Oh boy, me thinks I have been posting 2 2 2 much to C42. LOL!!! She is starting to get good at this RB stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

K,
How are you today?

Hi confused.....

I'm doing great. WH on the other hand, not so well.

I talked to him again. He asked me if I really was in love with him. I said "Truthfully? I'm really in love with the man you used to be." Why was he asking me that???? My only thought is that he is weighing his options - who is loving him more (in his mind)- me or OW. What would be his best deal.

He got very angry at that. I told him he needed to leave, I was not going to live like this anymore.

Know what he did? He went in and laid on the bed. And that half hour I waited I thought he was packing.

So, he didn't leave.....nothing's changed. DD said she thinks he's crazy. She told me it would be good for him to leave me alone for at least 6 months - "You will probably discover that you don't even LIKE him anymore!"

He simply acts like nothing happened. Nothing.

So, it looks like I'm going to have to literally kick him out.

And I don't think I'll have any problem doing that.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

k,
just a quick thought.............I've been following your story.

What would happen if you moved out???? Maybe you wouldn't want to live in that house anymore either..............hmmmmmmmm

I'm just thinking. He'd have to deal with all the house stuff on his own and you would be able to "concentrate" on "YOU" without having to deal with the house and things concerning the house.

hugs
bb

BB has a kind of neat idea. It would be very liberating for you. Additionally, it would a new spin on the Plan B's of the past. It would be a 180 in that he hasn't seen that from you before and it might show him how serious you are about changing this way of life for good.

I think you are working--but maybe take some vacation time and go somewhere you have always wanted to go. Aren't you a quilter? There are probably quilt shows going on in some place you would like to see and you could take classes and meet new people and just "clean the palate." Your H sounds like he needs a good swift kick...

The nice thing is that you are really seeing him objectively and separate from you. YOU are NOT responsible for HIS actions--very freeing, isn't it?

Hi bb.....

I have thought of that myself, but I can't afford to move into a different place right now. Besides, the furniture, piano, and most everything else is paid for by me.

I will not leave any of it behind.

Besides, our home is 65 miles from where WH works, and just 2 blocks from where I work.

What do you think of my "weighing his options" theory? DD has the same theory. She says "It's ALWAYS just all about HIM".

She's right.

K

Hi Anne.....

I like your idea too! Wish I had some vacation time left, and some money to go along with it.

Your idea of a "quilting" vacation would be great!!!

And yes, WH does need a good swift kick, but I think it needs to be delivered to the head, not the hiney!

k,

why is it that many in your situation say: I can't afford to move out???? I don't get it, k.
Will "Divorce" make your finances better????
I'm talking about getting a furnished little appartment or even moving into a hotel. Here, they make special offers when you take it for abit of a longer time.

Do you really think it's important to "get out of the house" with your furniture, piano..............and and and.
Does that really matter to you???? Is a piano this important for you right now????

If it is, you WS knows that and he will not understand the world if you react differently and leave without the things that are important..........think about this!!!!!

Can't you imagine the "affect" it will have on your WS??? This would honestly be a total 180 for you and your husband would see how "serious" you are. It would be a totally unpridictable behaviour from your side.

Do you believe that he's sell your piano and furniture when you're out of the house??? I DON'T think he'd even think about that!!!!!! All these things would be "Memories & triggers" for HIM!!!!
He'd have to deal with seeing your things except "WITHOUT" you being present!!!!!

K................STOP looking for excuses!!!!!! You CAN afford to "get out" of the house!!!!! (and even find a place to stay in your area) If your husband can afford it, you can too!!!!!! You'd even be SAVING $$$$ if you live in a smaller place.

I think from what I have read, that you "think about your husbands thoughts" way too much and it's time for you "get away" from this!!!!!

If he doesn't move out..........you move out and let him deal with the house. This will probably keep him VERY busy!!! YOU will have time for yourself during all of this............something you have probably never learnt!!!!

K, LET GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let him live in the house full of "Shared memories" together with all the furniture and stuff!!!!

Give this a time limit and then you can think about what will happen with your stuff and talk with SH!!!!!!

bb

bb......

I think you are right. I need to let go of my typical way of thinking and behaving. It has never worked in the past, and it's not working now.

For tonight, I have plans. Something I have never done before.....girl's night out. It's gonna be fun!!!

K

K, I just caught up on your story. All I can say is that whether you move out or you stay, I truly believe you have got to get this very toxic WH out of your life. He is so pathetic at this point he is incapable of making any sort of a move. If you are so curious about why he is asking you if you are in-love with him, why don't you ask him? "H, I'm curious. Why the questions about if I'm in-love with you?" Then I'd ask him, "So H, are you in-love with me? Because frankly screwing OW for 4 yrs. doesn't feel like in-love behavior to me. It sure ain't making me feel very loved!"

K, you are so much better than this situation you are in. Don't be responsible for your M one minute longer. Give the responsibility to your H and go live your life without him. If he miraculously gets his sh** together, and you happen to still want him, then make him jump through fire to get you back. I like what your daughter had to say. HUGS! CV

Good Morning CV!

Yep, WH is a crack-head! Totally addicted!

I think he is so screwed up that he doesn't even know which head he's thinking with anymore.

I love your reverse babble.....wish I could think of this kind of stuff when WH let's loose with the lies that seem to roll off of his tongue. I must practice!

And when all is said and done, I am really thinking I am just about completely thru with this situation.

I am in love with my H. This dishonest jerk that is parading himself as my H has got to go.

And now, to help smooth things over, he gave me $200 to use "whatever way I want".

I just said "THANKS" with a very mischevious look on my face.

He just helped pay for "Girls' Night Out"!!!!!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Consider the 180 idea--have you read Michelle Weiner's Divorce Busting book? She also has a website. You are at the 180 at this point. YOu NEED to do something to break the pattern for yourself AND your H.

Hope you have a fun night out. Then you need to TAKE ACTION. I remember being in the spot you are in--always focused on what H says, what does it mean, what will he do, etc. etc. The reality is that right now, it doesn't matter. What does matter is taking some power and control back into your life and taking STEPS to distance yourself from him. From all you have told us here, your H has a very, very long journey ahead of him--even your D sees this. This is not a short term thing. IF he goes NC and agrees to checks and counseling and the whole nine yards, there is a long way to go here. He will need to be very truly motivated to keep going. That is what I believe has tripped him up in the past. He does what is needed to keep you. My H did the same damned thing. Until I changed completely from focus on him to focus on what I would live with--RIGHT NOW, not some future date he kept taking advantage. You MUST get strong and DO something. Just going out for tonight will help you feel better, but it won't do it for your M

Hi Anne......

Thanks for your reply. I have gotten out the book, and am reading up, as you suggested.

I am pi$$ poor at the 180s.....I'm far too reactive, and I will try to do better.

I did have fun on the night out. I just went because I have let my friendships all go during the past 4 years. My whole focus has been on WH and what he does and thinks. I need to remedy this.

I am certainly not the MB poster child......rather, the one for what not to do!

I need to discover my bottom line, and stick with it. Looking inward, I am in so much turmoil all the time that I have lost myself.

K