FF,



Having her meet with a friend she may be comfortable talking to is a great idea. As much as we'd like to be there for our children, at her age it's very normal that she not feel completely comfortable talking to you about everything. She's just beginning to spread her wings a little and find her own identity, so it's natural that she not rely on you for absolutely everything.

I remember my daughter at this age. It was a push-me/pull-me game as she struggled to gain some independence. It really seemed to make a difference for her that I allowed her a reasonable amount of space, privacy, and the freedom to learn and grow. The beauty of it is that she does still need you. She needs her independence while still being able to rely on the wonderful safety net of Mom to fall back on if she needs it.

Some techniques that worked well for me were to clearly let her know that I trusted her to make good choices, and that I would respect her privacy, and to let her know that I was still her safety net and I was willing and comfortable talking to her about anything she needed to discuss with me. I tried the more intrusive route a time or two and it didn't work well at all. Making her feel safe was what always seemed to work the best. Also, reassuring her that I was comfortable discussing anything she wanted to discuss made a huge difference. There are a lot of times that children this age are afraid to talk to their parents for fear of making THEM uncomfortable. She'll take her cues from you.

I know it's terribly hard to watch your child as they struggle with the cold, hard truth. You want so much to be able to protect them from it, and you can't - not completely. It feels much like when they were babies or toddlers and were sick and there was nothing you could do for them but simply be there. That is what you can do now...just be there for her.

I used to sit in my daughter's room like I was one of her friends. We would cuddle up on her bed in pajamas and chit-chat about anything she wanted to talk about. It doesn't have to be talk of the current crisis. I tried not to pressure her, but to just talk about whatever she wanted to talk about - clothes, boys, school, friends, teachers...anything, and I tried mostly just to listen and allow her to feel understood. Let her know you are her safety net if she needs one.

You're doing great, and your family is in my prayers.

Froz

JL said:

Unfortunately ... this makes A # 3 or #4 or more (unknown) on FF's H's part.


This was his chance. This was "recovery" and NC and teamwork and radical honesty ... but not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


So far ... I am not impressed by his reaction to this latest discovery of his most recent deception/betrayal ... which is him getting angry that his wife was "snooping".


I think FF has already earned this. FF is certainly free to give him more chances, but if she determines that this was her final straw, and she will tolerate no further betrayal and award no more second, third, fourth, fifth, or sixth chances ... then in my opinion, she has earned her right to a divorce ... IF that is truely what she wants. (I think she doesn't know yet)


JL .... 6 months more of this may kill her. She has been Plan A'ing already more than 6 months.

I agree .... she should calm down and not rush anything.

FF also needs to consider that this OW and OC will be in her life forever ... and so far, her WH has shown no desire to actually work as a team to make child support/visitation, etc all aboveboard and on the table where FF can see what is actually going on.

The attitude FF's H shows her over the next 2 weeks should guide FF's decision making ... not 6 months! My God .... that is such an expectation I don't know even if ~Wonder-Woman~ herself could manage ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

JL ... as a matter of fact ... I think Plan A would be a tactical mistake on FF's part. The more I think about this ... We are talking about her H's serial adultery here ... not a once-in-a-lifetime mistake like FF's own A was (oh so many years ago ... following on the heels of her child's devastating illness which led to his permanent disability)

Serial adulterors are very high risk marriage partners.

Reminds me very much of FaithInMe's situation.

Oh gosh, I am so confused. Do I give him some time to come clean? Do I just explain to Dd that mommy must finally have enough self respect to move on with daddy? He comes home from work today and we went bowling as a family as though nothing happened. DD asked me "when is he going to talk to me?" He needs to tackle this head on not as a CA with his own daughter.

How will I ever know if OW was telling me the truth that there have been others? Sheesh I just don't know what to do.

Don't do anything.

Just watch what HE does.

HE needs to fix this mess.

Keep your fingerprints OFF his mess for long enough to measure his willingness to fix his own mess.

Are you telling me that OW did not call your H up immediately after you talked to her?

ok, THAT I can handle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

zipping my mouth shut and putting on gloves.

Oh yeah she did. That was when he immediately cancelled the cell phone account and asked for the bill to be sent to our house.

He also shut off his work phone cuz she kept calling him on that one after he cancelled the others.

which btw he said he did not answer and I just confirmed on line he did not.

FF - I'm confused too. Just watching from the sidelines. But you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm starting to feel like there is going to be something very good come out of this.

FF, I'm sorry about how your daughter found out. My 9 yr found out by listening on the phone extension without me knowing. She broke her heart the night she told me she knew. I asked her if she'd told her twin sister (DD2) and she said 'yes'. So all I said to DD2 was, 'if you ever need to talk about daddy not being here, let me know'. My 14 yr old had worked the whole thing out for herself.

3 days ago, I made a casual comment about dad's girlfriend. DD2 looked at me and said 'what, daddy's had an affair?' and just fell apart. For 10 months, I assumed she knew but guessed she didn't want to talk about it and, in fact, she believed the original line that daddy was working away from home. She had a full-scale panic attack and we ended up in the car going to hospital (she has asthma). However, en route we stopped to watch some guys fishing and she calmed right down. An ice-cream at the 7-11 helped too (it was after midnight) and eventually what started out as a terrible evening developed into something special for us.

It is the most devastating result of my WH's A that I have seen such grief in my daughters. They really are such innocents in all of the mess.

There are a lot of people here who are giving you wonderful, caring advice. From my point of view, I believe he has overstepped the mark. This was his chance and he blew it big time. However, it's much easier when it's not your own M!! By the way, with his name on the BC, doesn't he have some kind of legal obligation to support OC?

faith,

How r u doing today? Lots of drama going on. More than anyone should have to live through. Reading from the sidelines is exhausting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Now go out and do something fun for you and your D today. Ladies day at the spa or do something similar at home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Make this a weekly adventure. U 2 s/b a team.

Remember: OWs tell 1/2 truths. PBR (OW in my case), told me the same....so I asked her which # she was 5 or 15 and whatever # she chose it w/b lower than mine (I was his first). LOL!!! That infuriated her but sure made me laugh. BTW, I told the WS also.....let him know that while I have may been his first, I sure didn't like being treated less than #1. He got the pix, even through the fog, that one made it to his brain. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

FF, I am so sorry this is happening again. I have missed this until today, and just can't believe he would do this to you. Maybe it's just from being sick and cranky, but I can't help cheering on b and voting for garbage bags on the front walk. Nothing you did in the past made it ok for him to do this to you, and he has to work his behind off IF there is to even be the glimmer of a chance of winning you back. And he has lost you.

I would never presume to advise mercy or not as far as the ultimate fate of your marriage, but from everything I've read and seen (in my vaaaaaast experience here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) unless there is an immediate herculean effort, your sitch screams out for Plan B.

I feel so sad for your daughter. Only a week or two before recovery #1, my DS8 was talking to then-WH and just burst into tears. "Daddy, I never get to see you anymore! You go away, and you don't come home at night, and you never play with me or do stuff with me, boo hoo hoo!" It really made him squirm, and I have no doubt those words echoed more than once in his befogged mind. How I wish all WS's would have to go through the pain they put their children through.

But I digress. You have been a rock of strength for me as well as many others. I'll be cheering you on all the way, and I know you will come out of this triumphantly no matter what the outcome. Don't forget to don your Cape of Power. Your future is in your own capable hands.

Hugs and prayers,
Neak

Orchid, neak and tt, thanks for checking on me. To add to the drama here WH's friend has been "visiting" for almost a week. He was supposed to stay with us for a day or two and it is now 6 days. Weird guy that makes us all quite uncomfortable. However, it has provided an opportunity for WH to see clearly the results of his CA personality.

I told him last night his job is to make me and DD feel safe. Today, he called MIL and told her to start calling the house instead of his cell and to start calling her granddaughter. Apparently MIL has been communicating with OW and getting pics of OC. He also told her to stop doing that. Then MIL talks to DD today and tells DD that if she expects phone calls from grandma then she should remember to thank grandma for a gift she sent for graduation?

WH told me he would call MIL back and tell her DD is still a child and while should have thanked her for the gift, that should not stop her grandma from being her grandma. I told him I was proud of him for the steps he is taking to put things straight.

Darn, Neak I guess the cape of power was hung up in the closest when I was feeling so weak.

BTW, Pep I am still holding back and letting his fingers do the clean up. Patience is not my best virtue but I am trying.

YIKES - Grandma sounds like a b*tch. So sorry that your daughter has her for a grandma. I'm a grandma to 7, and I love to see them and talk to them. And yes, they need to learn to say thanks, but grandparents can help them learn. Sheesh - what is wrong with this woman?

I don't know, B. She was an A enabler with this OW.

Too creepy for me. No wonder your WH is all messed up. I love my grandchildren, and I think it is my job to help them grow up to be good people.

Believe me, I have given them many things that they didn't thank me for. I just call them and ask how they liked ____________. Then I get the proper thanks.

Your MIL sounds like a loser. During this time, she should be coming along side her grandchildren to help them.

Of course, I had WONDERFUL grandparents, so it comes very easy for me.

I just read this thread.

((((((FF)))))))

Hope you are looking after yourself.

Thanks, smur. Gosh all my MB friends coming out of the woodwork. I am blessed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi FF,

I'm just reading this now, unfortunately don't have time to read all the pages right now. I am very sorry for your pain. I'll be back at work tommorow. love to you, FL