smart don't ask him anything. no relationship talk

big wave- are you and your wife still together? Did she leave? and how long were you seperated?

Winter- Believe it or not we've only been seperated for 2 weeks, but she has been absent in the home for months. It is extremely hard, not to LB, but I have been doing better lately. It may have been a huge mistake but it was my 16daughters idea to pack her stuff, because she was fence sitting for so long. WW is living with him in a shack, and theres already trouble in paradise, as my wife is a extremly independent woman, and OM is a dominerring control freak. I told her the door isn't shut, so when and if you find out that the grass isn't greener come on home. I plan on doing this for up to 6 months I suppose.

Winter- how is everything going? just curious, as we have to stick together and support each other. My situation is hard, as she is living with OM down the street. Needless to say I keep the blinds closed on that end of my home. I spoke with WW last evening and she asked how I was doing, and replied I'm doing ok, she said well I'm not. So hopefully I won't LB anytime soon. Hang in there

OK winterkisses....


sorry about yesterday ..I had plans with the kids..and if anyone saw some insane woman at the zoo yelling come back here...where's junior....don't feed that BEAR!!
yep....that WAS me...nice to meet you....

anywhooooo......

you need some space also from this to see the insanity....
of your own emotions and feelings...
you have been running on the same ones....and it's time to change your attitude about this...and this whole thing will take on a totally different spin...one in which you will feel and see how much control you have...

This is not about him CHOOSING you...
not at all...
infact this guys track record is ALL about making really really bad choices...so bad that he just keeps digigng himself deeper in to them...
this is not about him choosing...
it is about you demonstrating good choices AND rewarding goog choices....

so he's choosing the pop-psyche babble catch phrase of the day...
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE...
cool
cause your approach is give him what he wishes for...

so I suggest no contact for a few...
but no contact with a twist...

first of all how long do you think he would really go without contacting you??
one day
two days
three days..
a whole weekend...what is your best guess that he would be able to go without contact...

figure that out then work it...

I suggest that you DO NOT contact him...
I suggest that you DO NOT pick up the phone if he calls..

will he email ..
if so shoot back replies that are short and evasive but very friendly...that leave him with ability to blame you for anything...

don't have any contact that you can't control to upbeat short and sweet...

will he leave messages...if so return messages ONLY when you know he wouldn't be able to answer and you leave only messages...

also is there anyway you can go away for the weekend or even just overnight Saturday...
I think you need to show some independance here...

Also can you find some object in your home that he would desire...and MAIL it to him...at work...at a relatives...with a short sweet note...
was cleaning out the basement found this..knew you would want it with you...FONDLY winterkisses...

imagine if he got this item monday or tuesday aften no contact for those days...with him NOT knowing where and what you are doing....

imagine the note being without blame...
couldn't say you weren't giving him space
couldn't say you were smothering as the note is as platonic as one to auntie sue....yet the intimacy and the connection lays in the object itself...even if it is an old baseball cap...

answer every phone call with an upbeat voice..no matter the time...

put a smile in your voice act very surprised it is him and say...
Oh it's YOU ...how funny..I had just picked the portable up to take outside with me...as I am waiting for some one to call...

who he will ask...

ooh just a friend....talking about some upcoming events we want to go to...some wine tasting...

what friend
what wine tasting

oh nothing much....it's just in the early stage..so why did YOU CALL ???????????????????????

be friendly
be evasive
YOU end the call...
If he asks for anything tell him you need to CHECK YOUR SCHEDULE
you might have plans but it sounds lovely
etc
etc
etc

can you see it...
can you?????????????????????????????????

crap he lives with a woman who accepts a married man with CHILDREN in her home..she is already tainted tainted good...
no one would sleep well at night knowing the person sleeping in their home cause gREAT anguish to children..

YOU become the illusive woman
the interestesting woman
the woman with charm and laughter...

share funny little stories that happened to you...
short ones...then say gotta run love....

can you see it...

ready to go for the acadamy award???

when he does contact you what does he usually want?????
that's where this plan starts...

ARK

Thanks Big wave and Ark baby! I had an interesting evening-
I told you guys I am goin to a counslor at 8pm on Wed. - well I get home yesterday and am fixing dinner for kids before time for me to leave- guess who shows up at door?? My WH- he comes in says hi and im going to mow the lawn and clean yard. Im like ok- so mu oldest son is out there with him - I diddnt go out there I stayed inside until they were done. I told my son great job and thanked wh for coming to mow lawn. (mind you this is after the blowup on Tuesday- when im like im done with this - im moving on)He started talking about his job how much he hates it and that he wants to transfer from way out where hes at (near her house)He starts talking about how hes short on money etc. that he has no time to do anything except to work, etc. to the one that is 6 blocks from our house. Hmmmmmmm.....I just listened did not offer to fix anything for him - just said I think you are on the right track....
He comes in the kids were eating ( I still have no appetite) he asked could I fix a plate for him- I did.
I got ready to leave- I told Daughter Ill be back about 11-11:30 and could I use her cell phone(I was going to call and make sure he had left when appt over) Do you know when I came back at 10- he was still there?????
I was cool- He said I looked very good (the weight is coming off due to stress). so I went and changed into my gown (a sexier one ive had for a long time- nothing revealing)- he says oh I know you just bought that one- its new- whats going on)I said you never know- he says I'm watching you- somethings going on. whatever.....
Then he said ive got to go- he kissed me and said do you remember this is like when we first dated and I would take you home and have to leave. I said yeah
Hello- is he noticing me or is he just you know (lonely) ?
Things are not as they should be at love shack???

He notices EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

consider NO contact till sunday..
be illusive
busy
but charming.......

none today none tomorrow...
and plans for the whole night day on Saturday...

don't you think that it would drive him NUTS not to KNOW where you are...

what do you think..
I don't know him at all...

ARK...and take the OP factor out of this..she is a bundle of disrespect....give her no thought...her actions dig her own grave....

Winter-very good on your evening. The nightgown was a hit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Personally I listen to WW, but I'm not hanging hope on anyhting just yet, and I'm not "reacting" as well. Sometimes I think they oush buttons to get a reaction, and usually knowing us it's not a good one. Keep it up!!!
I hope my darling wife will come out of her fog, as I know she is in a living situation that isn't ideal, but knowing her she will try her hardest to make it work to spite me.

ok... the kids and I are going to be busy this weekend - as one of my classes starts Saturday (statisics) and I go 2 nights a week fulltime til 10pm and work full time. So the time to see or be seen will be taken down a lot. The kids back to school after labor day and definately time is shorter then.

One qustion- Why is he telling me he is trying to get transferred closer to us instead of him staying out there by her. Is that just to get reaction from me or what?

big wave ((((((hugs)))))
we are going to come out of this better....

why are you focusing on ANYTHING he says...

why winterkisses...you are driving yourself to distraction..

why did he say that
why did he say that
why why why....

who CARES what he says right now....

focus on you making the time with him pleasant and charming..
focus on YOU making him FEEL good with YOUR interactions...

his mouth is open..you hear blah blah blah..

flirt with him A LITTE from a far
(like last night very very good....)

MIX all that busy scheduled time with some spontainious things for you and the kids as well..
don't schedule yourself so that he KNOWS where you are and it's ALL business...

the question he should be askings..
where's winterkisses
what is SHE up to
wonder what SHE is doing...
all the while drawing him towards you....

why did he wear that colored shirt today??
why did he eat that for lunch??
why did he put on that TV show..
why
why
why

you will become crazy if you feed the monster of these silly questions...

he's moving here or that...
splendid darling...sounds smashing!!!!!!!!...bat eyes flip hair...then move on ....

ARK

(((((((((((chuckle))))))))))))
Your right- I am the star of the show not the co-host....Im stepping up to the mike and .............its the Winterkisses show!

Winter- I need to follow arks advice as well. The other night I caught my daughter looking out the window at where WW is shacking up and I told her don't do that, it will just make you hurt. Try to think about her looking out her window at what she is giving up for OM. I spoke with WW this morning and she confirmed just that scenario. So I will keep plan a.
Winter stay busy, enjoy the kids and don;t focus on his talk.

Maybe he's telling you about the job to get your hopes up or maybe OW doesn't listen to him.Any way don't listen to him as we all know they double talk and babble.

your right- I went to the library on my lunch and found a great book by willam dryer- all things can be answered thru spirital teachings. (I think that the correct title- and taking contol of my life- - getting my self esteem back by melody Beattie. I need this to heal my battered spirit and my self esteem.
I feel good today for some reason - i dont know what tomorrow holds but for this moment and this day - i can really see the sun is shining.

WK good for you, stay busy. My WW is so selfish she actually said to me one time, she wished she could try him on for a while, she couldn't go through lifes with a "What if?" Believe that??????
Any way I said good luck on your test drive, I want to save the marriage, so Daughter and I are stsying busy and supporting one another

big wave-
All I know is that what we have (our kids) are the real blessing. They love us unconditionally and while our attention is focused on someone who dosent deserve out time or tears- they wait for us, and are ready with open arms for a kiss, hugs and I love you's.

Winter- you are so right, my daughter came home from visiting WW last evening, and said"Dad I think shes crazy", shes not the same person . This was due to a comment that OM made and WW agreed with him, and my daughter said mom would have never said that before.
My Wife said to me yesterday, "you know I probably would have stayed here, if you 2 hadn't booted me out". But I asked her would you have continued seeing him, and she said yes. So I told my daughter we made the right choice, which she said Yep dad we did.