hello,

I am sorry , I have been home for an hour now , and just cant bring myself to call her parents.

This is just so very hard.

I am sorry.

I know it is very hard. How are the kids tonight, Jeeping? Any word from the OM?

Thank you for asking.

They seem to be fine. I worry that Mom has gotten in thier ear but who can tell. They seem to be very receptive to me, W usally works late at the salon tonight she is still out. THe OM idea may be dead I need to concentrate on better ideas as you have suggested to me.

It really makes my heart feel good to know there are people like you who truly care.

Thank you

Hello,

It is a bad day for me today, the W refuses to sleep in our bed.It was a tuff night I did'nt sleep much and I am starting feel very emotional. I am not sure why she won't sleep in our bed or what that tells me , but it is hurting me deeply.She has been in the spare room for 3 of the last 4 nights.Does this tell me , the OM doesn't wnat her in our bed , or sheis trying punish me for the expose?

I set up the recorder late last night in the W car. I am not sure what I will get , but I am hopefull.

I am working up the courage to contact her parents. I have spoken with a long time freind, now an LAPD officer. He is going to come visit me today to see if we can figure out some kind of surveillence. He has some other ideas as well,like maybe where OM lives, so I hopefull there.

I also got the OM voicmail number so I am going to leave him a direct message today. I feel I will use the "if you are truly a freiand" approach already advised to me,

Thank you.

Jeeping, please accept a pat on the back for coming to terms with the fact that it IS an affair, and getting on board with the people here, who would only guide you in a way to help your cause.

The recorder...great...may be problematic due to "road noise". Exposure....great...but do include her parents, the sooner the better. Expect nothing, but be thankful for any pressure it may bring to the affair. Show them copies of the phone and txt message logs, to make it "real" for them.

Sleeping in the "other" bed. Pay no attention to it. People in affairs are "out of their minds", and make no sense. Their lives are filled with convoluted thinking, and much of what they say and do are ploys to maintain the "feel good" fix they get from the OP. Think of her as a crack addict. Every moment is spent thinking about her next fix (contact with the OM). All else on earth is secondary to her right now. You cannot control her, but you can influence her thinking by what YOU do. And NOW you are DOING the right things.

Jeeping, this is a really rough road. You'll hear more vile spew come from your WW's mouth than you ever dreamed possible. Brace yourself, as it's a rocky path. Many WS's will be intentionally abrasive and combative to "MAKE" you lose your temper, so they can justify to themselves what a horrible person you are, further enabling the affair. Don't let her trap you into Angry Outbursts, or any other Love Busters.

You are on track now to make a difference. Keep reading, learning and believing. This will work out!

Best wishes,
SD

Jeeping, please listen to shatteredreams, he is exactly right. This is all an expected phase of the affair. You are causing trouble in her affair and she is furious. But it is all part of the process of saving your marriage. You can't let a little anger scare you off, you must keep to your mission and not allow her craziness to divert you off the path.

Can you please go look up BobPure's threads from last year? He is now blissfully happy with his wife and he went through an unimaginable ****** to get there. His wife hated his guts for ruining her affair. But now she adores him and is very remorseful.

p.s. I wanted to point out that you seem much calmer and much stronger today than you ever have. You are doing good, Jeep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK,

So i tried to call WW parents. I tried last night and just a bit ago. I am not sure why they are not home as they live out of state , so I sent them an E-Mail and I plan to mail them the letter today. I hope the E-mail has the same effect as a phone call , I will continue to try to call them however.

I still was apprehensive to contact them , untill WW called me today and told me she was going out tonight with the girls, mind you this she never does this type of socializing. I asked as to why she would choose to do this tonight right in the midle of this major crisis , she said she is tired of it all.

I feel I have betrayed her, by sending this E-mail to her parents behind her back.

I want to tell her I exposed her to her parents so badly, just to ease my guilt.

Thank you all for your help.

I posted before I read your responses.

Thank you for your support.

Jeeping, but you are not guilty. You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with exposing wrongdoing, but there is something very wrong in committing adultery. Exposing her will hopefully make her affair so uncomfortable that it will eventually end. There is nothing virtuous about helping her hide her affair. Hopefully, her parents will support you in ending this affair for the sake of your family.

Please try to stay rational about this. It would be ruinous if your W picks up your inappropriate guilt, because you can be assured that she will use it against you. DO NOT APOLOGIZE, DO NOT COWER IN FEAR. You have done the right thing, and you CANNOT afford to let your W see that you feel guilty for harming her affair. SHE WILL USE IT AS A WEAPON AGAINST YOU.

When she finds out you have exposed her, politely and calmly remind her that she says there is nothing wrong with her affair, therefore she should not mind that her parents know. Tell her that you love her and you will do what it takes to save your marriage.

Don't try to reason with her and don't expect her to be anything but irrational and angry that you are ruining her affair. Expect the worst, Jeep. It will get worse before it gets better. But we will be here to get you through this.

Please follow my suggestion and go read BobPure's threads. He went through unimaginable ****** for ruining his wife's affair. But, he saved his marriage and saved his children's family. So have many others here. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

I am completley beside myself, I can not find the words.

I listened to recorder the tonight , this is the first day.

She called the OM one time and left a voicemail , short couldn't tell anything.

But she picked up 17 year old from school , her little boy. She spent the entire , 20 minute drive running me into the ground , even getting my son to comment. Whom , i have been working on bettering our relationship for more than year and am always concerned for his well being.WE have been really tight as of late.

She even told my son , that the OM is going to get a restraining order againts me. I mean it was just awfull/

I can't beleive how bad that is.

I am just crushed to hear that my son may know of something she is doing, and keeping it from me.

Jeeping,

Don't be angry with your son. She's putting him in a terrible spot by discussing her problems with him, and trying to alienate him from you. He's young. He's not going to openly confront or defy her. Continue to be the same loving, caring, FAIR dad you've been in the past.

Also, don't blow your cover!! Don't let him or her know what you heard. They can't know about that or you've lost a source of information. Hard to keep quiet, I know, but show him how wrong she is by YOUR actions!!!

Jeeping, hang in there. You know the recorder is working (i.e. no road noise to override the sound) so the truth of the matter will be out shortly... you just need to hang tight. I know it is hard. You are doing the right thing.

Jeep, how tragic that she is now dragging her children into her sordid mess. The shame and confusion that boy must be feeling right now. It is so very hard on a boy when their mother is acting like so shamefully. Please just be there for him and don't aggravate the situation. Give him a hug and tell him it will be alright and that you are there for him.

So any way the W told me last night after we talked for a couple of hours, that she is not going to TXT or voicemail or call the OM nay more. She apperently went to lunch with one of her "girlfreinds" and the girlfreind basically told her she shouldn't be invlovled with this OM. THis of course she talks only in regards to thier freindship. I accepted her promise and restated it back to her so we both understand what she said. If she , when she breaks this promise again , it will give me new found courage to push harder and more aggressively, to split them up.

She really is coming undone though. She has threatened me at least 4 or 5 times just in the last few days that she will divorce me if I try to confront the OM. SO she really doesn't see what she is saying.

MY LAPD freind has advised to have no contact with the OM, not even a freindly one. He explained it is to dangerous and to easy for things to get out of hand. So I am going to let it go for now, at least untill I can find someone who I can expose him to.

I also , made direct contact with one of W old freinds from her old work. THis woman was very up front with me and said what she had observed made her nervouas and in fact rumors were that something was going on with W and the OM.

Thanks again for all your help , I really feel stronger about this and I just can't say it enough thank you.

Keep the recorder secret, in place and DON'T give away where you get your information. Your PD officer gave you good advice. Does the OM have parents that you can locate. That would be good info to have in your back pocket.

Just because a WS promises something, remember the addiction is strong, and they will have a great deal of difficulty NOT contacting the OP. That's just the way it is. Many times NC is not achieved without 3-4 or more chances.

Stick around, and keep learning. You will survive this!

SD

Jeep, this is good, at least she is thinking of ending things with the OM and sees how serious it is. BUT, as long she sees him at work every day, the affair will never end and recovery will never take place. She can't withdraw frm him if she sees him every day at work. That is like sending an alcoholic in the bar every day, giving him a beer and then expecting him to sober up. It ain'ta gonna happen!

So tell her that her gesture is good, but it IS NOT enough as long as she works with him. Nothing short of complete and total no contact will suffice.

And just be warned, talk is cheap with a WS, so watch your back. She may even just go deeper and hide her affair better. Watch your back and stay on your toes.

Dr. Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure. [/b]

<snip>

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

**snort** Dr Harley, himself, got censored on his own forum! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />