Ever hear of the term "enabler"? They are WH's enablers now.

Probably time to NC them, too. You made a good faith effort to let them see the grandchildren. They made it clear they are enablers. It probably isn't a safe environment for the kids, at least it won't be when WH & OW get out of jail.

NCing them will protect you from this nonsense. When WH is out of jail, I'd give them a month to catch on to what's happening. They'll smarten up pretty fast. I wouldn't waste time trying to educate them.

Miss M,

By not pursuing the damage to the atv, Dani is letting her IL's treat her like a doormat - just like her WH. If she let's them threat her this way, they will continue to treat her this way...their called boundaries and consequences.

Regards,

BB

Miss M ~ Dani should not be worried about LBs, and how she is seen. She needs that money to live on.

Wow, I am so sorry the IL's are treating you like this...

It is a rare family that doesn't support the WS though...I'm sorry to say. More times than not, they rally around the WS...blood and water and all...but the kids?

What to do now? Why talk with them again? But unfortunately it won't get resolved unless you both talk...but who initiates? I'd say the money will get repaid when the relationship is fixed...if it never is...then go to court.

Right now? I would say hang out, concentrate on those little goonies, concentrate on school (paralegal? law school?) leave the family alone while they fester in their cocoon of lies...

If they give you a hard time about them keeping the kids away...clarify that you don't feel the kids spending time with them would be in their best interest right now because you are not confident they would not say bad things about their Mom, or keep the OW away. It is NOT OK for the kids to visit without you. If they are not on speaking terms with you, then they are not safe to be with your kids. I admire your decision on this 100%.

Give it some time. How to deal with this will become clear in a short time. Rest...

Fine, flame me, but you need to stay away from any more legal battles, or you will indeed look like the bad guy.

Lord...I couldn't agree more. I made this comment weeks ago...STOP with all the filing this and filing that.


Cut your losses on the atv. Your MIL gave you the answer, and you won't get your money without a fight. It's just not worth it.

I would propose SELLING it. If she needs money to live on...start selling the toys. Price of gasoline doesn't make it a feasible toy anyways.

dani,

I got news for you. All of these trips to jail for your WS is NOT going to make him the man that you want him to be. There comes a time when all this stuff just becomes trashy and a bad episode of "Cops". When are you going to stop playing a starring role?

You want him in trouble so that the police or court system will punish him...and make him behave better. SOOOOO not gonna happen.

committed

Dani,
Wow! Your MiL sounds like our DD's ex-MiL! DD just recently let her ex-inLaws know that they are no longer welcome in DGS's life, due to their enabling and assisting ex-SiL to avoid paying child support. Heck, they live less than 25 miles away and have made almost NO effort to be in DGS's life since the divorce 9 years ago. Two or three phone calls a year is about the limit of their love and concern for DGS.

I'd say take them to small claims court for the damages, and then sell the ATV. You need the money to support your kids.

I also agree with you about not letting the kids visit them without you. They would probably see nothing wrong with letting their son come get them...and he might not bring them back. Protect your kids, no matter what!

Committed, if Dani doesn't stay on top of the legal stuff and holding her WH to the wire, things are more likely to escalate. If he thinks she will take no action to protect herself or the kids, he and OW will up the ante...maybe to the point of trying to snatch the kids, and that would be a really bad thing.

Lady, that sums up what I was thinking. We've seen what he tries to pull when he feels there are no repercussions.

I think you're doing SO much better than you were in the past, Dani. Hang in there and continue to be a great mom! Sometimes I can almost hear your backbone growing.

Dobie

I will stop notifiing the police of his violations of protection order, when he stops violating it.

Danielle

Thank you all for the replies. I am going to send them via mail a quote to repair the damages from the local ATV place, and a letter about the damages. We will see where it goes.

The kids will not go there without me, period. ESPECIALLY since they can't even talk reasonably to me..how am I to trust them with my children?

I had the case management hearing for the divorce today. Guess who didn't show up? Yep, WH.
Since he is in default they waived the mediation, and scheduled the final hearing for October.
They issued an interim order. I have primary residence, sole parental rights and responsibilities, and visitation is at my discretion. He does have the right to obtain their medical and educational records if he chooses. He is unemployed but they issued him a $72 weekly child support order anyhow.
I requested that property in my possession stay in my possession, and property in his possession stay in his possession. To the same not I asked that my personal debt be mine and his personal debt be his. Those orders will not go into effect until the final hearing though. That is my one worry in this. If he does show up, he may request the debt be split. He has like 45K credit card debt, and his car loan on serious default, set to repossess. He used that credit card to support his affair. They lived in a hotel for months on this. I am happy for the outcome. I am also glad that we can skip mediation. I am not sad at all today.

Danielle

What's that sound? I hear it too! I thought it was Katrina!

Why you need to NC them:

Some of the same reasons you need to NC your WH. Clearly, they don't want to face what's happened to their son. As long as you are in the picture, it will be all Dani's fault. They can argue with you, discuss you behind your back, collude with WH.

I think they are setting themselves up for some big-time freeloading. When WH gets out of jail, since they are so sympathetic and he won't have a plan, he'll use them to the max. Maybe OW will, too. They will discuss and diss Dani in detail. But Dani won't be there to reply. So the conversations will be one-sided and probably malicious. It will peter out for lack of new information.

Meanwhile, they will be freeloading on IL's house, IL's hospitality. At some point, the fighting, violence, and drinking will be brought into IL's life, too.

Expect a phone call, then. When they wake up.

Committed, if Dani doesn't stay on top of the legal stuff and holding her WH to the wire, things are more likely to escalate. If he thinks she will take no action to protect herself or the kids, he and OW will up the ante...maybe to the point of trying to snatch the kids, and that would be a really bad thing.

Then she needs to hold him to the wire even when he is "trying" to work on the marriage. She picks and chooses when she turns him in...and she turns him in when he is NOT responding in a marriage-positive way. If she is going to be turning him in, she needs to turn him in EVERYTIME that he breaks it. There has been a few times when she did not because he was "coming around".

I say that about the in-laws too. If the in-laws were "taking her side" in all this, and they said that they changed minds about paying for that atv, she wouldn't sue them. She is contemplating suing because they aren't taking her side...in a nutshell.

It does appear vindictive when things aren't going her way. I can see where her in-laws would think that.

JMHO
committed

dani,

Then you need to notify EVERYTIME...even when he is giving lip service about how he wants to be married.

Hasn't there been times when you haven't? When he was "working" on the marriage...and I use that word loosely.

All or nothing dani...all or nothing.

committed

Reports are made for threats, or harassment. When he has been 'nice' there is no need or reason for a report. He is allowed to contact me, not threaten me.
Danielle

Oh....

I thought it was the violation of the order that he wasn't to be around that OW that had you reporting him...

Did you report him for that violation?

committed

A.M.
I can see NC w/ the inlaws...as a very reasonable step.

Latest convo with MIL (she JUST called me)
She basically called to say she would pay for the ATV damages, if I order the part, she will pay when it comes in.
Very nice.

I asked her if her house was still the best place to send mail for WH. She said "Well actually no. He doesn't live here and he has mounds of mail from bill collectors in a messy room that he will never see." I said "Do you have a better address to send mail to?" She said "No, I have no idea where he is. I picked him up from jail, and tried to bring him to his van (direct tv) and when he realized that it had been towed he was so distraut about loosing his job and I just brought him to his Blazer. I havn't seen him since. He doesn't come here" I explained to her that the court needs to send him the papers from the case management hearing and also I need to send him my last two income tax statements as requested by the court. She said "Why, what is going on at the court?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I told her that the divorce case was today. She said "Oh, WH said that he signed for the divorce but you never filled"

She opened the letter that came from the court ordering him to appear today for the hearing. She and I talked about this weeks ago. Now she doesn't know? Right.....

I told her that because I was order to mail him those things and his last known address is her house, I would send them there unless I could find a better address. I said "Heck, I don't even know if they are still in Maine" She said in a 'are you serious' tone of voice "THEY?" I said "Well yes, I am sure they are together" She replied "I am not going to assume anything"
Then she QUICKLY said "I really have to go, really I do bye" and click.

She is either really dumb or just acting really dumb. She is the biggest conflict avoider that I know.

The court order will be sent there, and I sure she will open it and be upset that visitation is by my choice, oh well.

Anyhow, she seemed calmer today, and did call me to say she would pay for the ATV, so that is good news. She still can't face reality, oh well, her loss.

Danielle

I went to the police dept. because OW threatened my life. They put out a warrent for her for violating her protection order. They asked where she lived, and I was honest. In a tent with WH. They located her on the road and because they were together he got arrested as well. Had she been alone, he would have not been arrested.

I did not call the cops to say 'oh go find my WH, he is with the OW' Although that would have been legal and OK to do, it would have been me mixing in with the drama just to mix in with the drama. Had she not threatened to kill me, I wouldn't have contacted the police.

Danielle

I logged in just for you, and I havent done that in about a month <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Make sure that backbone your growing turns to steel, I would hate to see you fall for any more b.s. from your wh and undo all this work you have done on you. Im glad you stood up for yourself with your inlaws, way to go!! Ill be reading your updates, and hope you come out of this the winner that you are. Much love Dani.

Danielle,

Way to go. Glad MIL is being responsible for atv.

As for WS, well, as his last known address is MIL, so be it.

Prayers for you. You are doing the right thing, as far as ow and WS. You do what you have to do to protect yourself and kids.

Glad to see you are doing well. I know it hurts hon, but you are doing the right thing. Don't want to burn those bridges with inlaws. Don't stick your financial self out for them at this point, cause you aren't sure they are 'family' anymore.

Perhaps, since you are in plan B, you might ask MIL not to tell you anymore that she knows about WS. Keep contact with kids and inlaws seperate from WS.

Just my VHO.

Oh, and you are soooo worthy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love and prayers, in Christ
Miss M

Hey Dani, just dropped in to say keep up the good work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, this stuck out at me...


Now, you gotta do what you gotta do... and I support NC with the in-laws if they're going to be unreasonable, or heck, if they are going to be anything but awesome grandparents...

But having said that, I'm also gonna urge you to take a moment and have some compassion for them. Can you imagine what it's like to watch your son make such a train wreck out of his life? I bet they are flipping out, and I feel really bad for them. Doesn't really excuse their actions/behaviour, but I still feel bad for them.

Anyway, take care.

John