Milk,
I agree it stinks.

My family is asking me what is happening with our M. I don't even know what to say. People who are not going through this just don't know that 1. it may take a long time for us to even think about starting to work on the M and 2. it will take some time to resolve the issues once you begin to work on the M. It just sounds like a lot of time to invest and of course a D may still happen at the end. For people watching from the outside a D seems reasonable right now. For us, it is not so simple.

I was talking to a friend and it took her and her H 2 years to get her M on strack after his A. She said in the long run, 2 years is not a lot to get your M on track, but while you are in it, it is like being in the middle of the sea, seems hopeless...

I just wish there was so clear plan I could take...I hope the book I ordered helps...

Daisy

Daisy, I hear you. It it not that simple. I don't blame the outsiders, though, as I used to give similar suggestions to those going through marital problems. I was like "if your husband cheated on you, he will probably cheat you again, why would you want to beg for him to come back? Just move on!" Gee, I did not know any better. You have a lot more complicated and deeply attached feelings for your spouse and your relationship. Still, I know my situation is not healthy for me either. I just do not see anything in the future if I continue to live like this. H has no incentive to change. If we divorce, H may be very happy. Or H may regret and want to change something. Either way, it will change things, but right now, I feel that H is not going to change - if he is miserable, he still blames me for it, and if he is happy, then he has no incentive to come back to what he portraits as a "miserable life" with me.

Unless, he continues to go to church and starts to see things differently, or continues to go to his counseling and learns to take ownership of his problems.

But H has been in counseling for over a year now and he is still at Step 1 (there are 12 steps to recovery from addictions). Step 1 is basically for you to be able to acknowlede that you have problems without blaming others.

My problem is...., how do you really manage to not think about your troubled M and your H? I know I have to keep myself busy, go out, spend time with my son and friends, read, pick up new hobbies, etc., but I still catch myself thinking about my M and H and my future. If I do not have to think about it, how easy that would be....

Does filing for divorce make it easy? Probably not. There is no easy way out. I hate this feeling of us being "stuck"....

I am jumping into this at the end, but I have read all of your postings and in some ways feel like I have found a group of people that I can finally connect with. What you all talked about, seems to fit my situation really closly. The only difference is that I am not married yet. I was engaged, with plans to be married November 5th. Then two months ago I find out my fiancee had sex with my sister. I DEFINATELY feel like I am his doormat at this point. He owns the house, and I really cant afford to go out on my own right now, so, I gave in, don't bring up the topic and try to show no emotions towards him. But inside I am dying. I really thought I was making headway with this whole situation, but today has been a really, really tough day.
I guess I am "using" your thread because you all seem to be feeling somewhat the same or you have been where I am at some point in time.

Hi hrt,

I am sorry to hear what happened to you and your fiance. Among all the people, he slept with your sister!

How is your relationship with your sister since then? Do you two still talk to each other?

Is your fiance showing any remorse? Since you are still not married, I would suggest that you two really address this seriously before making the committment. You definitely need MC. How can you marry to someone you can't truly trust? Can you postpone your wedding?

I haven't talked to my sister since I found out. I don't want anything to do with her at all. She has not tried to apologize or explain herself at all.
Sometimes I really feel like he is, but only after he can PLAINLY see how he has hurt me deeply. For the most part I am trying to keep my emotions to myself. But if I've been crying, he can tell. Other times he is a complete jerk. Doesn't want to feel the guilt or feel bad about himself at all. That he has moved on and is trying to put the past in the past and can't seem to understand why I have bad days or how I can still be hurting so badly.
We have COMPLETELY cancelled the wedding. Right now we aren't even TALKING about getting married. I think we should go to MC, but he won't go.

hrt1,
I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you...Please address the issue now...really, do not marry this man without first talking about the affair...

Making a M work is hard work. Entering it with an unresolved affair will just strain the M more. I am not dealing with an A so I really don't know what you are going through at all, but please do not sit on your feelings. You say you are dying inside. Please talk to him about it. I am not sure I understant why you don't talk about it...Maybe reading a book will help. People here seem to be reading "Surviving the Affair". I have not looked at it but it sounds like it helps most people here...have a look at it.

I can understand if you feel you are financially stuck, but being emotionally stuck is much much worse. I sense that you feel traped and it will be very damaging to you and to the R (if you want it) to stay and keep quite just because of financial reasons. You really need to talk to him, find some way to discuss it...

In this case since it is your sister he had the A with this seems even more complicated then other cases.
But, are you in contact with your sister? Is he in contact with your sister? The advice given here is that he breaks of all contact with the OW. I really don't know how it will work in your case...

{{{{{{{{{hrt1}}}}}}}}}}}
you may want to get your own threat going so that you get all the support from everyone here that you need right now...you story sounds really complicated and people who have delt with an A here will help...

Best, take care
Daisy

I've tried to talk to him about it, and at first he seems understanding and wants to listen, but about 2 minutes into the conversation of how I am feeling, he gets mad and says I am just drawing this out and like "feeling sad". I'm just to the point of giving up.
I have posted my thread. I've met Frozen, which seems to be in the same situation (except the sister thing).I guess today has just been a really tough day. I was reading this thread and found some people that have been or are still with men that are selfish and cruel. I'm sure most of this is because I am just feeling depressed and down. But I just wanted someone to talk to that understands what It's like to feel like you have given everything you could to a selfish man, and they just don't care.

hrt1,
ok, i just read your post, we must be posting at the same time.

I think it is a good think you postponed the wedding, that is a good step. As far as MC, I can tell you from experience that when my H left I pressured him into MC and he did it. But at the end he really did it only for me and not because he felt it was something that we needed. After 5 sessions he said he did not want to do it. Now, I also see that I really was not ready to do it, because I needed time to think about what has happened...I was so hurt by him and that did not help in MC to work on our problems...What I am saying is that you may not be ready for MC yet. If he does not want to go, don't pressure him now. You may want to go to Individual counseling (IC) yourself. I started IC when H left and it is very helpful.

You may want IC not only to deal with the fact that your fiance had an A, but more importantly I think that your own sister slept with your fiance. I think that is really the bigger betrail here and that must be so devestating, because at the end we always hope we can at least count on our own family...I think you need someone to talk to. I myself was always very relactant to go talk to an IC and now I am so happy I have him there to talk to...It is so nice to be able to say what ever and know that it will NEVER come back to haunt you, you don't have to worry about that person using it against you or whatever. They are there to help and at this time when you feel so alone, it is a nice small comfort to know at least someone does care about me and how I make it through this.

If I was you, knowing what I know from this sight, I would go to the bookstore and get some book on this. I think it will help. You will not feel so alone...

Daisy

White Daisy,
I didn't answer your question. I have had no contact with my sister for two months now.
He says he can't stand the thought of her, hasn't called, emailed or cantacted her at all since the night he had sex with her. It was a one night thing. He swears he feels like it was the biggest mistake of his life and can't stand to even think about her much less hear her name.

I am sure that is what I am trying to get through the most. Knowing that there really isn't anyone that I can talk to.
My family has turned against me, so I can't go to them. I'll make the story short. I testified against my sister. She took my step-brother to court for supposed rape. This happened about two weeks ago.
I am definately up for IC. I just feel like I have this load that I can't seem to get rid of.

hrt1,
When did you find out?

It sounds to me like this is quite recent. I imagine you are still in a lot of pain. It is fine. This is a big issue...please do not feel bad because you are in pain and you are not moving on fast enough for him. There is a lot of hurt here and he is being selfish in wanting you to move on with this. A lot of them do exactly this, want you to move on. It is in their best interest, because that way they do not feel the quilt. If you move on they get to sweep this under the rug and not feel quilt. But the fact is you cannot do that...they will have to face the quilt...
You have to do what is best for you...

I understand what you are saying about selfish man. I feel so hurt by my H's actions. He came over last night and we watched a movie. I would look at him every now and then and think "do I still love this man". He hurt me a lot, left me and said so many painful things to me, and now he just wants to hang out and be with me on his turms only...I know you wonder if it is worth all the pain to go on and keep wanting to make it work...I feel for you, many of us are in that boat. It just does not seem fare that we keep giving and giving and they just take and don't see that they are being selfish...

I suggest reading some book because as I read on a post recently (I think it was by believer, but I may be wrong) we have a tendency to do what our insting tells us to do, but that may be the wrong thing to do. My insting was to plead with my H to work on the M and it just pushed him further away from me and now we are not even talking about our M, we have seperate houses, seperate accounts, seperate lives...no M really, just a paper that says we are married...I wish I had followed some of the advice here or in the books I have read since then, but I did what felt right...cause sometimes it is all you can do...but if you can if you are able follow the advice here or in "surviving an affair" ...

Daisy

White Daisy,
He slept with her on July 9th. I found out August 1st. I just feel like my insides have been torn to pieces. I really felt like I was picking myself up. But today I just feel like I've been knocked flat out on my back.
Oh, do I know what you mean. I look at my fiancee(or whatever) and think "God, is he really worth this much pain?" It's funny how we can give and give and give, and even when they aren't "with" us anymore, we still find ourselves giving to them. If for no other reason but that we still care and love them.
I have read some books, but that was when I first found out. I need to dig them back out and re-read them because I am at a different stage in this whole thing.
I am so sorry that you had that happen to you. Only the ones that we love and trust the most can hurt us as deeply as they have. I truly hope for your sake that you either find it in your heart to let go, or he comes to his senses and sees what a wonderful and giving person you are.

hrt1,
I think you should really consider IC. It sounds like your life has took a turn where it is quite complicated and you need someone to talk to. I tell you, this sight helps, but we are human and we need that human contact and really TALK to a person. At this point speaking to friends may not be as helpful as we would want. Unless they went through something like this, they will not understand...

I am so sorry your family is not there for you...it sounds like they are angry that you did not take your sister's side. I certainly do not have similar problems, but I do understand not having family support. My family basically told me it was my fault that my H left me; I made life so easy for him he lost all respect for me, so they say. It hurt to hear them say that. Frankly, it did not surprise me, these people don't know how to show support and just aggrevate me too much, but at a time like this, it hurts to know you cannot count on them...

If you don't have a friend to talk to, do try the IC...it will make you feel so good to just feel FREE to talk, say what ever is on your mind...

Daisy

White Daisy,
That is a pretty rough thing to say. You would think that making someones life easy for them is what they would come to love and cherish. I don't agree with them. He left because he is selfish and is only thinking of himself. From what I gather, you have given 150% of yourself to your H. You bent over backwards to please him and make his life happy. But it also sounds like you did it with a total cost and lose to yourself. I can say this because I have done the same thing. Just keep your head up. Giving people are rare and hard to come by. Feel good about yourself because you are one of those rare people. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hrt1,
I am slowly making it through your posts


Ok, I think this is a good thing. But the fact is that he wants to move on, but you are not ready to move on...This is why I suggest reading some books on how to deal with this particular situation...

In my opinion, you cannot build a strong R if you are hurting and you yourself have not resolved this. Personally, it is very very unreasonable for him to expect for you to get over it in such a short time. It has not even been 2 months!!! WHat is he thinking?? This is when the selfishness really shines through, does it not?

Anyway, my best friends H had an A (a full A, over several months) about 6 months into the marriage. At the time they were living in different countries as she was still in school and he got a job in europe. In any case, he told her of the A and expected her to just get through it...But there were lots of issues to get through...it took them 2 years to get to where they are happy in their M...

It takes time...
What do you think is bothering you about the A (ok, the ONS)? Is there something you want to know? It sounds like you know something about it, but is there more you would like to know?? What are your fears? What are you worried about? Do you think you can trust him?

Post here and see if you can explore what it is that is bothering you and maybe it will help you address it with him in a productive way. At this point you may not want to argue with him...

Daisy

hrt1,
I wrote to you on another thread that I started...it's got your name there...please come over there and we'll chat...hopefully get others to help you as well...you need the support

{{{{{{hrt1}}}}}}

BTW, thank you for you understanding of my situation...I feel like I tried hard, I still made many mistakes, but H just gave up on me and now I may never get another chance...He seems resolute to just give up...

Daisy

Milk,
How are you doing?

Is your son with you today?

I am feeling a bit down today. I am getting sick, so today I seem to be missing H more then before... Being sick and alone tonight seems to be getting to me. At times like this we want family around...darn...

Daisy

HI Daisy

I love Peter De Vries thanks for the quote . best wishes and cyberhug to you from me,

White Daisy,
I agree that it is good he can't stand the thought of her. I guess that means I don't have to worry about this happening again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I am going to go to IC. I hope that helps me work things through to the point I can talk to him without getting hurt or insisting on more information. I will admit, I have said some really mean things. There is no excuse for it, I was hurting so badly. I regret some things, some I don't.
I know he is trying, as best that a guy can do. He is the typical guy. Let's not talk about my feelings, don't get emotional.
I feel like I know all I WANT to know. I have the story, just not the details. At the beginning I THOUGHT I wanted all the details, but now, I am so glad he refused to tell me what they specifically did. I just need to work through the pain and hurt.
I honestly don't know if I could ever trust him again. I know he is making an effort to ease my mind. He will call and tell me if he is going to be late, or where he is going, who he will be with. He is putting his homework and work aside every night to make time to just sit and talk to me. I know he is trying, I guess I just expect him to be emotional and want to talk and cry with me.
How are things going with your H? Have you talked to him lately? You sound so much like me, as far as how far we are willing to go to mend our relationships. Please, keep me posted on your progress. I would love to be a sounding board for you.

hrt1,
I wrote to you on the thread you got going to 'frozen'.
Hope everything is going well today...

MILK,
Hi there, are you doing ok today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />???

I get the feeling from your posts that you are doing better than just a couple of weeks ago. It is kind of amazing how it just sord of happens without us realizing it...

Todays is not the best day but it is not the worse either...I left a message with H last night and did not hear from him...I really got to get to a point where not hearing from him does not bother me... But this frustrate me and I end up examining the whole situation and the mess I find myself in...I have a M on paper only and I seem to be sord of 'dating' my H (or whatever he is right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)...messy!!!

Enjoy.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Daisy