Thanks Daisy. I just responded to your thread. We are both having a sad day today, huh. At least we are not alone going through this...

My girlfriend I met last night went through ****** too. Her husband killed himself. He fell in love (so he thought) with this young girl he was training on the job. They worked together only for a month and a half. Then she left the company and they were exchanging emails (but she was replying to his emails just to be nice as she thought he was her mentor) - after weeks, he asked her to come back and told her his feelings and she replied "what are you talking about, you have a wonderful wife, I have a boyfriend too, go back to your wife". Then the guy killed himself. That was Jan 2000.

She told me she had the same fear - that if she dies, no one would find her body for days/weeks and the thought really depressed her. So she understood my pain and fear. But she became Christian and now she said "it's okay, if I die, I will just go to Heaven". She is so much stronger.

So there is hope that we can get stronger too - eventually. Even though my H is gone for four months, the whole mess started the end of Nov last year, so it's been 9 months for me. Still, I feel a bit stronger one day and feel completely weak the very next day. Sometimes I feel like I would never be able to feel "okay" 24/7.

Just like now the only joy you feel is when you are with your cats, my son is the only source of my happiness now. So when I do not have him around (like this weekend) it is incredibly hard. Hey, at least you do not have to "share" your cats with your husband!

I hope this week will not be too hard, though, since I returned the contract to my lawyer, most definitely I will hear back from them and that would certainly depress me. So this week will be difficult.... sigh...

Oh I am soooooooooooooooooooo MAD!!! I was going over my bills and noticed AGAIN, H charged his own computer service fees and video rental charge on our card (I am paying for it)!!! And he is not paying for our cell phone (I am paying for it and asked him to pay half and he ignored my request).

I am now GLAD that I have my lawyer. I will seek professional advice as to what I can do from now on.

I don't blame you!!! Now that I no longer have the hope I had it makes me so bad to think that H left but expected me to pay for his rent and deposit and still asks me for money. I tried to understand his behavior but now I just see him as less of a person for doing it. And I have a feeling he will keep it up.

There has to be some way to stop that credit card, or get your name of it.
I am in the same boat, although I have no intention of paying the card but I am going to go look into getting my name out of there.

Daisy

I called the credit company ans told them H lost his card so they need to suspend the account. They closed it but won't be able to send new card(s) unless H calls b/c he is the main card holder. Of course, which means I don't technically have to pay the bill, but I just do not feel fair to not pay my own charges, and thus I was paying in the past. But now that the account is suspended, H cannot use it unless calling the company to issue new card(s). Then they will arrive at my place, so I won't simply give it to him.

The other card we also shared has not been used by H. But I removed my name last week.

Isn't it awful you cannot trust someone you loved and trusted and believed would die with, and have to take these measures to protect you?

Good morning Milk,

I think you did the SMART thing, securing the lawyer. The lawyer should be able to to get a handle on the finances very quickly. Explain to him that you are very concerned about being held liable for your H's spending, these last 5 months through today. That your H hasnt contributed to the family financially. That you have been unable to close or suspend these accounts on your own. The laywer should jump all over that, and come up with a tempory child support order very quickly.

The video and cell phone issues were the perfect eye-opener for you! Not too expensive, but shows you exactly where his mind is at. Time to go into hyper-defensive mode asap! You've got a very young son you're going to have to support for a very long time.

I agree with your concerns about your H being influencial in your sons upbringing. I'd be very clear with the lawyer about the mental and addiction problems your H has admitted to, and that you want supervised visitation ONLY, until your H acheives sustained sobriety.

As for your moods and emotions, expect these to keep fluxuating as they did for you all weekend. You'll feel confident and strong, then sad and lonely. Expect it to be bad for a while, ok? Just give yourself a break, be gentle with yourself, cry when you need to, and enjoy any little thing that you can. It's going to be bad for a while, then it will start to get better, really!

You're doing the smart thing. Please take care - Dru

Thanks Dru.

Actually it turned out it is a really hard day today. I spoke to H this morning, and he said he DID call the mediator and would go ahead and start the negotiation. I told him I would not want to pay half b/c he is the one who wants a divorce and also simply b/c I cannot afford. H did not really argue b/c he was at work but told me to sell the house.

In the end he said "I will make it very simple and what I think fair". I don't know what he thinks is "fair", as leaving his family like this just b/c he wants freedom is not "fair" in the first place.

Even though I can think of 100 bad habits/behaviors including addictions H has, and I can be very mad at him, but it still hurts tremendously much to think our vow has been broken and he no longer loves me or needs me.

I have been praying and reading a lot, but I just do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. It's so dark.

I miss old days where we call each other 5-6 times a day and in addition email each other all the time. I miss getting excited about the weekend and ask each other "what do you want to eat tonight? Do you want to go so and so?"

I don't have any of that now. Why can't he think we can improve our relationship and be happy? Because it requires hard work?

I called a pastor counseling service this morning. She told me she has been divorced as well. Her husband was alcoholic and sex addict as well, but he left for another woman 14 years ago. Another realization - even if you keep praying and are heavily involved in church, still this crap can happen and you can't stop that.

Be honest, often I feel "why bother praying... nothing is going to change anyway and H continues to believe I have made him unhappy". I understand in my head that I need to pray for myself and for the strength I need, but I really don't understand why God does not help H at all. H has nasty addictions and because of that our relationship was greatly impacted. His secret life and lies brought a lot of anger and resentment out of me, and my explosive personality certainly did not help there either, which led to the bad situation where I ended up nagging H all the time, making H feel very miserable and inadequate. H could never rest home.

If God had so much power, HE should not have given these addictions to H in the first place, so that we did not fight as much. I could have respected my husband more.

I feel so betrayed by everything I believed in and unfairness of life and hopelessness.

Come on now, Milk...


Now, I'm not much of a bible-thumper, but do you really want to be poking the bear, right now? How's your health? How's your babies health? Living in a cardboard box? Got a job? Your baby fed? Got VD? Have you READ the stories here? You've gone 5 months without financial support, do you know how many here would be in shelter in your case?

The good things come from God. God did not GIVE your H an addiction... that's the devils job. Your H had God on one side of him, and the devil on the other, and he went with the devil.

Let's point the blaming finger squarely at your H's weaknesses, OK?


Your H created this timebomb... sure, at some point, you may have been able to deal with this more tactfully, but I dont see the end results being much different, do you?. It may have spared you some additional pain if you'd gotten firmer with your boundaries sooner, but he's still decided to live in a life of addiction. No one can really compete with that. You know that, right? - Dru

Dru, this is one of the best awakening advice. I often forget about basic things I am very blessed with - such as my health (so far, and I hope the stress from this divorce would not cause any damage to my system!!!), my son's health, my parents's health (they are 8000 miles away but knowing that they can help me out if I really need them gives me some comfort), and my job. Thanks for reminding me of this.

And as for God vs. devils - this is a part I am still struggling about... I am trying to believe that something GOOD will come out in the end, and I will be a stronger, better person after this experience. But to be honest, I still wish that I did not have to learn HARD way to become a better person. I feel I have gone through enough to learn lessons and do not need this extra challenge in my life.

(1) I came to this country to be with H in 1993. I don't have any family here and did not have any friends. I did not even speak good English back then. I have always been homesick. H was not all that supportive througout this period.

(2) I have learned that H lies frequently soon after we got married. When I discover his lies, he apologized and I forgave him but I felt I was betrayed by the man I trusted enough to come to another country for.

(3) I almost got a job with a company located in the South tower above 94th floor (thus trapped by the explosion) of the World Trade Center in 2000. I went there for interviews for three times or so. In the end it did not work out. A few months later a lady ended up getting the job I was interviewing for. She was killed by the 9-11 attack. I would have been sitting in the same office had I got the job, and if she could not get out, there is no way I could have survived either.

(4) A year later, our first was born. He had some problem and needed to go into surgery when only two month old. Apparently H was smoking pot by then on a regular basis and thought that might have contributed to our son's medical conditions, and secretly asked his doctor if his marijuana smoking has caused the damage. The doctor said no, and H continued to smoke (behind my back).

Now aren't they traumatic enough experiences that I could use to become a better person? Becoming a mother itself teaches you so much. If everything happens for a reason, I am not really sure why I still have to go through another traumatic event.

I wish God has given H much stronger personality.

Milkshake,
I hear you. There is no consolation in the statement "someone else has it worse". That statement always makes me angry, because what do you say to parents that have lost a child to murder? You still have your health. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It does not ease our pain just because someone has more pain and it does not diminish the questions we pose to God. Yes, time will help, but I feel pain today. The way I look at it is that life is about living. We live around people so we are effected not only by our choices but by theirs. We cannot control things. God watches over us, but in order to experience live to the fullest God cannot solve all our problems.

But as I said, I understand. These couple of days have been hard on me as well. H is in CA and I have not talked to him since last Tuesday. I miss him. It is that simple. I miss our conversation, I miss his hugs and kisses. I am afraid I will never have those things with him again. It hurts but I have to find strength. I went to see a doctor for some medication today. He asked me about my problems. Then he said you know, there can be no clapping with one hand. I smiled. It is true. We cannot force our H back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

Daisy -

We cannot force our H back, true. But I am still trying to figure out if there is anything else I can do to HELP change the situation. Other than improving myself. Improving myself would be important, regardless. But honestly I do not believe H would notice anyway. H does not even live with me and won't even look at me in the eyes. That will not HELP him change his mind.

I know it takes two people to make a relationship work...., but after so many years, how can I simply say "okay, you are not trying anymore and I understand"??

It's hurting and I don't know how to ease the pain.

have been reading a lot of articles and books, which seems to help calm me down a bit...

milkshake,

I feel like you and I are in the same boat (except no children here). H just left, no A, and there does not seem to be anything to do to get him back.
I agree all we have is to work on ourselfs. Unfortunately, even if they notice they are likely to be sceptical. Last month when I discussed IC with H and my working on myself, he said "fine, as long as you are not doing it for me". I was so angry then. How selfish of him. But now, what do I care what he thinks. I hurt, I cry for the loss, I feel despair, but I am moving, living, and one day (don't know when) I'll be happy again. I tell myself not to be angry with H (very hard) because I don't want to be bitter. I will not give him the satisfaction of turning on him, and on all the nice times together. I will not re-write history. But if he wants truth I'll give it to him. It was not always a good M, but I was willing to work hard to make it, he was my love and best friend. If he does not see I am worth it, I'll move on and hopefully find someone who will see I am.
But some days are just hard, as you know.
Hang in there.

Daisy

Oh, I forgot.
I read this nice article, maybe you already have it, on what to do when your mind keeps on thinking about one thing. Has some nice suggestions.
http://www.ediets.com/news/article.cfm?cmi=1377340&cid=7&code=24044

Daisy

Milkshake,
I don't know if you are ready for this book but you might want to just look at it on amazon. It is called "rebuilding: when your relationship ends" by alberti and fisher. I got it today. It was difficult to buy since I felt like I was giving up, but I read a little bit at the book store and it realy spoke to me.

It does not have any "10 steps to get over your man" or some such nonsense. It is honest, and realizes that what you are going through is painful and admits it will take time and there is no quick fix.

I began reading it today and I think even if your M is not over it has a lot of insight that would be helpful in rebuilding the M.

Anyway, just a thought.

Daisy

Thanks Daisy. I am reading a lot of books and two of them are about how to cope with lost love/broken marriages. It was hard at the beginning to even open them, b/c like you said, I felt that I admited that our marriage is truly over. But now I can read them when I am not feeling too lonely or depressed.

I don't know your whole story, but the fact our spouses want to move on with their lives even though they may not have anyone, is the same, and I know, that really hurts.

H also told me (this is before H moved out) when I told him about going to church - "don't do it for me, do it for yourself".

After that, however, for a couple of times H flipped (wanted to reconcile). So just because he said that, that does not mean it was the end. At the same time, H never truly made a committement to saving our marriage either - so it was bound to fail.

I went to an IC this afternoon. She said if I have let H know my feelings and I am willing to make changes but H does not want to hear it, then maybe we were not meant to be together.

Is there such thing as "not meant to be together" after spending 15 years together and having a beautiful boy together?

But I know she is trying her best to make me realize that I just cannot control the situation and must accept the reality.

H's sister (the one who sympathizes with him) called and said she would not make it to DS's birthday party on Sunday. She asked me to change it to Sat., and now she says she would be gone from Sat morning till Mon morning. I'm so glad I did not change the schedule just b/c of her! She is so self-centered. DS's 1st birthday party was the same thing - she asked us to make changes to accomodate her schedule and in the end she could not make it. She and H are very similar - SELFISH!!! They must have a very bad DNA!!! No wonder she has never been able to sustain her relationships (she must have dated over 50 men - she is 35 now) for on average more than 6 months. The longest was 1 1/2 years. Maybe really there is something wrong with them..... In that case I should be happy that I can get away from THEM!

Milkshake,
I have to say that I am really surprised that a C would tell you such a cliched comment as "you were not ment to be".

If I was you I would not hold on to that statement. It has no meaning. It is just some "holywood" term that he is throwing at you like "I love you but I am not in love with you". He is just throwing you lines that he never even had to think of. Don't listen to the B*** S**T.

The fact is that he is not willing to work on the M. He just wants to get away. Did he ever try to work on the M?

You were married 15 years, that is a long time. He finds leaving an easy solution then sticking it out and working on it. Basically, if my H is any indication, it sounds to me like they just don't see the possibility that things could be better.

I look at the people on this sight and see what ****** they go through and so many of them make the M better then it was before they started to work on it. It can be done. However, they both must want it!!!

You cannot do it alone milkshake. You can not make him see it. He has to see it. If he doesn't then you have to let go. I am letting go. Don't want to. I really don't want to, the loneliness scares me, I'll miss him, but we have to do it for our own happiness.

Daisy

Daisy -

It seems you are getting stronger and stronger - I feel everyone is getting stronger than me!

Today is bad again (I knew this was going to be a challenging week!!!). It's my son's third birthday. I was thinking how quickly within three years things could change so much - we were the happiest and most proud parents three years ago. I just don't understand why these memories do not hurt H.

H either does not see our marriage could be much better, or could see it but realizes that it would require a lot of work and he just does not want to go through that. H just wants an instant "improved" version.

Unless he somehow sees the possibility of our happier marriage and in fact that it would be far better than any of those potential "instant" upgrades in the end because of our family history and memories..., nothing will change.

How are you letting go? Do you still speak to your husband? Have you started doing the divorce paperwork?

Milkshake

How are you letting go?

I don't really know if I am. For some reason it is so difficult to even judge that. But I am trying. I no longer think of us being able to work it out. I am focusing on me. I go hiking with an outdoor club once a week. I met some people and am going camping with them this weekend. I am doing this I enjoy and even going beyond the comfort zone, which is really something I wanted to do but was too scared to.

There are 24 hours in a day so it is impossible to keep busy the whole time and not think of H, but I keep telling myself, I did the best I could at the time, but I cannot do it alone. H does not want to work on it, I have to work on me, getting through it. Sometimes I don't know what else to do.

I don't know if I should cry or not. I don't want to. But I have this terrible physical pain in my chest that hurts my entire upper back. It’s there all day. I take medication at night so that I can sleep. It helps me relax so when I wake up in the morning the pain in my chest is not there. But very soon it is back and stays all day. I know it is because of the M. I am really anxious and stressed. I don't know if I should just cry and maybe it will go away. But if I cry I feel really awful so I don't want to. I am really confused... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Do you still speak to your husband?

We have not talked since last Tuesday.
We do not have kids, so there really is no immediate reason for us to talk. Frankly, there is nothing to say about the M and I don’t even know how to have any other type of conversation. He wants it over, and I have accepted it. I will not have a discussion with him on the topic anymore. What would be the purpose??? So I can be hurt more, as he re-writes history <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> and tells me we just got together because we were two lonely people, or more negativity. I want to keep my own memories; I don't need his version of events...

I am going camping so I wrote an email to him asking him to take care of the cats for me. He agreed. Nothing more was said. He is coming from CA today. Don't know how he will get home from airport, but it is not my concern. I offered him a ride to the airport, I did so much this last 4 months for him, and he took it all. Now I am done. It is not my concern what he is doing... I hate that this is the way it has to be but I can no longer put myself out there to slither in the mud. It is time to stand tall and enjoy the view...

I do have to ask him to borrow the sleeping back and I hate doing it…

Have you started doing the divorce paperwork?

No. I will when I am ready or when H starts. I am not ready to go down that emotional rode right now, but if he starts it then I will have to face it, I guess the way you have to. BTW, I really do not see him starting it. The reason is that he is the biggest procrastinator I have ever had the pleasure to meet and in general really not that responsible. But he may yet surprise me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We cannot get divorced till we are separated for 1 year - which will be on May 8th (yes, he did leave on Mother's day - luckily I am not a mom). I thought about a legal separation but I will get to it when I am ready. Maybe starting next year...

I really hope you are doing better. You will get stronger.
The book I am reading gave me some suggestions. One thing it says is not to play the "if only I had done this " game. Instead, "I did the best I could with what I knew and what I had to work with". It is true. I made many mistakes, but they were not intentional and I was prepared to work on the M now like never before...

Take care... {{{{{milkshake}}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

Thanks Daisy.

It is a very good suggetion to tell yourself "I did the best I could with what I new and what I had to work with". I did not know how he was feeling and reasons of his behaviors so just kept nagging, nagging and nagging. But I did not know he was feeling lonely and sad and thus was trying to detach himself from me.

Enjoy your camping. Are you going to fish? I am throwing a birthday party for my boy on Sunday and on Monday we were invited to a picnic. So this weekend should be able to keep me busy.

Hugs.

Milk