K72,

""How do I start this conversation?""

How about sitting down and start composing the letter first. Work on the letter, rip it up, and start another, until you have exactly what you want to say in the letter.

Then reread the letter for about an hour.

NOW...you could either leave an unfinished copy of the letter where he could find it and when he asks what it is THEN you can start the conversation...

Or grab him by the throat, lift him 2 feet off the ground and slam him into a chair and say "OK Bub, you listen to me and listen GOOD, cause I got something to say"!!

Anyway you start the conversation, by rereading the letter so much the words will flow automatically from your mouth, like learning your lines in a play.

I know it is terrifying thinking of starting the conversation, but like pulling off the band-aid, do it fast and quickly.

It will then be over and, oh my, what a weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

GOD BLESS YOU!! You are in my prayers.

k

((((((K)))))
I've been thinking about you...today is Saturday. Did you have your conversation yet? When my WH gets home from Puerto Rico I think I need to have a similar conversation with him. The thought of it just makes my stomach turn. Its been quite while he has been gone and peaceful in the house. When he got back from his trip the last time I really hoped he would make a committment to me and work on the marriage but he did not. When its quite it seems there no real reason for him to go....except one. He won't give me a good reason why he should stay. I have to accept that he may never make the decision on his own without extreme motivation. He has made himself comfortable sitting on the fence.

Please let me know how you are doing even if you didn't have the conversation yet. If you did...good for you...lets talk about how you feel. If you didn't I have some questions. These are the same questions I ask myself.

1) What's the worst thing that can happen?
2) What will happen if I do nothing?
3) How will this affect my family 1 & 2?
4) Is this how I would want my daughter to be treated?
5) How much more of my time, my family's time do I want to spend like this.

I believe my WH will choose to leave to avoid the "hassel" of working on the M. I don't think I will jump into plan B right away. After he leaves , I think I will plan A for a little while then go to plan B. I know myself pretty well...I don't know that I would have the discipline required to plan B as soon as he leaves.

K, we are all flawed..and until we are tested we don't know our true strength. I'm betting you are stronger than you realize.

K,
How are you?

So sorry.....Have not had the time to thank you all.

I have been making myself sick over this whole thing this weekend..........I don't know why it is so hard for me to face my WH and just tell him how I feel.

Perhaps this is one of the many reasons he felt compelled to cheat on me.......I'm a chronic avoider.

You are all in the right about this. Tonight, I was just about asleep, when thoughts of a funeral 2 years ago washed over me......WH's boss had died at a very young age.

I thought of the service, and afterward. Couldn't figure out why WH left me alone with a ton of people that I didn't know - well, of course, OW was there.

WH's immediate supervisor snubbed me when I offered words of condolence. And at that moment I looked over to see my WH with a look of delight on his face (obviously at the snub). The total, overwhelming embarrassment I felt.

This is just one of the things that I look back on now.......these thoughts come out of no where......and they overtake me.

And I know why.....it's because I haven't stood up for myself, and I am letting all this stress internalize.

No more. God give me the strength to speak my piece.....and and to continue with inner strength that comes from Him.

I've been looking in myself for inner strength, and I have known all along that it comes from God.

I'm feeling much better now........my stomach doesn't hurt any more, and my headache is gone. Thank you Confused, for your thoughts and care.

Also Mel, bb, Krusht, NMDreams, and neak. With your support, my inner puddle is beginning to get.

I'm not putting it off any longer.......

Pray for me.

K,

I know how you feel. BTDT. The queeziness in our gut is a physical reminder of how internalize our feelings and stress. Not healthy by any means.

When you get a chance, please read Suzet's thread. It is very enlightening.

Find your inner strength K. It's there. It wants out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Hugz,
L.

Thanks, Orchid..........

This morning I am feeling much better. I talked to WH.

He was leaving for work. I told him I needed to talk to him. He sat down quietly. He knew what I was going to say, I'm sure.

I told him that I knew all the ways he could keep talking to OW. That about 3 weeks after he returned home this last time he started talking to her again. That's when he changed and stopped putting any effort into our M. I said I did not know how much he was seeing her......that he's pretty much a free agent when he is at work.

But that I knew how much he was talking to her. He said that he was not talking to her very much.......but I said "3 hours on a phone card is not what I would call 'not very much', and that is just what I know of on the phone card. And any amount of contact is too much - and every time you talk to her, you are betraying me."

I told him I would no longer live a life of lies and silence. That I would not turn a blind eye to his betrayal. That if he could not stay away from OW, he needed to leave.

I told him that I would much rather live the rest of my life alone than live like this.

He still had nothing to say. He didn't get angry. He actually looked pretty sad.

He just called and asked if I was going to work today.....that if I wasn't, he would stay home with me.

But, alas, I have to go to work. He's trying to smooth this over.......but I will not let it go - or go on this way.

I told him that I wanted to live my life with honesty and integrity - these things I learned from him. And that he would not be happy until he was true to himself.

Then he started with his "You just don't hear what I'm saying.....I'm not a happy person. I never have been." All stuff he's said before. Blame and justification.

I told him happiness was a choice.

Anyway, I do ramble on. But my stomach doesn't hurt, and my head doesn't ache. I feel much better, and much stronger. This is a learning situation - learning about what I REALLY do have inside me.

I'm not gonna let this go....

Thanks to God.....and you all for your support.

Thanks, Orchid..........

I went to Suzet's thread. Very helpful. And exactly what has dawned on my poor brain. I wish it could have been posted here when I first started coming here.

Failure to expose, failure to find your inner strength and do what is right for YOU, gains you nothing.

I was afraid that if I took a stand for myself against the A, that I would lose my H. When, in fact, I had already lost him. And he's still lost to me to this day.

Oh! Look at the time! Guess I'd better go to work!

K

((((K))))
I'm so proud of you!!! I know that was so hard to do but you did IT!!!!! Don't let him back you out of it! When is he actually leaving? Keep standing up for yourself don't let WH comfort you...you're right he is trying to smooth it over so things don't change.

You said something that you would rather live alone without him. If you do I'm sure you will get to know a pretty amazing person, who is strong, caring, smart, fiesty, honest, loyal and fun. YOU. You've been denying your own instinct, doubting your judgement, beating yourself up and taking responsibility for WH actions. Its time to take care of yourself...you deserve some TLC.

I hope you have a good day!

Hi Confused!

I'm at work right now......bad, bad me!

When is WH leaving? Looking back, I think I kind of (unfortunately) left it open-ended.

My thought is that he will not leave - because I just didn't tell him to go.

But, he will certainly get the message. But I will not let him comfort me.........I'm onto his tricks.

Indeed, he was crying when he left this morning, and was still crying when he called me a little later........it did not bother me.

I plan on having a great day......one without stomach pain, and head ache!

Thanks for your support in this, Confused.

K

I will be talking to my WH tonight. He has agreed to leave but still is home fence sitting all summer. He has had opportunities to leave even found a campground and paid for a site for the month of August. (He plans to live in our RV). Some excuse keeps cropping up...but being out of the country for 15 days is valid, but he could have moved his stuff out before. I'm gonna have to give him a nudge.

I posted earlier to you Confused........but it has disappeared!

I just wanted to say, you have my support, and I do so appreciate yours.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

K,
Good for you. You are taking the first steps on your true journey for YOU.

Stay the course as you are determined to do. Read SAA again as to the steps your H needs to take to ensure NC and work on himself and the M. H has a long way to go on HIS journey.

Hang in there, you should be proud of yourself. Good going.

Thanks, Anne.....

WH asked me last night if I was still in love with him. I told him I was still very much in love with him, but did not love what he has become (a WH).

He said he is taking next week off from work. I asked him why, and he said because he wanted to. I don't know what his plans are. I think he's probably going to mope around so that I will feel sorry for him, and let this all slide.

The thing that goes over and over in my mind about our conversation yesterday is how easily WH broke into lies when I asked him how much he had been talking to OW.

He seems to be able to lie to me with the greatest of ease. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He asked how I slept last night....and I said "Aside from a few hot flashes, I slept great!" And he did not look very pleased. I think he slept rather poorly last night.

And he was SOOOOOO very upset with me this morning when he left and I didn't fall all over him with "I LOVE YOU". I just said "Bye! Have fun at work!"

He left, then came back. Walked in and said "I love you too!" with his "angry face" on.

It's funny, but every step I take toward my personal strength just makes it easier to go on to the next step.

And I so very WILL NOT back down again.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

K, what happened to Plan B? I thought that was the plan?

Why not pack his clothes, change the locks and deliver him a letter? How much longer will you choose to live like this, K? He is not going to end his affair [he doesn't HAVE to and knows this] and he is not going to move out unless you make it happen. When will you make it happen?

Hi Mel.....

Yes, Plan B is the plan.

Right now, I'm watching WH's actions.....they seem to be following the same course, as I expected.

Thinking about it, I guess I am following the same course.....allowing WH's actions to dictate mine. And I know that right now he is feeling bad....because he was caught AGAIN. Bad pattern.

But apparently it takes me a long time to learn this $hit. And that WH will use this pattern again to continue his A pattern. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So, I know that is not going to happen AGAIN.

I will write out the letter Steve H. dictated to me, and will deliver it tonight.

Thank you for the rebuke, oh wise one! I've got to quit playing the "song of fools" in my head. (And please know, that I'm not being sarcastic, I mean this from the bottom of my heart!!!! We conflict avoiders should listen and act on the advice of the many "wise ones" here.....it would certainly lessen our grief and turmoil!!)

My natural instincts are to romanticize everything, idealize everything, and dream of the way it should be.

But I will do a 180 on myself, and step up to the plate!

BATTER UP!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

K

K...you go girl...you sound good.Do you think WH will leave on his own after you give him the letter?
K:"Its great you have a week off you'll have plenty of time to move your stuff and settle into a new place"

WH: New Place? I was gonn mope around here for a while.

K: Won't it be great to mope in your new place any time you want. I think I have to air this place out there's a smell. can't quite figure it out.

WH: what smell?

K:oh your probably use to it, I'm sure you're new place will smell too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good girl! You have watched his actions long enough; there is nothing new there to see. Time to take back control of your life. And I know you know this.

I know you are worried about the explosion, K, but the temporary explosion is preferable to dying a death of a thousand cuts. And that is what he is doing. He is chipping away, chipping away, chipping away at you until he has you completely torn down. If you don't stop it, you only have yourself to blame. Don't be a volunteer!


otherwise known as "conflict avoidance. " <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your birthday is in Sept or Oct, isn't it?

Hi Mel and Confused.......

Yeah, I'm a chippy.....or should I say "chipee", because WH is certainly a "chipper"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My birthday is in October. And I am soooo true to my sign!

I'm not too worried about the explosion......at this point it just same old, same old........it's what I expect.

His asking me last night if I was in love with him was actually him trying to decide who loves him more - me or OW....or if I'm worth the trouble. He will take the path of least resistance. He's been doing that for 4 years now.......why change?

Plan B.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Follow Steve's instructions to the letter.

Why would you pay all that money for his expert advice and then not follow it?????

Taking next week off of work is the perfect time for him to move.