You gotta chill

I could re-read the play, but I think the DVD would be more fun.

It has never been released on DVD (boo... hiss)

it is ~only~ available on VCR ....

I have no idea how the screenplay differs from the stage play.

Your H may want to watch this with you, since he's done the play.

NO.

Yes, chill.

My husband watched Enchanted April with me (with much teasing from our grown son <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)

You will enjoy the movie. Get it and chill!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It is hard to find, even in VHS.

I finally found in in the movie rental store inside our Super WalMart.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ok...coming out of lurkdom to say what an awesome movie!! back to regularly scheduled programming. Argh..this place is hard to stay away from! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> **edited**to add that I saw it in the classic movie section of blockbuster.

Bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

some 'lurker' YOU turned out to be !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

faithful follower, why are you avoiding MB?

end of threadjack, sorry.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Loy

I will be

"out of pocket"

for a few days....

You are doing great.

My MC, with a brief update on the calling card, has told me to start thinking about plan B. She did not call it that, but basically that's what it is. I will try to have a meeting with WH and MC Tuesday. MC will try to reach him regarding the impact of calling card like behavior. I'm not summarizing this very well cause I am tired.

I think I did plretty good plan A stuff last night. I did ask that kick butt question regarding can you help me? and WH said no, I can't help you with that. This was after he talked about how important getting hair implants for his acting career. We talked about how expensive they are and I said that we should brainstorm ways to save u for that without taking away from the family. (This is making me a little upset today because I feel that his needs are as important as my needs, but feel that he does not think the same way).

We did have a relaxing nice time.

It's WH's 30th birthday Sunday. So more nice Plan A.

I think the earliest I could do Plan B would be late next week, when he goes out of town. But I really want to talk this over with my counselor after our Tuesday meeting. I am going to be very deliberate about this and make sure all of my ducks are in a row if I decide to go ahead.

If this is the only way to protect my marraige, then tough love it must be.

Looking for some solid Plan B advice on the following:

1. How do you coordinate with small children? 14 months and 3 years in October.

2. What are the best qualities for your contact person to have? Should they not be family? Should they be a friend? Should they live close by?

3. What are things I should do to make a big impact? Ideas may include: changing door locks (not sure with little kids if this is best), sending his stuff to his mom's, getting a new bank account for my money. Others?

4. Do I need to talk to a lawyer? I don't know so I am asking. Young children are involved...

I am able to do a nice Plan A, but I find it more difficult to concerntrate and am obsessing too much. Thinking about the calling card the the book and CD. I asked him where he found the affair relics last week when we talked about it. He didn't confess he just said around. I know, a big duh on my part, but I am 75% sure that this was a offering on her part to reconnect as friends. They probably met in person. He doesn't want to throw her stuff away as that is disrespectful. Well, everything about an affair is disrespectful. He does give me positive gestures, but until he is open to having an open and honest relationship with me, sharing himself honestly with me rather than an image, we will remain in this uncomfortable place.

I read somewhere about why a BS does plan B: Remember, you are not only being compassionate and protective of yourself and your daughters but of your WS as well. Every broken promise, every betrayal, every moment of living as less than who is intended to be hurts him at the very deepest of levels. Not allowing him to chance to do those things is one of the most caring acts you can choose.

I'm not familiar with your whole story. When was your d-day? Has it been quite awhile or is this a new discovery?

Loy,

My children were 2yrs. And 6yrs. when I began my plan B. In the last year since I’ve been doing it, I could condense the amount of conversation I’ve had with my STBXWW into less than 3 min. I had a separation agreement in place prior, however, that specified financial obligations and parenting times.

I suggest a lawyer be contacted to inform yourself of the laws in your state as to residence access and child support as opposed to initiating a divorce. You must have finances secured, especially if he was to hold this over your head to get contact. If suddenly he’s not paying his portion, you must know what, if any, stick you can hit him with and be prepared to do it. The lawyer may even go so far, if asked, to provide your WH with a concise list of his financial obligations should this go to divorce. It may be a nice bucket of cold water in the face.

He cannot have free access to the home. Change the locks if need be, but likely he has the authority to force his way into his own residence. The locks may be enough deterrent though. Again, a lawyer in your jurisdiction can inform you further.

It is best he has the children away from the residence during his time. Remember, he should get a nice big dollop of the ecstasy that being a single dad provides away from his familiar amenities and support. Have him pick them up from a neighbor, or have a sitter with the kids when he picks them up or drops them off. If you have a supportive relative that understands the concept and can be civil, use them if they are willing. The same goes for communication. I had a co-worker and a good friend that understood the concept and would receive the emails, edit them and pass on the information. He was great.

Don’t let the cake eater contribute to the family by mowing the lawn etc. That just allows him to feel needed and ease his guilt. Arrange for the yard to be looked after by a neighborhood kid if you can’t do it yourself. Ditto for vehicle maintenance etc.

Also, and this may be controversial around here, but I don’t recommend spending too much time on this board in plan B. It does help to ease the initial shock, but one can become obsessed with how their spouse is acting and begin to overanalyze. Remember, one of the possible outcomes of Plan B is divorce. Prepare for it. I.e. look long term at finances, reacquaint yourself with old friends, etc. Put what he’s doing out of your head as much as possible. (I know, easier said than done) Don’t ask friends about him and let them know they are not to tell him what you are up to. Dark, dark, dark. There is no “modified plan B” You’re either in it or you’re not.

Having said the above, plan b is only possible after a good plan A. That means all exposure and any other “destructive” processes towards the affair have been accomplished.

Best of luck

Edited to add:

Also I think it's important to have a timeframe in mind for plan B. If you simply wait to "see how you feel", you likely won't last very long. In plan B a BS begins to gain confidence in themselves and perspective regarding a WS. It does not take long to begin to imagine life without a reconcialiation and see that it is not the end of the world. In fact, one frequently begins to see themselves as better off without the BS.

In SAA the subject had an 18 month window of opportunity open whereupon he would consider a reconcialiation. I had a 12 month time frame. I accepted, however, that love is a choice and could gain those feelings back, even though I may have not wanted to prior to my timeframe expiring.

I had a tough Friday. Thinking about Plan B has been very uncomfortable for me. Also, the little ladies woke me up at 5:45 a.m. which was not a good foundation for the day. I spent at least 1 hour sobbing on Friday. Then I decided to have fun. That evening I went out with my girlfriends and we saw a movie and had a drink. I had a great time. Note to self: I NEED THIS TYPE OF ACTIVITY. It put me in a better mood for the rest of the weekend and I was so productive. I am not very productive in a bad mood. I relaxed. Being with my girlfriends has allowed me to dust off and warm up my sillyness, which has been woefully abscent for a while. I should be an intelligent, silly, playful person. But instead I have been depressed and not very balanced at all.

I picked up the girls at parents and met up with WH, who drove home after Friday’s performance (1 & ½ hours) and got home at 11:30 p.m. We shared some nice plan A moments. He made breakfast for us Saturday. WH had hoped to get together with his mom, brother, and sister for his birthday. The day got all crazy and lots of miscommunication happened cause his parents are divorced and his dad had his brother and sister over to celebrate FIL’s OC birthday. WH’s sibilings are 23, 21, and OC just turned 20. The drag that is a separated family was very obvious.

WH left Saturday at 4:30 to drive back down to Town X for his show. I spent the evening with SIL. We put the girls down and watched a movie together, Kung Foo Hustle. After we were talking about life and she broke down crying about how much she feels like a faliure and that she will never amount to anything (she’s 23 and very focused on expectations). She left at 1 a.m. It was a good conversation and I had a nice time with her. WH was glad I talked to her and got her to open up because he is very concerned about her right now.

WH spend the night Saturday at 8 p.m. and he had a show Sunday at 4 p.m. He got back Sunday evening at 8 p.m .

Sunday I did 4 loads of laundry, reorganized my dresser, got rid of two bags of clothing, and cleaned up our bedroom, the girls room, the bathroom, and the kitchen. Cleaning wasn’t too bad because each room was just a little messy. Then the girls and I went over to my parents house where we hung out with my sister, 22. The four of us made cookies, baked a birthday cake, and I prepared my present for WH. A surprise picknic dinner.

When WH came home we sang him happy birthday, eldest daughter was so excited about her cake she made her daddy, she wanted it to be blue because she likes blue, and she stuck in the candles herself while the littlest just clapped and clapped. It was very cute.

The sitter came and I took WH to my parent’s house boat on the Mississippi. I had candels, fake flowers, warm towels to wash our hands before we ate (a silly touch), lasagna, vegies, wine, and chocolate. I had a great time. WH enjoyed himself too I think. He laughed some and we talked the entire time. WH opened up about how he is in a funk because where he is is not where he expected to be, he doesn’t like himself and where he is in life. He is not able to relax, ever.

So, clearly, as long as I am in plan A, I will plan A.

Oh, and WH aggreed to counseling Tuesday at 4 p.m.

The gap seems to be closing between us, but I still feel a draft.

OK, Just found the calling card number and the code in the back of Wh's pants from this weekend. He has 39 minutes left.

I want to begin Plan B right now but all of my Plan B letter notes are at work. I talked it over briefly with MC tonight and she said there was no point in meeting tomorrow. If WH is going to continue to hide and lie.

Visitation: every other weekend and two nights a week sound ok. We can start day care next week and that can be the way we exchange our children.

Not sure who to get for finances. Not sure where to forward his bills. Yuck.

I do feel skittish right now.

Dear WH. I love you and marreid you for life. I know that I have made mistakes in our marraige and regret having ever hurt you. I hope that one day I will have the chance become the wife you need.

The disrespect of your affair with Sara and on-going communication is too painful for me. As long as you continue contact with her and persue a relationship with her, I do not want to have any kind of communication with you.

I love you and want our marriage to thrive for us and for our family.

Loy

What a dorky first draft.

Loy, I again will assume that you've done all those plan A things that are far more important than the nicey nicey show you what a great wife you'll be missing stuff ie. exposure, confrontation, boundaries. That stuff is a must prior to plan B.

Now for your plan B letter. Here are the MB sample letters. Rarley, as in yours, does one make them too short. Usually they need a whole lot of deletions to produce a concise document capable of penetrating the new reality of the WS.

Given that, let's assume this will be the last communication you will have with him until either

• He agrees to NC and commits to the marriage under your conditions
  
  or
• You divorce

So he will need the info as to how you two will communicate regarding finances, children etc. He must know who to get the mesages to and under what condition you will speak to him. ie. agrees to NC or an emergency with the children. Also he needs to know when he can see the children etc. Have the details for him so he doesnt have an excuse to keep bugging you for them or tell him where he can get that info. Once you have a letter you're comfortable with, post it again so the gang here can have a go at it.

Best of luck.

Personally, I am very confused. Please comment.

Last night WH was two hours late, he had scheduled a second meeting with a director and forgot to tell me about it. I knew he hoped he could meet with two directors last night, but he forgot to tell me he got a second appointment scheduled. A good friend and business associate was with him the entire time. WH told me to call him if I wanted to. This is a friend who knows of the affair and would help me do detective work if needed.

WH said the calling card (not the actual card but the number and code) was from when we were separated and it was in his wallet. When he found her book and cd in his theater he remembered the calling card and pulled it out to call her (this was two weeks ago) but he hung up before talking with her.

I guess he must’ve not put the scrap of paper back in his wallet but in his pant pocket instead.

He told me to throw away the calling card number. He told me to take it to work and throw it away there. He said he knows I have every reason to not trust him, but it’s still difficult when he knows he has done nothing wrong now. He told me that he thinks I’m a really neat person but maybe I’d be better without him. He makes me miserable. Sometimes I make him miserable. I asked him, what do you want to do about it? Long pause and no answer.

I asked him if he was miserable right then and he said yes, and that he was in such a good mood when he got here. I said, “Go team Loy.” He raised his hand and we high fived and sort of chuckled. Then he said, I got so busy I thought I had called you to give you an update. And he had tried to call me at my parents’ house between the meetings, he showed me his cell out-going call list.

So, best case scenario, WH uses half truths to hide himself or make things seem less serious and is in some stage of withdrawal. (I make the assumption about withdrawal based on our limited SF and flirting, and WH's avoidance of a recovery plan).

Worst case scenario, WH is still dabbling in the dark arts and doesn’t want me to know.

I do not know what he is willing to do to recover. It is still feels as if it is him handling the affair vs. us handling the affair. I wanted him to get a job and he has gotten two. I have access to his cell records but I did that behind his back.

Binder, you mentioned exposure before Plan B, here are the people who know and do not:

The following people do not know about the affair:
1. his mom (suspects something, knows we were separated but asks her son no questions)
2. my dad (suspects affair but doesn’t want to know details; says if I forgive WH he can)
3. our grandparents (5 of mine, 1 of his)
4. our siblings ages 23, 22, 21, 20
5. his step mom (who is dying)
6. two of his best friends from high school

These people do know:
1. my mom
2. his dad
3. my two best friends from college
4. 4 co-workers of mine
5. his 3 theater company members and their SOs, two of the guys are best friends from college, one is good friend from after
6. one best friend from high school
7. my book club (3 women)
8. OW (duh) & some of her friends. It is a good sign that she has started to open up about it I think.
9. An old theater company member & her H

Someone write this to another BW about her WH and their marraige recovery: So he’s not gonna actively do what is needed to repair it? Just “see where it goes”?

In withdrawal, do WSs actively do what is needed to repair the marraige?