Jeeping, be prepared here. Like the others have said, WS speak means nothing (no matter what her intentions). A) actions speak louder than words and B) Working with him will provide contact. WS is in so deep (reflected by her conversations with your son -- think back, when she was "rational" is that behavior she would have been horrified by?), that digging out is going to take much more than a "verbal" I am going to do this. (Think dieting... if the food is always there, and it was a comfort... no wonder even though you don't want to fall off the wagon you do). This is going to be a tough road bc she is kidding herself (and you), but the first cracks to reality seem to be showing through (unless she is flat out lying to get you off her back). Keep up the pressure, keep up the recording, and keep up the good work. (yeah, I speak from first-hand experience as the fww...)

OK,

Hello,

I have been very happy the last few days. Though I have by no means let my guard down. As I stated previuosly my W told me she would discontinue the TXT and voice calls, to date it seems she has told me the truth, i have checked the bill almost daily online and conversations have ended. Sh etold me Saturday night that she told the OM , that he would have to quit the TXT, as she explained to him it was straining her mariage, he has not TXT her either.

I am not sure what to think. I want to demand zero contact, however what if this was only a "gone off in ditch " freindhsip that she lost control of temporarily. I know I am speaking with very hopeful thoughts , but keep in mind I have yet to find any solid proof of a PA. However without a doubt i found that she made some very bad decisions and in no way was protecting our mariage. I am not being naive here , but I am simply saying what if?

I am going to continue the recording, and keep my eyes wide open for any funny business. But I don't feel as if I should push her at this very minute, when she is making some effort.

AS I expected her parents did not contact her , or maybe they did and she didn't tell me, maybe that is the reason for the turn around. I don't know.

What way should I go , what direction should I head?

Thank you all

Jeep, I would make it clear to her that your expectation is complete and total no contact. I suspect you have scared her a little so she has gone further underground to hide her affair. She won't ever withdraw from him as long as she continues to see him in any capacity.

I hate to say it, but this is just a lull in the storm and is far from over. She is like a bad drunk who just got her hands slapped and is lying low for awhile until the heat wears off. She is not recovering at all, though, she is just being sneakier about her drinking and sticking to only drinking at work.

Your vision of success should be complete and total no contact coupled with a no contact letter jointly written and sent to the OM. And when I say no contact, I mean leaving her job and NEVER EVER seeing the OM again. That is the ONLY HOPE for your marriage.

If it were me, I would have this discussion with her now and tell her that your only hope is leaving her job and completely cutting off contact with the OM. That is the least you should settle for, Jeep.

Thanks Melody,

The last few days have been brighter for me and I can thank all you for your help :-)

I have read alot of BOB PURE and other links related to his post and have really found new strength, and feel positive that I can win this thing. My plite deosn't seem to be as bad as I make out to be in mind , clearly i wouldn't wish it on anyone , but I will make it.

I started a new dialog with the W I explained that I needed more than what I previuosly asked for. I told her that I really thought she was working harder to stregthen our marriage and protect it.She has held up her end of the original bargain , and has stopped any contact outside of the workplace with him that I can trace IE: txt, voicemail , phone calls etc.

However when I told her that I needed her to respect the total NC, she was very upset. Not so much upset about the fact of what it was , but she was angry that i was changing the rules. I do feel bad about it , but when I frist started this with her I was negoitiating the best deal that I could get. Now I realize that was wrong.But she was still upset , talking the I am controlling, I am chosing her freinds etc.

She , told me as of today that the OM , is being fired, and explained that she had to TXT him to tell him about his job. I suppose if he gets fired , the realationship will change, either she'll start TXT and call again to stay in contact or they will excelerate the realtionship by seeing each other away from the work enviromnet. Either way I should be able to get some kind of evidence?

I am continuing to record but still have gotten nothing useful. She honestly seems to be trying , without admiting any wrong doing, so that much of it is confusing to me.

I have an appointmnet with one of the girls from her old shop , and when I made the appointment with her , she was all talk. I suspect today she will talk my ear off , and I plan to confide in her and try to get some exposure. She will lite up that salon with the buzz if I tell her something she can gossip about.

Thanks again everyone

Hey, Jeep, it sounds like you are doing really well. Can I make a suggestion? Don't tell the lady at the shop about your W. Try to get information from her if you can, but she should not be told about you and the W's personal business. You don't need a bunch of harpies spreading gossip about you and W.

Jeeping

15 months ago my baby was stealing our kids college fund to set up shack with OM and banging him in a NASTY motel.

RIght now she is warm and asleep in MY bed after a lovely evening together and will give me a sleepy kiss when I go up to bed. A great Mom, a great wife . So great in fcat that we have problems now knowing how to build a MUCH better marriage than ever before !. Dont YOU want that problem ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have faith. If I can do this, anybody can. Listen to Mel and teh wise ones, and lose your fear. Ask yourself " what would I do next if I were not afraid ?"

All blessings.

Thank you for your thoughts,

I beleive that at I am at a cross roads. I feel I must push the issue one way or another.

It seems the more I try to be a better husband IE: emotional needs etc, the W takes it for all its worth , that in itself I can deal with. However I feel she is starting to take me for a push over , like I have no leverage except for my undying love. I have never been the one in our realtionship as the passive . Understand that I have made it very clear to her as to what I expect , in fact I have shared this with you.

My problem is that it seems I am in a stale mate, she had said she wasn't going to TXT and call , but this has started up again, she has said that the OM was all but fired , but it seems he hasn't been. She simply will not hold up to anything she has promised.

I still have no proof of the A , and she denies everything. I found out today that her new boss , thinks I am the one having an affair. This is second or third hand but seems to be realiable. I don't even know her new boss. My thought is that she is trying to run interferance? I don't even feel as if I can go to her new shop without being the butt of the jokes, I don't know.

So she admits to nothing , wont follow the plan, and is still talking crap about me to my son. I mean this plan has gotten me nowhere fast. Yes I sound frustrated. The more I act like the loving husband , with the concerns of our marriage out in open the more she feels she has room to run.

EXample , she has been working late and without concern for our families schedule, this is not like her, she says it is do to the new shop. On friday I needed to go for some medical test , and she didn't even so much as ask if I was going to be ok going to the hospital by myself. My B'day is coming up and we are supposed to go to my parents in Vegas , she has now scheduled herself in such a way that it makes the weekand very difficult, and states she must do this becuase of her new job. She , promised to quit smoking , as you know she picked this up about 4 months ago, the other night she said she needed to shower before bed so I didnt have to smell the smoke on her. It is like she is telling me I will do what I want.

I told her today , That I made an appointmnet with a marriage counselor , she said she will go. I don't beleive her. She did say , "well don't think you are just gonna bag on me at the appointment this is about you too". I said "of course it is about me" , "IT is about us" and "making us better isn't that what you want"?

I feel I need to force some issue , turn up the heat , I don't know what way to go. I mean I really want to just explode at her and tell her what I really think about all of this [censored], but I have resolved myself to working the plan. The stress is just unberable.

She simply does not respect me , and I think she is pushing this on my 17Yson.

What now?

THank you

I think it is time to expose her at work. I wish you had done it earlier because I would bet she has told her boss lots of lies to rationalize her "relationship" with the kid. This exposure might not get you anywhere but it is better than nothing.

The next step will be to go into Plan B, Jeep. And that means that you ask her to move elsewhere and cut off financial support. Even start seperation proceedings if you have to. The purpose is NOT to give up, but to salvage your marriage. Do you know about Plan B?

I would also point out that marriage counseling is a waste of time and money when one partner is in an affair. Counseling is useless when one partner is committed to a path of deceit. You will just be paying lots of money to watch her lie to someone else. Might as well flush the money down the toilet and save the gas to get there.

Instead, use the money on a session with Steve Harley for yourself. He will assess your situation and give you a PLAN. He will be worth every penny and won't waste your time with nonsense. He is a PRO at affairs.

I do know plan B as much as I have read about it on this website and also the forums.

I hear evrything you have said , but honestly.

I also respect your opinion very highly. However.

Without solid proof of a PA , couldn't that be just devistating to us (her). I mean I know I may be in denial , But I am also a realist , I am also very meticulous and feel as if I need the tech notes on how to prove this thing has gone bad. I feel I must have proof. What if she is in some mid life crisis kinda thing maybe she needs some kind of mental help , i don' know.

I just feel like I need the proof.

I don't know.

For real? You seriously have doubts they are in an affair? I just can't believe you are serious. Honestly.

Well, if you doubt there is an affair, then there should be no issue with the constant phone calls and text messages. They are just girlfriends, right?

Spend the money on a PI and have him/her keep an eye on your W and the OM for a few days. See if she leaves for lunch, where to, and with whom. Or take a day or two off of work, borrow a friends car your W wouldn't know, and do some surveillance on your own. Good pair of binoculars and/or a video camera.

It will make you feel like you're not powerless, and you may get the evidence you need.

Just a thought....

SD

Good idea, sd. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This sounds like my husband. 40 years old and had a friend of 21. A thousand times he said "Just Friends". I didn't stop it then he told me he thinks he is falling in love with her. Sorry this statement just friends is bull. I confronted both of them several times. Went to her mother, best man at our wedding, started filling for divorce. Finally he came out of the fog. I put up with it for 4 months both him and her in the beginning said just friends. Don't belive it. One thing I did that seemed to help was I printed other peoples stories from this web site. Showed it to my spouce. Let him read that other people did not think it was a friendship. It is wrong!! She is wrong!! Friends don't come between husband & wife. Does she text girl friends like this. Sorry but you need to act.

It is true I do have doubt. Obviously , she isn't in her right mind I will say that is true. I also belive she is in a EA , that some how I can not get through to her how dangerous that is. I really have learned alot from all you. The poeple that I ahve exposed her to, have been no help. They can not tell me any thing constructive. I did expose her to her old boss , and alot of people she worked with, I really didn't get any thing solid from any of them. Our mutual freinds , beleive she is wrong in what she is doing and I have told her how they feel. She is a different person , over the last six months, or maybe I have looked alot closer at her as I have worked so hard on being a better husband and father. Maybe I am over critical. I don't condone her actions and feel it is very unsafe and she is playing with fire. BUt what proof to I have.

I see the signs , I hear what you are all saying. I do not have my head buired in the sand. I get it!

I just am not sure that drawing the line in the sand with plan B is the right choice without proof. I have been recording evrything from the house to her car, for almost two weeks. I have gotten nothing. I checked up on her many times without her knowing and she is always where she says she is. I think if she is in PA it would almost ahve to be happening exclusiveley at her work.

The PI is a great idea , and I ahve shopped for one. There is no one in 100 miles that will take a domestic case. I have contaced a guy from Hollywood , that used to be a cop, and he will work the case for no less than $3000 for three to five days. Maybe this is my only option.

I truley do respect your opinions, maybe I am to weak to see this clearly, maybe i do need to act. I just don't know.Beleive me if I had proof positive , instead of this circumstantial crap , i would be all over plan B.

I really need to think. Thank you all again for all of your great advice, I hope I am only strong enough to act upon it.

jeep, I just read the entire thread.

I echo the othrs here. One additional suggestion: buy another tape recorder and put it in the room where your wife is sleeping with her CELLPHONE. Cheating spouses are very inventive. She may have a secret cell phone that you don't know about, and you are all secure thinking that because you can check text messages that you know all.

In a nutshell, I was a BS, my H was in an EA for over 8 years. I just had him served with divorce papers about 6 weeks ago, I think it was. He now lives in an apartment up the street, and there is absolutely nothing left of our marriage.

It was "only" an EA. But it did more permanent damage than if he had paid a pro for sex. I don't admire him, trust him, or revere him any more. How can I when I don't even know who he really is?

About having more evidence - what difference does it make? Even if you walked in on them naked in bed, they would be telling you that it's not what it looks like .....

You might try to order one of those tests where you can test her underpants for semen if you aren't having relations. They are available online. Just a thought. I know it was a relief when I finally knew the truth. I had started to think I was the crazy one....NOT. WS's can confound you with their lies.

Hello

I feel as if I am in some kind of sereal world tonight. I have been very scared and or aprehensive about plan B as Melody had suggested. Well I was forced or pushed into plan B yesterday.

I ,,,, we went to the marriage counselor on friday.After 2 hours, the WW confessed nothing however promised the counslor that she would not txt ro other wise contact the OM. Guess what I check the phone records and find out she called him 7 am the next day.

Needless to say I have no plan A left in me. I asked her to leave. This today after I found out she had been to the OM house or APT. She said she had only been there once and they talked on the porch, I mean shut up.

So tonight I am at my mothers house and have exposed her. My folks plan to visit this weekand and confront her. I am very happy to have thier support.

I am sorry that I was not stronge enough to take your advice before now.

Thank you Melody , for taking a sincere concern fro my well being.

Jeep, if you decide to go into Plan B and she does move out, then you must send her a Plan B letter. Plan B is much, much more than just seperating. It means splitting up with a clear plan for recovery if she will just end the affair. The letter gives her a path back.

I will give you a link to a sample Plan B letter. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

Also, have you exposed her at work? Do you think that would help? As long as she works with him, she will never withdraw so you might as well make it as uncomfortable as possible at work so she will be motivated to quit.