Oh, by the way, I did call her again but she was not there so left a message. I want to ask her if she would do any mediation via phone (I don't think so, but just to be sure), and if somehow she said she could meet with us, then I was going to tell her about the fee (that I do not think I should be paying for it).

But in the mean time do you think H would contact another mediator who is in our area?

I checked her website again and it says she would offer a telephone consultation!!! Ouch!

Okay, then should I tell H that I should not be paying for this...NOW or TOMORROW?

We don't know what he'll do it...

I would tell him right away if I were sure he'd call the mediator.
If not sure, I'd tell him the same moment he mentions it...

Milkshake, this is just Me... we see and feel different situations different ways... and it's the best you do the way you feel you should...
Of course, try to protect yourself FIRST as much as possible, be always at least one day ahead of all information you need (your rights, obligations, etc.), and this part your H needs No to know...

Good luck!

Thanks Belonging - I am trying to contact the mediator, and from what I can tell from her website, she said "if both people are not on the same page, I would not do any negotiation". Also she said she would need both party's signs before starting mediation, so I am hoping that H cannot just go ahead and contact her, make an appointment for both of us, and then expect me to pay for it.

I will try contacting her again and try to at least let her know of my situation. But of course H can always find another mediator...

I talked to the mediator. She said she would do individual counseling first then would do conference or email to both parties. I told her about me not wanting a divorce and also have been paying for pretty much everything and do not feel fair that I would pay half of the costs. She said she understands it, but did not sound like she could really convince H. She said she could talk to him, but how effective is that?? H has not listened to any of his family and friends so far, and just b/c the mediator says something would he listen?

I am tempted to call or email H. I want to let him know that I do not want to pay for the mediator and also if he really wants, then we should try to come up with our own terms. But should I do so by email, telephone, or when I see him tomorrow? I get emotional very easily, so maybe through email is the best way? Please help!

Do you want a D? Sounds like yoiu are making this easy for him...

Why contact the mediator...to be prepared? It seems if WH had set up the mediation (instead of you) and he told you of the fee...you could have stalled until you had the money. Or if you showed up and there was a fee on teh table, you could have cancelled and said you'd reschedule when you had the funds...who knows when that would have been?

True, but I am afraid he might just charge it on our mutual credit card (I haven't canceled it yet b/c there are charges WE BOTH incurred when we went to Hawaii - it was H's idea - and he never paid anything towards it. I paid half of the bills, but leaving the ramining balance b/c that is his and also if we divorce and he demands half of everything, he should get the debt as well, not only the assets!). Then he can just walk away. Not sure if he would do that, but it is technically possible.

So you do want a D or a legal separation so you can hammer out the financial obligations? Protect yourself?

Why don't you send a letter to the credit card company stating you are both separated and no new charges should be allowed?

Have you talked with a lawyer?

Hi Milk,
You're killin me!

STOP!

Go do something else. Dont lift another finger dealing with a mediator. Please!

Personally, I'd get a lawyer and file D. You should have had a child support agreement in place by now.. 5 months with you paying the bills is unacceptable. You can already see mediation isnt going to work. You are already stuck with the bills and he's expecting you to pay more. You see how this is going to go, dont you?

He's gonna get mad an ANYTHING you do to get your fair share. You need to get over that fear and proceed with the best interest of your child in mind. He's certainly NOT worried about making you mad or hurting you, right? You SHOULD be mad, look what he's done. FAIR? Mediation? He's abandoned his family!

FAIR? you pay half is FAIR? Did you laugh outloud when he said that? Nothing about this is fair.

SHIM & Kayla have it right. You get YOUR finances all layed out in a simple format. One page per month, easy to read. If he persist, ask him to do the same, and he'll be stumped.

DONT do any of HIS work for him. MEDIATOR? I cant believe that's even on the table. You didnt want him to leave, you didnt want the D, NOW he wants a mediator?!? That's nuts.

I think when you say to the mediator 'I didnt want this, it's ALL his idea, and I'm not paying for this' all mediation goes out the door. Anticipate this, and get a lawyer.


All great advice... time to get tuff! - Dru

I was in the same situation as you were. If we used a private mediator and the one through the courts. He wanted to go to private mediation so I said fine you pay for it..I am not. My attorney agrees with me and we ended up settling our custody out side of mediation - I think because he did not want to pay the money so he gave in to my wants. I just waited him out. We also found a mediator that took a few months to get an appointment with.

I do not know you situation or if this has to do with custody of your children, but if it does select the mediator carefully because if you and your H are at a crossroads the mediator may make a choice and sometimes the court goes with the decision - so you want to make sure you have the best chance at getting what you want and what is in the best interest of your children.

I knew mine was going to be a HUGE battle, but I ended up with the custody I wanted - I did give a little.

I feel for you I am paying my H car payment also because his car is attached to the mortgage - so essentially I have 2 car payments - this does not seem fair, but I cannot figure another way around it.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks Stillhere and Dru.

I feel sick in my stomach...

I called the credit card companies, but since H is the primary card holders, they can't close the accounts or remove his name. I asked them to remove my name from one of the credit cards (the other one still had the balance - I guess I could pay for whatever I charged, but then remove my name and ask them to send the statement to H? He would be furious though!!!).

I guess once I decide that I would not want this M, then I can even do such nasty thing, but it makes me feel sick to think about these things...

Since this mediator is located 2-3 hours away, she will be doing this via phone, so I cannot walk in with H and show her my expenses. Darn!

I am going crazy here - why can't I get tough?? I have always been a tough one, but now am so afraid to make any move.

Okay, maybe I need to retain the lawyer I liked. I am looking at the contract here right now...

So again, I should not let H know that I should not be paying for the mediation??

help me out here....I am having a panic attack... Maybe I should tell H "no, I do not think it is fair for me to pay for the mediator" on the phone......

I like Dru's idea, mediation shouldn't even be on the table.
Drop it and when/if WH brings up mediation say to him, "I don't think that is the best idea." He CANNOT drag you to mediation unless you are willing to go...

Afraid he will get mad? And do what? I mean really, what power does he have over you?

Please talk to a lawyer, get some advice first about how to protect your finances and shore up your home. If he is thick in his addiction then money is pouring through the apt like a sieve...no wonder he wants you to pay for mediation...so he'll have more for his bimbos, fantasy or otherwise...

Thanks Stillhere - I am scared to think IT IS HAPPENING for real...

I just signed the contract - I am really scared and sad... It's a bad timing too b/c DS2 will not be around this weekend as H would keep him. I hope I can survive this weekend alone...

What to do:

DONT CALL HIM. There is nothing to be gained. At this point, you dont warn him about anything.

Look at what happend: He said 'I want to go to a mediator, and have you pay half'.

How about if he said, 'I want to grow a purple beard'.

You're reaction would be the same: That's nice, so what? or 'uh-huh'.

Dont call him. You dont need to answer him.

What can you do today? This weekend? Take DS to the park? I love cooking, cook a fun meal? See a friend?

Look, nothing is going to be resolved today. For today, you've had enough trauma. You've got months to work on this. Calm down.

You KNOW you did not deserve this. You know you are a good person, full of value. You know you are going through a VERY hard time in your life. Be patient with yourself. You're sad and upset, and you have everyright to be. It's horrible what you are going through.

Step back, breathe... nothing will be solved today. Take care of yourself... You know your strength! You know it's there. One bad apple doesnt ruin a Milkshake! Milkshakes are HEARTY!

I'm gone till Monday, please, please ignore your H. Let his calls go to VM... nothing about this is 'urgent'. I would think about getting that lawyer now. Maybe call Monday?

Please take care - Dru

Thanks Dru. ...I am breathing... maybe once I returned the signed contract with my check - then I may feel I have done "something" at least.....

Oh I wish at least I had my son to go to a park with .... I feel so alone...and I HATE with passion that I am this pathetic and whiny...

milkshake,

""what should I tell H???????????""

I always liked "Pound sand up your a$$ with a rubber mallet".

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k

OK, you have signed the contract...for a minute I thought you signed the mediation contract...and sent it withyour retainer.

Call them up this afternoon and see if you can schedule an appt. when you go, take everything already organized...will save the lawyer and you time...and money later. Take your itemized bills (with receipts) expenses, what he's paid you, then listen to what hte lawyer advises you.

Really THINK about what you want...not what will make WH happy or not mad, but what is best for you, the kids, and the M.

Want to stall the D yet get a temporary settlement in place where bills are divided and visitation in place?

Or want to D?

Come to the lawyers with a plan of what you'de REALLY like to earn/receive from this D, and then with the minimum you'd be willing to live with.

Your kids depend on you to give them a good life, that may mean asking for more than what you think is fair...so you will be able to keep them in jeans in high school.

This doesn't have to turn to D. This is a harsh reality of A's, this is a consequence it is good for the WS to feel. And with your WH's addiction, the more consequences he feels, the better. He is hoping this would go away easily...clap his hands and he could move into fantasyland without any responsibilities...nu uh, ain't going to happen, he's got a wonderful life that will bite him in the butt as he walks out the door...not your doing though...it was his leaving that caused the bite...

Thanks krusht and Stillhere -

I always liked "Pound sand up your a$$ with a rubber mallet".

You successfully lightened up my mind for a moment!!! Thanks!! I wish I could do that for real!...no, I am not joking!

Stillhere, thanks for your advice and encouragement. I have spoken to these lawyers before and think have pretty good expectations, although next time I meet with them, I will be bringing in the expense spreadsheet with me. And one thing I can do is a "legal separation with property settlement", this works just like divorce, but you are not divorced. I am not sure if I want to do this rout, though (the thought of what I would still have to go through emotionally after the filing - ups and downs..., and end up filing for divorce anyway..discourages me...). But I did ask about that before so they know that is something I might be interested in.

Although in Illinois, legal separation is almost NEVER used.

I should not be using the "D power" to secretly hoping to awaken H..., but have to admit that it is still there. I won't be filing for divorce solely for the hope, but maybe 30% (is it too high???) of the reason is that hope.

Ugh...

Not that I want any bad things to happen to H, but I really hope there is such thing as justice and H's wanting to end our M without giving it a serious try would bite him in the butt like you said... and hopefully if that happens, it will be soon rather than 5 years from now (even 1 year seems very long for me right now!)!!!

I hope people are around this weekend (I know Dru won't...), as I am not sure if I can survive the weekend without my baby and without you guys!!!

Yeah, I know, do the D for protection of you and your babe...but hte added bonus may be a wake up call...depends on how fast a learner he will be...

Would you consider calling up some good friends to take you out carousing...you know, coffee shop sitting, window shopping for clothes you'd never be able to afford/wear, amusement park screaming? DO SOMETHING, it will really eat at you if you don't stay busy.

You are not ready for a D...unfortunately, you have to protect yourself from his spending...

Read Pebbles, she filed just to do that, now she has a temporary order she is going to drag it out...and in Plan B.

How is Plan A going? And how much longer can you do it?

Will try to check in this weekend...get OUT!!!!! (of the house I mean)