You are right, it is very scary. This may be what pushes him out of the house. As long as he is still at home, I feel like I have some hope, but once he is out, I feel like there is nothing.

I know I need to, but I HATE confrontation. Do I just keep calling their house until he answers the phone or leave messages on their machine.

I would agree with continued PLAN A and exposure for awhile.

I want to share that I found it helpful to MAKE IT CLEAR to my H from the beginning that: until he wrote the NC LETTER I would ASSUME that he was MAINTAINING CONTACT. Of course, even the NC letter doesn't mean that contact is not resumed. However, his commitment to writing the letter was a SIGN to me of his commitment to RECOVERY.

This was helpful when I eventually went to the next plan because it was no surprise that I wanted the LETTER. He ended up writing TWO maybe THREE NC letters. It was not negotiable to me. In order for me to accept him back he had to do this.

Make the importance and significance of this to you clear to him and then LET IT GO FOR NOW ....

He was asking if he is supposed to be lying about how he feels (that he wants to work on the M, I deserve it, etc).
He doesn't have to lie in the letter at all.
He doesn't have to say he wants to work on the marriage.

"- In order to repair the relationship & marriage with my wife I need to have no contact.
- The affair was selfish and hurtful to others.
- The best thing is to stay in my marriage and repair the damage."

These are not lies nor "mistruths" at all.

When you wrote, "I deserve it", did he say/think you don't deserve for him to write a no-contact letter?

Chris:

I think his discussions with her now about the NC letter are FOG TALK-mostly bullcrap. Bad grammar here, I know... However, he is just trying to justify continuation of his A and trying to get 2DOG off target....He wants her to agree to let him go....which would make this easier FOR HIM....

2DOG's JOB is to STAY ON TRACK with EXPOSURE AND PLAN A...

I think it's important for 2DOG to make her position about the NC LETTER clear and then to move on....

Part of PLAN A, I learned, 2 DOG, is to build your self-esteem and TOUGHNESS...LOVE MUST BE TOUGH....

I've only posted a few times on this forum but wanted to quickly share my NC letter experience.

My WW refused to write the NC letter for two weeks after I asked her to write it. (1 month after DD) She understood why it needed to be written but refused because that would mean some "official" recognition that the A was over. At the time I thought the NC letter was BS anyway because she was lying to me for 5 months about the A so why would she not continue to lie after she wrote the letter. Someone on this forum replied to me that if a WS refuses to write the letter that I should take that as a positive sign because perhaps the WS was taking the letter seriously and intended to honor it when and if it was finally written. I guess that is one way to look at it.
Anyway...we were planned to go away for a few days with our kids and finally I told her that if she did not write the letter that I was not going with her. (I'm not sure this was the best approach but I did it anyway). She ended up writing the letter because she did not want the kids to have any indication that things were bad between mom and dad. It was the worst vacation we ever had...My W was totally depressed and did not talk to me or the kids for 3 days. The kids were all worried and confused and I had to do some fancy covering so they would not find out what was going on. When we got home things started to calm down and a week later my W actually told me she was glad that I forced her to write the letter and she was thinking alot about her family and what a mistake she had made.

We still have plenty of issues which I need help with; I will start my own post with questions, but the NC letter was critical in calming things down and beginning the process of "figuring" things out between the two of us without outside influence.

If your WS refuses to write the letter then there's probably some hope for an honest relationship at some point. Stand your ground, keep the faith and get that letter written by him.
jd

Jesse - I think you have a point. WH says he is all about honesty and openness and communication now because that is where it went wrong before. I think he wants to be honest in a NC letter. You also wrote:

WH saying anything like that would be a lie because he doesn't believe it is the best thing, unless he says the best thing for his kids. At this point he is willing to sacrifice his relationship with his kids for OW, because the kids will be risiliant(sp?). Of course that is all fog talk, but he is so caught up in it that he can't see it working at all between us but he is too much of a chicken to ask for a D.

It's incredible, 2DOG!

Your WH is saying ALMOST EXACTLY the same things that my FWH said.

Are they reading from a script somewhere?

I wish someone had told me this so I am sharing this with you..I don't know if I would have believed it. Just like you might not believe me...

Here goes..

He is LYING to you when he says he wants to be HONEST with you...While lost in the fog, he has no idea what HONESTY means or looks like....

Hang in there, 2 DOG....

You don't understand your situation, 2dogmom. You have nothing RIGHT NOW and it will get worse. The greatest threat to your marriage is this affair, and as long as you do nothing to bust it up, you are likely headed for divorce. The best tool you have at your disposal right is exposure, it is the single most effective tool in busting up the affair. Just keeping him in the house will not save your marriage. It would better if you exposed and he DID LEAVE [which he won't] than to stay in the current situation which does nothing more than ENABLE his affair by keeping his secret for him. See, the affair cannot survive for long if it exposed because affairs thrive on secrecy. You are helping them keep the secret. At your own expense.


Keep calling until he answers, don't leave a message. And disguise your caller ID by dialing #69 before you dial the #.

mimi - what eventually brought your FWH out of the fog?

Melody - you make very good points. I am trying to work up my courage to call tonight.

Alright Melody,
And disguise your caller ID by dialing #69
Just because you are happily recovered does not mean you need to let everyone know about your happy sex ALL the time... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

#69 does nothing (for a phone call!)

*69 is last call return
*67 turns off (won't send) caller ID info for this call only
*82 turns on (will send) caller ID info for this call only

whoops!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />