2dogmom, your H can tell you whatever he chooses to tell you. If he were continuing the affair, do you think he would tell you? Hasn't he swore to you it was ended in the past? I can't imagine why you would trust him now. That boggles my mind. And I think the fact that he won't send a NC letter should tell you everything you need to know. It would ruin his affair.

The problem is that he cannot EVER withdraw from the OW as long as he continues to see her. This affair has now dragged on for a year and has escalated over that time period. Nothing has changed, contact has not even ended, yet you expect a different result. I don't understand that, 2dogmom.



I have never known a cakeeater who admitted he was eating cake. Of course your H is eating cake. He has a woman that he can see every day at work, and he has you at home.


We can't help you if he is here reading our posts attempting to help you end the affair, can we? If he is going to come here and read our posts, please forewarn us so we can stop posting to your thread.

But there WAS contact. And it doesn't matter what he "claims." Talk is cheap with a WS, you should believe nothing they say and only go by their ACTIONS. A WS will "claim" what they need to claim in order to enable the affair.

You ask what he can do to stop contact:

1. STOP CONTACT
2. STOP CONTACT
3. STOP CONTACT
4. STOP CONTACT
5. STOP CONTACT

That would be a nice start.

Have you exposed this affair at work to Human Resources and their bosses? What about to OW's parents and family? I am presuming is she is married that you have exposed to her H.

Melody - I think he doesn't want the NC letter because that would prompt her to move on with her life and if things didn't work out for us, he would lose both of us. (I know, cake eating)

Their work doesn't have much of a HR department, and he would probably be included in that dept even though it isn't his job. His boss is President and I couldn't see her caring what was going on.

I have not exposed to OW's family. She is in the final stages of her D, and is waiting for her place to be completed. That M was over for a long time and they remained together out of convienence, in separate rooms. I have no idea how to expose to her family. Should I still expose if it is about done?

I am going to ask him to stop coming around here, and if he does still come, I will change my userid.

when WH told OW (in person) tht he was going to see where things go with our M.
???
So he’s not gonna actively do what is needed to repair it? Just “see where it goes”?

OW said she would give him space and be there when he needed her.
Read: when you want to resume with me, I will be here for you.

She did send a follow-up letter July 18 saying she would give as much time as needed
As much time as needed? One reason for a no contact letter is to help the op know it is over and there is not reason to wait around. Go out, find a single person and get on with your life.

I asked him to write a NC letter, and he says he can't do that. He is still in love with her and has told me he would be devistated if she told him she was moving on with her life.
It’s somehow better for her to hang on to something she cannot have?
Why not get hurt a bit now and recover instead of getting hurt now and continue to get hurt?

(Maybe he will chime in here since he said he registered at MB.)
How about it Mr. 2dog? Comments?

I think he doesn't want the NC letter because that would prompt her to move on with her life and if things didn't work out for us, he would lose both of us.
Which in turn, keeps him from doing everything possible to make it work.
Kinda like the chicken or the egg. (in this case, the chicken?);-)

"However, I don't know if he will be posting because he may feel like he will be attacked (and rightfully so) because everyone is so "pro-marriage" as he says."

What?????? People at marriage builders are pro-marriage????? Does that surprise him?

Is it time to recommend the other plan?

believer - He keeps saying he wants to find a board that isn't so pro-marriage, ya know he is part of that % that thinks what he now has is meant to be.

Chris -
He thinks being in the house is all he can give right now.

I asked him to stay away from MB, and he said he would. If you would like his comments, I will ask him to return to give them.

mimi - how hard is the other plan when you have little kids?

2Dog;

I've been thinking about you this afternoon.

Your WH seems to be playing some sort of mind game on you.

I've been there. I remember when my H was telling me that stuff.

It will help you to GET TOUGH. You don't have to buy what he is telling you.

Have you had a conversation with him sort of like this, calmly yet forcefully telling him that there is no other option FOR YOU other than a NC letter and NC ?

"I want to recover our marriage but it ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HAPPEN unless you agree to have NO CONTACT with her ever again in your life. I am willing to work with you on this. What is our plan to accomplish this?"

If he cannot agree to NO CONTACT, as others have said, you cannot RECOVER your M.

The other plan is the option for you. It was what I eventually had to do. We won't go into detail until you change your name. Come on here and ask more about this...
Do you really think he is coming on this site? Again, he might be playing you on this....

Yes, it can be accomplished with young kids... We can help you....

2dog -

Sorry, these WS's just keep amazing me. I know I should be used to it after reading about 1000's of them that do and say the same thing. But it is just mind boggling to me.

I suppose he thinks that OW is a wonderful woman (even though she is trying to take a father away from his children). Oh, I know, she's really not like that, she's a good person, blah, blah, blah. She's not a homewrecker, she is just waiting and giving him all the time he needs for the home to be wrecked. GAG.

Oh yeah, the kids will get used to not living with him, and dad choosing the OW instead. I almost forgot that one. And she really DOES care about his children. GAG again.

And he can hardly wait to be with HER, because she is such a soulmate and trustworthy person. Look how honorable she is. Well, yeah, she picks her dates from married men, but other than that she is trustworthy.

Sometimes, I just want to advise people to dump the WS and let them go with their soulmate. They don't realize that less than 1% end up happily married, and that the infidels NEVER really trust each other. After all, they each see what the other is capable of.

Believer - those are almost exactly the things I have heard come out of WH's mouth, except that the OW doesn't want kids. He just wants to read up on all of those 1% and see their website.

Mimi-
WH thinks he can do NC without a NC letter (because he is scared that it will burn his bridges with her). He says she will not contact because she respects his wishes.

I guess I am banging my head on a wall because he doesn't think he wants to recover our marriage. Sure, if we could look into a crystal ball and see ourselves happy with him feeling the feelings for me that he feels for her, then he would want to do that. But there are no guarantees and he is afraid to lose OW.

I will probably get a new userid and post to you in a day or so. If only work didn't get into my way ;-)

It doesn't matter what HE THINKS, 2 DOG.. This is what I mean by getting tougher. Let him know that this is not about HIM. It's about YOU as well and your life....which must go on...

He is a WS. He is not thinking clearly. He is ADDICTED with a FOGGED BRAIN....

It is time for you to begin thinking about YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN...He is not thinking about YOU at this point...

WH thinks he can do NC without a NC letter (because he is scared that it will burn his bridges with her).
That is exactly what it is SUPPOSED to do!
It'll help EVERYONE to move on and not sit around pining for the other.

Tell him if he enjoys hurting her, he's doing a pretty good job by letting her hang on to some hope he will return to her.

And he is also hurting you because he is showing you there is a chance he will return to her (because he gets mad or depressed or ... (fill in the balnk)).

\

2dogmom, I would start by giving a call to the OW"s husband. How do you know they are getting divorced? Did he tell you this with his own lips? I would then call her parents, followed by a call to the Human Resource Dept of your H's company. What about the OW's boss? Do you know who it is?

So after talking to WH last night, he says maybe he should write a NC letter just to prove to me that it doesn't matter. He says the want to recover our M is not there. He was asking if he is supposed to be lying about how he feels (that he wants to work on the M, I deserve it, etc). I told him the letter has to be convincing so she will move on and it will be a type of closure. He is so hung up on not wanting to be in the marriage. The only thing keeping him right now are our girls and I think financial stability. So, even if his want isn't there, would a NC be an effective step right now, or do I need to pursue other options?

I would forget about the NC letter. It is obvious that your husband would not be meaning it, so he is right, it is pointless to write.

Instead I would expose what is going on to the OW's husband. We have all heard the "separate bedrooms", divorcing been coming a long time story. Unfortunately, her husband may not know about it.

In my case, OW swore that her husband and her were just friends and had an open marriage. When I talked to her husband he told me he wished that he had known that. On the contrary, he thought the marriage was going just fine.

So let's get this sorted out. Expose the affair to her husband.

2dogmom, believer is right, there is no point in pursuing the NC letter. He is not interested in the marriage, but is interested in his affair. That is very clear. And he won't be interested in the marriage until the affair is over. That means that your focus should be on ending the affair.

Your best bet is to focus on busting up the affair through exposure. I would get ahold of the OWH, and then call your H's HR department.

How do I call an HR dept when he is pretty much the HR dept at his company? Do I call the president, his boss?

Call the president and his boss. Also talk to the OM today. Sadly, it looks like your WS is willing to risk more destruction to his marriage, so it will be necessary to go by the book. The first step is lots of exposure. And yes, he will be angry. When you are afraid of doing it, think of your 2 little girls who have only you fighting for their family.

2dog,

Concentrate on exposing to the OTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND!!

Any thing coming out of your H's mouth should be considered an untruth right now. He is caught up in the addiction to the OW and the A.

I totally agree that the separate bedrooms could, and probably is, bullpoop. Either she is lying to him or he is lying to you.

You are fighting the Lovewar, and all is fair in Love and W.

You will feel better being pro-active, rather than just re-acting.

k