H left me a message yesterday saying that he would contact a mediator today. H said "it's only fair that we share the cost of the mediator".

I am pretty upset about this statement, as I have been paying for mortgage for the past 5 months, he has been giving me less than 20% of his net income, and has not been contributing towards DS2's daycare tuition either. Plus, I am paying for his car essentially as it is included in the mortgage. I have asked him to pay for these, but he did not. Yet for him to say "it's only fair to share the cost of the mediator"?? Even though he is the one who moved out and wants a divorce??

How should I respond to this?? By email or phone? Please help, I need to talk to him this morning!!!

I would ignore him and his request. If he pushes, ask him to create a balance sheet of who covered what expenses for marital assets since he left, then get back with you.

should i email him asking for the mediator's name and number?

Nope, the burden of hte mediation is upon him.

Get your ducks in a row, copy checks, copy expenses, have all your papers in order... Be prepared to show your expenses for the past 5 months, your income, and what he's paid. WHEN/IF he calls about the mediation, you tell him...you are ready. If he asks you to pay for half tell him you can talk about that at mediation. Ask him where and when and walk in ready. Take a trusted friend if you need support...

Well, what's fair about any of this up to this point? Why change it now! LOL...fair is that if he wants to end the marriage so he can be with someone else, he can pay the bills to make it happen. Just how I feel this morning at least.

I am checking to see if mediators require upfront fees (like retainer fees of lawyers) - b/c if they don't, then I can just tell her there like Stillhere suggested, that I have been paying A LOT more than he has and thus it is not fair for me to pay a half of it. But if she requires a retainer fee, then H would most likely ask me to pay half of it BEFORE we even get to see her.

So... should I email him to ask for her name and number? Or alternatively, I can tell him that we can try to come to an agreement without the mediator so that we can even avoid the mediator costs.

What do you think?? Help!

Stop, don't DO anything. Stop calling mediators, stop doing HIS legwork. This is what you have done in the past...he yanks your chain and you run to the end of it...He knows all he has to do is mention a mediator and you will run to the rescue, set it up, have all the work done for him...JUST STOP!!!

He is a big boy, let him do this all hisself...

Now is not the time to be his partner, or meet him halfway, or save him from hisself. Let him work on the mediation and D by Himself...

According to my experience with the mediator, they don't care who pays, just the bill to be paid.
Also, he asked at the very beginning from both of us to give him checks on $1,000 each as 'retainer'

I would call the mediator and say that 'Sorry, I cannot participate in expenses (cannot aford because I already pay this and that) ', and would ask him to make H to pay for mediation, otherwise cannot accept it.

You can say the same to your H (but after he gives you the mediator name&number, btw, how come you don't have it already??), or not
That is 'not so important'...

Thanks Stillhere. I was saying it b/c IF this mediator charges any upfront fees, I though I had to tell H that I would not want to pay for it, but if she does not charge anything upfront, I thought I do not have to say anything and will just show up with all of my expenses, like you suggested.

And as for US sitting down to talk about the agreement - I thought in the end, the mediator can only suggest things and if (1) I do not even want to get a divorce, (2) H wants a 50% physical custody so that he can avoid child support, these are TWO MAJOR differences we have, and I don't know how she can help, as (1) there is nothing she can do about this, and (2) since he left 4 months ago and I have been the sole caretaker of our son, he won't have a chance to get the custody, and she can only tell him that but if he insists, there is nothing she can do either.

I called three different mediators and so far it appears they do not charge any retainer/upfront fees.

So should I just ignore his message? Shouldn't I at least aknowledge his message yesterday?

what should I tell H???????????

What do you think you should tell him?

Thanks Belonging - I did not see your response above.

Oh, so your mediator asked you to pay half?

If that is the case, I can email him this morning saying
"I got your message yesterday - can you please give me her name and number?"

I've already given my idea...don't ask me anymore. Kayla has given her idea... Why do you keep asking?

I would do that, without worrying what to say (more then that) to H or what he'll say, for you have to protect yourself from further expenses.

Well, at least I would not wait till too late to know if I am obliged to pay some expenses that I consider unacceptable/unfair... and that should have nothing to with H... as what you have been paying seems has nothing to do with him...

To clarify:

If you don't want D and all of this is his 'unilateral action', I'd let him do it by himself, and at his expense (IF possible! and it is not always!), I agree about that

But, at the same time, just be sure that you won't HAVE TO pay half of mediation (if you don't want it), i.e. check if they don't make you pay at the end of the mediation/whatever else...

do not tell him anything- dont help him to do the divorce- he wants it he will pay for it.

Belonging, thanks for your reply. While I was reading your response, H called - he asked firts how my grass is (this is so typical - he wants to "soften" up the subject). Then since he did not bring up the subject, I said "okay, then...", then H asked if I got his message. "Huh? What message?" I just played dumb. He said he left me a message on my cell, so I said okay, I will listen to it now... Then I said,

Me "Okay, I listened to it. Who is she?"
H "I don't know"
Me "I mean, what's her name and number?"
H "Her name is XXX and number is XXX"

Wow, this is the mediator I just spoke to!! I got her name and number online. But she lives like 2-3 hours away from here!!!

So I said
"What is this area code? I don't recognize it. It is the Chicago land?"
H "Oh, I don't know"

Again, this is very typical of him. He is never thorough!

Me "But you can meet someone in Alabama"
H "Oh is this the Alabama number?"
Me "No, I don't know, I am just saying this number is not the Chicago land one and who knows she could be in Alaska"
H "Hmm"

Then he asked how DS2 is doing. I told him how he is doing and what he has been saying, then H started to laugh. He said "Oh, I can't wait to see him. Can I come see him tomorrow?"
"sure"
"Can I keep him?"
"Yes you can"

And that was it. What was that all about???

Well, the lady I spoke to cannot meet with us, obviously, and as far as I know, mediatord cannot work with us over the phone, can they? So H would have to find someone else.

But like you pointed out, Stillhere, maybe H is so used to me always doing work for us and for him. Maybe he expects me to call her now that I have her number.

Anyway, it is interesting to see that H DID NOT call her like he said he would yesterday in his message (well b/c if he did, she should have told him that she is not in our area). H wanted to see how I would have reacted first - I am sure if I got really mad, then he must have contacted her.

I still can't figure him out

I don't think it is helping him at all (why some of you think that way??) if she confirm who pays it before it starts.
It is 'planning your own future expenses'...

Milkshake, why would you accept mediation at all (even if he agrees to pay) if you don't accept D?

I do not want to accept mediation, but if I keep saying no, H would only get mad. I thought IF we are going to see a mediator, I can tell her/him that I do not want to get a divorce. And, H should pay for it as I do not want to get a divorce anyway, and also because I have been paying more bills.