My understanding is that the military frowns on adultery. Since I have proof of h's adultery and since we are still very married with no agreement signed and he has moved out and he is with her, not living with her but have sf with her, it is pretty cut and dried. Should I expose to his superiors? He is weekend warrior, not full time military. but he is going over to iraq in january. he is air national guard. he is listed in ow's divorce as the reason for that divorce, numerous sexual accounters. I think h should realize there are consequences to his actions. I heard it was called "conduct unbecoming a soldier". who can advise me here??? mlhb

yep expose his butt to his commanding officer or first sgt as soon as you can. military really frowns on this kinda stuff. is she also military?

adultery in the any branch of the military is a BIG NO NO.
dont waste time like myself and expose the A ASAP!

no she is not military. But i am scared to do this. I am hoping we can restore our marriage at some point. won't doing something like this kill my chances? he is going to think I am doing it to be spiteful. i just don't know what to do. I have a call in to my pastor as well who is also retired military. mlhb

I am a former Army IG. I have investigated more of these things than I would like to even admit.

I can tell you, Guardsman or Active duty, we frown on adultery.

A couple of questions. Is the OW in the military? Since he is a Guardsman, what state is his unit in?

With this information, I can tell you how to proceed.

In His arms.

Adultery is rampant in the military and not such a big no no. If you expose to his CO then he will probably get reprimanded. If you push it and it becomes a full blown investigation for some reason then he may be forced out. You just have to be prepared for his reaction to that.

My WH is active duty army. The first time this happened, his CO (commanding officer) knew about it and didn't do anything about it. Maybe it was because we were trying to work it out. My WH was a drill sergeant and we knew of one that got another one pregnant (they were both married to OP), nothing happened to either one of them. Now, one ds did get in trouble only because it was a private that he messed with and she was actually 17 and he only lost rank. Other than that, I haven't heard of anyone I know that has been through this getting into serious trouble. My WH has been in for 12 years. I know what everyone says about expose, expose, expose. I am just telling you my experience. I didn't say anything this time to anyone in his chain of command because he is actually in school learning a language and I feel like everyone else knows what he's done and so he feels ashamed and has to deal with our families and friends knowing. I felt like maybe he needs one place to feel safe although a few of the guys he's in class with knows. Just my opinion. I'm sorry you are going through this, we all know how rough it is.

I'm in the military but my wife was the wrong person. There is exposure and then there is EXPOSURE!! There is a good ole boy network you have to work your way through. You need to be familiar with your spouse's chain of Command. Some look the other way and others don't. I would first go to the 1ST Sgt and then Commander letting him know that if nothing happens you will keep going up the chain. This forces them to back brief the higher ups so they don't get blindsided thus increasing the exposure on your spouse. Eventually they will come down hard on your spouse because no one like to have to have these conversations with higher ups. Also contact the base/unit chaplain and Family services. The most important thing to do is not stop exposing.

Like I said, the inspector general (IG) is above the good ole boy network. Once it got to us, we had no choice but to pursue an investigation and submit findings to the commanding general.

So, get me your info and I can tell you how to proceed.

In His arms.

I spoke with our pastor who is retired air force which is what my H is in. He said it could be a slap on the wrist to felony charges! I don't know if I am prepared to do that to him. I could probably kiss reconciliation good bye. But I will give you the info mortarman anyway, just to see what you have to say.... he is in the air national guard, a fireman, on the base in Burlington, Vermont. We live in NY but that is the closest base for him to be at so he joined vermont. He will be going to Iraq as a fireman. mlhb

My H is in the navy (18 years) and his A actually took place during our courtship up until the week of our wedding. I found out 2 months into M. He only got caught b/c he started contact back up with OW on cell phone...they both adamently deny EA or PA after M, I've had my doubts however getting to the point.

By that time I was preg and even if A continued into our M I wasn't willing to jepordize my H financial stability, b/c in the end it would have not only hurt him but myself.

Yeah I'm definitely for exposure, I told OW Husband (who was navy also) and certain people in our family knew, which was very embarrasing for my H...but I felt like that was enough and him losing me would have been exposure and punishment enough without getting into his pockets also, which would have hurt me and my child also.

Just another perspective to think about.

Ok, I'm going to be the dissenting opinion here in that I chose not to expose my WH; we are together so that may be why I chose not to. He's AF, had 6 mo affair W/ subordinate co-worker. I chose not to expose (even though am good friends with their cmdr's wife; I did want to ruin her but couldn't without H suffering too. If I did expose and we worked things out and were together we could lose pay, retirement, benefits (we have two kids and health care is big issue),etc, based on the consequences of the Article 15 (conduct unbecoming an officer). He has been in over 20 yrs and will pin on higher rank at end of the month--and I worked too hard not to get a share of that retirment via alimony if we don't work things out!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm not sure if your H would suffer the same consequences. I guess you need to be the judge--are you working on being together or is it over? Some cmdrs order the WS into counseling. It could ruin his career--a lot depends on the cmdr and higher-ups and how they view it, unfortuantely (I have heard). Ultimately you need to make the best decision you can-and live with the consequences. Good luck--my thoughts are with you, it's tough............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My H is not full time military so it wouldn't really be a loss of income. Except when he goes to iraq does he get paid full time military pay. Otherwise it is one weekend a month. so if I choose to expose and he gets into trouble it really is no loss to me...... I just have to realize if I do expose there will definitely be no forgiveness for me on his part. It will be done done done. Which it may be anyway. I will wait to here from mortarman here.... I have no idea who his commanding officers are?? How would I find out who I am even to expose this to? And how do you do it if I decide to do it? mlhb

BUMP! Looking for more advice on this topic..... Thanks!

Bumped, awaiting reply from mortarman. Thanks, mlhb

I thought I posted the info...must not have gone thru...hold on a sec...

Thanks mortarman I look forward to your input. mlhb

Okay, here is who you call.

Contact the National Guard Bureau Inspector General(IG). The number is 703-607-2539. You will then issue to the IG an IGAR (Inspector General Action Request). That IGAR will be forwarded to the Vermont National Guard IG to investigate. The results will be sent to the Vermont National Guard Adjutant General (Major General Martha Rainville), to NGB-IG and to you. On the results to you, it depends on what is being investigated on what "results" you get back. But it doesnt really matter. Because you will know the results after your husband is called in on the carpet.

MG Rainville will then take the results of the IG investigation and they will be forwarded to her JAG (the lawyers). The lawyers will recommend what action to be taken. Then MG Rainville will contact your husband's commander, ordering what she wants to happen.

What could happen? Most likely, your husband will be ordered to discontinue any contact with OW until he is divorced. Should he break that order, then he is in violation of a direct order...and now we are talking jail time.

So, most likely, this is what will happen. but they could go further intially if they wanted to. MG Rainville could have your husband busted down in rank, could have a letter of admonition put in his file (if he is an officer, that is a career killer). She could go ahead and drum him out of the military.

A whole slew of options. How she does it will be up to her, what your husband is like as a airman, and the situation.

So, call NGB-IG and get it started. By using the IG, you know things will not be whitewashed (even MG Rainville wont be able to whitewash it because NGB will be looking over her shoulder). And MG Rainville most probably does not know your husband, so she wont have any personal interest in protecting him.

Let me know how it goes. And let me know if you need anything else.

In His arms.

Thanks mortarman. I will admit, this makes me a bit nervous. I don't want to do things out of spite or revenge ya know? He was absolutely furious with me for all of the exposure I did, especially with his family. I am sure I could get a copy of the ow's divorce papers from her stbxh where it states my h is the reason for the divorce. ow's stbxh also said he would be a witness or provide any information necessary i.e. cell phone bills, etc. My H moved out on July 12th before any separation agreement was in place as I had told my lawyer to put a hold on one due to what I hoped was going to be a reconcilliation. Ow's stbxh can also provide proof that contact with ow continued after they claimed affair was over. and now he is over there almost every night and her h is a police officer so he can attest to that being he has to patrol our small town at night. ( and I am sure other cops here could attest to it as well) he didn't move in with ow, he stays with family friends. But he goes there all the time at night I am told. And I have seen his car there too. What types of proof will the military need should I pursue this and how exactly do they investigate this? would they be contacting my lawyer for any information? Our sep agreement is still not done, hopefully by the end of next week it will be. But this A started last fall long before I had ever even spoken to a lawyer.

I am just afraid this whole thing will blow up in my face. I would hate to do this then have NOTHING come of it except my h knowing I had told on him to the military and have him hate me even more. Any chance NOTHING would be done to him if I do this? I cannot afford a blow up in my face. I can provide all kinds of documented proof and witness statements. Thanks for the help and sorry for all the questions. I think the military coming down on him and ordering him to stay away from ow might be enough of a wake call to him that hey, there are consequences to his actions. And would it be that he would have to stay away until divorce or legal separation? do they consider legal separation still married? mlhb

I am also pretty sure he cheated while at the air force base in texas he went to this year from january to april. ow claims he admitted to her he did and I have some unexplained hotel bills from there. I am sure it would be easy enough for the military to find out. How long does this investigative process take and how long before my H would know I have done this? He is supposed to leave for a week in september for combat training and then in january for Iraq. he is a fireman for the vermont air national guard. I am afraid because they would want his body to go to iraq they would just give him a slap on the wrist. what do you think? again, sorry for all the ?'s. mlhb