Where I live and from what I've read this is not true. Most of my friends were as astounded as I was to find out that 50-60% of marriages in USA were affected by infidelity.
It doesn't SEEM as much here but it probably is.

Affairs are not acceptable. Everyone has been devastated by WH's A, his family included. Of course he probably has barely noticed because he leads a secret life and pretends that nothing is going on although everyone knows.

The fact that it is all secret, and OW keeps it secret too, means that I have no idea whether it was a LTA before I found out.

But at this point it is. 8 months can seem to be a long time but we're still in the timeframe most of the experts consider an A lasts, so it isn't really, as far as what I've read.

As for plan A being short, I already explained that in a previous post. There is some cultural aspect there because it seems to me that it is unacceptable to live with a man who has a lover. Specially once you know it. That's how my family reacted. They could not understand why I didn't kick him out the moment I found out.

On the other hand, I read HNHN and all the sections of SAA which refer to LB, AO etc and we did not have any of those, so there wasn't much to change, not much of a plan A to do when he will not allow me to meet any needs he may have had but never talked about.

HE SAID I was not to blame for anything. HE SAID that it was HIS problem. THERE WAS NO EXCUSE for the A except the fact that he wasn't IN LOVE anymore.

And he respects me (except for the A). His actions have shown respect during these 8 months.

So, thanks for your hep. I think that this has turned out to be an atypical A, so I'll just go ahead with my plan. I'll stay dark for a few more months and in february I'll file for divorce. By that time maybe I'll feel emotionally stronger and ready to give up the M.

Actually the only reason I haven't divorced is because MB and other places specializing in As ALL say the same thing, basically that As end and it is up to the BS whether they want to recover their marriage or not, whether they can forgive or not.
But my case is different. WH has not abandoned us, he sees his dds as much as possible, he provides financially for all, he hides OW and has never openly admitted his relationship with her, he has never blamed me for anything, etc.
these are some of the differences with the As I've read about.

Have to disappear for a while...

cc you said:



Just wanted to let you know that this is no different than the viewpoint here in the States. When I tried to explain the MB approach to my family and friends, they had the same reaction as your family. I used to think like this too until this happened to me...

Mimi, I know there are fine people like all you MBers in the States <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Just to explain a little more. My family is 100% supporting me and separating from WH because of the A. If I had not exposed it would have been different.

WH's family supported my decision too. First thing BIL said to me was how could I have lived with him during those 2 months of "plan A" (of course he didn't know it was plan A). When I told him WH was having an A he went straight to confront him and verify. He got the same answer I did: it's not important.

Maybe OW has managed to find a couple of people who approve, but nobody I know except for maybe one co worker.

So I think that the the issue of having an A being regarded as virile and powerful happens everywhere, maybe some places more than others, but the situation here is probably very similar to that in USA. One difference I have observed is that people do not get married many times. Second marriages are frequent, but not third or more.

Most families here have very strong ties. Kids do not go away to college and most still live at home until they marry.

I see my mother and my brother every week, my aunts and cousins very frequently.

Anyway, off to work again

CC you said:



Are you saying that this is a "GOOD" thing? As I said before, "families" typically don't understand MB principles.

The close family ties that you describe make your WH's behavior seem even more odd...

Mimi is right on so far...I really have nothing to add right now outside what she has said.

In His arms.

Mimi, what I mean is that both my family and his agree that the A is not to be tolerated. They all agree that I should not live with him while he is in an A.

But in general nobody has aked why I don't get a divorce.


Yes it is very strange that having such strong family ties WH should do this, but then, it seems to happen all the time.

Last night he took dds to that school function. Apparently they all had a good time. He could just as easily have taken OW, after all, he hasn't seen his schoolfriends since they left school about 30 years ago and nobody would have been surprised ... BIL met his new GF there.

Of course the OW is NOT the kind of person he seems to want to introduce to anyone
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mortarman, thanks for your opinion. It is very meaningful for me, because I now know that I am on the right track. I will do what is right for me. I am committed to a 1 year plan B and after that I will file, unless WH starts to do funny stuff financially.

But I suggested contact with him....

CC, to be honest, I think your Plan A was too short.

You have not convinced me that this can be accounted for by cultural reasons. My family didn't support me staying with my H either while he was having an A...

Where would that leave me with respect to the plan B letter?

At this point, I agree that if we meet, I would talk to him.

I'm thinking.....

What do you think about writing him a letter saying that you want to meet with him to discuss the status of your marriage? See if, when and how he responds. That would give you valuable information.

Make it short and sweet, placed in a nice note card.

Maybe I should first speak with a lawyer about my options so I have some information to discuss...

I think I should wait a little longer because some things have been happening: one employee quit last friday, so that must put some stress on the work situation. He was originally a friend of OW's. Now I bet it's her job to find someone to replace him.
2. this thing he went to yesterday was very emotional, for reasons I cant explain. It is very meaningful that he took dds.
3. his father's birthday was last week and today was his brothers, the one we didn't talk to for about 3 years and even though WH was having his car repaired he went to his mother's to have lunch with his family.

maybe he's softening..

some excuse will come up...

CC:

Given that he is "softening", seems like the perfect time to meet with him.

I was thinking in terms of you reminding him how to come back home. I wasn't thinking of a meeting to talk about D.

You see, I was wondering if he thinks that is not an option for him.

Do you think that he thinks that the OW NEEDS him more than you do? Could that be part of her attraction to him?

oops, I meant "HIS ATTRACTION TO HER"....

Of course the OW NEEDS him more than I do. I don't need him, I just want him.

Does he know this, that you WANT HIM!!!

I think that more than his ATTRACTION to her is her persistance. Once she managed to make something happen between them I think he felt so guilty and unworthy that he doesn't know how "go back", so he got confused and is now stuck.

I have re-read my plan B letter many times and it's all written there, but he may need some help.

I'll look out for an opportunity.

He may need your help, CC....

How can you offer it?

Why not come up with a PLAN?

I really think a STELLAR PLAN A is crucial so he would be missing you by now...

Why don't you think of a PLAN, CC..