You can't sucessfully plan A a WS. You can implement plan A changes for YOU but NOT for the WS. They won't appreciate it.

Refocus your goals. Make changes to improve you (plan A). You can't take care of a WS like you took care of your H. I think you need to realize WS and H characters are totally different and need t/b treated as such.

Go read the books Love must be tough (Dr. James Dobson) and Boundaries.

Read my link about the 5 stages of grieiving.

L.

Orchid, Melody,carenMC eav,FF & not so sad,

Lets see if I have this right.
Plan A is to negotiate for the end of affair without LBs. Let him know I am willing to meet his ENs but not kiss up to him? presents, cards ect.

If that is the case I would not have been able to plan A before cause he wouldn't admit he was having one until I showed him the emails 2 nights ago.

eav I have been reading your posts I am thinking about going to the HR dept where they work. What do you guys think? I or know the GM ther maybe I should metion the A to him after all it is going on on their time. Should I ?

Plan A your H, not the WS. Meet your H's needs not the selfish ones of the WS.

Exposure at work s/b presented because you fear the lack of morals will spill over and affect 'work decisions'. That's how I would present it.

JMHO.

L.

from all of the advice i've gotten and everything i've read:

1st step done
you told your husband what you suspected-this gave him the chance to end the affair-he didn't

2nd step
you have a way to expose the affair which may end it...i say you have to...i would tell the general manager and i would ask him if there are transfer options available for your husband (in case he is not honest about this at a later time) the manager may want to go ahead and move one of them anyway-they don't want this stuff going on during work time or in the workplace(yuck)

3rd step
be prepared for his angry response but everyone says they get over it in a few weeks.

be calm when you tell him that you did it because "I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage"
do not lovebust!

4th step
continue to plan AAAAA

i have read posts that say it is okay to give cards and presents in plan A...see milkshake's thread and recent few pages

Ok, I think I will send him some flowers today.
He is not taking any of my calls right now. So I guess he is very mad.

I am going to try to get an appiontment with Dr. Steve today. I'll let you all know what he says.

I got to go to work and try to earn some money. I'm in sales so it hasn't been going to well.
THanks all.
Faith

Faith
I'm so glad you are getting great advice here!
I've been thinking about you.

hns

Thanks,
I sent the flowers. Still having a hard time working.
I have appointment Dr. Steve tomorrow morning.
Please pray for me/us.
It all seems so hopless right now.
But I still have faith.

Faith05

faith

I followed you over from your Just Found Out thread. I'm glad you are getting good input from others here.

I'm glad you have an appointment with Dr. Steve. Let us know how that goes! Others have had glowing reports! I think it is a grea idea.

I can remember very vividly how hard the first few months were. You will get through this! Hang in there! Take care of yourself first and foremost. You will need to be strong whatever the outcome, faith.

You and your h are in my prayers.

hns

So I sent the flowers,but on the card I wrote:
"Lets be a special couple again."
I guess that is R talk.

He still will not take my calls, Friends say it is hopeless.
This just the worse thing ever.

My plan A skills need help fast.
Faith

can't eat, sleep or work lost 30 lbs not good
friends are teling me to quit let it go
He says no feelings for me "it's not there" and doesn't believe it ever can be again. Says MB and MC is a bunch of $H**. Now he won't talk or see me since D-day.
Help!!!!!!

Faith - If you can't eat, sleep or work, and are losing weight, might be time to check with your doctor for some anti-D's. They can take some of the horrible pain away.

Do you still have an appointment with Steve tomorrow? That should help.

They all claim they have no feelings left, and it can never be the same again. They are addicted.

Most of the WS's think that MB is a bunch of S$** also, so it sounds like your WH is about typical.

What are you doing to take care of you?

Faith
Have you been to see your doctor? Make an appointment and explain what is happening. Your doctor may want to prescribe something to help you through the emotional turmoil this brings to your life.

You have to take care of yourself. No one else can do that for you. That is your number one priority right now. You have to be strong physically, emotionally and spiritually to get through this.

Call today! Get in to see a doctor as soon as you can.

Can you afford an Individual Counselor? Call today! If you can't afford one, call around to some of the churches in your area. My pastor is trained to offer family counseling. Many churches will offer counseling for free.

Faith, most of us here have dealt with the despair you are feeling. You are the only one that can get yourself back onto a healthy track .... with the help of your doctor and an IC. They can help you cope with the emotional despair.

{{{{{faith}}}}}}}}}
Be good to yourself!

hns

This word ---> "hopeless" is now banned from your vocabulary ... for at least 3 months! OK?

Your OLD marriage as is was is forever GONE .... that does not make the situation hopeless.

Avoid self-defeating negative messages.

You will survive this even if your marriage may not.

This is far from over.

It's going to take some time at this point. I haven't caught if you've exposed to everyone else (friends, family, work, etc...) but that's your next step. The intent is to get everyone possible helping to end the affair. Affairs don't work well when everyone knows about it and aren't supporting him in keeping it going...

Once that happens, you've got to keep that pressure on at the same time doing your level best to be the best possible "you". And he's going to resist it HARD for a while...he's going to use every excuse in the book to keep the affair going. But eventually it normally works out that he can't do it...that she won't be able to meet his EN's nearly as well as you can, and he'll start to see what he's got in you.

Again, it takes some TIME to happen, almost always. So I say expose, and then don't take ANYTHING he says personally or as something important until he starts to realize what an idiot he's being.

Hi Faith,
Wanted to add my support, and just let you know you
are not alone. I am in the same situation, with an H
who is so lost in the FOG and out of reality that it
really is scary. Besides the FOG surrounding my H
because he is involved with OW, he also has some
emotional problems/mental health issues, which
further complicate the situation.

I am doing IC (individual counseling) which is some-
what helpful, because you can vent, cry, just talk
about everything you are feeling, and get some good,
non-judgemental feedback.
My counselor has reminded me that I cannot change
or control things that my H does, but that I can
control and change myself.
One of the biggest things I've had to make myself
do is to just let things be sometimes, when I want
to be doing something, "fixing" things, and getting
out off the horrible "roller coaster" I feel like
I've been riding.
I am trying to do a good plan A, which has been
very hard as my "love bank" is getting pretty
low. When H gets mad he threatens me with divorce
paperwork, goes to sleep downstairs or says/does
something he knows will be hurtful to me.
He is threatening to move out, and even though
it would be hard and really sad, it might end up
being a relief to be out off the crazy ride,
his mood changes, his anger, etc.
If he does, then we will be in a Plan B.

I know it's hard, because I feel the same way, but
try to eat, get some extra sleep, exercise, and do
anything you can that you enjoy. I like to read,
and love long baths, so that's been my stress relief
lately. I also pray, talk to friends, and am trying
to do a good job at work, which isn't easy.
Thoughts and prayers to you,
Anne

Thanks for your support.
Yes, I went to the doctor last week. He knew what was wrong with out me even telling him. I lost so much weight so fast.

I do have an appointment with Dr. Steve tomorrow. I am afraid it is just going to be fact finding and no real answers yet.

Pep, ok I'll ban hopeless. I don't even want my old marriage back. I want a better one.

Beore I knew the EA was going on I saw my lawyer. He knew just from what I told him that their was an OP. But finances are as secure as they can be. I still could loose my job since my production is down.

owl, yes I have exposed him to his family and some friends Since he is doing this at work and they are making no attempt to hide it,he exposed himself. But I am getting the blame for it. I hve not gone to the upper management at his work yet. I don't think they will like what they are doing, but I don't know. Any thoughts on that?

Anne, I like to read too. It helps to calm my spirit.
I'll pray for you too.
Faith

Faith, here is an excellent post by Pep about Plan A:

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A.

Pep

I went shopping. Spent $400.00 on clothes. Ju$t $ay charge. So now I don't look like I am wearing a burlap sack anymore. Now I just look like a stick with legs. At least they fit.

love to all her F,
Faith

faith

i lost about 80 pounds in 6 months. i needed to lose the weight but dropping so fastmade everyone worried.
i was trying to lose though (#5 emotional need of husband= physical attractiveness) and i started walking on the treadmill 30 minutes 4 times per week and drinking slim fast for breakfast and lunch.

everyone at work thought slim fast was a "diet wonder" because i didn't tell anyone that it's really the "my husband cheated on me and it's eating away at me" diet.

i wasn't sleeping...work was he!! i don't know how my students learned anything

when he sent separation papers last summer (which i didn't sign) my weight dropped so low i looked sick.

but then he said that maybe we could work things out...i started to heal

and then in april he again said "i'm done. i have no feelings for you. I'm moving on without you. i'm not in love with you and i don't want o be in love with you again. i want a divorce"

and in june he wanted the agreement signed again. i said no.

one week in july he filed for a divorce.i found out he was still with the other woman and in fact that's why he had left. he withdrew the filing when i said i would counterclaim adultry. he threatened suicide. he called screaming at me until i was curled up in a ball crying and he told me to "shut the fu** up. pull myself together and listen to him when he talked."

i think it's possible that i had a psychotic break during the week all this happened.

again no sleep, not eating, and i was reacting so emotionally that i almost made alot of trouble for myself

this takes such a toll on our bodies, our minds, our health and most of all our HEARTS.

ps
i was lucky-my sister used to be very skinny. she dated aguy who loved to buy her very expensive clothes. she has since gained some weight and gotten a b**b job (from an a to a d cup) so she gave me alot of great clothes!

I had Session with Dr. Steve, Melody he agrees with you that I need to focus on getting him to re-engage in our relationship. However,since HW is in MAJOR withdrawal, I am only to contact him every few days by phone or email and leave message maintaining the position that we can work out our problems and have a wonderful marriage. No other contact for a week. WS is avoiding me/conflict and will not take my calls.

I feel better having a plan. It's very hard to not see or talk to him.

Dr. Steve said I am not in plan A or B yet, so I feel better since I didn't think I was doinng Plan A well at all.

I need strengh to keep from calling him when I'm not supposed to. Today I felt very anxious, was bouncing off the walls.

DR. Steve said he might listen to his parents, so I called them again and filled them in on Friday nights events and that Dr. Steve saind maybe they could give him a little gentle push. Don't know if they "got it " his mom is so mad at him right now she won't talk to him. But blood is thicker than water and he is still her son. So I don't know what to expect if anything.
check on you all tommorrow
Faith