Loy,
I read some of your past posts and now understand that this has been going on quite some time. I guess you have some serious questions that only you can answer. If you think the affair may be over, are you OK keeping your marriage at status quo? If not, how long will you give it to improve to a standard you find acceptable? You have to be comfortable with your own answers before you decide how to proceed.
Once you decide what you will and won’t live with, you can decide calmly what you will or will not do. If plan B is an option as you state it is, address the practicalities and logistics of it. Plan extensively using a trusted confidant if that helps. Address the finances, timetable, legalities and communication issues. Have contingencies and back-ups available given different reactions from him during such a scenario. Think of it like a baseball game. A player always knows beforehand how he will respond to any hit that may come his way or any move made by a base runner. Those plans are made before the play so he doesn’t’ have to make a critical decision in the midst of a dynamic, fast moving situation. The same goes for a separation such as a Plan B. Have all your ducks in a row placed there in a rational manner during a time where you’re not running on emotion and the stress that Plan B places one under. If WH does X, you know what your Y response will be already.
Also, don’t enter plan B as a knee jerk reaction to whatever your WH might do in any given day. Do it deliberately after you have prepared your life to accommodate it. Prepare as if it will go on indefinitely as it may.
You asked about withdrawal and your WH. I’ve never had the opportunity to observe a WS in withdrawal, but it appears to me that a FWS in withdrawal is usually enduring some emotional pain. They are willing to endure such pain because they have made a cognitive decision to return to the marriage completely. They feel that they make such a sacrifice (excuse me I threw up in my mouth a little) for the betterment of their life, children, spouse and soul. The actions to repair the marriage follow as it is their worthwhile task and they are willing to do what it takes. (including giving up their soul mate…..I’m now leaving to get the mouthwash)
Your husband does not seem to be suffering about anything. He also appears to skip obliviously over boundaries that you state are important to you to recover your trust. 2 hours late and forgot to tell you! How well do you trust his friend and his willingness to “help” you? It sounds like he is more your husbands friend, so keep your wits about you. I’ll relay a joke that came to me over my Email recently:
Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband
she slept over at a friends' house. The man calls his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knows anything about it.
Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he
slept over at a friends' house.
The woman calls her husbands' 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did
sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.
There is a nugget of truth in there.
He also appears to be trying to goad you into “giving up” and convince you that you would be better off without him. Classic. You leave him, he claims innocence and tells everyone how it didn’t work out despite his best efforts and a few months later, out surfaces OW from the fetid pool in which she resides. What could he do? You left him and he was lonely after all.
I know how it feels to need conclusive proof rather than what appears to be a pretty strong circumstantial case of your husband’s ongoing infidelity. I went through that too. I found a Visa receipt in my STBXWW’s car signed by the OM for a hotel room in a bedroom community outside our city. My WW came up with an outrageous, but possible, excuse for it. I had to know conclusively and it wasn’t until I came into possession of photographic evidence (don’t ask how) of her walking out of the hotel with him and a night bag at 7:00 am that I accepted the obvious. My point? If you need that kind of proof get it! Hire a PI, put a spy program on his computer, and get a recording of his phone calls…whatever you need.
Then, if ongoing expose to all those other folks (maybe not the dying step-mom) without giving him the heads-up. You’ll also need those folks for support during the plan B and its best they are aware of the circumstances. Is there anymore that can be done at her end? I assume she’s not married. BTW you might want to tell his mom if she is still married to his dad. Not fair if the one has to keep that secret from the other.
I hope others pop in here with their perspectives as well. I also realize you have a MC you are seeing and it’s always best to realize who has the credentials and experience to guide you on this journey. Good luck, and blessings to you and your precious children.
