Dear winterkisses,

Probably it was the wrong thing to contact the OW, but I’ve read the e-mail and like Mimi, I also think it was okay as long as there is not further communication. I really liked your letter and I will hope and pray the letter will touch something deep inside the OW and bring her to her senses… If the OW have something good and decent in her, the letter will speak to her soul and conscience… I really hope so…

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks guys- I had enough wallowing- time to plan a

Winter:

I understand your sadness. All of us BSes, whether in Recovery now or not, share your heartache. So this post is not downplaying how painful this is for you. However, I want to encourage you, based on my own experience with this, to change from this FEELING MODE to a FIGHT MODE. Begin to see yourself as a WARRIOR, engaged in a BATTLE to save yourself and your M. You say that you are in competition with the OW. This is the way to DEFEAT HER. Do you want to allow her/them to beat you down like this? One of the best lessons that I learned when I was in your position was that I was not in really in competition with her. Why not? Because she was not even on my level. I AM A WIFE. She is the OW. She could not possibly understand the nature of my relationsip and my life. She is not like YOU, WINTER... She will not have a PLAN or a BATTLE STRATEGY...

So what is YOUR PLAN? Not your plan to repair your relationship, as you say.. What is YOUR PLAN for yourself? What changes do YOU need to make?

Thanks everyone-


I am going to learn to love myself more. Both physically and mentally. Someone told me that my face is beautiful- but i have so many frowns and pain that it shows.
The summer is going to be over in a few weeks and I have not had a chance to enjoy or celerate it. I deserve a reprieve and so do my children. The best thing I can do is help myself.

Well good morning-
My wh heard about the email from the ow. He said she told him she had something she wanted to talk to him about and to show him - he said he told her he didnt want to see it. he said I know about the 24 years, the house etc. - If he hadnt seen it how would he know? I printed a copy of it and showed him when he came to the house to cut the grass, clean the garage, clean the yard, and be with the kids. He read it.....he said I bought the house for you and the kids and the cars and everything because I loved you.
But...you are still my best friend/wife but My feelings have changed and I am trying to work thru them.We would always be connected thru the kids. He is still trying to move and get an apartment and then a lot of this would be eleviated and he could think. HUH? Im at 25% back to feeling that way to you. You were my best friend when we were dating and I will always care for you.
If I didnt I wouldnt come around- I know how much you love me and I need to find and work thru things. He said he would be back today to change the oil in my car. He said he dosent want to give me mixed messages and if I didnt want to wait - he understood.
He said the letter didnt change anything- he already knows how i feel- which he never doubted. That she is giving him space to decide what he wants. We talked in general - he asked if I was going back to school at nite this fall and I said yes. Then he left.

I would tell him that you want to work on the marriage and that you feel the best way to do that would be for him to come back home.

Don't buy his argument that "space" will help your relationship. Wanting "space" means "I want to cake-eat", time with her at the apartment and the ability to visit you at home.

So the first step is to begin the broken record of "I want you to come home in order for us to work on our MARRIAGE".

YOUR PLAN is working...

I did say that and he said dont you want me to come back because I love you instead of me moving back in and its the same thing over again. He said he know he has to work on the relationship, go back to church,etc. I said i understand, but I think if your here we can work on it together. He said Im telling you ow is not the problem- its that - you know when i started sleeping in the other room- i dont know if you were just naive or didnt see that's when we drifted.(this was the same thing I said - when i told him I know im responsible for things also- and he got mad and said for me not to apologise it is all his fault) he says he does miss me and the kids and the house- but he is thinking- he needs space to think things thru.
Is there some fog liftage or is he starting to open to me?

He is following the standard WS script...saying the same old things...(Mimi signing)


'

To this you say, "I want you to come back so that WE can work on our MARRIAGE. It will not be the same, I have changed...."

He does not feel "in love" with you right now because of his addiction to the OW... That can come in time...



GREAT RESPONSE, WINTER!!!



Don't dispute this with him but DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!!! This is the standard script!!



Your PLAN A Is working....

Use your WIFELY POWERS....

ok

Does my wifely powers involve trying to kiss him- I tried and at first he said no- then he came over to me and kissed me and said he didnt mean to push me away- then he kissed and held me and siad he is trying to work this out- for me not to cry and know that he will be here for me.

I dont know if he wants me to make the decision or what or is he too afraid to give in. I need the visability - if i pull back further will he just bolt for her or if I go to tight he will bolt for her.

Yes- definitely KISS HIM!!

Read up on PLAN A. Definitely DO NOT PULL BACK FURTHER!!

What are your WH's Primary Emotional Needs..

You can read up on these needs on this website if you do not have the books HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR...

I will check back with you later on this afternoon or this evening...

It is evident that he craves AFFECTION...keep that up!!

MAKE CLAIMS ON WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!!! He is your HUSBAND...

This will take TIME AND PATIENCE but continue to move forward in fighting for your marriage...

He is following the standard WS script...saying the same old things...

the more i hear the things my husband says described as standerd for WS...the better i feel about my situation

mimi....i love this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ok he hasnt called me all day- he is suppose to come by to by today to fix the car. he said he was goingto stay the night last nite but he didnt- he said he got busy and was tired. he is coming today at 5- how do i act or just keep it cool. I dont want to blow this. I want to make a good impression on his mind.

well he was here and he fixed the car- I got ready to leave and I had to ask for a hug that was the coldest hug I ever had. Yesterday we kissed and it felt like old times and today- just a coldness.

I went to the counslor and he said I need to work on my being afraid to be alone.
He said that my wh has been doing this so long that I accepted it. That I was the one here taking care of the kids, running the household and all he did was work and provide finances. (I worked also) That he is acting like a little boy and deciding he dosent want to play anymore so he's just going to do what he wants and if it dosent work out he always has me to fall back on. I used to be independent, assertive, self assured- and have turned into this sad, limp, looking to him for protection.
He barely spoke to me except like he was talking to anybody else. I asked him yesterday to spend the nite and he said yeah- he would be back after work- he didnt come- i spoke to him today and he says oh I got busy and was tired and went back to ow house.
I want my heart to heal- and I ont want to be a witch- that's why I didnt do Plan b yet.