gladimadeit you said:<P>---------------------------------------------<BR>I can only promise you that the more honest you are with your answers (and if you don't know an answer tell him that) the less he will ask. <P>---------------------------------------------<P>Question is will he accept the I don't know the answer to that question as an answer? Or will it make him ask more questions about what happened and why I don't know the answer? I think he expects me to know all the answers as to why I did what I did and that I just have a hard time telling him what happened. Like I said I THINK that is what he feels (not 100% sure)<P>Maybe that would be something to ask the counselor if I could ever get one of the ones I would like to go to to call me back. I guess that's a project for Monday<BR>

Hopeful, I know what you are asking, and my H would sometimes get frustrated with me. Our counselor just said when it was too many questions we were to take time away from it, but to set up another time to start again. It's hard for me when my H says he doesn't really know the answer, but I now know when he says that he doesn't know the answer. He said it is now like a dream where he's watching from the outside, he can't believe what he did. It was like he became someone else during that time. I hope your H will read this. You both need to remember that it is difficult for both of you. But no matter if it hurts, you must tell the truth. The counselor can help you both with this.

Let me start by saying that my W and I must have been posting at the same time. I did not know until a few minutes ago that she had even replied. I will need to let her answers sink in before I respond to them.<P>trying2_4give -- There have been times when I have responded to posts by others where I was very forceful. I may be wrong, but it sounds to me like you were not so much offering an opinion as bashing my W. Yes my W made a lot of mistakes and did a lot of things wrong. So did I. It wasn't until after she walked on me that I was able to realize that I too had a great deal of responsibility for our problems. At that point in time, I did not realize the extent her parents played in everything.<P>Sheba -- I can recall many times in my life where I gave similar advice to what you have given my W. I don't know that I ever gave this advice in relation to infidelity or not, but I have always believed that we need to try and learn from our mistakes.<P>By the way Sheba, I want to apologize for being so sensitive yesterday. I know that you were only trying to help. Thank You.<P>hopeful -- I'm sorry that you feel you have to change overnight. I guess my thinking in this, and whether it is right or wrong, I don't know, is that most of the questions are to things which happened over a year ago. They are things we have tried to talk about before. I can understand thinking that I was asking the impossible if we had not talked about a given question. Does this make sense??<P>Sheba -- As I said at the beginnning this response, I did not know until a little while ago, that hopeful had even responded. I don't feel as though I am trying to force her into anything. I said in another thread somewhere that I had gotten to the point where I had stopped asking questions of her because I was not getting / had not gotten any response at all. It was as if my W wanted to just ignore the questions all together.<P>Sheba, I remember asking my W before she graduated from college, her response then was that she wanted to work in the hospitality industry (hotels). She applied for a desk clerk job at a local hotel once, but they only wanted to offer her a part time position. Other than that, I don't even have a clue what hopeful wants to "be." For me, I had done a lot of different types of work in my life. It was not until our daughter was born that I had to decide "what I wanted to be when I grew up."<P>hopeful -- I don't remember ever telling you that you were not detailed. There are times when I have known you to be extremely detailed. I think it is just a matter of commiting yourself to something that you truly enjoy and are interested in. That's the way it was for me when I was in school remember?<P>gladimadeit -- You really didn't ask anything specific, so all I can say is Thank You for responding.<P>hopeful -- I addressed the "urgency" question earlier, so I will leave that one alone.<P>I have forgiven you. I don't think I have really told you that, but I have. There are still days, times or incidents that make me do a "double take" and that may be something that takes me a long time to fully get over. There was a time when I checked you E-Mail account several times every day. I haven't even looked at that account for weeks.<P>You are right about one thing. I will not be able to "fully" process everything that has happened to my own satisfaction until I get answers. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but you have known that this is how I work for a long time.<P>Dazed and Confused -- Thank you for responding. I have always tried to be supportive of my W. I may not have always done a very good job, but I have tried. Yes we have better communication now than we probably ever had. I just wish it hadn't been at such a high cost.<P>gladimadeit -- From the day my W and I first got back together and began talking, I have asked for complete honesty. Yes sometimes the answers may hurt and be "not what you were looking for" but so many of our initial problems were based on either lack of communication or "partial" communication. I don't care what my W's answers are. I just need to know that they are 100% the truth. As you said, if the honest answer is "I don't know" then that is the answer I need.<P>hopeful -- my response to gladimadeit should answer most of your questions about how I would react if you answer was "I don't know". Many of the questions I have asked you in the past have been asnwered with "I'm just not ready to talk about XXXXXXXX yet." To me that is not an honest answer, that is an avoidance.<P>gladimadeit -- I can understand the possibility of "overload" and I am not asking for every question right this minute. I am more than willing to take things in "doses". The problem so far is that the last "dose" of information I got was more than 6 months ago.<P><BR>Well, it has taken me a while to try and respond to the posts from today. My W has commented twice since I started that I was writing a book. Maybe I am, but I wanted to be able to respond to everyone. Thank you all for you help, understanding and support.<P>God Bless<P>

Hi ES,<BR>We seem to have a lot in common. My H calls me the "Spanish Inquisition" and shuts me out. I know he probably doesn't have ready answers for me but I need HIM to talk to. He seems to feel that he is okay so I should be also. NOT! Some days I do okay, especially if I can be a "Stepford Wife". Other days I am a *****! Good to know there are others at the bottom of this well with me, comforting somehow. If you find a way to extract answers from your mate share with me and I will do the same. <BR>Hugs,<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

alleyoop -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you find a way to extract answers from your mate share with me and I will do the same.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I'm not really trying to extract answers from my W. I guess what I am trying to do is get her to give as much effort in the rebuilding process as I have. <P>I know she is trying, but I also know that she has put a lot of effort into hiding everything in the past. That makes it hard for both of us.<P>It is not my desire to hurt my W with my questions and insecurities. I only want us to get better. Unfortunately sometimes we have to get worse to get better. I hope that makes sense.<P>I wish you luck and will be praying that your H will open up to you more.<P>God Bless<BR>

ES and Hopefull,<BR>When I see the post that you both write I am filled with a multitude of feelings. <P>ES, Your pain for what you have endured is evident on these pages, but what is truely impressive is that you have come to see the light... You take a portion of the responsibility, you are able to forgive, You are compasionate toward your W ( and every one else on this post )and you want answers. You and I are similar I think, We want answers and we want them now. We want to "fix" this and move on towards better things. It is hard but one thing I keep telling myself that helps me to slow down when I'm in a rush to "fix" this is.... It took me almost 9 yrs to get to this point in my marriage with my W. I can't change this overnight and in time I will get my answers and hopefully the fixes will come by themselves and not be forced by me.<P>Hopeful, I am impressed with your honesty. You may not realize it but your replies ( in my view ) are honest and to the point. The fact that you are willing to talk about this shows a great deal. You answered all of ES's questions the best you could. Somewhere inside you I believe are the answers... You may not know what they are and hence " I don't know " comes out. As a man, I hate that answer.. But for now, until you know something concrete....thats ok. Don't come up with an answer just to have one because that isn't fair to you or your H. I know your in a lot of pain as well... but it sounds like you are dealing with it pretty well.<P>My point to this rambbling.... Nothing. I just felt that you two should know what someone else might see from the outside. I know the pain you are both going through ( moreso with you Empty Shell ) I too have had all my relationships end like yours. The difference now is that I love my W and will do anything to make it work. The pain on your post's is merly a shadow of your love for each other and in time you to will be happy and closer than ever.... I beleive that. Both of you should appreciate the other for the effort that you are showing together here on these posts. I am once again truely impressed. God bless and I know you will do fine<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger -- Thank you for your response. This is definately not an easy process for us to go through. There is pain and hurt feelings on both sides, and my goal is to eventually get past these feelings to a new and improved marriage. I truly believe that hopeful and I love each other enough to get past all this, and I know it will take time. It is something I hope we can do together in as short a time as possible. We simply have to continue working together.<P>This forum has been very good in allowing me to "understand" and I hope that my W feels the same. I also believe it gives us the oportunity to "air" our feelings in a way which allows both of us to learn. The ideas and input from everyone here have really help me to understand myself better, and I am beginning to understand my W in ways I had never considered before. Thank You All.<P>God Bless

Congratulations! You two have had a breakthrough! I know how important the answers are, and hopeful, you answered honestly. I assure you that for it will help ES tremendously. Will more questions come? I'm sure they will, but know that he will be able to further understand you, as well as his responses to you, in the process. <P>The I don't know answers don't go over well, but I think if you dig deep enough, you will find those answers also. It may take time. This process requires BOTH spouses to take a long look in the mirror...and sometimes we don't like what we see. But its the acknowlegement of these things and their affect on the marriage that are critical to rebuilding. I hope you are both able to continue to be honest to yourself and one another.<P>Good Luck and God Bless.<P>