OK,

I will do what I have ben advised.

My emotions got away from me. I felt that I had her in a vulnerable spot and thought the threat alone to expose would crack it open. Man was I wrong.

My first step would be to call the owner of salon she works at. I already heard rumors that the owner thinks something is up betweeen them. This as I have mentioned the owner has called W to get her to call the "Freind" for schedule chnages or whatever. So I would start there, second we do have some mutual freinds , not many but I would confide in them. Than I think I must find someone else in her salon of 50 woman who i can get too. Both of our families are out of state. So that may work only so well. Her parents would take her side I am sure, but I am not counting them short. My parents on the other hand would go balistic. This is hwy I have felt reluctant and scared , becuse even as I still write this , I have not convinced myself she is actually cheating on me.

I have no solid evidance. Other than my insticts that I know soemthing has changed in her / in us. And of course everyhting that I posted. BUt , she is always home when she says and doesn't stay out late. I cant find any signs of her spending extra money. She acts as if all is fine. I don't even see signs of her making excuses to go out.

Can I do this? Honestly I am NOT sure. I feel a great desperation , of losing not only her but everything, I almosr feel like I could convince myself to just let it runs its course and be miserable.

I dont' know.

Thank you, all of you, I am in your debt.

Hey man you sound exactly like me a few months ago! I had no hard "prooof" either...my wife wasn't sneaking out or staying out late either. I figured since she wasn't sleeping with him, it would blow over.

Big mistake. As I've said before, the PA happened as soon as they got the chance, and that was the ONLY day she lied about her whereabouts. Don't you let it get to that point.

Your wife is saying things right out of the EA playbook, stuff like "Don't you trust me?"..."You have nothing to worry about"..."Can't I just have a friend?" All of that is a big pile of CRAP. My wife told me: "Look at him, why would you be worried? I do think it's kind of cute that you're jealous though."

I was totally fooled! Don't be me!

As far as her parents go...you may want to wait on them until you have proof. If they are elderly, you may want to skip them altogether. I only went to my inlaws because I knew they would put the hammer on their daughter. Leave them out if you can't get 100% support.

Jeez, the obsessive text messaging is enough, totally inappropriate behavior.

OK,

So I have the confidence to expose her. However my question is, what approach do I take with the poeple I am going to talk to? Do I say straight up that my W is having an affiar with this "Frined". OR do I talk to them as if I am looking for some help from them to find the truth.If I approach one of her girlfreinds I am sure the first thing they would ask would be , do know for sure ? Do you have proof? Either way I plan to approach the owner of her salon first. She is a busy body and will just drool over this information.

I think I will leave her parents out of it for now as suggested.

What is your feeling on our two kids g18 and b17 should I tell them, or let them find out through the fallout.

Thanks again.

Jeep, I am not sure who suggested leaving her parents out of it, but that is bad advice. Exposure to parents can be extremely effective, so I would suggest starting there. That is an exposure that most definitely has the desired effect of splashing cold water on the affair.

Carefully select the people to whom you choose to expose and simply tell them that your W is having an affair with XYZ from work. You do not have to 'prove" what you already know is true, nor are you obligated to provide salacious details to anyone. Just tell them that you have enough information to know it is true and ask for their help and moral support in influencing her to end her affair.

I would tell the kids, so they don't find out through gossip. This is their family, too, and they have a right to know the straight story.

OK,

So it has been almost one month since my last post.

Things were getting much better. I was paying close attention to her emotional needs and really taking the extra effort to let her know that I was there for her. I even went as far to apologize for making her feel as if she needed someone else in our relationship and promised to work hard on making myself better. Though she never admitted to doing anything wrong other than the stuff I new she had been doing txting and calling. We even began to explore books and other materials that could help us. I have been personally working my [censored] off to make sure that I am doing everything right.

She on several occasions she apologized for what she had been putting me through and promised to stop the relationship. She thought it was unfair that I was making such demands, and threatened to leave her if she did not stop. But I figured she had weighed the consequences and decide to cut it off.

Well like I say all was good until last weekend we went away for two days just the two us. We left both teenagers at home and said we were going to work on us and not to discuss any issues with the kids work etc, it was all about us. Than first thing after we got to the hotel she couldn’t leave her cell phone alone. She admitted it was the friend, and acted shocked that he TXTed her. She said it was like a one time thing. She let me read the txt, though I suspect there was some of it deleted, it read: “I am going to wear the pants”. This of course means nothing to me, but obviously it was not a one time thing. WE spent a good part of the weekend arguing, how much fun is that. She went right back to her old self I am being ridiculous. He is ½ my age BLAH < BLAH >BLAH>

So any way we made it through the weekend. Than Friday night I inspected the new cell bill and it was all there again 150 plus TXT messages. She hadn’t quit anything only was acting. She was upset that I told her I couldn’t trust her anymore. After all she promised to quit and even said she would not risk our relationship on it...

So the kicker, she started a new job this she said was for me. Than I find out the “friend is working there. I confronted her about it and she said she was going to tell me, but he had just started that day. Any way that night after having too much to drink I started calling the friend from my cell phone. He never answered but I left like 5 voicemail, mostly just asking him to call me so I could talk to him about the problems. Never threatening or anything like that. Meanwhile my wife confronts me at like 12 midnight, the friend has now contacted her to tell her I am trying to call him. She than goes off on me for calling him.

Any way the reason for the post, is I feel I have no option left but to move out, at least fro a short time. I told her I will return when she is done with all of this. I plan on having a family meeting tonight, tell my kids, and plan to move out. Any way I have asked her to leave and she will not I can not stay in the same house as I have become obsessed at making sure she isn’t using her cell phone.

Am I doing the right thing?

Cool, now she will have the freedom to carry on the affair unimpeded! She can even move the OM right into your house when you move out.

Hey thanks , for the salt in the wound.
:-(

So what then?

jeeping, in short, moving out would be the stupidest thing you could possibly do. The second stupidest thing is not exposing the affair and helping the infidels hide their affair. The affair thrives on secrecy so helping them hide it only helps the affair thrive.

Moving out will only ENABLE to affair to continue and grow, only now it will be done in your home, while you pay the bills. They won't have to settle for mere phone calls anymore thanks to you, they have a place to go. In a divorce suit, you will also be hurting your own case because it will be viewed as abandonment.

Instead of doing things to help the affair thrive and grow, have you considered doing something to bust up the affair, like we suggested to you over and over again, to no avail?

Do you think your clothes will fit the OM?

She let me read the txt, though I suspect there was some of it deleted, it read: “I am going to wear the pants”.

What!!! did she buy him some pants and he is letting her know that he is going to wear them?? I also second...don't move out!!

Believe me, it is not *I* who is rubbing salt in that wound, my friend, but the man in the mirror.

Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

John Bulushi in Animal House

Jeep - garner your forces, re-evaluate your plan, the battle has just begun. Do not give up. Apparently, your methods did not work so give the MB plan a chance.

ACT OUT

OK,

I tried to expose , but every one of her freinds that I have spoke with at her old salon all say , OH they are just freinds. I ahve tried with our mutual freinds they do see my side , but insist she wouldn't do such a thang as have an affair. I have not spoekne to her parents because of there age and health. My parents support me but are not willing to talk to her they feel as if we should work it out. I ahve spoken with the owner of the salon she used to work and she said to me it wouldn't suprise her if they wrer screwwing around. I ahve taken a stance with plan A. I have done the emotonail needs. I am living with this crap right in my face. She knows I am unbale to stop her.

As I said I have contaced the OM with no luck I only have a cell number for him.

So NOw!

Jeeping, who else could you expose to, besides her parents and her new boss, who would have influence on your W or the OM? Who are the OM's parents?

My kids have the most over the wife. That is why I want a family meeting tonight. Though it goes againts everything I beleive to expose them to this , but I feel it must be done. The OM is a loner , I have tried every avenue, his parenst are out of state and from what I know ahve basicllay disowned him. I have considred confronting him personally after work or something but I am concerened of what that might lead to.

You need to document this affair. Not just to prove it to everyone else but just in case this ever does proceed to court. Go to Walmart or Radio Shack. Puchase a voice activated digital voice recorder (not the tape kind - DIGITAL). Also purchase a ton of batteries. Hide it where you are most likely to catch conversation between WW and OM and/or WW and her friends that know what's going on. Most likely the car. Hide your receipt so you can deny it to your death if it is ever discovered and she attempts to press some charges.

ACT OUT

What is the purpose of the family meeting?

Jeeping, can you please cancel this family meeting until you have had a chance to calm down and we have a chance to help you strategize this? There are lots of little opportunities here that I think you are missing because you are so distraught. [Actdontreact points out a great one]

Or at the LEAST, simply expose the affair to your kids, but DO NOT move out. That would be a HUGE MISTAKE.

Is the cell phone in your name? If so, shut it off or remove the text message capability and password the account so she can't re-activate it. The cell phone bill is not as good a source of info as the voice recorder anyway. Plus shut down access to marital money so she can't get her own new phone/contract with marital savings. Finally, cancel any joint credit cards.

ACT OUT