Forgive me for just jumping in here...

But I'm a little concerned about something. When you say he's 'threatened' you and others, what exactly do you mean?

dewt

We were out one night at one of our social gatherings...the evening had started out fine...we were all laughing and having a great time. Later his OP decided to sit down and start talking with me. We weren't really talking about him...but he was VERY DRUNK and came over and threatened to burn my house down and crush my skull blaming me for making his life miserable...he made a threat a couple of days later to our mutual best friend if he continued to talk to me, he would kill him. We had him picked up for mental evaluation for his drinking but they had to release him on his own because he was over age. So of course he is very angry with me for that...but at the same time he said it was a wake up call.

Sounds to me like a call to the police is very much in order. A restraining order would help protect you from that kind of cra... er... stuff.

Don't mess around with this kind of thing. Drunk people do stupid things. When he's threatening you, he's either trying to scare you, or trying to control you. Don't let him do either.

dewt

Sadie, Dewt is right. The most compassionate thing you could do for him is have him tossed into jail for threatening your life. Maybe not this time, but certainly the next time it happens. One of the best medicines for an alcoholic is to wake up inside a jail cell.

Sadie, how long has he been like this? Alcoholics don't get this bad overnight.

Yes, he was trying to control me...he'd been showing signs of that since he left. Everytime I looked like I was having fun he would start fights with me or try to create a scene wherever we were. I would just ignore him and never let it show how badly I was hurting inside.

We did have him picked up and taken in for mental evaluation to a rehab but they had to let him go because he refused treatment. I've been standing my ground. He's angry because he never thought that I would do something like that to him.

Melody,

He was an alcoholic when I met him...but when we started dating he got a DUI in front of my house. When he came out of jail, I told him he could stay if he no longer drank in the house and stopped drinking everyday. For almost 5yrs things were great, an occasional beer here and there, sometimes a few more.

Then about three months ago, he got very depressed because all his irresponsibilities caught up with him. I was as they say in CODA language, an enabler...I had been picking up the pieces for him for 5yrs. Paying bills, taking on all the responsibilities etc. I thought I was helping him, but now I realize I wasn't.

He woke up one morning and said have you seen the moving Leaving Las Vegas and I said no. He left the house and didn't come home that night. Stayed at a mutuals friends house. We were able to get him to come home and all our friends rallied around telling him that we would all help him as much as we could. But things were not the same between us after that...he started drinking excessively until the night I asked him to stay at our friends house...which was the night he met OP and went home with her. He doesn't believe in affairs..etc...so I know that it really has to do with the depression and alcohol and she's just there for him through all this.

Yes, I promised his dad I would call 911 next time. However, he's now told us he will no longer be around any of us. So I guess that I won't have to worry about him hurting any of us.

Well, I'm proud of you for standing your ground. And I also agree with Mel. Call the police. Zero tolerance.

Like I said, my experience with drunks is somewhat limited. I was suprised at how quickly threats turned into action. And I also think that with alcohol sometimes people tend to act before they realize they are doing so. Not a good combination where violence is concerned.

Also, it's great that you can keep your cool. Sometimes though, that can backfire. For example, I'm awesome at keeping my cool. That, unfortunately, was what led my ex to escalate the situation. As long as she wasn't getting to me, she just kept trying harder and harder. It was only once I called the police, AND pressed charges that any changes began to occur.

Dang... I'm like one step behind everyone tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Mel, I really liked what you said about the night in jail being the compassionate thing... good call.

Dewt,

I think you hit it on the nail!! He was used to controlling me and I always backed down to him. Part of the codependency problem I obviously had. When I started to come out of my shell the past couple of months since he was gone, every time I had a smile on my face, laughed or showed that I was moving forward, that's when he would become angry, vicious and made the threats. The final straw as he said when I turned him in...I never thought that she would ever do something like this after all our years together...he doesn't understand that I had the blessing of his family and all of our friends that thought it was in HIS best interest. There was no gain for me or revenge motive. I was crying in hysterics the whole time. It was the most painful thing I had to do. The police actually made me sit a block away when it all happened.