Suzet,

I like you had never thought it was possible. I was secure in my faith (although I had really abandoned God....I talked the talk, but sure didn't walk the walk). I had high morals...I would never let an affair take place, I would exhaust all options to work on my marriage, and seperate only if we couldn't, then date one day after that....

Lo and behold, I have 3 surgeries within 6 months...the last one loosing my uterus at 27 years of age...all of a sudden I am feeling things I don't understand. Feeling so small, so alone. I meekly bring it up to H, but not directly - he doesn't hear me - and in my state of mind i feel smaller and less loved...this grows and grows and grows, until I am feeling the marriage was a mistake, H never loved me. A friendship with a man starts to bloom and we talk all the time - he is H's friend too. Within a month, feeling develop and an Ea is forms, within a few more weeks a PA takes place...he makes me feel loved and listens to me...as long as I am flirting or giving him sexual talk or SF. So the sexual part of the A is a must for me to feel loved or listened to.

What happened to miss high moral? I get out of my A and out of the fog and I am suicidal - I let my morals down, I became the person I used to look down upon...I was a piece of crap. I don't deserve my H, I don't deserve my family - they would be better off without me...God picks me up and tells me He still loves me and will forgive me if I just ask. And so begins recovery with God by my side.

6 months of recovery - H - acts like his is morally better, he could never cross that line....has a shot with a young woman early on - turns her down - see? He could never have an affair - it's not in him. Can't understand how I could...gets angrier and angrier over 6 months....starts to visit single forums for support. Gets even more angry - now sees the whole marriage as a mistake, that I could have never loved him, feels so small and so unloved, relating things in the marriage - blowing small things into big turning points within the marriage...rewritting - I getting very scared as this looks all to familiar to me. H meets someone, I catch a text message and confront him. H tells me he has to choose between a crappy future with me, or a good one with her as she will never hurt him...then tells me he will stay and tell her nothing can be....a week later he asks me for a seperation, and his A becomes a PA after we seperate...what happened to all Mr, HIgh Morals? He confesses 4 weeks later and we start recovery again.

The truth is - even if you think it could NEVER happen to you - all it takes is the RIGHT combination of events and negative thinking and entitlements and it CAN happen to you...and you would be foolish to believe it couldn't because you have turned down all opportunitites in your life up to this point. I am with Suzet - ONLY God can keep you doing the right thing. And with God in your life, then you stand a chance at defence when all the conditions in your life are right for the appearence of an A.

Very true...there is so many factor's that can lead up to this. As you've said, the RIGHT combination of certain things.


DITTO! Thanks for sharing with me Dorry.

Your sister in Christ, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Suzet

Suzet, dorry, you think I could have an affair ?

Bob

I would like to think you never would....as the circumstances in your life would prove you could have left, had one, and never did...

But once again, I stand by what I say, that all it would take is the right mix Bob - you not talking to God anymore or having faith in Him (and I KNOW it's your faith and God that has done these wonders in your marriage and given you such strength), Squid acting like she did early on, maybe a job loss, I don't know what YOUR right mix would be.

But to be honest Bob - as long as you are keeping God where he is in you life, and continue to lay things at the cross, I don't think you would - I think God would help you out of the hole if you ever fell into it.

I just think it's naive to say someone never could...while it may be they never will, as their lives will never produce the right combination of events for them to become weak enough in the right way....it doesn't mean they never could if that combination arised....

but that's just my 2cents <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bob, I also would like to think that you never would… After the nightmare you’ve been through by your W’s betrayal and the fact that you are now very “sensitized” to A’s (as all other BS’s and FWS’s who are affected by infidelity), I think the chances that you will ever get involved in an A is very, very small…almost ZERO, but I don’t want to use the word NEVER because I’ve learned to never say “never”.

Remember, most A’s happen to people who initially lack boundaries and knowledge (about dangers and the dynamics of opposite sex involvements) and usually become “sensitized” to A’s only AFTER they have been affected by infidelity themselves. For example, while I had the friendship with FOM, I didn't think of it as inapproriate or even emotional betrayal at the time, although I felt "uneasy" about it. I've gained full insight & understanding in inappropriate friendships and EA's after I've discovered this (and other) websites and forums.

Bob, the fact that you know the dynamics of A’s now and have obtained much wisdom and insight through this whole painful process, AND the fact that you are a believer and child of God, are the things which make me further believe that chances are small that you will ever get involved in an A. BUT it doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t ever get tempted in one or other time in your life (even the children of God get tempted and tested by the Devil), but then it will be up to YOU to not act on the temptation (which I believe you will be able to do).

Blessings,
Suzet

Dorry - I could have said this!! Plus my immaturity, my selfishness, my fear, willful refusal to grow up and face my demons... the list could go on.

In fact, H and I just came back from a MC session today in which we basically agreed that before my A, H had more or less given up on ever having a better M, after trying for years.

He had lectured, pestered, etc, till he was blue in the face to try to 'make me' communicate better, be less emotionally reactive, to properly deal with issues and not avoid them.... to no avail. I just got more and more defensive and 'stuck', and my self esteem got lower and lower - plus I resented him for his lectures. I felt unloved, unsexy, powerless. I thought he had a communication problem too because he had a hard time empathising. He only saw his own pain (of which there was plenty). On the inside I started to panic that we were doomed. On the outside I threw myself into my work, friends and hobbies. I had some strange ideas about relationships, gleaned from friends, family, pop culture etc.

Yes, I had plenty of options. I just failed to see that my weaknesses, particulary my fears and low self-esteem, were dominating my thinking and clouding all rational judgment. I was sleepwalking. I cringe at the person I became there for a while.