H called here at work, and again (!!) I answered the phone!!! When I heard the phone, I DID have some strange instinct telling me that it would be H, but since I was expecting a call from someone, I just answered. I hate this phone w/o caller ID!!!

H said he took a sick day off today and spending the day with DS3. He wanted to know if I would be home by 6pm tonight so that he can drop him off at my place.

I had to go to my meeting in 2 minutes, I told him I would call him back. I called his apartment but he did not answer. I called his cell, and he did not answer either. I left him a message. But my heart is racing. Somehow, I have a very bad feeling. I don't know, but am just scared to death. I said in the message to keep DS3 tonight then, instead of tomorrow night, which would make more sense.

Can he use this info against me somehow? Saying that I could care less about DS3 or something??

Would he be talking to his lawyer now? What if he has changed his mind about the whole settlement thing?

I spoke to my lawyer and he did not say anything, so I do not think as of this morning he has heard anything from H's lawyer, but potentially H's lawyer could have sent a letter to my lawyer stating that his client has changed his mind and now he wants everything or something.

I am such a paranoia. I think dealing with crazy H might have affected me and now I am terrified about EVERYTHING. I have NO IDEA what would be the next nasty things H might do to me. It is killing me.

I need to calm down, but it seems impossible.

Hi Milk,
Sorry you are having to deal with this stress, especially
when just trying to start out a good work week.

I know WH is being a real jerk about things, but it doesn't
sound like this situation is necessarily any kind of a ploy
or issue than could cause a problem. I would put notes about the situation into the documentation you are keeping,
and maybe you could also send him an email follow up, just
so you have something in writing-
Something like" WH, in response to your call this morning
telling me you took the day off from work in order to spend time with DS3, I have left you a message back and suggested
it would make since that you keep him overnight, rather than
bringing him home tonight and pick him back up to keep him
tomorrow night". If you have any question or disagree with
this idea, just let me know- Milk".

I don't think this is anything he could use against you
and it doesn't give any indication at all that you aren't
caring about DS3.

I wouldn't think this issue would have anything to do with
WH talking to his lawyer or changing plans-
Sounds like he is pretty "changable" about things, so could
decide he wants to do something differently, but doesn't
seem like this would play into it.

Just my thoughts- (and I know I'm really a mess right now
due to my situation), but just wanted to give you my
support.
Slammed

My instince was correct. I have had this unexplainable bad feeling about H and the whole D thing since this morning, and my lawyer called me this afternoon. He said he found the letter from H's lawyer dated October 14 (after H spoke to his sister on the 12th swearing that he would rather settle and want to get a half of the house minus the mortgage he hasn't paid for the past 7 months). It says H wants a half of EVERYTHING, including my personal assets. Now a large portion of my personal assets is something I had before marriage. I could not initially use a certain bank account to comingle it to our joint account, so I ended up keeping it in a separate account (THANK GOD!). But since it is over 10 years ago, I am not too sure how much I can prove that it is pre-marital asset. I placed an order for the old statement from the bank, and hopefully I can prove it to a certain degree though.

Anyway, the point is, initially H said he would give me the house, then changed his mind to a half of the house, and then now he told his lawer AFTER HE TOLD HIS SISTER AND MYSELF that he only wants a half of the house, he wants EVERYTHING.

I just don't understand him. He does not have any normal feelings?

Oh crap Milk, I am sorry to hear that, you did know in your gut that something was up didn't you?

What does your lawyer say about this new development?

Milk,
I am so sorry this is happening...your H is truly something else. He has no desency at all. At least you know you can trust your gut! I don't understand your H at all...If he wanted it all, he should have said so, and not play these mind games with you....and then he is all nice just before you get the news...I don't understand him..he sounds really troubled....He is so fake, you can't even trust him...tells you one thing and does another. AHHHHH!

{{{{{{{milk}}}}}}}

Daisy

Thanks Jean and Daisy.

I don't know what to think of anymore. I am not going to do anything about our settlement for now, since we are leaving on Friday. I will just send an email to H saying that we will continue our dialogue when we come back so that he won't pressure me while I am on vacation.

You know, there are always two sides to any story, right. While H's story about our M is very skewed (that he has been the victim and he was co-dependent and has neglected his true feelings, etc.), obviously H does not agree with my story either. That is why MC is helpful, right? But since we are not in MC, and now H is more and more convinced that his thinking is correct, of course I am being portraied as a nasty b**** in H's mind more as days go by. I should not care what he thinks, but it truly hurts me to think that I am being misunderstood.

And I have my own inner struggle now. Why is it, that I feel I was the bad guy here? Despite H's addictions, lies, laziness, cursing, and multiple emotional affairs, I just can't convince myself that he was the bad guy here. Maybe b/c H is very good at putting on a "good guy" mask on whereas I cannot hide my emotions.

When I am angry, I cannot pretend that I am nice to him whereas he can be planning or doing something big and nasty (like signing up for a dating website while we were married, writing love letters to other women, smoking pot every day, moving out, filing for D, etc.) behind my back, he can pretend he is a perfect husband/father, making coffee for me or something so that I would not have suspected that he was unhappy and doing something wrong behind my back. Not only that, b/c of his "acting", when I discover what he was really up to, I get more hurt b/c I feel tryly betrayed. Whereas I have always been much easier to read. If I was happy, I was happy, if I was not happy, I showed it so H always knew it. There were no surprises. So I don't think he ever felt "emotionally" betrayed by me.

And it is still affecting me. Whenever I think of our M, somehow I tend to remeber the part where he was making coffee for me, instead of where he was cheating on me or lying to me.

And when I think of my own behaviors, I remember myself getting angry at him. So I feel like I have been the bad guy who was mad at H all the time whereas he was the guy who was making coffee for me. I know this is a very skewed view and untrue and unhealthy, but this seems to have been a pattern for me. This thinking immobilize me. And probably H knows it. He knows that at the end of the day, I would always feel sorry for him and he can get away with whatever unreasonable behaviors he is engaged in. He knows even in this legal process, he can get away with what he wants (= money).

And while I am spending this much time and energy thinking about our M and H, he is probably just jumping with joy with an expectation that he will get a lump sum amount soon. Men do not dwell on many memories, huh.

I have to "train" myself to stop thinking that I am the bad guy here. Forget about coffee, if he truly cared for me, he would not have lied to me. He had so many secrets and b/c of that, he probably made coffee or said nice things to me to "cover up" his lies. I have fool to think his "covering up" was true H.

I need to think more rationally, but it is often hard....

Oh my God. I sent H an email this morning saying that since I am swamped at work and busy preparing for my trip, we will resume our dialogue (concering our D) when we come back in November.

Then H replied saying that whatever he said and promised would change upon his lawyer's advice. What a jerk!!!

Initialy he said he does not want any money from me. Then I offered money. Then not only he took it, he said he wanted more. Then I said "H, you said you did not want any and soon as I offered you money, you now claims you want more?" Then he backed off. "Okay, I will give you the house since the majority of the equity in the house is the downpayment you made. Just give me some money for me to start my life with".

Then soon as he retained a lawyer, he started asking for a half of the house. Then when he spoke to his sister, he said that is all he wants and he would walk away. Now his lawyer sent my lawyer a letter saying that H wants a half of everything, including my personal assets (non-marital assets). And pretty much H confirmed in his email this morning that he is not going to honor his words (AGAIN!!!).

What a jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok Milk -

I hate to say this, but you are now in the position where you have to look at your WH as the enemy. To protect yourself, to protect what you have so you can take care of DS, you need to treat him as such. You need to go into major protection mode here, and do everything you can to protect yourself against this man. I know that's a hard thing to do. I know this is the man you married, the man you still do love. But right now, he is the man who is a danger to your family.

My family was amazed that I was able to get through the divorce as intact as I did, that I was able to keep the condo, and really didn't lose that much in the divorce. The way I did that was the day my XH walked out on me, I sort of split my personality. There was a part of me that really wanted to still try and save the marriage, and that did try to do that. But I split off a part of me that got a very hard heart towards him and treated him as my enemy. That part of me took care of all the financial decisions, and started making all the preparations in case a divorce became necessary. That part of me lined everything up, got paperwork in line, found a lawyer, and had an initial consultation with the lawyer even though we were still going through counseling, just to figure out where I stood and what I needed to be figuring out to make sure I was ready. That part of me didn't let him in the house, and didn't let him take anything out of the house.

What made me do all that? He had told me about a month before he walked out, at Christmas, that he had actually planned on leaving me at Christmas. We took turns where we spent Christmas, and that year we were supposed to travel about 10 hours to go visit my family. When it came time to go, he tried to get me to go without him. I refused, and we fought for a couple of days about it, and ended up not getting to my family's house until 4:00 p.m. Christmas eve. He told me as we were driving out that he had planned to leave me while I was out there. I realized that if he had done that, he would have had about a week, and he could have completely cleaned out the house, taken EVERYTHING, while I was gone.

Because I didn't let him do that, he ended up leaving one night while I was at church, he had only about an hour or so, and he took almost nothing. So I got a wakeup call that told me that if I wasn't able to save this marriage, and I didn't play it smart in the meantime, he would find a way back in, wait until the right moment, and steal everything out from under me that he could. He'd already made it clear that he was willing to do that kind of stuff to me.

So I tried to save the marriage, sure. But I DIDN'T let that stop me from protecting myself from him at the same time.

Don't let the fact that you still love him keep you from protecting yourself from him. Love blinds you. Don't let it paralyze you too. Get on the ball and take action right now to get this in gear. This is the kind of thing I was afraid of so long ago when I suggested getting to a lawyer and getting a settlement agreement signed. The things they say up front change quickly once they have a little time to get over their initial guilt at walking out on their marriage.

Protect yourself!

Milk,
Please do take advise from osxgirl...

What is your lawyer telling you? It sounds like your H's lawyer is telling him he can get it all! Be careful here...you need a tough lawyer. It sounds like you invested more in the financial assets you two have, you had income/assets before marriage. Now, your H wants an equal share in it.... Get the papers together (you started that) and really talk to your lawyer. You need to protect yourself for you and your son!

I know you cannot believe your H is turning into your enemy but he is! Take that as a given. Milk, I really suggest you go dark! Do not engage him. It upsets you and frankly it sounds to me like he is doing it intentianally! The only topic between the two of you should be the visitation of your son! That is all. He has been saying one thing and doing another...believe me Milk, it is not the lawyer telling him what to do...the lawyer may suggest things, but at the end IT IS your H that is saying 'I'll take it all' not the lawyer! Take care of yourself, protect yourself!

Daisy

Thanks OSXgirl and Daisy.

I just had my performance review and it was awful. But what was written was accurate, b/c I had gone through so much this year and I really did not perform. I was crying the half the time or more.

So I told my boss "I totally agree with you. I did not do a good job this year. I am sorry". He said "I understand you are going through personal difficulties. I don't know everything, but I know it. There are things that need to be improved, and since you did it last year, I know you could have done this year had you not have so many distraction. I know you can do it. For now, go take this 3-week vacation, don't worry about your job, recharge yourself, have a good time, and then come back and we will work on this. Okay? And if there are things that you need to talk about, just let me know, we are a team, and I am on your side".

Those words just made me cry. My personal life is a mess, and I screwed up my professional life as well. Just because H left us? Why does my life have to crumble down once H walked out? H has such a big impact on my life. I can't believe it. And he could care less about me. After 15 years together, he really does not care about me. Yet I am still crying about the fact H is not in my life anymore.

You are right, I have to treat H as my enermy now. It is very hard to do, though. But I have to.

I requested old statements from my bank, and hopefully they will illustrate how I brought my money from Japan, and then I can prove that it is non-marital asset.

While H said in his email that pretty much his words and promises don't mean anything (by saying that they would change upon his lawyer's advice), he said "have a good time" during my vacation. Is he sadistic? Sure I will have a WONDERFUL time thinking about our M and H's nasty behaviors!

I must have been so stupid and naive to believe H would never harm me the way he is doing. I really, really wanted to believe in him.

Milk-
So sorry your H is being a total jerk and totally showing
his weak character. Seems like even if H decided he could
not continue in the marriage, he could at least be civil, fair, and reasonable in resolving things.
I wonder if a lot of what is making him act this way is
fear ? Maybe he's realized he is not capable of acting like a real H and having a real M, hasn't done much to build up
any kind of financial security, and realizes he is going to
be out "on his ear" and alone. I also wonder if he has a
real "slime" of a lawyer who is talking "big" and telling
him to go for "everything" and H doesn't have the "guts"
to say "NO- my wife has been fair, caring, and reasonable
and I want to be the same". Surely the lawyer realizes he
is not going to get everything he's asking for !!

I think it would be easiest on you if you do go basically
"dark". I would correspond with WH only in regards to your
son and nothing about your legal arrangements, things he's
said, or anything about the D. I would let that totally be
handled by the lawyers. Hopefully you are keeping your lawyer posted on every development and he/she is someone
who will really fight YOUR case and protect you.

I am sorry about the review at work. I can relate to not
feeling like you can do your best, with all the emotions,
distractions, and tough days we have gone through. I am
relatively new in my job and have been trying to do my best
but some days it's really hard. I think it's great that you
have support and understanding from your boss. Do go and
enjoy your vacation time and try not to worry about every-
thing else-

I doubt H was trying to be sadistic, but his comments and
behavior certainly illustrate how clueless he is about your
feelings. Selfishness, fog, and addictions keep him from
thinking clearly, but one day he will, and he won't be able
to believe his actions, and all he has lost.
Hang in there-
Slammed

Thank you Slammed. H keeps saying "money is not important to me", "I always keep DS3's best interest in mind..", etc., but they are all BS! How can one become such an obvious liar...?

Anyway, DS3 and I are leaving tomorrow to go to Japan and I will try my best to NOT think about H for the next 3 weeks. I really really really hope that H would face the consequences of his cruel and selfish decisions, and I might be praying for that to happen (even though I know this is a bad way to approach this, but as of now, I cannot help myself feeling this way) during my vacation, but that is about it. I will try to fight very hard to not let H ruin my vacation.

I will be logging in from time to time while we are on vacation.

Milk

Milk,
Enjoy your vacation!!! Don't worry about WH now, nothing you can do with whatever he says....

At some point my H told me "I don't give a [censored] about money"....yah, that is easy when I payed for his rent and whatever else he wanted to buy!!! Sheesh! These people!

Anyway,

ENJOY! ENJOY! ENJOY!

Daisy

Oh Milk,
I am so sorry to hear that your H turned into such a jerk!!!

Listen to voice of experience, do not negotiate with your H at all. THe more you give, the more he will take until the D is final. You can not trust him in his altered state of mind.

The day will come when he will wake up and realize just what a mess he has made.

Don't worry about what he is doing. Your lawyer knows you are on vacation. WH can't do anything while you are gone. So Enjoy!!

love,
VTY

enjoy your vacation milk and make lots of good memories with your son

MILK,
You do't have to go to medation. Why are you considering trying to negotiate with WH!!!
He is not your friend !!

If he wants to pay for ALL of it you and a friend can go sit and listen. I would not go. You know that you are not going to agree on custody, the house, he wants half of everything. Every little bit he gets just makes him want more.

Please don't make any agreements with him. Everything you give up can and will be used against you. You won't be able to reach agreement because what he is asking for is not fair. Nothing is fair right now.

I care about what happens to you Milk. You hired a lawyer to look out for you. Use him.

Love,
VTY

Thanks Daisy, VTY, and Eav.

It is good to hear from you. DS3 and I got here on Saturday evening, took a nice warm bath, ate a nice meal, and went to bed by 7PM local time already. We woke up at around 4AM the next morning, but by now we are not jet lagged anymore.

It has been great to see my family and hear from my long-term friends, but at the same time, it has brought me so many memories because H lived here for 2 and a half years for me (before we got married), and also 2 years ago, we, the three of us, came here to visit my family as a family for the first time, and I guess for the last time. Especially when we were dating, we went to so many places together and all of those places just remind me of H so much. It has been sad, but I am fighting such sadness and negative thoughts every single second. H has turned to a jerk, and I am only loving him based on memories and hope.

This morning I took DS3 to a local daycare. I was there with him the whole time, but wanted him to have a chance to play with Japanese kids of his age. I am hoping he will pick up some words while he is here. Amazingly, kids here were behaving so well. Even 2-year-olds were not screaming, yelling, or fighting. Very impressive. And the way teachers handle kids are very different from American daycare teachers. They never raise their voice, they don't even scold little ones - they just kind of reason them. When they see kids not wanting to share their toys, they would say patiently "oh, you don't want XX to use your toy yet? Okay, let's use it for a little longer then give it to someone else, how about that?" There is no "SHARE!" type yelling or forceful voice, yet kids were listening their teachers.

DS3 is having a good time here. He loves that his mommy is always with him. Also he really enjoys having more than just his mommy in the house all the time. I wish H, DS3, and I were able to be here, having a good time. Okay, no whining. There is nothing I can do and again, H is no longer the same person.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend and Halloween. I will stop by again soon! Thank you for taking your time to post here. I really appreciate your support.

Love,
Milk

2nd was my birthday, and it was the first birthday in 15 years that STBXH did not wish me a happy birthday. It felt very wrong, empty, cold, and unreal. But this is the reality. I must accept it.

He asked me before I left that he needed to get in our garage so that he can mow the yard while we are gone - I told him not to worry about it (since I did not want him to come by the house), but he insisted. So I asked my neighbors to keep my lawnmower in her garage. I told STBXH about it, and guess what, not he hasn't shown up yet. I have a feeling he just wanted to use that as an excuse to get in the house.

Now today I received a call from one of his sisters. This is the one who still maintains close contact with him and sympathizes with him. She asked me if there is any way for her to come in my house since she needs to go through her stuff in my basement. This may be very true, since she put her stuff in our basement about 2 years ago (she lost her job and when she moved back with her parents, she asked us if we could store her stuff), and now she found her apartment and is moving out her parents' place pretty soon. But I am not going to be a fool, so told her there is no way for her to get inside the house and she needs to wait until we come home. I did not tell her the new garage door code. I have the key to the new door lock as well, so she won't be able to come in.

She said "happy birthday, first, and I have a question. I need to go through my stuff, can I come in your house?" The way she approached bothered me. I know she does not have any bad intention, but this is exactly how STBXH used to behave. It is always about them. They would use people in order to get what they want, and if I ever make them feel bad about that, they get very defensive. It was very clear she did not make this international phone call to wish me a happy birthday. It was not today anyway (2 days late).

Today I really felt that there must be something wrong in STBXH and his sister's gene. How can they be so selfish??

It is too bad that I did not know these things when I decided to marry STBXH. I was young and naive.

Sigh....

I was watching a TV show last night about sex offenders. It is really difficult for them to control their desire, and even though my STBXH may not qualify for a sex offender yet, I realized how rough the road ahead of him might be. Even he said once that it might take him 10 years to get mentally healthy or he might get well now but may get sick again.

I feel like I am trying to find any negative information about him so that I can convince myself that DS3 and I would be better off without him.

Sometimes I feel I am doing a good job doing so, but am still really depressed when I think of all the paperwork that is waiting for me when I come back.

Milkshake,

How is your trip going? When do you come back to the States?

Have you had any contact from your H?

I've just been wondering how you're doing. From your last few posts, you don't seem to be doing as well as I'd hoped while you're away.