I find it very ironic that the faithful spouse that has so much pain of their own is the one that is in charge of healing the unfaithful spouse and making their marriage better!

Last night for example I gave my W a kiss and she turned her head and I asked why are you always looking to see who might see us? She blew up and said here I’m starting it all over again!

I told her that everything always seems to be my fault. She replied your not listening to me, you never do. Yes I shouldn’t have said the word always but latter, when we were more calmly discussing it, I told her that she was still upset from last night and I thought if it wasn’t that it would have been something else…She didn’t disagree, but said everything I do seems to remind her that she’s a failure, she told me she feels she is walking on egg shells.

So, here I go again…I need to make her feel good, loved, and heal her. Maybe I can get healed by helping her>

Not always the case HLR, but in your case and my case it looks that way.

Lexxxy, I feel from your posts, you still feel justified in blaming your husband for your affair. Is that true?

Blame him for being a crap husband, neglectful, and all sorts of crap, sure, but not for your actions. Those are yours.

Change occurs with action. Change doesn't occur with thoughts about action. One could argue that a person has to think about change to change, but, other people don't get to see those thoughts about changing, they only get to see the actions implemented.

Sure, the timing may suck...but who is to blame for that? The person that had the affair or the BS?

Lexxxy,
I am the BS in our situation, but I could so identify with you. I have been in a marriage for 25 years in which I have been completely neglected and criticized because I am not the perfect 10 physically that I was when we were married, NO other reason.....and let me say, that the majority of the marriage I was by most people's standards, quite acceptable, even a bodybuilder at the gym commented to me that my husband must be really proud of me. Well, I almost cried right there because I had never heard those words from his mouth. Even when I was quite fit he would not give me one little compliment. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I have always been told I am gorgeous. Well, needless to say, much bitterness has built up on my side and we just got further and further apart. He admits now that he doesn't know how I did it...that he gave me NOTHING. I don't know how I did it either and why I stuck around and took it all those years. I figured I had chosen him and have children with him and divorce had never been an option for me.
Well, last year I had finally had enough and initated MC. I was going to get my self together regardless of what he did. He agreed to go and we did for awhile, but he eventually just blew it off, saying we could work on things ourselves. As soon as we stopped the MC, things went right back to the way they were. (Of course, now I know he was in the middle of his affair).
I spent the rest of the year in a funk and grew so much in my relationship with Christ. He was my everything and I would just cry out to Him for direction and to make me the person I needed to be. By the end of the year, there were a couple of instances that made me angry and suspicious of my husband and this particular mother of one of my son's friends. Sure enough, in February of this year I found them out.
I tell you this because in our relationship I feel like I have truly lived my life with honor to my God and my family and was committed to my marriage. I will say that after I turned 40, I began to thicken up in my middle section and was not happy with my appearance. Again, people would tell me, Jeez, you are so hard on yourself. Welcome to middle age, we are all battling the bulge,,blah.,blah,,blah,, and I have to say my "fault" in the relationship was not knowing how important the need for an attractive wife is to many men.But even as I write that, it irks me because I do not believe I have ever really been a big blob or let myself look ugly. I always get my share of attention from
men and I think my husband has an extremely extreme need of perfection from me. Most people will say, We have NEVER thought of you as fat. But to him I was. I have been on an extreme mental/physical regime the last 8 months. I decided it is time for ME and have been taking the time I usually gave to others . I am a biking maniac and am in the best shape I have been in for awhile, albeit no thinner than I was for most of our marriage.
I know there were so many times I wanted to seek love and comfort from someone. I honestly think it was from lack of real opportunity that Z didn't have an affair. If someone had really persued me, I do think I woule been SO vulnerable. I am a stay-at-home mom so I wasn't out in the workforce around other men and that probably protected me somewhat. I know my relationship with the Lord is something I would not want to have hurt and the thought of having anything come between me and my children always kept me from being to forward with anyone.
HOWEVER, if I had crossed those lines, I would be feeling just as you say. I would be SO angry that my husband was made to be the "victim" and me the bad guy after all the years of s*%t I had been through. And if he started being all nicey-nicey I think I would have been quite resentful that he couldn't do one nice thing for me before.
I have to say that NOW....he tells me that I am the most incredible woman and that he is such a fool to not see what he has had all these years. He compliments me all the time and I cried almost everytime he did at first because it was what I had longed for for so long....gee, I just started crying writing that...
We are in MC and my husband is truly becoming the husband I have always wanted (and deserved, I think!) He said he will NEVER stop trying to make up all the years he was [censored] to me and WILL make me proud of him again some day. He has been humbled by finding out what so many people thought of him all these years. He is the life of the party type guy, everbody loves him, and quite handsome I might add, but the people that REALLY know him, know his attitudes and actions toward me have been poor. So, it is five months now and I do feel there is hope. I, like you, have been skeptical about his sudden changes. Of course, he is the WS unlike your husband. But he has been absolutely working his butt off through this whole thing and has not been defensive at all, so my guard is beginning to come down and we are beginning to rebuild. But it has just been the last few weeks that I can really say that I think I am in it to stay, and part of that is that I have been skeptical that it will all go back to the way it was.
I know this is long and a lot or rambling, but I just want you to know that someone can identify with you even tho I am the BS, is that kinda weird??
I just edited this because re-reading your post I didn't get that you have been at this for quite some tims.
How are things now? Has he come around about his part in the relationshp prior to the A? Just curious, what is your take on having an affair now?

Bless you and your husband.

First off Lexxxy you are hurting bad…as you know I’m the faithful spouse and my W, has told me the a had nothing to do with me, but her feelings for the OM. That still makes me puke, Ok, we all have issues and problems and things that we can make better. Heck, I thought I had the perfect M, ha, ha, guess not. But my W does love me and I believe her. We all want better M’s better Romance and better lives, but we need to do it together.

The biggest thing I’m facing is my W, doesn’t want to face any of the pain. She wants to pretend it never happened, but you can’t. Sure we don’t have to discuss it everyday but if we are going to have a good\great\special marriage, we must learn from it.

And I for one have examined some of the things I have been doing wrong, now I need her to do the same. Kind of funny that the BS\FS is the one in charge of the healing, before this happened I would have thought that the one having the A, would be the one proposing changes and buying gifts trying their dammedest to make everything work.

And this whole up and down thing with SF is killing me, 30 days every other than 30 almost nothing.

I would also like to know the answer to ItHurtzSoBad’s question?

I agree, bObpure, that there is never an excuse for an affair no matter how unhappy one is.
Lexxxy, I hope I wasn't in any way coming across to you as condoning an affair....just wanted to let you know I can imaging how you are feeling on your end of things, even tho I am the BS.

HLR,

I feel fortunate that my FWH is not needing the work to be done by me....he is doing everything he can to help ME heal. He has already owned how he was before the A.
As Lexxxy has shared, does your wife feel that you were abusive of her before she had the A? I am wondering if that makes a differnce, cuz I think I would be quite hostile if I had had an affair and was then expected to do all the right things because my husband was so sh*##y before, which I have already mentioned in other posts.
But in our situation now, he KNOWS what an [censored] he had been and has had no problem making the efforts toward my healing. In fact, at times I have committed some pretty bad LB's and have apologized. He just shakes it off and says, "Huh, are you kidding?? I deserve WHATEVER I get."
I know this is helping so much in my recovery and seeing him humble makes me want to watch my attitudes and NOT lash out, because now I don't need to to be heard and respected.
I feel very fortunate for that and have told H that it is one thing I do respect about him right now...that I recognize the hard work he is doing.
I think it would be soooo hard to be the BS and have to do the reaching out. When I have read that in some of the Harley materials, I tried to imaging having to do that if I was the WS and I don't think it would be too realistic if you had been in an abusive situation prior to the A....just my feelings and my VHO!
Hey, everybody, hope the weekend is peaceful and restful for all of you.

Absolutely not, my wife, family and friends well tell you I a gentleman. She is more critical of me than I am of her, everything is about her.

The only thing I can be guilty of is caring too much and not listening properly. The second part is the one I’m working on when ever my WS would tell me about a problem, I would believe she wanted me to solve it or provide a solution in stead of just listening. Now I just give her my undivided attention.

But we have a long way to go and I just feel everything is placed in the hands of the FS\BS with consideration of their feelings. Last night for example, It was relatively early and I tried making out and seducing my W. She asked what I was doing? I told her it would be nice to go make love and not have it the last thing of the evening, just spend a couple of hours just you and me. She replied do you think we are there yet? She continued I’m on a roller coaster and can’t stand all of the ups and downs. You keep giving me compliments that I don’t deserve and the make me feel like $hit.

I told her why is it so bad to tell her I find her attractive and that she is a wonderful person? She replied I don’t feel wonderful!

I told her ok, “than lets look at it, You’re a great mother there is no denying that and you know everyone would tell you the same, ok now let look at all of the things you have done for me over the last 26 years, oh yea what about all of the things you have done form family and friends? Do you honestly think one mistake is going to erase all of the good things you have done in your life?

That really made her think and we kissed watched TV, Oh at the end of the night guess she was now in the mood.

That’s my rollercoaster

if you want to know 100% about your actions, check out the basic concepts designed by the professionals....the harleys......

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

radical honesty is sharing your feelings. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3801_honesty.html
sharing negative emotions is not easy as you have discovered.

Would your wife agree to learn the concepts here in order to rebuild your marriage? another great site to review w/your wife is http://dearpeggy.com/affairsmenu.html
these two places will help her to understand what you are going through.......

best wishes to you and your wife.

Just in case you don't have time to read those links... here is the relevant part:

I kind of thought the same thing but every time I discuss any part of the H, I get told that by keep bringing it up hurts her and pushes her away.

I told her that I think she would rather forget it and pretend it didn’t happen and she relied would that be so bad? I said that I too want to look to the future but I think we must learn from the past…Discuss what has happened, correct mistakes we have made, especially with not meeting each others needs. She replies you aren’t at fault the whole thing is my fault and I must live with that. I told her yes you made a mistake, but to put it in our past I think we must learn what problems are the under lying issues.

So right now, we are back and forth or as she say on a rollercoaster and when we discuss the lack of Sex she says we aren’t emotionally there yet.

He11 how do I get there?

Hey folks...I'm not hurting! My life has never been better. Please go back and read my posts -- they are ALL PAST TENSE. It was how I felt BACK THEN.

I'm merely expressing the emotions I felt several years ago when I was a WS and a fence-sitter. I have been through the whole process and I understand how a WS feels in certain situations.

I sensed that HLR's wife is feeling hesitant about the whole recovery process and I thought I could provide him with some ideas on what she "might" be thinking and feeling.

At one point in my life I did blame my H for many things. I am only talking from that perspective.

Bob, RookKev....I don't blame anyone for my A. However, there was a point in time where I was desperately seeking all the justification in the world for what I had done. I am only trying to provide HLR with that mindset so that he might better understand how his wife is feeling NOW.

If she doesn't want to be complimented...If she thinks he doesn't mean what he says...If she doesn't want affection...No offense, but none of you FBS's know what thats about.

Lexxxy,

I appreciate the insight of someone who has been through this before, thanks for the clarification.

Above I wrote:


Later that night things where great, but the next day she seemed distant again. And she is the one who claims to be on a rollercoaster!

Now your Quote!


PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME!

Lexxxy, So glad to hear you are beyond all the crap. I long for the day when I do not hurt. I told my husband today that it is not a matter of not loving him...I do love him....it just hurts so freakin' bad and I cannot imagine living this way. We have had some nice times and fun moments together and with friends since this all happened, but insided I am still dead. I could live like that, I suppose, but I won't.
Please, someone, tell me that the hurt really can go away and that I can be truly happy again. My husband is encouraging me, wanting me to give it time and hang in there. I am tired......so tired of all this.
HLR, I do read your posts and realize I have progressed some, so maybe that is how we gain our strength, by looking ahead to others that have made it.

ItHurtzSoBad,

I wish I was beyond all of the crap, but I’m not…I’m making a conscious effort to move ahead with or without her!

First let me tell you the hurt is something I now realize I must live with, not sure what that is going to mean long term. I do know that she has know idea of the amount of pain she has caused, I realize she wants to bury it and just forget it, but that she says things that cause pain and I’m the one that is to pretend everything is fine for her sake.

Sometimes I feel I have been played for the biggest fool on the planet and wish I had someone that would want me and respect me, oh ya I wish that where my W, but I’m unsure if that is ever going to happen.

So yes, I do understand hurt frekin bad and could use many other more colorful metaphors, but life dealt us this hand and NO it’s not fair! Sometimes I feel like just cashing in and say you know I had a beautiful life with you but you throw it away!

OK SO THAT’S HOW WE REALLY FEEL, ME TOO! But on the other hand I love my wife and realize that I do not want to throw away my marriage! Would I want her to come crawling to me, HE11 yes, but that too isn’t going to happen. So I have been thinking am I settling, I DON”T KNOW!

You registered in March my D-day is June, the only thing I can state for sure is our pain that of the faithful spouse is based on when we found out. Remember our spouses have been lying to us, heck they might have been lying to themselves.

I find it very ironic that the faithful spouse that has so much pain of their own is the one that is in charge of healing the unfaithful spouse and making their marriage better!

You should be very glad that you H has been encouraging you and telling you to hang in there. Mine tells e that I think about it too much and that if I can’t get over it, maybe we are not meant to be! Thanks for your support!

Please take some of this with a grain of salt…I’m in a little more pain tonight and just stating things based on my current feelings. I’m feeling very overwhelmed that I’m fighting for a marriage that my WS, seems to say take it or leave it. I WANT SOME FEELING TOO!