JL, I took a bit of your advice, and instead of putting the responsibility on my H to figure out what I should do, I sent my H an e-mail this morning listing some things that I plan on doing if he lets me. Suggestions? Comments?

1. I will change my phone number and only give it to people that we both agree need it.

2. I will change my screenname and only give it to people that we both agree need it.

3. I will sit down with the cell phone bill each month with you and give an account of any phone number you do not recognize.

4. I will provide a detailed account of any spending so that you can be sure I am unable to spend a penny on anything that could harmful to our marriage.

5. I will write a letter (with no return address) to him explaining that my affair was wrong and selfish. I will show it to you before you mailing it, asking for your help and your input.

6. I will sit down with you each week, calendars in hand, to plan meaningful time that we will spend together – no television, no movies, just us.

7. I will not be as strict on when I try to go to bed during the week. One less hour of sleep really won’t make that much of a difference. I would just need to adjust to it.

8. I will provide a daily schedule of things I plan on doing with phone numbers where I can be reached in addition to my cell phone. I will call frequently to let you know what I am doing so that you never have to worry.

9. I will find a woman’s bible study to join so that I can have female companions who can support me and encourage me.

Cinny

this is a great list and a great start! This is a great way to show what YOU are going to do to show him you are commited without him having to pester you about it. And #9 I think is the BEST part of it. This is the place where you will do the most changing and healing.

Good Job!

Cinnymd - Thanks for the response to all the questions. I’m going to try to add a little to your “plan,” but I want to warn you ahead of time that some of it may be a little “hard to hear” right now and some of it will require a lot of time to implement. NONE of them will “guarantee” that your husband will not proceed with the divorce (it IS his right), but it will result in a “better cinnymd” for future relations with either your husband or another Christian man.




Your "list" is good "first step."

We’ll see over time about the “committed” part. For now it would seem to be more along the lines of “I am desperate to making my marriage work.”

Cinny, “love” is an action verb. It must be “done,” not talked about or “felt.” It involves more than anything two very important things that ONLY you can do…Commitment and Choice. In essence, you “choose” to “love,” that is, to behave in a “loving manner,” regardless of what the other person may or may not do to respond of reciprocate that love to you. In short, YOU “hold up your part of the equation” because that is all that you ARE capable of doing. You cannot “choose” for someone else. You cannot “act for someone else.” You cannot “force” someone else to love you. Love is GIVEN, not taken. Love is received, not forced. But love IS COMMANDED by God to all of us, but especially to MEN in a marriage. Unfortunately, most of us are woefully ignorant of God’s commands and have spent little, if any, time in the Scripture learning what God DOES have to say on the “matter.”



Okay, let’s not delve into “excuses” right now. What has happened in your marriage HAS happened and there is no way to go back and change the past. ALL that can be changed is today, and the changes of today CAN and WILL shape what lies ahead in your future…it can be “according to God’s will” or it can be “whatever YOU want and desire without regard to God’s will.”

So let’s look at the “past” timeline:

September 2003 – Cinny and husband wed.
February 2004 – July 2004 – Cinny was involved in an affair. (How long did the A last? [color:"red"]It lasted for six months, however it was long distance, so it there wasn't constant contact.)[/color]

Ahhh…I get it. It’s NOT an affair, it’s NOT adultery, it’s NOT SO BAD because you had “barriers” to constant contact and could only cheat “occasionally.” Your husband sees this quite clearly.

How did your H learn of the A? [color:"red"]He found a card that the OM had given me.[/color] Cinny chose to “hide” the affair and NOT be honest with her husband. So now he KNOWS that she cannot be trusted and he could “care less” what “Cinny wants” with respect to the marriage. For him, the marriage ENDED when Cinny chose to sleep with another man. And it did. The marital vows are quite clear about “forsaking ALL others.”

So what’s left? “For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” What’s left for your husband is the seemingly difficult task, yet COMMAND of God, to FORGIVE you your sin. Since he is a believer, he has NO option other than to obey God’s command, unless he too wants to willfully choose to sin against God. He will need to remember that “two wrongs do not make a right." Make no mistake about it, his “wrong” of disobeying God and “making you pay” for you sin against him WILL make him “feel good” for a while. But the “funny thing” about God is that we can run as fast and as far away from Him as we want to, but we cannot escape His knowledge of where we are and what we are doing, we cannot know PEACE until we “surrender” to God and follow His commands in humble obedience REGARDLESS of how our human nature might be feeling.

Keep in mind, also, that "Forgiveness" does not mean the erasure of "consequences." More on that later.

May 2005 – Cinny’s husband discovered the affair by finding a “love note,” and his “world as he knew it ENDED.” Everything that he knew and believed in disappeared in a “puff of smoke.” His sense of “self,” his sense of being “man enough” for his wife,” his belief that Christians are “protected” from this sort of sin, his entire belief structure, his entire vision of what married life with you would be like until you are “old and gray,” his emotions (his TAKER) took control and is focused on “protecting” him from further harm at your hands. This is NOT about the two of you…this is about protecting solely him from additional pain, anguish, uncertainty, and loss of “exclusivity.”

In short, the ONLY way that your marriage can survive to “become what you both once wished for” is to surrender it, and yourselves, to God. God IS the Master Potter. God WILL take your flawed and broken marriage and mash it down and start all over again fashioning a newer and better “pot,” one that WILL bring honor and glory to Him and the marriage you “wanted” to the both of you. God WILL use this mess to teach you both great lessons in love, sacrifice, commitment, surrender, humbleness, servanthood, … LOVE.

Only YOU or your HUSBAND can thwart God’s plan for your marriage. God will NOT force either of you to surrender to Him. It must be a willing choice that each of you makes in response to the tremendous gift that God already made for you, in love, in the sacrifice of His only begotten Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Can we do less for those that we love?

May 2005 – Cinny agrees to end the affair and to stay with “Second Choice” husband because she fears the stigma of “divorcee,” among other reasons.

Another lie, in fact and in the “action” that your husband has seen. There is NO reason to believe anything you might say at this point. How long ago did you actually stop contacting OM, other than the call you mentioned in this thread? [color:"red"]For almost the entire summer, my H either wouldn't talk to me or let me know that he wasn't really in the M, so I spent most of the summer looking for comfort from the OM (wrong place, I know). I have not contacted the OM in about three weeks.[/color]

One storm, one disagreement, one “things aren’t going the way * I * want them to go and BOOM, right back to betrayal and relying on the “wonderful, moral, other man!” Your husband has every right to not trust you or believe you. Your ACTIONS have “spoken” for you. NOW, perhaps, the fog IS lifting and you are beginning to see the reality of what your actions have wrought, and you want to “Rectify” things. Cinny, nothing can “erase” what has been, but you CAN change TODAY, and as a result, let God the Master Potter shape your future, and hopefully your marriage with your husband.

But this “blow” is deeper and more painful than virtually any Wayward Spouse can imagine. It literally rips your heart and soul out and stomps them so deep into the pit that, initially, NO Betrayed Spouse can see how they could possible climb out the pit, much less rebuild a marriage with the person who could so callously rape them in this manner. I am trying to get you to see things, a little, from your husband’s perspective.

Cinny, if you truly want a shot at recovering your marriage, you can NEVER AGAIN be the source of pain, on purpose, to your husband. There will be things that you did in the past that you can never again do. YOU must make the choice to give those things up. They could include places you went, things you did, books you read, movies you watched, etc..



Cinny, the first sentence is a “lie” and you know it. NONE of this would be going on if God were “first” in your marriage. These things happen when we take God off of the throne and put ourselves on the throne and do what “we” want to do regardless of whether or not it is “according to God’s will.” Going to church together, praying together, are all good things. But they are “window dressing” and doing things for “appearance’s sake” if there is no “servant-hood submission,” based in love and gratitude to God for Jesus Christ to “back up” or “motivate” those actions.

Is it any wonder that attendance at church or the lack of prayer have occurred? Where was the “proof” of submission to God? Why should he think anything would change now?

3 WEEKS. In a marriage of 2 years you have “resisted” temptation for 3 weeks. You spent the first 6 months in “honeymoon bliss.” But as soon as the shine wore off, you were off seeking another more “understanding” man. You followed that up by continually lying to your husband about the affair, about being repentant, about wanting to me married to him “no matter what,” and you have a grand total of 3 Weeks of No Contact (that your husband has no way to verify).

Cinny, all of this is simply to hopefully get you to the point where the Policy of Radical Honesty becomes “you.” That lies and deceit are GONE. That commitment in LOVE, sacrificially if needed, is what YOU WILL DO regardless of what your husband does or says. He MUST see a “changed you.” There is NO reason to believe anything you might say. The ONLY thing that can “change his mind about divorce right now” is one of two things, or hopefully both of them.

1. He sees a “broken and contrite” you, willing to actually put into practice what you “say.” In other words, to “walk the talk.”

2. He surrenders to God in the area of forgiving you. Forgiveness begins the path to healing and restoration. But understand that God KNOWS how devastating adultery is. It is the ONE reason that God gives Christians as a valid reason for divorce…because God is also a God of “Peace.” That peace extends to each of us according to our needs, and in the case of adultery, we may not be able to “forgive and forget” as God does (not forgetting but putting our sin so far away from his thoughts as the “East is from the West).

So let’s begin with surrendering to God.

Add to that getting a new Marriage Counselor. One who is a Christian and is trained in saving marriages and is committed to helping you both be “obedient to God’s commands” as the first step in healing.

If you think it will help, I can email you a pamphlet, or a couple of pamphlets, that our MC gave my wife and I when we began counseling. You should both read them, because they are written to Christians in marital difficulty. If you want them, drop me an email at mbforeverhers@yahoo.com and let me know that it is you. Leave a message here that you sent me an email and I will check the Yahoo account.

The title of the 1st pamphlet is: “What Do You Do When Your Marriage Goes Sour?

The title of the 2nd pamphlet is: “Marriage…Whose Dream?”

Cinny, the average recovery takes 2 years. Are you ready to start? Are you ready to commit to the time no matter how hard it may seem at times along the way?

God bless.

Forever -

Well, you certainly did give me quite a bit to respond to.


Having gone through this feeling for several months now, and knowing myself quite well, I am able to discern the difference between desperation and sincerity. I will admit that a while ago, anyone could easily see that I was desperate. But desperation gets you no where. I have long since surpassed that.


Please don't misinterpret my words. I am more than ready to admit that what I had was an affair and that it was flat out wrong. The reason that I shared the fact that the relationship was long distance was because I wanted to clearly explain the situation in order to get the best advice. I was by no means, saying that my affair was any less wrong because of it.

I would think most affairs are hidden. But from what I have been told, my H does not think I cannot be trusted. He believes that I am sincere and that I have no desire to contact the OM. The marriage did not end for him when I chose to have an A. For him, the marriage ended when he didn't see a perfect marriage after a few months of counseling.


I am not looking to not pay for my mistakes. I made the choice, and I need to be ready to accept the consequences of my choice.

Your timeline is inccorect. The A lasted from March until June 2004, seeing each other three times during all of that (again, I say this not to make what I did seem any less wrong, but just to put forth facts). The card was discovered in June 2004. There was NC and my H and I were in counseling. When my H decided that counseling was not providing the immediate results he wanted, he said in May 2005 that he wanted a D. This was when I called the OM. He found this out in August.

My H does not see himself as my "second choice" and I do not see him as that either. We are both clear on that. I am not wanting to stay with my H because of any stigma. I have had conversations at length with my counselor about this since I have been seeing her on my own for quite some time. I would not choose to stay in a relationship that was not right just to avoid a stigma.

Only I can know just where my relationship with God is, and what my H and I were doing. Nothing was done for appearances sake. I said that we tried to put God first in our marriage. And we did. But we clearly did not know how to actually do it, and that is where we failed.

He stopped attending church because our pastor knew what was going on and he didn't want to have to deal with questions. I continued to attend. We weren't praying together because he wasn't talking to me.

The first six months of marriage were no honeymoon. We did not know what it meant to be married. I am not using that as an excuse, because there are no excuses. But there was no honeymoon bliss.
He actually can verify this and I have encouraged him to. The OM is in the Marines (which my H knows) so the OM couldn't see me. I would have to travel across the country to see him, which I couldn't do without my H knowing. And the only means I have for making a long distance phone call is through my cell phone, and I have encouraged my H to look online to find the current usage of my cell phone, which lists all numbers called and time spent on the phone. So yes, he actually can verify that there has been NC.

I always expected recovery to take a long time. It was my H who expected a speedy solution. I am ready to commit the rest of my life, no matter how hard things may be. Because, however hard things might get with my H, I will at least still be with him.

God bless. [/quote]

I tried sending you a private message to let you know I e-mailed you, but for some reason it says I can't send private messages. So here is your message! My e-mail address is [email]CinnyMD@hotmail.com.[/email]

cinny,

What was your H's reaction to your list of actions you planned to take? Ask him if he has thought of others. But, at the same time ask him something else or at least consider asking him: "Are there things that you want to talk about?" And sit quietly and let him think about this and answer in his own time.

You have made some good strides. You mentioned you did not feel comforted by the fact that having no children diminished the harm. I think I recall that correctly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I am guessing but what most think when there are no children is that means fewer will get hurt by the divorce AND it means there is less reason to remain in the marriage.

Your relationship was 10 years but your marriage is only 2 years old. That means there is more invested than some would think. I don't know the situation before you two married but I hope that most of the memories he has of you are good ones.

All of this works in your favor. So keep up the good work, open dialogues when you can and then JUST LISTEN to him. Ask clarifying questions and make sure you understand where he is coming from. Your job is to collect data on his thining, his feelings, and his goals. Why? Because as you understand them, you can use them to discuss ways to save this marriage.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

I'm not sure what I said that made you think our relationship has been 10 years. We started dating in March of 1999, our freshman year of college ... so it has actually been about six and a half ... no short amount of time, though. There are a lot of wonderful memories.

I don't really know what his response to my list was. He read it, that much I know, because it is no longer "new" in his inbox. But he hasn't responded. He seems to only respond to what he wants to.

Thanks for your continued help and support. By the way, he called me last night, just to say hi. He hasn't done that in a while. And at the end of the conversation, when the cell phone cut out, he even called back later to let me know he didn't hang up on me (which I knew already, and we had already pretty much said goodbye too). I don't want to look at that incident as any sort of hope if it is false hope, but at least it made me feel good and helped me sleep last night.

By the way, I left a message with the counseling center for an appointment. I haven't figured out how I will be able to afford to pay for the session just yet, but I know that God will somehow provide a way.

Man, how fast I have updates sometimes. I sent my H a text message letting him know that I called MB and he responded with "There is a reason I am not living at hom and that we are separated. I am sorry for showing up there in moments of weakness. I am not doubting your sincerity in your efforts, but what is happening is real. Don't spend more of our money in doing things that are in vain. It is too late and too much has happened. Please accept that even if you don't want it to be true."

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop the tears. Please help.

Cinny,

Sometimes I get confused so forgive me on the years. I think him calling is a good thing, and I hope that the talk was pleasant. I think one of the biggest things someone your H's age fears is being made fool of. In a sense you have already done that, but it is the old

"fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

thing I fear. I think one of the things he will need to see is that YOU have changed via this process. I don't mean you now remember you love him, or that you have "always loved him". I think what he needs to see is a change in your maturity, how you see him, how you see yourself, how you see marriage, and that means he will need to see as well as hear what you have learned and how it has affected you.

I think you need to realize what this has taken out of him, and recontacting OM really destroyed his faith in...HIMSELF. You understand that he might not trust you, but what you may not understand is that he does not trust himself with regards to you. Hence the fear of being made a fool of again.

As I said earlier I think your list is a good start, and I hope that the list has translated into action items that you can point to now and in the future so that these are not just words. But, really I think ultimately there needs to be a deep understanding of yourself that comes out of this. A deep understanding of WHO YOU ARE and WHO YOU WANT TO BECOME.

Cinny, if you can achieve such understanding you will have achieved alot, and I think it will help your chances for this marriage and certainly any future relationships you may have if this marriage does fail.

Frankly, I think that if you do or have achieved such understanding, you should call your H and ask him to meet you in person. Don't use the "we have to talk", but rather suggest or say you have come to realization about yourself that you want the share with him. That will take the pressure off of him, and it will set the stage for you to open up to him about how you view yourself, what you have learned and how you plan on living your life.

He may ask "why are you telling me?" and the answer is simple. He needs to understand the woman he is divorcing and KNOW her, rather than the woman he married or the woman you were a year ago. He needs to know what you have learned, what your goals are, and why he should think carefully about this divorce.

You two are both relatively young, and you two are still growing and maturing, and thus you two would have to and will have to change your relationship even if the A had not occured.

Focus on what YOU have learned from this and how it will shape your future relationships. And point out you still do not want this divorce, but the least you can do is explain to him who he is now divorcing.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

The friend that he is staying with is actually trying to get him to think about what he is doing, and is not encouraging him to dump me. His friend also told me that in a Bible study he went to last week, God only allows for divorce when there is no remorse. Clearly, I am eternally sorry for what I have done (which my H believes), so that means, according to this in-depth study of the verse ... the Bible doesn't say he has every right for a divorce.

This is not to say that I place any of the responsibility on my H. Yes, we had huge problems in our M and we weren't happy. But ultimately, I made the decision to do something about it...the completely wrong thing. I know that. That is why I am taking the responsibility to fix it.

Yes, his friend is about ten years older and has gone through a D himself.


I am only telling you what my H's friend got out of a Bible study led by a well-known pastor (that my H knows) and what my H's friend told him.

The problems that we had -- not knowing how to communicate, not meeting each other's needs, not spending enough time with each other, etc ... they were there before we got married but a lot, we just didn't realize. It wasn't until we were married and never had any sex that we realized that we had things we needed to work on. But we didn't know how.

This does not mean that I have to give up fighting for my marriage.


You can read previous posts to find the answer to that question.

Of course, I would like to say yes to that question, because the situation isn't reversed. I don't know what it is like to be the BS, so I don't know what I would do in that situation. But I am doing my best to try and understand what he is feeling, and use that to better our marriage.


That is work I am willing to do.

[quoteThis does not mean that I have to give up fighting for my marriage. [/quote]

Do NOT give up.

Give it 100% of your efforts.

It the marriage fails then at least you can say "you earned your way out, Dr Phil."

Don't give up, if you do, your husband will see this and he will lose any hope he may have himself.

Good Luck

Cindy,

If my ex-wife had shown just 1 percent of what you have been showing in attempting recovery I never would have gotten divorced. I guarantee you that most of the betrayed spouses would have given anything to see their wayward spouses act the way you have been acting. It is sad so few act this way and even sadder that your husband does not seem to offer you a chance. I wish you luck.

Cinny, would your husband consider talking with me either here on MB or via my Yahoo email account?

You can tell him I would be willing to talk to him as a brother in Christ, despite the fact that my youngest son is his age.

Also, would he be willing to go to Joint CHRISTIAN Marital Counseling with you? If so, I will give you a link to the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors. You can do a search for counselors in your area. If there are some near where you live, you could check to see if they have an opening. Most of them provide the counseling for free, as a part of their ministry.

Here's the link: National Association of Nouthetic Counselors

Now, a word about the following:

His friend also told me that in a Bible study he went to last week, God only allows for divorce when there is no remorse. Clearly, I am eternally sorry for what I have done (which my H believes), so that means, according to this in-depth study of the verse ... the Bible doesn't say he has every right for a divorce.

Jesus Christ clearly states in the Scripture that "Marital Unfaithfulness" is grounds for divorce and that a Betrayed Spouse who later marries after such a divorce does not, by marrying another person, commit adultery themselves.

BUT, God "hates" divorce and it should be the last resort, not the first resort. God's "ministry" is about forgiveness and reconciliation, not divorce because of unfaithfulness. We are ALL guilty in God's eyes and only found "not guilty" because of what Christ did FOR us. Once our sins are covered by Christ's blood, we are forgiven and restored to fellowship with God. Once that is done, we begin the process of Sanctification, that is, conforming our lives to Christ-likeness. It's a process that takes our entire lifetime, and when we "mess up" along the way, God stands ready to forgive us when we repent and confess to Him.

God stands ready to take your flawed and broken marriage, because He is a part of your marriage COVENANT, and rebuild it as you both surrender your lives to Him.

Cinny, please believe me when I tell you that I fully understand your husband's reaction and his seeming determination to proceed with a divorce. Having lived through the nightmare myself, I understand the far-reaching devastation that it has wrought in his heart, and soul, and mind. BUT, God is in the business of healing and restoration when there seems to be no hope. ONLY by refusing God and hardening one's heart can God's "business" be defeated, because God will not "force" Himself on anyone.

Cinny, YOU are going to have to make some "life changes." I hope the pamphlets I sent you will be helpful, but I have to tell you that your previous response to my earlier post seemed to be saying that "you have all the answers" and will "argue" your position. If your husband is "hearing" anything remotely like that, he will not hear anything else you have to say, no matter what you think. The ONLY thing, from your standpoint, that he needs to see and the only thing that will have any chance of reaching him is complete remorse and complete acceptance of the affair "blame." It matters not what you think in "hindsight" caused the affair. He lived the same "hindsight" and did not commit adultery...that is all that he sees and knows and any attempt to "blame" anything for the affair will be seen as an attempt to avoid responsibility. There will time enough in the future to discuss "causitive factors," but right now, RESUSITATION of the corpse is needed before any healing can be attempted.

Trust seems to be the issue and the motivation for his seeing no alternative but a divorce. Trust IS the issue and you need to understand that. It does not matter about anything else, from your husband's perspective. What he is thinking is, "if I can't trust her, what point is there in being married? Possibly 50 or more future years together with someone who can't be trusted when things get rough?"

Cinny, please understand that neither one of you is in a position to do this alone. You both NEED professional, trained, Christian counseling to help you through the tough times and to reorient your lives to Christ. You are both too involved emotionally with the devastation of the affair and the contacts to "think clearly." Nevermind if you think "I can think clearly," because you can't. You may think so, just a like someone in the fog of an affair thinks they know what's best and how to handle things, but you don't. This is a time for GUIDANCE for both of you, not independent leadership.

Again, both you and your husband should restrict your "counseling" to Christian counseling and reliance on God. God can take all the bad things that happen in our lives and use them to work for good in our lives as we humbly submit to following Him.

God bless.

My H and were in counseling for a while. The MC was recommended by our church. Clearly, that did not seem to help much.

I have sent him e-mails about coming here to MB, but I don't know that he has read them. I can give you his e-mail address, though. It is [email]mws1230@hotmail.com.[/email] Good luck with that.

And thank your honesty.

Alyson,


I still think there are things about which you are not being forthcoming in your posts. You don’t make any mention of the 10 months of counseling between the affair and this summer, during which I was giving 110% to making our marriage work, and at times, ran into much defensiveness and stubbornness on your part, when you were the offending party in the situation. Also, you never seem to want to tell anyone that YOU came to ME at the beginning of the summer and said that you felt like splitting up was the best option, that you simply weren’t attracted to me, and that you could never see me as the father of your children. At that point, I thought about what you had said, and agreed with you. You also make no mention of your irrational and disrespectful behavior in the week following that. I was NOT the one who approached you and said I wanted a divorce, and it was only after you came to me with that journal entry, and then freaked out during that week, that I became withdrawn and stopped working like I had been.

Also, a few people in the forum seem to think that you only called Casey once, when in fact it was over a period of two months, while we were still in counseling on a regular basis. And, similarly to the way in which I found out about the affair, I uncovered your phone calls when I started to feel that something wasn’t right, again. Had I not, it’s probably fair to say that you would still be calling him, and possibility trying to make arrangements to see him. (?) I guess my main issue is that you still don’t seem to want to own up to what you did. You want all these people to see your efforts right now, but you don’t want to talk about the YEAR of counseling we have had, during which, at many times, you did very little. It seems that only in the most desperate and dire of circumstances do you kick into action. I know I am not perfect, and that I have not always met all your needs. I have had trouble opening up to you, and have had interests and a work life that have created distance between us. I have always been willing to look critically at myself, and do my best to make adjustments where necessary.

Also, I read the entire His Needs, Her Needs book, but haven’t finished Love Busters or Surviving an Affair yet. Everyone in the forum seems to be offering helpful and thoughtful advice, but you have not been completely honest with them about exactly how things happened.

There is more on my mind, but this is the best I can do at the moment.

mws,

I believe a welcome is in order. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am so glad you have come to post here, and even happier to see that you have been doing some reading.

So I guess the first order of business is to ask how can we help you? I understand given all that has transpired and what you have added to this, that you are reluctant to jump into the pool again for fear it is in fact empty.

However, I must ask this question. IF, and I realize it is a big IF your efforts were or could be successful, what is your vision of a marriage you would have with Cinny? Just a thought experiment to start this discussion.

You also mentioned there is more on your mind. Please share it when you are feeling ready to do that. I do look forward to hearing from you again, and I do hope that perhaps many of the issues remaining in your marriage can be resolved.

God Bless,

JL