I don't see any point in calling up the OW and screaming at her, but I would disagree that that there is something wrong with being angry at the OP. He/She is just as guilty as the married person, as it takes 2 people to have an affair. It is a great offense to rut like a pig with a married person and most people would find that, naturally, very offensive and respond with anger.

And I disagree that you should not get details on the OP. That is an important part of busting up the affair in many cases and makes exposure possible. The BS should do everything to bust up the affair and making life miserable and uncomfortable for both affairees is a key part of that mission.

IM,

Let me take a crack at this. I'm not suggesting you "care" about the OP....but there are lessons from every affair - and I feel details about the OP was important to me as a result.

I needed to know every single detail about my OP. My imagination was far worse than reality, and it helped me gain peace as a result. Another reason is that the OP knows nothing that I don't know too now. I didn't want there to be one shred of information that she had (they had) that I didn't know. I wanted all the details to see the light of day - they weren't so special then as a result.

Reality between WSs and OPs is like a bucket of cold water on the flame of their relationship.

Don't bury your head in the sand - get whatever information you need...and let the rest go.

Before you get 2X4's from all the BW's here who had to contend with the 20 something you's. Let me just say your viewpoint here is needed and different than I have seen elsewhere. Not many OP's post here and sometimes posts that go against the mainstream will get hammered. However, I'm certain your experience and insight will be appreciated by many. Don't let them scare you away if in fact they do ever hammer you.

Betcha that old bosses wife would call it karma but you made a mistake and have owned up to it. Besides it was a long time ago and not the person you are today. I've read here about workplace affairs and there dynamics. I didn't envision you as the typical damsel in distress, even back then. Still you probably won't get the same amount of sympathy here unless you consider deleting this post. IMHO it's irrelevant to your current predicament and might bias the responses you get.

Also, no offense about my affairing down/loser comments. I did say or mean "typically".

Good points CSue and MelodyLane. I am probably being very naive here, and expect the ol' H to just wake up an come to his senses. I'm torn between the two quotes:
"Any thing worth having is worth fighting for.." versus
"If you love someone set them free...blah blah if they don't come back, they never were yours."

Couple that with the fact that I'm not in the mood to fight for my marriage yet. I'm still going through that initial rage, shock thing, and I'm not thinking about fighting anyone. Maybe when I change into fight mode, I'll be more likely to get more info on the OP. I guess when I was the OP, I ended the A before the cycle could get that far.

Also, Melodylane, I'm not sure I will ever blame the OW on even close to the level I blame H. She doesn't know me, and heck, she might have been fed the same "My marriage has been over for years, and you are so amazing line." If she's 15 years younger than my H, and in a position to be "starstruck" by his accomplishments, shouldn't H be the one holding 90% of the bag?
I've noticed that even in Church these days, (maybe I'm being overly sensitive) the pastor is not teaching the unmarried's how they need to respect other marriages. It's all about respecting YOUR marriage, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of preaching about single folks staying clear.

Every situation is different, and honestly, I don't even know what my situation is yet, so I'll keep you posted. I'm still collecting info, and I'm glad you are there to help me with your experiences!

Thanks also to ACTDontreact for kind words. Actually, I have always been open to all about my role in that A back in the day. I'll be the first to say it was the single worst thing I've ever done. I've also told several folks who considered getting involved in marriages about my experience, and I think I've probably kept at least a half dozen single women from inflicting the pain that I did. I sincerely hope that folks don't hold my past against me, and we all make mistakes. I've always been honest to H and to the MC's about my role in this other relationship. Ironically, H nodded when I told him about it, and said, "That's why you don't want to spend too many hours a day with someone of the opposite sex, unless you are truly unattracted or even repulsed by them." I say H, take your own advice!

im, agree 100% that the spouse has a much greater degree of accountability to the marriage and most often bears the brunt of the anger. His betrayal and cruelty far outpace that of the OP. That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't be blamed, of course he should!

However, decent people will always be outraged at injustice. It is just not realistic - or normal - to believe that one could not be angry at an OP who slept with one's spouse, or anyone's spouse. Anger is just a natural, healthy response.

Thanks MelodyLane. I can tell from your posts that you've seen many sides of this whole thing. Have you considered becoming (or maybe you already are) a professional counselor now? When I see someone who is happily recovered, it gives me hope to even care enough to pursue this mess.

Good quote about conflict avoidance, too! I'm a professional "conflicter", yet in my own marriage, I'm looking for someone to tell me to stick my head in the sand. Maybe I'm just looking for an easy way out,,,but I'm quickly seeing there are no easy outs.

Sorry if my background as a "recovered OW" taints your opinion of me. I really didn't "rut like a pig" but at the same time didn't get out of the way when the train stopped on my platform! I'm hoping my honest will help all understand all of my ambivalence about this situation....

IM, my opinion of you is not tainted at all. I have alot of respect for anyone who recognizes when they are wrong and take steps to change themselves. Some of my greatest heroes on this forum are former WS's. I do view adultery as rutting like a pig, but I sure don't view a person who has remorse and changed themselves as a pig. I am a firm believer that character comes, not from being perfect, but in facing our wrongdoing and making changes. That is a true person of character to me.

p.s. thanks for the compliment, but no I am not a counselor and would be a terrible one because I have no patience. I sell soft drinks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

weneedhelp,

No, I did not expose to her H. At the time I found out I was not sure if he was still in Iraq or not. Found out about a week later that he had been home for a short time. The 2nd week I started finding out so much about her from my H. Where she worked, where her sister-in-law works, where her inlaws (who happened to take her in when she was 15, btw) can be reached. I know where her H works, his email, and a few places he hangs out.

Before I knew he was home I sent her an email. (I know her cell number, home number, address, where she works and all of the above. I informed her that any type of contact will force me to tell her H. I did not speak to her personally. The email was pretty much a do this or else I will show her H all the proof I collected.

I have seen too many guys come home "messed up" from Iraq. I did not have the heart to break this news to him. I hope I do not regret it, but at that moment I felt sorry for him and his state of mind was my first thought. I also was concerned because her H and my H are senior NCO's. I had to bite the bullet because I did not want to cause problems at my H's work. We are 3 years away from retirement.

Like I said, I hope this does not come back to bite me in the butt. If it does then I will have no choice but to spill the beans.

Added note: before he left for Iraq he messed around on her with another soldiers wife-her H messed around on her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Melodylane- totally unrelated to the A, but had to comment:
Behind food, my biggest addiction is to diet soda. I'm the worst kind of customer though. I buy Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi indiscriminately, often filling my 7-Eleven megamug with half and half. None of their promos or special events have any impact on me. I buy based on price, and if price is the same, I just let the moment take me. Maybe that's my biggest character flaw now! (LOL!)

Wow! a cola switcher! Usually Pepsi and Coke drinkers are quite loyal, ya traitor! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We're a rare and special breed. I think if you Cola folks could get a good read on my ambivalence, one of you would be out of business tomorrow.
PS>>I have no idea why I'm ambivalent, but Diet Rite (RC) is out of the question!

we can agree on that, Diet Rite is naaastay! lol

Keep stirring things up, MelodyLane. We can all use a dose of brutal reality to get us all thinking about the REAL target.

BTW, I'm not a "regular" on the church circuit, but I consider myself to be a very moral/religeous person in that I am very "Old testament". I think many WS's and OP's go through life without a second thought about the destruction they leave in their wake.

Back in my early days, when the wife came up to me and asked me what I thought I was doing, even back then, in all my arrogance, my first thought was...I have no earthly idea, but no EA is worth this anguish. I hope that we have more OP's out there that agree. More importantly, though, I think more WS's need to fess up and accept that THEY and THEY ALONE are the ones who betrayed the vows they took in front of friends, family, and (their) God. Thanks again!

CarenMc - How on earth did you hack into OW's cell account? Wow- you're good!