look for protection there. The only protection for your daughter is for you to sit and talk with her about what is and isn't acceptable in your family. You can cover everything - don't drink pinesol, kids DO die from alcohol poisoning, drunk driving, drug overdoses. When boys and girls get together, at a party where alcohol is served and parents are gone, they DO have sex, maybe not all of the time, but it only takes one time.

Then I would walk on over and speak to the parents where the party was held. I would let them know what went on, and that this kind of behavior is NOT acceptable to you.

And keep that dialog going with your daughter. It sounds like she is a good girl, and you have been doing a good job.

Well, actually, this has been very useful, and help cut through my daughter's teenage fog. It's been a wake-up call for her -- and me.

Kid B sent D an email last night saying it was too bad I got upset about "a nice party" just because it was unchaperoned. And how grateful she is that she (Kid B) has "un-hysterical parents." I told D that there's some weird disconnect when a kid thinks a party where half their guests are erping is a "nice party." Kid B made no reference to the alcohol consumption or anything. Kid B doesn't want to see that it wasn't a sophisticated, grown-up party in which she was hostess; but a barbaric erp festival she lost control of. It's hard to cut through the bulls**t, it runs so deep.

So this is the environment I'm fighting right now. D and I are talking, and I think that's the first stage. This has very much weighted the discussion -- D can finally see that it's not "just me." I know, Melody, that I am "the authority," but it helps if the kids actually have a wider and deeper understanding -- when the kids themselves see the rules are not arbitrary, but have some common sense to them.

D is very laid back, low key as a general personality trait -- the opposite of high-wired me. She does tend not to tell me things if she thinks they will bother me -- but has never been in trouble, in school or anywhere else. She's greatly loved by the community -- in fact, some of the parents turn to her for advice. The other girl/boy sleepovers took place in elementary school. The drunken episode she mentioned came out as a result of this current discussion -- it was a late night "sneaking" thing with friends, she said, that's why no adults knew about it, at an (all-girl) sleepover. I know some of the other culprits, and D doesn't hang out with them. It was a very big turn-off for her. (Frankly, I was rather surprised that she HADN'T had some experience like that so far.)

Yes, in response to one of you, I think things have changed. To give you an idea of the smallness and closeness of this community, there were only four kids in my daughter's junior high class -- Kids A, B, C, and a fourth, who has since gotten into more "off" behavior. They have been together for over a dozen years, and have grown up together. Kids B and C have been the academic overachievers, despite C's health problems and frequent school absences. Kid B, the hostess, is likely to go to a major East Coast college; Kid C's future is, I think, more uncertain given recent events, but she has close to a 4.0 GPA. Both of them were pretty "clean" before the last few months. These were the four roses, beautiful girls, beautiful on the inside, of our community. That seems to be changing. It's the arrogance of Kid B that has been the biggest shock -- the arrogance and the bull***t. The complete fog that keeps her from seeing she was out of control.

And please keep in mind that the only reason I know about any of this is my D told me. She came home from the party and said it was fine except for the erping, and that she was the only sober one. Otherwise, she said, it was a nice party.

Big-time disconnect. But this thread has opened up possibilities for my daughter to see consequences that she didn't know about -- from other than her Mom, who so far is the only one reacting.

A grand total of 3,000 people lived in the town where I grew up. There were 30 in my graduating class.

And alcohol was the only drug of choice. Parties, keggers, binges, you name it. This was the standard social outing for teens.

But my parents didn't care at all about that. I was not even allowed to go to a final graduation party at my best friend’s house where his parents provided a keg. And his parents stayed there too!

I still resent that one. Sort of. Now that I am a parent, DS13 isn't going to one either if I have any say in the matter.

Oh, also for the record, my mom and three brothers are alcoholics. Each of my brothers swore over and over they would never drink like mom. And yet they started their drinking in HS - at parties like this.

Well, in your daughter's mind, it was a nice party. You might want to ask her what was nice about it. I would be very interested in hearing about the nice parts.

I have a DD30 and a DS17.

When DD was a teenager, I had never heard of boy/girl sleepovers. But it comes up all the time now that I have DS17. Sadly, it IS quite accepted in many places and if you are the parent of a teenager you need to be aware of this.

I have had, and still have, many conversations with my son about this. I get the usual teenage babble about how "if we're not doin' nothin' what's wrong with it?" and have been very straight with him: If you're not doin' nothin', then DON'T put yourself into a situation where you know very well you'll WANT to do somethin'. The consequences are just not worth it. And it's not *just* the STDs and the unwanted pregnancies; it's the messed-up intimacy and attachment and entanglements that follow, the way that girls in particular tend get VERY attached to a boy they've had sex with. I think this scared him more than any talk about AIDS!

I also talked about how the parents of these girls should be teaching them to have respect for themselves and teach them that they don't have to get drunk and/or have sex in order to get male attention. I told him that his big sister certainly did not do this. (They are close and she is now happily married with her own DD1.5 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

He does listen and will often seek me out for a respectful debate on the topic, and I am aware of what a gift that is. I think teenagers WILL listen to their parents if you are absolutely honest and up front with them and don't pussyfoot around.

Also: Both he and DD were taught from the start that when they had an opposite-sex guest in their rooms, the door was to remain open. It could be closed over, but never shut all the way and NEVER locked. There was always some eye-rolling at first, but both of them respected this. Sadly, it's been the girls now who think this is weird.

Too many parents are trying to be their kids's cool friends instead of being their parents. That's why we've now got boy/girl sleepovers with alcohol supplied. But not at my house.
Mulan