Hi SVB, Slammed, and Daisy,

I am doing a bit better today. I wrote a letter to H about 2 1/2 months ago (it was not really a letter - it was more like my diary about DS3, and I wanted to share it with H), which I never finished. I REALLY was not in the mood to finish it yesterday, but BECAUSE of that, I decided to finish it up.

The reason is if H truly felt that I did not do ANYTHING for him, I felt I probably should do something 180 to prove it otherwise, but without overdoing it. Giving him detailed updates on how DS3 are doing should not be "too much", but at the same time, H may feel I am doing "something" that pleases him. I don't know, again, I have no expectations out of this. Because it required some efforts on my part (especially after our nasty fight on Tuesday evening), I felt like okay, I am going to do something FOR him even though I am still mad at him.

I will see how this goes. If I get a negative reaction from H, I will stop. If there is nothing or neutral, then I will keep writing about how DS3 is doing on a daily basis and after a week or two, I will mail it to him again. If H gives me a positive reaction, then I will continue. By the way, in these notes, there is no mention of our R. I want H to believe this is strictly about DS3. I am just giving H an opportunity to keep up with what is happening to DS3 in terms of his development and his days at school and during the weekend so that H won't be missing out too much.

I will continue to give H space, but since one of the biggest complaints H mentioned and repeated has been "you did not care about me, you never did anything for me", being completely quiet and acting like I don't really care about him might not be a good strategy, I concluded. Still, I will not call or pursue him. Also, I will "move on" regardless. I assume nothing. I won't have any expectations.

Once I mailed my notes to him yesterday, somehow I felt good. Maybe because I actually "did" something? Or maybe because I felt like "okay, this has been one of the last things I wanted to do but haven't done, and even if we start our D process, at least I can feel that I even mailed out my diary as I always intended". I am not sure.

Even though I will keep "zero" expectations, of course I hope at least this is not going to upset H. You would think receiving writeups about how his son is doing should not upset him, but I really have no idea what upsets him these days. So I am a bit scared. Again, if I see a negative sign, I will stop.

SVB, have a safe trip and hopefully when you come back we can get together sometime. I can only imagine how you might have uncomfortable feelings about meeting your STBXH in person, but be strong and pleasant - I know you will handle the situation well. I was not sure if you two were still keeping the dialogue, but I am glad it appears you have, and you two have been civil to each other. Which is good.

My H is somewhere in between Slammed's H and Daisy's H... H wants to accomplish things and wants to be recognized, so that part sounds similar to Slammed's H, but the difference is that H is by nature very lazy and does not wish to make any extra efforts, and wants an easy way out. So that might be similar to Daisy's H personality. In a way, it is a very bad combination. H wants to be recognized and appreciated, yet b/c he does not really work hard, he does not get promoted or recognized, which frustrates him. And if he takes on a bit more responsibility, he wants to run away from it, and kind of like Daisy's H, when I mention about having a second child, oh boy, H freaked out BIG TIME!!! That would be too much responsibility for him!!!

It is sad. H is not like a rocket scientist or anything. Yes, his job can be quite stressful, but so is everyone else's. Having kids can be very stressful, but again, there are ton of people who end up having 3, 4, 5 or 10!!! I don't think I ever requested H to do anything that is so difficult or unusual. Having a job, a wife, a child, and bills every month...., I thought it was pretty NORMAL..., but in H's mind, it was too much.

Like everyone's H, H does not seem happy either. H says he is happier and jogging and everything, but he misses people and just does not seem too happy. H is not enjoying his new job too much (H always complained about his jobs and has changed them every two years basically), does not really like his new apartment, and complained that he hasn't met the woman of his dream yet. And he misses DS3 a lot.

But that is what he chose over what he had. Too bad he is not happy. And I will CHOSE not to let him ruin my happiness or feelings anymore. I will try to build a wall around my emotions, and whether H is trying to piss me off or make me sad or anything, I will try to maintain neutral feelings.

Hope everyone will have a nice weekend. I will be logging in during the weekend though -

Milk

Hi Milk and Daisy-
Hope you both are having good days today~

Milk- your plan to keep the journal about DS3 sounds
good, and is a good way to keep the memories of your
son for yourself, as well as keeping your H involved
in the "loop" and his life. (and he certainly won't
be able to say you weren't keeping him involved.)

I agree with you about needing to have zero expectations-
seems to be the only way to keep any "inner" peace for
me too. My H is so unpredictable, that having expectations
or trying to figure out what he will/won't do, why, or
what he's feeling is impossible, and just causes stress
for me, so I have to not even try !

Funny, my H will work very hard, long hours, lots of
stress, etc. to get ahead and try to be a big success
in business, but apparently wasn't willing/able to put
nearly that much effort into the marriage.
Thats sad, as to me your personal life and family should always come before your job and business life !
This is one area where H has really changed since I
have known him. Originally, he was happy in an
"average" job, where he made reasonable pay and had
some benefits. The more he has "advanced" and worked
on bigger money projects, and with wealthier clients,
the more he has seemed to feel the need to have more
money, more "things", get into a higher social status,
etc.
Almost seems like, and wonder if this is a way to
try to feel a big, empty "hole" and try to find some
contentment that H seems to be lacking ? Maybe an
issue of low self esteem, and H thinks having more
makes him more of a person, or something !!?

You mentioned H freaking out about another baby, which
made me think of mine too- we don't have any kids, but
when we originally met and in our years of dating and
early marriage, we always agreed we would have kids.
I just wanted one, H said he wanted two so that one
wouldn't have to be an only child. We didn't rush to
have one, as at first, we were getting used to being
married, had a small townhouse, wanted to get our
finances into better shape, etc. Then, about the
time we did have a bigger house, better money
situation and my "clock" was really starting to tick,
H had decided he didn't want any kids.
Never wanted to talk much about it but when I could
get him to say anything about why, he would said he
didn't want the "hassle", didn't have the patience,
didn't have the time- all basically sounding like he
didn't want the responsibility, basically.
This was a touchy subject the past couple of years
and something we would fight about, because I wanted
one child badly and feel sad I haven't had the chance.
Don't even know if we could have (I'm 42 now, have
and have some medical issues that might have caused
difficulty or complications) but sure had wanted to
try.

I've been feeling down this week, partly as I'm really
tired and that always makes me feel more emotional, but
also not feeling as optomistic about things with H as
I had been for a little while.
We do have a fair amount of contact- H has asked me
to lunch one day for each of the last three weeks,
and remembered my bday Mon by leaving flowers and a
card at our house for me, and calling later to say
have a nice day. H called me Tues night to tell me
about a work meeting that had gone particularly well,
and called briefly Wed morning, just to ask for a
phone number he needed, but then I'd not heard anything
again since.
Maybe because I'm feeling tired and down about him
today, and it made me particularly miss him, I
decided I'd call and ask him if he wanted to go out
to lunch today (all our previous contact has been
initiated by him). I reached him on his cell, and
just said cheerfully "wondered if he wanted to get
together for lunch ?" He was friendly too, but said
he was on the way for a meeting out of town.
I just said, "okay, well have a safe drive".
He then asked about our dog (always does), and we
talked briefly about a couple things at the house.
I then said "I was thinking of going up to one of
the mountain towns on Sunday, would he want to come ?"
He said "he doubted he would want to go, why was I
going there ?"
I said "just to have a drive and see some of the
nice fall colors, and do something different ".
Since he didn't seem interested, I just left it at
that, and just said "have a good day".
He said "talk to you later".

Hope it wasn't stupid to initiate something- we
aren't really on an actual Plan A or B due to his
mental/emotional/addiction issues, so never know
exactly what my plan should be. At least he didn't
act really negative about it- what do you think ?

I don't have any exciting plans for the weekend-
I do have to work a few hours, will do some house-
work, yardwork, laundry, and plan to wash/clean my
car. I really did want to take a drive somewhere on
Sunday so maybe can get a friend to go with me .
Hope both of your weekends are good.
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

Since you haven't really initiated contacts for a long time while there have been plenty of contacts between you two, I don't think your asking H out this weekend was wrong at all. You did not offend your H, and it is not like you have told H that you would never contact him. We are not in Plan B. Maybe you should wait and see how your initiating contact would change anything. It may not have any impact at all. Or you may see less contacts from H, then that means you probably should go back to the way you were handling things - no calls from you.

I guess we all have to try and see how that would change things.

I am sorry to hear about your kids situation. Our H's are similar in that they are almost AFRAID of having kids b/c things will change for sure. My H said 10 months ago shortly after he first dropped the "bomb", "if I truly loved you, I should not have any hesitation about having another child. I don't love you that must be why I don't want to have another child". I thought it was a riduculous explanation - having kids in today's world is unfortunately quite expensive, and people DO give some thoughts (NORMALLY) before deciding to start a family, and in some cases, even if two people are madly in love, for the health reasons or financial reasons, they may decide to not have children.

Not having kids certainly is not the worst thing in the world, but since we have biological clock, we do think about it more seriously than men in our age group do. Sometimes I feel it is very unfair that men have almost all of their adulthood time to decide whether they want to have kids or not, whereas we need to make a decision way before that.

I am trying to think like this - if H comes back, the chances are, we will not have any more kids, simply b/c H cannot handle stress well, and having another one would almost certainly put a lot of stress on our relationship. So I will lose one of my dreams. But at least I will be able to keep DS3's father under the same roof. And if H never comes back, then hopefully someday I will meet someone, and he may bring his kids to the family, in that case, I can give "siblings" to DS3, which is good, or who knows we may have our own kids.

I think your H is not as weak as my H, Slammed, in terms of "stress". Obviously your H wants more responsibility and advancement at work. So his not wanting kids now is probably more reflection of his current mind set - that he feels somehow kids would slow down his chance to advance at work. Actually, he might have felt the whole M was slowing things down for your H to "achieve" his goals, which like you said, I believe he set up in order to fill in his emotional void. So now he is showing some signs of wanting you back, the whole thing about kids can change, once he decides to come back to you.

I heard a story where a husband left his wife and a two-year old son, minimum contact for 5 months (I guess she could not really contact him and the husband would just come by the house onece every two to three weeks to spend sometime with his son, but unannounced), then the wife could not take it anymore and moved closer to her family. At this time, the husband told his wife that they would have no future together and he would file for divorce. Then the next 6 months, there were almost no contact at all, except for necessary emails regarding finances and insurances. Then all of the sudden, the husband asked if he could come visit her and their baby. This is 6 months after she moved and 11 months after he moved out. That time, she asked him if he has D papers, and he said no. Then on Mother's day she received a card from her husband and at the end of the card he wrote "love", and also she received some flowers.

Since then, little by little contacts resumed (he apparently still does not call her that often, but emails her), and recently he asked he if she wants to spend the holiday with his family or her family together. So they are making baby steps.

I kind of thought of you Slammed, where you received flowers and a card. Maybe your H is turning a corner. But very slowly. I was very shocked that this couple is making their way back together after almost no contact for 6 months and very little contact for 11 months!

I have felt my situation was really bad, as H and I do not really communicate anymore. We only talk about DS3 that is all. But after hearing her story, EVEN THOUGH I decided to have zero expectations, I thought "just because we have been separated for 5 months now, it does not mean we are FOR SURE going to get divorced".

At the same time, thinking like this would certainly raise my hope, so I need to keep it under control. I should not have any hope at this point at all. I need to work on myself (such as anger control, etc.) and have to keep myself busy.

Anyway, I wanted to share the story with you, since in a way, we all are in a similar situation.

Thanks, Milk, for your reply.
I guess I will just think of my calling H today as an
"experiment" and see if it seems to make any difference
in H's contact with me, or his behavior.
Don't know if his not being interested in doing anything was him not wanting to do that activity, him already
having plans, or him just not wanting to do something
with ME, but in any case, I am trying to view it as "no
big deal" (and won't act negative about it to him).
I won't call him this weekend and will just make my own
plans.

I agree with you about our H's being afraid and unwilling
to take on the responsibility of kids- you are right that
it might make mine feel like it hampers his ability to
be a "go getter" and put all his efforts into work.
I had always told him I would be the primary care-taker
anyway and it wouldn't have to make a big impact on his
day-to-day life, but I know it would be impossible to
have a child and not have some changes in lifestyle,
budget, attitude, etc.
I think a part of my H's attitude about kids may also
be because he has two daughters. He does have some
relationship with his 12 yr old daughter (she lives
out of state so we don't see her too much), but he's
gone through big hassles and lots of legal expense with
her Mom, and probably has some negativity due to this.
His other daughter is 6, and he didnt even know of
her existence until she was 3 and her mother started
legal paperwork for paternity. He's never seen or
talked to the mother or daughter since the one date
he had with her (ONS) and just pays support and has to
carry insurance for her. He definitely feels negative
about that.
Like you, I have realized that if H and I don't stay
together, I might hook up with someone else that has kids
or might even still be able to have one with someone else
(although time is getting short !).

I know I could live without us having kids, it's just
a real disappointment since it's how I always pictured
my life. I guess that's one area I have to work on,
because keeping resentment about it is just a stress
to me and would definitely not help our relationship
if we did end up staying together.

Thanks for the positive story. I have known and seen too
people on MB who have had LONG separations and some very
difficult situations who have worked things out and gotten
back together, so I do believe it's possible, but like you
I don't want to get my hopes up too much so I'm trying to
stick to the ZERO plan. (I guess that can be our plan,
"PLAN Z" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here is an interesting story- it's true, and is about a
lady I used to work with. She had been married for over
25 years, and had grown kids, when her H left her for a
OW. My friend, the wife, was so angry at one time during
the situation, that she stabbed him with a small kitchen
knife and ended up being arrested for "domestic abuse",
and had to take anger management classes !
They never filed for D, but did a legal separation, and
he's always continued to pay on the house and other bills.
He ended it with the girlfriend just a few months after
it started, but moved into his own apartment, and eventually
he and his wife started to talk more, get together, and
basically "date" each other. They have continued in this
arrangement, with him in his apartment, and her living in
their house, and are still seperated - and it's now been
over 10 years !!! She says they get along better not
living together, and are better friends now than they ever
were when living together as a couple, and that she's
really enjoying her life now so doesn't know if they'd
get along as well if they moved back in together.
I don't know that it's what anyone else would want to
do, but made me realize that ties between spouses really
are pretty strong, and that even when things don't go
exactly as we'd like, they might still come out in a
positive way.

You do at least have some communication with H, even if it's mostly about DS3, so that keeps some channel open, and open to more possibilities.

I hope your weekend is nice- hang in there.
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

Wow, that is an interesting story. It's funny how she had to take "anger management" classes! I could use those classes too (no, I haven't stabbed my H with a kitchen knife but in my imagination, I have beat him up pretty badly several times).

You are right, ties between spouses are pretty strong, and that is why even for those who demand divorce, actually filing for divorce is very tough emotionally.

Your H's not wanting kids has something to do with his relationship with his XW and his daughters, you are right. But when you two met and got married, he wanted to have kids too, so I think his suffering from depression or some sort of mental problems have truly made him not want have any more kids. My H wanted to have 2 or 3 kids when we got married. After we had DS3, he was so excited that he even said "had I known babies are this cute, I would have started much earlier and had 10 kids!" I remember feeling very happy hearing the comment (although of course I had no intention of having 10 kids...!!!). But then he started to suffer from depression and last year right before he dropped the bomb, he told me the reason he does not want to have another child is "then if we get divorced, I have to pay child support for two kids". I was really shocked to hear that.

Given how determined your H was in terms of D, it is possible he was feeling the same way - that he did not want to "risk" having kids and having had to pay MORE child support.

A lot of my friends had their kids in their 40s. I know it gets more difficult, but it is not impossible. Then again, like you said, I try not to focus too much on that either. If that happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, there are other ways (marrying to someone with kids, getting more dogs, etc.) to go about it, if it really means a lot to me.

I like the "Plan Z". That's it!

Oh by the way, H came by to pick up DS3 today and thanked me for the letter (my journal). H did not say anything further, and I did not ask anything further, but at least it was not negative. I will continue with zero expectations, but in a few weeks will mail him another updates.

I was planning on going out tonight with my friends, but I am so tired for some reason, so decided to stay in and watch a movie. I haven't watched any movies in 6 months or more! It's so dark and cold outside tonight, it is a good time for me to be lazy in bed and watch TV.

I hope you are having a relaxing weekend.

Milk

hey milk

just thought i'd check in

i'm not posting much cause i'm too miserable to even put it inot words but i'm thinking of you

Hi Eav, I just posted on your thread. You are having bad days, huh. I had those last weekend and a good half of last week, but am doing okay now. The key is to have absolutely "zero" expectations. I am actually now thinking when DS3 and I come back from our vacation in November, I will file for D. I get scared when I think about it, but cannot continue living like this either. And as of now, when I think about it, I actually feel good.

We are already living like a divorced couple. H and I don't have much communication and H comes to pick up DS3 according to our visitation schedule. If we get divorced, it will depress me very much, I know it, but at the same time, I do not have to constantly worry about when H might file for D. Also, if I meet someome, I don't have to feel guilty and can go for him! Yes, this is a bit wishful thinking, and I am not ready for a new relationship, but am just trying to think positives...

My therapist gave me a quite helpful tip: she told me to set a specific time to think about H, and if I start thinking about him or negative aspects of it during the day, I have to fight and tell myself "no, I will think about it 8PM tonight", that way I continue to focus on my work and other things that need to be done.

I am also fighting my negative thoughts by this: "here I am, thinking of and missing H and crying for our failed M. But H could care less about our M now. He only thinks about himself. H is not worth my precious tears right now. I cannot let him ruin my life any further than he already damaged. I have to keep my job, and I have to take care of DS3. I cannot let H and any negative thoughts related to his actions affect my life, b/c he is not worth it."

I am fighting constantly. It's hard, but sometimes I can do this with ease now. I am learning to detach.

Hi Milk,
Thanks for your reply- sounds like you are keeping a good positive mood, and attitude right now.

I think it's definitely true that part of my H's hesitation in having kids has been the past experience with his other two and having had lots of legal hassles in setting up heir arrangements (visitation,etc) and then the child support he pays, as well as having to carry them on our medical insurance (which is expensive as they are out of state). I think part of it is also definitely his depression and mental state, and as you said, also partly the thought of having to pay more support, if we split up. Even though I've kind of considered his "reasons" to be "excuses", I think there is also probably some truth in him saying he didn't have the patience or energy, and maybe he feels like he isn't /wouldn't be a very good Dad. (and I guess I have
to give him a little credit for trying to be honest,
if that's the case).
Even if things worked out with us, I don't know that there would be any chance of him changing his mind on kids, and I feel like pretty soon it will be too late, but guess that's one thing I just can't predict in advance. My co-worker is 48 and has 3 year old, so at least, age-wise, there still could be hope for me !

Glad your weekend is going okay. I worked part of the day yesterday, ran some errands, did a few things around the house and yard, and then was just thinking about going out
to get some dinner last night when my H called and asked
if I wanted to go get something to eat together !
I was very surprised, as my H has not been calling and
we've not been doing anything together at all on weekends.
I did go meet him, and it went okay- talked just a bit,
mostly pretty superificial stuff, and he said he would
come over to the house today to see the dog and get his
mail. I thought he looked good- although he seemed
tired, and he appears to have put back on some weight
after he was very diligently going to the gym and losing
weight a couple of months ago.
I also noticed that he has sure been grouchy the last
few times I've seen him or talked to him. That's kind
of the "normal" for him when he's not on medicine, and
I know he said he went off his AD's, so is due to that.

Today I did housework and laundry early, then did my
hair and shower so I'd be ready when he stopped by.

He was here for about an hour- ate some lunch with me, watched part of a football game, played with the dog,
got his mail, and got out a winter coat before he left.
It was going okay, but he did get a phone call while here
and went out on the deck to answer, which made me feel
like it was some woman, or something he was trying to
be secretive about. He was also still really grumpy,
about everything in general. He has a very short "fuse"
so gets agitated easily by even little things.
When he was getting ready to leave, I asked if he wanted
to run errands together, and he said NO, he had to get
going. I know I should have kept my mouth shut, but I
said "he wouldn't want to keep his girlfriend waiting",
so then he left mad and I felt really bad !!

I got really upset- felt like things had been going better
and that I had probably blown any chance I had of making
him want to be back together or back at home. Guess I
just was tired, stressed, and felt such frustration with
the whole thing, plus being around his grouchy moood, that
my stress just came out- not a good excuse, I know !

I waited a little while, then called him on his cell, and just said- that I had appreciated his remembering my birthday last week, had enjoyed the lunch last night, was glad he came over, and felt like things had been going better, so was sorry that things had ended on a sour note today. Said I was tired, had some days that were better than others, and guessed today was a rough one, but was sorry that I had acted on it and made the comment.
He was nice- said he appreciated my saying that, and knew it was tough, that it was difficult for him too (???)
I said, "yes, but it was by his choice, and not mine".
Asked if he thought we could get along and he said "he
didn't know". Then asked if he thought we could work on
things, and he just said that right now, he "needed to be
left alone". I said take care, and we hung up.

I still feel bad that I let my stress get the best of me
and I did a big LB, but felt better after the phone call
and hope it won't blow the little tiny progress we seemed
to be making. I guess I was putting too much into the
calls, getting together, and must remember that if there
is any progress being made it is in little, baby steps,
so I have to be patient and not rush things. Do you think
I've blown it terribly ?

His comment about needing to be "left alone" made me feel
like he's going through some thoughts, trying to see how
he feels, and things could still go either way, so I know
I MUST just leave things alone, go back to PLAN Z, so I'm
not carrying any hopes. I know that you know how hard it is
to do that too. Will not be calling him, and will just
have to wait and see if he calls again or initiates anything
this week.

I feel tired and it's been a cold, windy, and damp day,
so I just plan a quick run to the store, then dinner,
tv and hopefully to bed early.

I hope the rest of your weekend was good. Glad to hear
you got a good response about the journal- I'd keep that
up.

Slammed

I just got an email from H now. H said I would be receiving something in mail today. This is what he said:

"It's a starting point. I suggest you contact your lawyer
immediately because you will need permission to bring DS3 out of the country (by the way, I did tell H about the trip a month and a half ago and he said it was okay). Your lawyer should be able to get it. You have to say it's to
visit his grandparents.

I want us to move on with our lives in a fair manner for both you and I and DS3. I cannot bear seeing you suffering so lets get over with this as quickly as possible for your and my sake and especially DS3's sake.

The quicker we can divorce the better it will be for both of us.

You NEED to be Strong. Remember - I am doing this to protect my interests since it seems that I have no other option. You want too much from me when it comes to splitting the assets (I have never said anything about how we are going to split the assets, H has told me many times that he would give me everything, and I just did not object to that) and especially when it comes to DS3 (how you want to take him to your home country). I love him too. At
this point however I want my life back and the opportunity to see DS3 grow."

Now it is starting! I am so scared. I don't understand what he says about "his life back". He keeps saying it.

Anyway, I am not trying to make any sense out of his email. I decided I will go along with his plan. I have no choice, right. H chose not to love me anymore. This is going to ba a hard week.

I talked to my lawyer and he looked it up on his system and found out that H filed for divorce on September 29, 2005. He even put a temporary restraint order! Why? I told him about our trip more than a month ago and he said okay.

My lawyer said H's lawyer is an idiot putting such an emergency order w/o letting me or my lawyer know.

I can't believe it. I know H has been so determined to have D, but can't believe it is happening for real.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you milk.

Thanks Eav.

Milk,
I'm so sorry to hear of this ! Don't understand why your H
would file and start moving forward with things and not even tell you right away, except that the WH are very selfish people, only thinking of themselves. (and his comment about not "bearing to see you suffering" is a pathetic effort to sound like he is doing this for you).

I know there's not really anything you can do except go along with things, but am glad you have a good lawyer to help protect you and DS3.
Seems really strange he would file the restraining order-
especially since you and H have been pretty agreeable about
the arrangements with DS3.
How long is the D waiting period for your state ?

Do you think something has happened to cause H to make this
big jump so suddenly, like he is acting out on his addictions still/again and feels really guilty, or like there is no hope of him getting over them ? I know it's really hard to make any sense of their behavior, or anything they say or do.

I am just waiting and wondering if the same thing may happen with my H, especially since yesterday didn't go so well (see my previous message).
The more I thought about things last night, the worse I felt because I wanted to show WH that there was a "path"
home, that things could be different and better, but then
the way things went yesterday probably made him feel like
things/I were just the same and wouldn't be different and
that there was no way we could have "fresh start".

It was a cold, windy and damp night, and woke up to snow
and blizzard conditions (I'm in Colorado) which made me
really think of H and hope he is somewhere warm and safe.
Thought of calling to make sure he got to work okay, but
then remembered that he wants to be "left alone" so I
really have to just honor that and totally leave him be.
Guess I let my hopes get up a little when I know I need to
stick with the Plan Z and stick to myself.
Guess I better read Love Busters again too-

I understand that this will be a tough time and am thinking of you Milk. Take care of you and keep your chin up- you
are a quality woman !
Slammed

{{milkshake}} so sorry you are going through this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{milk}}}}}}}}}}}
Hang in there milk...I am so sorry this is happening....

Hard to believe your H did this without saying anything to you....but try to take care of yourself milkshake....

Sounds like your H wanted you to pay for the D but you stood firm and now he got his own lawyer...I hope your lawyer is good, sounds like he is...Please milk protect yourself...I know you still love your H, but you don't want to be nice (nor nasty) during the D...just do what is fair for you...

Best,
Daisy

Thank you all. I was served here at work. Isn't that an additional nice touch?

I looked at the paper, and was stunned! It says I am an "unfit" mother (since I repeatedly threatened H that I would take DS3 out of the country - which is a BIGGEST LIE!!! I NEVER EVER threatened to take DS3 out of the country! I always "asked" that I would like an "option" to take him out of the country in the future, and H understood that. I even have those emails of H's talking about possibly my living in my home country with DS3!) and therefore H wants a sole custody. And since I "enjoy" significant earning power, H wants a larger share of our assets. Unbelievable.

H always said he felt bad about this and wanted me to have the house. He is a monster!

I was really upset. Then I talked to my lawyer. He talked to H's lawyer, and apparently H only wants a joint custody, not a sole custody. Besides, my lawyer said there is no way H would win the custody anyway even if he tried. So I asked him why on the earth H said he wanted a sole custody, if he only wants a joint custody, then he said because once he demands for joint custody, then he cannot go back and ask for more later on, so he told me not to worry too much about this. I hate those lawyers....! And there are a lot of stories that have been made up. It says I have been mentally cruel to H without any reasons. Yes I nagged and complained a lot and we argued, but that is because H was writing love letters to other women or because H was smoking mariuana!!! Or simply because H was lazy and not sharing the domestic work! What about his cruel words to me, like "YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME" or "IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, GO AHEAD, KILL YOURSELF"???

I can't believe H is starting a legal war. Then we will NEVER be back together, since we will hate each other. Is that what he wants, after 12 years of marriage and 15 years of our history together and having a beautiful son together?

Milk,
I feel for you...your H serving you at work that is just so mean...why not in the privacy of your home?? I really feel the selfishness of these WS knows no bounds...

I am with you on the lawyer thing (although my brother is studying to be a lawyer I still don't like them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). As a strategy they always say 'ask for more then you can negotiate', but really WHY <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />? If you want x why ask for x+y+z... I mean don't we by asking for more further alienate the person that (as is your case) is the mother of his child? Why do we want to create or increase anamosity by going too far... Your H is basically twisting your words...Keep the emails and print them up and use them as evidence if you have to....If you have your H's letters to other women keep them handy as well...If he attacks your character to take your son, Bring up the letters(i.e. use them if you have to)... I really am sorry... I hoped things were going to be better for you...

Go get yourself some nice cup of tea or coffee after work or take a bath at home...focus on you today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...everything else can wait ....

Best,
Daisy

Maybe what H once said was true. He said he was with me because I make good money. Maybe that is why he said in the letter he wrote to a girl 10 years ago that our marriage was based on convenience.

My mom is furious and said "this was all well calculated on H's part", and I have been too naive to trust him. She said he is evil and a horrible person.

Is that what is was? H was with me because of my money? How horrible....

milk I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

remember my H said I constructively deserted him when i was depressed and physically abused him wheni hit him cause i found out about OW.

but...that he has always been a loving, caring, and devoted husband

yeah okay......

i can't understand how they get away with such lies!

your husband might be thinking that you'll agree to a faster divorce if he doesn't fight for full custody...that may be why he did it.

it's all about manipulation!

Milk,
Sorry to hear about your hurt. The D brings the worse out in people. I work with an attorney (real estate) but also closely with another. It Is an unwriten rule when serving a summons you go for broke, ask for the moon. Then your Attorney does the same. Then they argue and argue, of course they have to bill you for that too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Is their any chance of mediation. My STBX and I started out kinda the same (asking for the moon/ sole custody), though she new I had more fire power. Meanwhile she can't wait to get divorced, get her money and shack up with OM.
She knew a legal battle would take many month's maybe years, she also knows we are both good parents, so In the interest of our son, and her not wanting to wait another minute, we agrred on shared phy/legal. The legal form of the mediation paper should be drawn up today.