Hi Milk,

If I understand your situation, your H is an active SA, Acting Out within your marriage. That he was OK with that till you objected, which created tension in the marriage, right? That he basically left so that he could immerse himself in a highly immoral lifestyle?

Those things are beyond normal marriage troubles. He was unhappy because he couldnt be a slut while married to you. That's the thing about SA, you're not competing with normal marriages, meeting EN's will not satisfy an SA. In fact, like the alcoholic, they will take advantage of a Plan A till it drains the BS of everything.

That's why Harley says MB doesnt work when addictions are involved. You becoming a 'better' wife, creating a 'happier' household have no affect on addicts. Their drug of choice is beyond anything a normal spouse should ever provide.

I just dont want you thinking you're holding the lion's share of blame here. Your H has huge issues that you could have never 'reasoned' away. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Trust me, I was ooh-la-la and a bucket of chicken, and my H still got trapped (he was before I met him, I just didnt know it).

Trust in yourself. I think you are doing a great job. Please take care - Dru

Thanks Dru. Well H was acting out within our marriage, yes. I am not sure, however, if he was OK with that till I objected, as H did not know about his problem himself. H said he was so glad that he was arrested. For a long time he was wondering what was wrong with him. So I do not think he wants out now, b/c I "busted" him or anything.

H has changed what he was saying for thousand times, so I am not sure what to believe, but one things he said was "I want to divorce, b/c I can ASSURE you that as long as I am with you, I will continue to look for another woman". Another thing he said was "I have this great urge to sleep with another woman, and if I stay married to you, I will have to miss it if an opportunity arrives".

These comments sound like those coming out of an SA. At the same time, he has said "our marriage were working only at the beginning, the rest was all bad", "I was feeling empty and sad", "I have too much anger towards you, this is not going to work", "you were never happy with me and always pissed at me", etc. These sound like normal comments about a bad marriage. This is the part I have been struggling with.

Now H is jogging and working out everyday. When we met, he was very healthy and jogging all the time. He was an A student. H was not smoking at all. After we started dating, however, he resumed smoking and quit jogging. And also behind my back, he was smoking marijuana as well.

While we were living separately for one year (I took an overseas job assignment), H signed up for LOVALIFE and was acting out. I just did not know. H was working out every day again during this period.

Then when I came home, he stopped working out.

Now he is alone again, he is working out. What does this mean? That he is ready to meet someone new? That he is getting healthy b/c he does not live with me anymore? Why could not he work out while he was with me?

I am shaking. I just spoke to H. I called to ask what time H was coming to DS3's birthday party on Sunday.

If you recall my story last week, I extended the invitation to H last week. He said he would like to come but was not sure and if he was to come, he said he would come before everyone else shows up.

So that was my expectation. I just called b/c there are a few things I need to take care of on Sunday morning and wanted to know when he would pop up.

ME "hey, it's me"
H "hi"
ME "are you coming on Sunday?"
H "yeah, I will. Who is going to be there?"
ME "your parents, brothers and sisters, and my friends..."
H "Okay I will come"
ME "What time?"
H "What time does the party start?"
ME "2PM"
H "Okay I will be there at 2 then"

I was really caught off guard by this, as I believed he would be there in the morning instead. So I panicked. When I panic, I tend to speak a lot....

ME "Oh, okay, good, well, actually that's good b/c I need to go pick up the cake at 1pm and I would need someone to watch DS3 in case if he is taking a nap during that time..."
H "Okay I will be there early, I will be with DS3 then when you are gone"

Then I regreted it. I don't trust H at this moment. The last thing I want to do at this point is to leave H alone at home. He may take something out of the house.

I called my girlfriend and she agreed to go pick up the cake so that I do not need to leave the house.

Now I want to call back H to let him know that he would not need to come early. Maybe I would wait until tomorrow and do so. Or maybe I would do so on Sunday morning.

My heart is pounding.... I hate this! This is the man I spent the past 15 years with, and I am so scared that H would come to our son's birthday party I cannot think straight. Because I know he is coming only b/c it's DS3's party. He cannot wait to start the divorce process. How am I going to behave in front of the guests? Why did he decide to come later when other people are there? Is it because he no longer even has the uncomfortable feeling? If I were him, I would feel so bad and scared and uncomfortable that I cannot be in front of everyone pretending nothing is wrong with us.

I am panicking.... need to calm down. Any advice as to how I should behave on Sunday and what kind of expectation I should have (H is not going to give me his terms in front of everyone, is he???)? Also, when should I call H to let him know he does not need to come early on Sunday?

I am scared H would disappoint me in whatever way (such as announcing to everyone that we are divorcing, or giving me some paperwork to do after the party, or telling me about how his mediation went, or something, something to completely ruin DS3's birthday party fun) - BIG TIME.

Please give me some insight and advice...

Milkshake,

First thing you need to do is calm down.... I see you play the same game in your head I do .... The "What If" game...

I been getting alot of flack about that myself and I finally realized we can't sit here and say what if all the time....

IMO its just one of those things that you will have to deal with if it happens.... Try to stay calm is the best advice I can offer... I know its not much because I myself am a wreck half the time...

I am sure someone with better advice will show up soon... In the meantime take care of yourself ...

MS,

Just take a deep breath and relax, I actually see this as encouraging. He is taking a part in the family by being there and he is now willing to be around the family with you. That is a pretty big statement IMO. Don't let your fears and anxiety get to you. Just let it happen...couldnt there be a possibility that he misses you. My guess is that your not being able to think straight is because you still love him very much, miss him and are excited to see him but you are affraid that his desire is of false pretenses. Think about this, just maybe, he is starting to come around even if only a little. You will have to get used to him being around regardless of how everything turns out because of your children. I am not saying let your guard down completely, but try to enjoy your time with him there. This could be the start of something good. Here is my advice, Just relax and go with the flow...whatever happens will happen, don't force a situation that may not have been by allowing your fears to control you.

I urge others to jump in here and provide their opinions as well...

R.

Thank you hurting and seeking change. The only thing I can do it try to be strong.... I hope this is (that H is coming to the party) at least not a bad sign...

Any more advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!

bump

H left DS3 a message last night (we were out).

H is supposed to call on Mondays, Wednesdays, and sometime during the weekend. Monday he did not call. He called instead Tuesday night but we were out so he just left DS3 a message. Then he called on Wednesday night. Then again on Thursday, since it was DS3's birthday, H called but that time we were not home yet so H said he would call back. H did, and that time he spoke to DS3. Then last night again. Four days in a row...

I wonder if H is feeling just a bit guilty that he was not around for his son's birthday. I wonder if he was remembering three years ago when our son was born? Maybe not, guys are not like women right - I don't think he was remembering the day DS3 was born like I DID and felt sad.

Or I was wondering if the news about all of those people stuck without food and water for days in New Orleans made H feel sad and reminded him of his family? Because that is what I have been feeling. Feeling very sad for them, and I wondered what if the hurricane hit here now instead... I would have to save my baby and dog myself, go somewhere, make sure we have food and water... I would not have a MAN to help me. That thought made me sad and scared, but I know I would do it. And I wonder if H ever even wondered about that - that he cannot even save his own family. If he does not love me, maybe he could care less about saving me, but I am darn sure he wants to save his own baby. But his son is not even with him. That thought should depress him.

Anyway, it is pointless to think what H whose mind has been so mixed up might be thinking... But I just hoped he has some sense of guilt this week.....

I asked his brother and his wife to show up a bit early if they can, as I want to avoid the time alone with my husband tomorrow. I won't be able to pretend for too long that I am happy and everything is fine!

Reality bites big time. Let it bite the WS. They don't have a central nervous system anyways. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You are right about family being there for family. Times of need are just the real visual ones. Family needs t/b there for family all the time. Especially the father/H. So if he isn't doing his job, the guilt s/b borne by him and him alone. If he is feeling guilty, he s/b. Don't feel sorry for his guilt. Remember WS' like guilt. Your H doesn't but the WS do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

U R right to have support while he is around. He has said and done many hurtful things. Trust in him is gone and so you s/b protected. Let others witness his weirdness.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid. There are still some guests but are leaving now.

One guest who knows what happened to us and has known H for a while said to me "XXX looks good". I was sad to hear this, as this indicates H is not weird..... Reality did not bite H's big axx. H acted as if he still lives here, and telling guests "help yourself". This pissed me off a bit. I put this party all by myself and H just showed up like a guest, H did not pay for any of this party, has not paid for the house for 5 months now, and yet telling people "help yourself"???

I was pissed that I asked H to go pick up pizzas and made him pay for it!

DS3 had a good time, so that was GREAT. When H left, my niece asked me later "why is XXX leaving?" I had to tell her "because he does not live here anymore". Kids understand things a lot more than we think...

i agree milk

my 3 year old neice came to visit this summer. she asked where my other dog was....i told her he was with his daddy...she said "why isn't his daddy here?" i told her that her uncle **** didn't live here anymore...she asked me when i am going to move away to live with him.

she kept saying that her uncle **** needed to hurry up and come home because the dog was missing his brother.

then when we were getting ready for bed...she asked if she could sleep with me and she said...Is this where my uncle **** used to sleep?

her favorite word right now is "why" so of course....he doesn't live here anymore....."why?" becuase he lives in another house...."why?" because he didn't want to live with aunt eav anymore..."why?"

good question...."why?"

I know, these "why"s are very tough to answer. Really, I can't answer "why" papa does not want to be with us anymore......

H just acts like his actions have been accepted by everyone now. This really pisses me off.... he does whatever he wants and it is okay??? He abandoned his family!

Milkshake
Sounds like your party went better than you thought. I hope you enjoyed it.

His family will be supportive of him because he is part of the family. However, they may have some reservations about his choices as well. At the the end, they will support him, but that does not mean they agree with everything he does. The problem is that all you see is them being supportive. I know it is hard not to think about; I am straggeling with this myself.

Daisy

Thanks Daisy. I know, but in the end, the blood is thicker than water. What else can they do? Not to talk to H at all for the rest of his life? Of course not, and if in the future H brings a new girlfriend/wife, they would have to welcome her into their family. This is very depressing.

On the separate note, some interesting thing happened. Despite that we did not go to bed until 1:30am, we woke up at a decent time to go to a picnic. One of the familes that came to DS3's party on Sunday invited us over.

So I was driving when my cell phone rang. It must have been around noon. It was H. He asked "where are you?" so I said "oh, we are in the car". H asked "where are you going?" so I said "to a picnic". H said "oh, okay", but then immediately "with who?" This time I did not give him the straight answer right away. I said "oh, there are going to be a bunch of families, and we were invited". H was like "hmmm", but did not ask any further.

Then he said "I want to have DS3 next week okay" in a rather upset voice. I did not reply right away, as he sounded upset. H said "DS3 has a right to spend more time with daddy". So I replied calmly "XXX, you do see him every other weekend, and you basically spent the whole afternoon with DS3 yesterday as well". H did not say anything to this but I could tell he was not happy. Then he said he wanted to speak to DS3, so I let him talk to him.

I know I should not be over analyzing every little thing H does or says, but why is he curious as to where we are going and who we will be spending the day with? Is it because of the last week incident (for those who do not remember - while H was here, I received two phone calls and H asked whether I have met 'someone'), or is it because H met one of my guy friends H has never met before yesterday at the party, and H thought he might be my new boyfriend (he is not of course)? My friend was here with his son. He knows about my situation, and maybe assumed that H would not be here, so when H introduced himself to my friend, he was like "what is your name? XXX? Oh, XXX?", acting a bit surprised. That might have given H an impression that something might be strange? Of course the reason he acted a bit surprised was he has heard some of my stories and he decided that H is a jerk - and would not have imagined this 'jerk' was standing right in front of him! I thought it was kind of funny.

Well, I should not have any hope though...., as in the past, my hope was always destroyed. I think H was not jealous because of me. H might have been jealous when he imagined someone else could replace him to be a father of DS3. H said one time (2 days after he moved out) to DS3 "whoever ends up being with MILK, I am the only Papa to you, okay?".

If that bothers him, why doesn't he stop what he is doing now??

WS' don't stop their stupid actions because they can't. In the fog it is like a drug. The A is addicting but they are responsible for their actions. That is life.

Make sure you id your boundaries. Sounds like he wants to push you until your crack. Be smart. Don't let him push you to the edge.

L.

Thanks Orchid. I have to keep reminding myself of the importance of the boundarires. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Can you tell me exactly what you mean by H's possibly trying to push me till I crack? Are you talking about his visitation schedule? Or do you feel that H is playing this mind game and trying to give me the fake impression as if H is somewhat jealous or at least the idea of someone may replace H bothers him, in order to get a better deal (financially and custody wise) or something?

Yesterday morning, H called here at the house first. He left a message "hi, I just wanted to see if everything was okay yesterday and wanted to talk to DS3. Where are you guys at?". Then he called me on the cell.

So here I am, being naive, again, I just assumed at least the fact we were out again yesterday might have bothered H, and that is why he wanted to know where we were going, but Orchid or other experienced people - do you feel that H is trying to trick me, and in fact none of these really bother him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

.....

Milkshake,
Take a deep breath. I know how easy it is to analyze every word your H sais, but for your own sanity you need to try very hard not to do it. I doubt he is trying to trick you... He may just be concerned about his son. But the fact is that you don't know and nobody but your H knows. Don't read too much into his actions. Unless he comes to you and tells you "I want to work on the M", you need to start taking care of you. It is easy to say and hard to do. I know. So, just try not to think about him and what he is up to...

Daisy

Your H may have escaped and called, once the WS finds out he will use H's words against you. It is the WS you must be leary of.

On the other hand many Ws' attempt to use the of care and concern, then blast the BS later. Some even attempt to present evidence in court to pretend they are caring parents when in reality they are everything but caring.

Seeing both scenarios above should make you aware or wary of any attempts to 'sound' nice. Be cordial and accept his concern but don't analyze it too much. In time, you will find out his true motives. If he really loves his child, that love will be an enemy of the A. The turmoil and conflict will then be within himself.

Stay out of that conflict.

L.

Orchid, if you are in my shoe, would you start the divorce procedure or would you wait until you hear something about this "mediator" situation with H?