Just read your thread. Wow

You probably thought long and hard about this situation. You probably prayed about. If you did, then apparently you got your answer. God brought you here for a reason. Congrats on finding your answer. Take the steps you have set out to take with resolve and the rest of your life will follow.

When or if you start to waver. When you start to question the wisdom of this solution. When others want you to explain it, justify it or alter your decision. Just remember, if God said it, then why does it have to make perfect sense to you?

So many times in life we seek divine assistance for our struggles, have the answers provided and ignore them because they are difficult, counter-intuitive and/or just painful. Reminds me of a story many have probably heard before:

A man crossing a bridge accidently falls over the edge. He finds himself hanging on a girder over fridged swirling waters. Facing certain death, he calls out, "Dear Lord, please save me". Just then a passerby leans over the railing casting down a rope. "Grab the line and I'll pull you up". "No, No, I am waiting for the Lord to save me" says the man left dangling by one hand at this moment. Shortly thereafter, a steamship happens by directly below the man and a deckhand yells up, "Let go, we'll catch you". The man holds on to the girder and his faith, "No, No the Lord will certainly save me"....Then death befalls the man.

As the faithfull man arrives at the gates of St. Peter. He inquires "Why didn't the Lord save me". The angels somewhat curt response, "He sent you a rope and a ship, what more did you expect?".

Have faith in your decision.

Mr. Wondering

hrt1,

I've been giving your situation a lot of thought. I told you that I would be back to tell you what I may have done differently, if given the opportunity.

The truth is...I don't know. I feel fortunate to have a FWS who is committed to Recovery. It's been a bumpy road for both of us and we have both made a ton of errors. But, if I had the chance to go back and change something...I don't know...it is what it is. Making other decisions might have altered the course for us and maybe we wouldn't be together at all now.

My situation is similar to what I know of yours, in that my H had an A for 1 1/2 years before we married. D-Day was November 12, 2004, and our wedding was planned for December 11, 2004. I know that many here are telling you to call off the wedding. I did not choose that route for various reasons. They may not be the best reasons, but they were my reasons at the time. They were:

- I was in shock. I was completely operating based on that. I knew I didn't want to lose him, and I wasn't ready or able to accept everything that was happening. So I went through the motions.

- My H is an Army guy. We found out that October that he was to be deployed just after the first of the year to Afghanistan. He was to be gone about 12-18 months. In my heart of hearts, I knew that if I didn't marry him before he left, that I would lose him. I knew that, out of a need to cope, I would heal on my own and move forward without him.

I really didn't think we could recover from all that was happening when he was so far away, particularly when his departure was to be so soon after D-Day.

- We were kind of scared to call off the wedding. I didn't want anyone to know or suspect what was going on. That reason wasn't a huge factor, but it did play a small role. It probably would have been fairly easy to explain that we just decided to wait until he returned from his deployment to get married.

Shortly after we got married I discovered MB and posted my story for the first time here. Do you know what the first thing was that I was told when I arrived???

"You should not have married him".

I was pretty disappointed. For one thing, what the heck kind of advice was that??? I was already married!!!!! So, I retorted back with a "I thought this was a Marriage BUILDING site".

The moral of that story is...take what others here say with a grain of salt. Some things you may find useful, others you may not. If you get some advice that you don't find useful, just try to disregard it and focus on the responses that you do find apply to you and your circumstances.

Try to keep in mind that there are many different types of people here, and many varied situations. People have different posting styles, and there have been some heated debates here on that topic alone. Some prefer a gentle, helpful approach, while others believe in smacking you over the head with a dose of brutal honesty (aka a 2X4).

If you get smacked, try not to take it to personally. The other people here are usually quite well-intentioned. I've been smacked quite a few times, done my share of crying over it and letting it hurt my feelings. It impeded the the progress of my marital Recovery, and my personal Recovery progress as well, BUT only because I chose to allow it to. So, with that being said...

Welcome to MB.

I don't know the entirety of your situation, or where things stand now with your fiance or your sister, but the principles here are excellent, and so are many of the people. I hope you stick around. Even if you opt not to pursue a relationship with your fiance, you have personal healing to do. What you are going through is quite devastating and you are going to need all the support you can get. The support of family or friends is often confusing and not very open-minded.

As I said, there is much to learn here, and there really are some wonderful people. I'm going to put a link at the bottom of this to my very first post. Maybe you will be able to identify with some of it, and sometimes just knowing others have been through similar circumstances helps keep you from feeling quite so alone. I'll check in on you if you have any questions, or want to share some more of your story.

Best of luck to you. I'm so sorry for the pain you are in.

Froz


My First Post

Wow, what you said about the speaker really hit home. I definately don't want to be like my family, they are all pretty disfunctional, but you are right, I would running away from the problem and not towards a solution.
I think some time with just myself is what I need the most right now. Some time to look inside me and see where I can better myself. Research my motives and beliefs. Find out who I am and what I want out of life.

Frozen,
You have no idea how much you have helped me. I have gone through the whole gammet of emotions you listed on your first post.
You are right, I've had almost EVERYONE tell me to drop the loser, that he isn't worth it. ETC.
As with your fiancee, now husband, my fiancee swears he wants to get married, says he will do anything to make it up, has been a lot more understanding. I will say he is still REALLY touchy about me questioning his whereabouts and who he is with. I don't know if that is because he is hiding more or if he still feels really guilty.
As for my family, I haven't talked to my sister since I found out. My mom has decided to "stay out of it". Thanks for the support mom!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> My other family members don't know about it yet, but will soon because of a trial between my sister and stepbrother over a rape charge. Yes, you read right, she said my stepbrother raped her. Anyways, because she told me, the DA subpoenaed me. I told them I coulnd't testify on her behalf and of course, being the law and all, they wouldn't take "personal reasons" so I had to tell them, which made it available to the other side. And you guessed it, they are going to do a full disclosure in court. Therefore, my ENTIRE family will know.
As for my fiancee, he is definately trying to ease my mind. He calls all the time to tell me where he is, what he is doing, who he is with. Has been more attentive and is genuinely apologetic. THe only thing is, he WONT talk about what happened. He gets upset and says we should just move on with out lives. I know he is dealing with this in his own way, bottling it up. Whereas I, on the other hand, have to talk things out.

My, my, girlie...you DO have a lot on your plate!!!

I really pray that you stick around here. I know you are going to need all the support you can get. I would be absolutely lost without the principles, information, feedback, and support I have received here.

I was tempted to go back and read my first post but I shuddered at the thought. I really don't want to take a mental journey back there, and I feel sure I would sound so stupid to myself...sort of like when you find an old note you wrote someone in high school. You sound so juvenile and immature to yourself! So, I refrained. I'm trying to look forward.

With regards to your fiance...are you interested in pursuing Recovery with him? If so, and given that he has stated he will do anything...do you suppose he would come and read or post here? The principles for Recovery here are brilliant.

I will tell you that I have encountered the same difficulty you are having with getting my H to open up. He is a very well-skilled Conflict Avoider. It has been an extremely frightening thing for him to discuss details with me. I am a very emotional person, and not afraid at all to face conflict. I'm like you...I prefer to talk things out. The discomfort I feel as a result of that "elephant in the room" is much greater for me if I ignore it, than if I just get it out in the open and deal with it.

He has made quite a bit of progress in this area, but we both have quite a distance to go before we can really consider it tackled.

One of the things that has been extremely difficult for me to overcome, and something I wish I'd become more adept at earlier on is learning how to control my emotional outbursts. I would be so hurt, and express it to him in a manner that was very destructive to our relationship. That, of course, did not serve me well in trying to get him to open up. In fact, it did just the opposite.

I'm still working very hard on that one, and have made baby-step progress, but I'm determined to master it. Man, is that a hard one to do! Just remember, no matter what he has done - it does not give you the right to be verbally abusive to him. He may deserve it...but it still doesn't give you the right to hurt another human being because you are hurt. Not that you are doing that...I think I'm telling myself that more than I'm telling you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Try to lay off the "talking about it" so much until you are both able to learn some new skills. Without those, it is likely to cause more pain and destruction.

I'm eager to hear more of your story, on a timeline that you feel comfortable sharing it.

If Recovery is what you are interested in, try not to let the reactions of family and friends sway you. You may be setting a wonderful example for them in forgiveness. If they continue to pressure you, you may try just telling them that you appreciate their care and concern for you, but you no longer wish to discuss that topic with them.

Hang in there!

Froz

Froz,
I truly wasn't planning on logging back on. I figured there wasn't anything that hadn't already been said. I am actually really glad I did though because I feel like I've found someone that knows what I'm going through and feel right now. You and I sound so much alike.
I too have emotional outburst that cause the rift between us to be even wider. I've been with my fiancee for about 4 years now and I've always used my "emotions" to manipulate and control our relationship. Making him feel bad because he didn't "know" how I was feeling or what I needed. I am in NO WAY saying I am to blame for the affair though. I just know that there are some things I need to work on whether that be with him or other relationships. There are obviously issues that I need to uncover and work through.
I dont really know you, but I feel like we connect. I'm sure you know what it is like to find someone that understands.
Do you suppose our sig. others are the same guy that's been cloned. They sound so much alike! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hey, maybe you and I are cloned as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to let you know, I STAYED for the kids, but I was determined to make it better. I have learned some REAL skills from this site that has made THIS recovery from an A better than the past ones... Why not leave after the first A, or the second betrayal? For the kids. I'll have to warn you, we are 2 years past the last A with a new betrayal last month. We are just now dealing with the sexual addiciton in our M, so that is why the *slightly* bitter post...but things are recovering well...just fresh (2 weeks and counting).

What is easier is not always better though. It would be EASIER To start over with someone else...but the choice to stay or leave is entirely up to you. Support is here (if you read far enough and stay long enough...) for whatever you decide to do.

I'm sure even kids can't cover up the problems that have come up or give you the strength to go on. That has to come from within.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through it again.
I know there isn't much advice or help I can give since I have no idea which way is up right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But if you just want to unload, have at.

Froz, while I understand what you're saying, I wonder what would have happened if you found this site 6 months before your wedding, rather than after. I think we'd all agree that marrying under such conditions are less than ideal and have led y'all down a pretty rough road that continues to be bumpy today.

I'm reminded of an old saying "If one person tells you that you have a tail, you can pretty much blow them off but if 10 people tell you that you have a tail, you better go look in the mirror." (((Hrt1))) There ain't no guarantee's in life, but you can take actions to make the best possible outcome attainable, rather than just a dream......

With that being said, I'm going to head back to the quarry and mine some more salt..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm taking things day by day. Some days are obviously better then others, but I have made one resolution because of this whole ordeal. I am no longer going to hang my hat on other people making me happy.
For once, I am going to make a decision that is best for ME. Not my family, not my friends and definately not my fiancee. I will no longer wait on happiness to "arrive" at my doorstep. Life has handed me a pretty ugly lemon, but SOMETHING good has to come from even ugly lemons.

I think this road would be pretty darn bumpy, regardless. But you're right...who knows what would have happened had I found MB earlier? I have no regrets about marrying my Patriot, though. I never have regretted it. I don't necessarily advise that route for someone else because it is a difficult one.

I've wondered before - if we'd have waited until we were really Recovered, how nice it would have been to feel secure and confident and truly happy on my wedding day. That would have been a nice way to celebrate Recovery. But, others factors being present, we didn't choose that route. Like I said before, it is what it is and all we can do is make it the best we possibly can with what we have today.




UGH! My mother says that exact thing!!!! I must have heard it a thousand times!!!!

(((Froz & Pat)))

Hope you don't think I was dogging you out or anything. Heck, y'all are here trying and I have respect, love, and compassion for y'all.



Thank you.....


I did not know that you mom was such a wise woman… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> And just to stop any rumors, no I am not Frozen's ma.... When I awoke this morning I had male genitals and facial hair, I do hope that dispells any rumors...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That's funny...I just jumped back on here for a second because I've been puzzled by your salt mine comment. It suddenly occurred to me that you may have thought I was referring to you, so I wanted to let you know that I wasn't. I was just sharing my experiences and some things I wish I had known when I first arrived here.

I knew you weren't my mother...I would spot her a mile away, no matter WHAT her name was!!!!

hrt1,

I'm so glad you logged back on, too!

It is nice to feel understood. It's kind of a rare thing for me, though.

I suspected you and I might have the emotional outburst thing in common. Conflict Avoiders always seem to choose more confrontational people, like you and I.

It's great that you recognize that you also have growing to do. Of course everyone does, but not everyone recognizes that.

Let's hope there aren't any clones of me out there!!! I'm pretty fiery...I'm sure one of me inflicted upon the world is quite enough!

Again, so glad you came back,

Froz

Froz,
I don't really know much about your story. I've read your firt post and some of the other posts. I can definately empathize with you though on trying to reach your husband and feeling like you aren't being heard or that you both speak different languages.
Oh, I definately have work to do on myself. I can be a feisty little thing sometimes. I have anger issues that I need to get to the bottom of.
By the sounds of it, the world could use a few more of you, simply because you are willing to work on yourself and notice that their might be some flaws. THAT is way more than some people will ever admit or realize.

hrt1,

I have a tendency to be pretty hard on myself, though. It's not necessarily good to only focus on flaws.

Glad to see you back today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, what sort of work do you have to do on yourself?

Frz,
I know what you mean. I can demean myself better than anyone else.
As crazy as this sounds, I look forward to hearing from you guys now. This is becoming my addiction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
The biggest thing I have to work on is to not be so emotional, to find the good in myself and stop reading into everything. Just some SMALL stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
How about you, how are things going with you and your husband?

hrt1,

You do sound just like me.

It was quite a revelation for me to realize that just because it felt like someone didn't love me, that didn't necessarily mean that they didn't.

Recovery here seems to be back on track. We hit a pretty good bump last week.

We have an appointment with Dr. Harley on Tuesday. I'm quite nervous about it.

How are things with you?

Frz,
If I could just get a hold of my emotions, my life would be 100% better. Easy task, right? Ha Ha HA HA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I crack myself up sometimes.
I'm so happy that you guys are sticking it out, it gives the rest of us hope. Those nasty bumps, whoever created them must be laughing all the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Mind if I ask what happened? Are you both going to counseling right now? I've been to a psychologist, INTERESTING. I'm sure it will help though. Talking to people always helps, or so we think anyways.
I'm doing okay. I started keeping a journal about a week after I found out. That has been my saving grace at this point.

I haven't found so far that having the emotions is the problem, but rather the way I express them. You're right...no easy task.

Our bump? In a nutshell, Patriot was at work this past weekend and when it came time for lunch, he ending up going to lunch with another guy and two other females. I asked him about his day when he got home, and asked who he went to lunch with. I wasn't very happy about it.

He had been doing a pretty good job of telling me about those kinds of situations in advance. I got really emotional - scared, angry, hurt. Again, the way I dealt with those emotions and the way I communicated them to him only caused the situation to escalate.

We have been going to MC off and on during the almost 10 months of Recovery - more on than off. We haven't really been able to find just the right MC.

Your journal sounds like a great place to start.