I am just soooooooooooooooooooo mad!!!

STBXH hasn't honored ANYTHING he has promised. How does he sleep at night????????????????????????

hey milk

things don't sound very good for you right now

are you able to at least pretend to be in good spirits around your son? i know it's hard for me to do this at work around my students and co-workers as everyone is so excited about the holiday and i just want to curl up in a ball and hide until it is over

my thoughts are with you milk

Mine too, Milk.

I'm so sorry your STBXH is such a selfish a$$.

{{{Milk}}}

Alph.

Thanks Eav and Alph. I spoke to his mother. She said this is exactly what MIL and FIL were afraid of happening. But STBXH does not listen to them. Yet he wanted them to let him move back in so that he can save money! How childish and selfish....

And he thinks he is getting HEALTHIER??? He thinks he is, b/c now he feels he is "standing up" for himself. He thinks being selfish is a good thing, b/c he is looking after his own interest (he told me this several times)...

What an a$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I replied to his email yesterday saying "I am sorry you decided not to follow our settlement agreement. Our lawyers can manage to develop the final settlement".

He replied to me right away - "As you wish. Just so that you know, I have also changed my mind about DS3 - I want a 50% custody".

What an a$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But there is no way he will win the custody. I just feel so sickening in my stomach. This is something he does to someone he has spent the past 15 years with? Where did my H go? Who is he? What does he want? Money and a new girlfriend?

I think its time you stop communicating with your STBX.

Call it plan B, call it spiritual survival, whatever. Communicating with him is HURTING you.

Thanks mojodiva. But we are invited to my in-laws. STBXH will be there too. I want DS3 to get presents like his cousins at his grandparents'. And I do not want to act like a defeated dog by not showing up at the last minute (I already told my MIL that we will be there a few weeks ago).

Guess I will make sure I will look good and not as if I have been emotionally beaten up by STBXH, as that would give him a sense of satisfaction.

But you are right, going forward, I need to minimize my communication with him. But I still don't get it. Why, why, why...... How can he do this??? He absolutely does not miss me.

Are there any GUYS here who divorced their wives thinking they were the source of unhappiness, etc., but regret later on? Do men look back and feel bad about their decisions? I feel that not many men do this.

Good morning Milk,
Thanks for the encouragement and support. I'm doing my best
this week, but it's hard, especially the closer it gets to
Christmas.
Was thinking last night about the way things have seemed to change just within this month. Around the first of the month
had seemed like WH was possibly spending less time with OW,
was more available to me, and was "leaning" more towards
me and the M. One particular weekend stands out in my mind
as particularly strange- WH called me on a Fri evening,
left me a message at work the next day, and called again
Sat. evening, all for no specific reason except just to
talk. That evening, I had started to say "what if we took
things really slow and went to counseling....etc." but cut
myself off before I said much. He called back later and
asked what it was I was going to say, so I told him and he
said "maybe so". Certainly that's not a big committment, but
just the way he said it really sounded like the most hopeful
and positive thing he had said about us in months. He said
he'd call the next day and maybe we could go to lunch or
do something. He did call the next morning and asked me to
lunch, but when we met up, something had changed- big time !
He was late, grouchy, didn't want to talk, and was so very
different that it was like "night and day". When we talked
later in the day, he was back to the mode of saying we'd
never had much in common, never had fun, didn't want the
same things, etc. and seemed almost angry, although I hadn't
done or said a thing that should have made him mad or upset. Felt bad that things had seemed to take a negative
turn and asked him to dinner later in the week, hoping to
turn it around and get back in a positive mood, but that
night didn't go very well either- he was still grumpy,
negative and not in the mood to talk. After that, I decided
I'd quit asking him to do anything, as I was just feeling
more down and upset afterwards..

Still don't know what happened- the only thing's I noticed
were that he was 30 minutes late when we met for lunch, and
then that during our dinner, he had a phone call and went
immediately to the bathroom for about 10-15 minutes, so must
have been on the phone. Also, two weeks ago while at our
house for his "usual" Sun. visit, his phone must have rang
4 times. He didn't answer, but didn't stay long, so made
me wonder. All these items have made me wonder if the delay
and calls have been OW and they are arguing, if she is
keeping a close "eye" on him all the time, or if it's a
different person- no way to know ! (but why either scenario
would make him grouchy to me, I don't get).

The past couple of weeks, he's called either every day or
every other day (just "touching base" as he calls it, no
real reason to call), and has come over as usual, on Sun.
to pick up his mail, drop off receipts, see the dog, etc.
but he hasn't stayed long. On both the two past Sundays,
he also asked if I wanted to go out to dinner the next
night, but then has not followed through and called to make
plans for dinner. This week, he called Mon night and said
he had been busy at work and was tired, but maybe we could
go to lunch Tues- then he didn't follow through on that
either !! Seems like he is very pre-occupied with something
or someone and makes me wonder if he's back in the "ga ga"
(fantasy) stage with OW or if he's hooked up with someone
new ? No way of knowing, but I am curious.
I've backed way off- not calling, not asking him to do
anything, and am trying to be very "opposite" of my normal
self by being less interested, not asking much, sounding
cheerful and anything else I can think of-
You have been "right on" in saying WH feels secure that I
would "take him back" if he decided he wanted to get back
together, and therefore, feels no real need to make much
effort or change anything. I want to really knock him out
of that "comfort zone" so must either really stick to and
find some very strong "180" methods or go to a Plan B.

A few weeks ago, WH said he wasn't "doing Christmas" this
year, but he has apparently bought gifts for his parents
and daughter. I was somewhat surprised that he didn't ask me
to help with the wrapping and shipping (as I always did that) and since I can't picture him doing it, I wonder if
the OW did all the work for him ? Makes me sick to have
her involved with his family and daughter (even if just
wrapping their gifts) and to think of them doing the fun
things that we normally do !!
Things WH has said make me think he is planning to give me
a gift, although I'd assume it will be something small and
quite impersonal. I had already bought something for him,
so guess I'll just have it ready in case, and if not needed
I can always return it ! I am just planning to do some
activites with my parents and some friends over the weekend
and am not going to even talk to Wh about my feelings or
plans about having our first Christmas apart in 11 years !

I am sorry your STBXH keeps changing his mind and "tune".
He surely must know that the child support is not negotiable
since it is determined by the state, and that him getting
the custody isn't going to happen, so almost seems like he
comes up with this stuff just to annoy and hurt you.
I liked your reply, as far as not discussing the settlement
further and leaving it to the lawyers, and I think I would
use that response to anything further he has to say about
any of the legal stuff. I'd also cut off all communication
with him except what you must do in regards to DS3, and not
give him any opportunity to "get your goat".

It's up to you, but I don't think there's any way I would
go to the in-laws if STBXH is going to be there !! I
think it gives him too much of an opportunity to further
hurt and annoy you, and to use DS3 as his leverage.
I think he also expects you to come, thinking you will be
desperate to see him and have the holiday together since he
acts like anything he does is him being "charitable" to you. I think it'd "blow his socks off" if you didn't come,
made your own plans, started new traditions with you and
DS3, and let him feel how it'll be from now on with him
having Christmas without his family ! (kind of what I'm
hoping to do too )
Perhaps you could do something with your IL's before or
after Christmas so that you and DS3 could still see them
but not see STBXH ?
Hope the rest of your week is good, and if I don't talk to
you before Christmas, I wish you a nice holiday with food,
friends and fun, and peace with it all.
Your friend,
Slammed

Thanks Slammed.

Your husband's behaviors make me think that he is "grouchy" b/c he is not happy, period. He does not feel happy with you, but he is not happy without you either. If he is so happy with OW, he would not be bothering you. It seems to me that he is searching for some "comfort" where he can really feel happy, but he can't find it, b/c it is inside of him. He is mad at you, b/c you are not making him happy, yet he does not know how else to get himself happy, so again, he is grouchy to you. This is ridiculous, b/c he cannot expect anyone to "make" him happy. Especially when he is not making any efforts whatsoever to work on his marriage!

You sound stronger, slammed. I know Christmas is hard, but you will get through this. I think you should continue to be positive and confident whenever you meet your husband. If he feels that you are not being needy for his love/attention, he may start to wonder a lot of things. You don't have to be mean, but can be very confident without him.

I wish at least STBXH had some "doubt" about his decision. He does not. He does not even miss me anymore. He hates me. Even if the way he portraied me in his mind is not true, it still saddens me to think how he feels about me after 15 years and a child. Especially if I kept telling him how I loved him and how I did not want a divorce. You would think that might touch his heart, but it did not. He just kept on hating me.

Thanks for your wishes for Christmas. Merry Christmas to you too!

Love,
Milk

Thanks Milk- your insight is always very helpful and on
target since our H's are so much alike !
Both seem to be very unhappy people, and both will probably
stay that way without some real work and help ! I think
they will also find that their problems go right along with them and there is no such thing as "greener pastures" !

I am trying to feel stronger and to "present" that front
even when I don't, but some days are easier than others.
I don't know that anything I do makes a difference, but I
do hope it makes WH think and wonder.
He has told me that he is afraid of making a decision and
then realizing he has made a horrible mistake, but I don't
know how he is ever going to make a clear decision without
working on himself and his issues first !

I feel that your STBXH is not as sure of himself as he is
trying to appear, or he wouldn't need all the "facade" of
"false bravado". His anger and frustration may be (as with
mine) the result of his not being happy and not being able
to find any way to be happy, and we know that that is due to
his issues, not anything about you. I do think that a part
of him knows the truth and that he will feel great regret
at his actions and behaviors, even if he doesn't "let on".
Both our H's may end up being very lonely, sad, bitter old
men because I really don't think either can sustain much of
any relationship as they are now.

Reminds me of an old boyfriend of mine. We dated off and on
for about two years and I was really crazy about him. He
traveled alot and I frequently went along with him, which
I thought was really fun and special. Then, we started to
have a lot of problems and it became apparent that he was
very "committment phobic". It was (up to now) the most
hurtful, frustrating and heartbreaking experience of my life
when we broke up and he ended up moving to another state
without even saying goodbye. I remember being so depressed
that I would get up in the morning and just lie down on the
living room floor, wanting to do nothing, but eventually it
got better, I started dating again, and after a few years
met my H. Would you believe that 10 years later, this XBF
looked me up, called me, and asked me to lunch saying he
would like to talk to me ? I did meet him, and he apologized
for his behavior, the hurt he had caused me, and answered
a lot of questions I had had about our relationship and why
it ended. Although time had faded a lot of the hurt and
resentment I felt towards him, it was nice to have the talk
and be able to feel a "closure", but what I remember most
is that he talked about how I had been the most loving
person he had ever been with, how much the times we had
together had meant to him, how "good he had it", how
horrible he acted, etc. All things I never would have
thought he noticed, much less remembered and there he was
telling me how much he DID know and remember and how much
REGRET he had. We kept in touch as friends for a short time but them lost touch, and I've not heard from him for a long
time now, but it gave me a good feeling because I had made a difference.
Just wanted to tell you this, because I believe the case is
the same with you and your STBXH. You are also making a
big difference everyday, in the life of DS3.

Hope your holidays are good, and if you do see STBXH, KNOCK his socks off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

Thank you for your post. It was such a hectic week last week. First, my dear friend (she introduced me to this website!) and her family (hubby and son) flew in on Monday evening to stay with us for a few days. Their son is the same age at mine, and they played really well together. Tuesday night we all went to church where they had a beautiful Christmas program. Then on Wednesday, we went to their friends' house for dinner (they used to live here).

Thursday morning, they left, and after I went to pick up my son, my girlfriend asked us to come over to her church since they were having Christmas mass and music, dance, food, etc. So we went. It was very nice. Then on Friday, my company had a holiday party for children so DS3 and I went to pick up my STBX sister-in-law and her son and all four of us went to the city for this party. The boys had a good time.

Then I got the last shipment I ordered for Christmas Friday evening when we got home, although it turned out that the present I ordered for my girlfriend was broken! We were supposed to meet the following day, so I had to go out to get another gift. I had had about 4 hour sleep every night last week, so by then I was extremely tired. Then after DS3 and I came home from the last minute shopping, a friend of mine came over with his son to give me and DS3 some gifts. We met many years ago while we were in business school. We have kept in touch on and off, but ironically I found out that he was going through divorce as well last year, and since then, we have been supporting each other emotionally.

We have had several "play dates" so far, and I got something for his son as well, but did not get anything for him, so I felt a bit bad when he showed up with a present also for me! But it was nice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Then on Saturday, I was spending much of the morning cleaning and cooking, since we were expecting guests on Sunday night but I knew I would not have time on Sunday to cook as we will be at my STBX in-laws's. DS3 opened up some gifts (he could not wait) that morning. Then in the afternoon, we went to my friends' house. They gave DS3 nice presents and he was very happy. We had good food and very nice time. We came home, DS3 fell asleep in the car, so I took him to bed and then started to wrap up his presents! Oh my, I finally went to bed at 2:30am....!!! I was DEAD tired. But that is what my parents did to me and my brother every year..., now my appreciation for them is even greater!

I wanted to go to church on Sunday morning, but after not sleeping enough for basically an entire week, we could not get up. Plus, the church I wanted to go was about an hour away, so I would not have had enough time to go there and come back to go to my in-laws.

DS3 was very happy with the presents from Santa, and would not open up gifts from ME. He said "I already had presents", which I thought was a very humble thing to say. So he did not open the rest of his gifts and we took off.

My mother-in-law again told me "thank you for coming, you ARE my daughter", which was very nice. And they gave me a gold necklace head just like everyone else in the family. That was very sweet of them. And oh my God, DS3 received SO MANY presents! It was like 20 presents or something. I was joking to DS3 "you've got so many - you are going to share them with Mama, right?", to which he said "sure". He was also very happy to see his Papa there. When we were leaving, STBXH was going to be (again) so dramatic that DS3 would have to go through this emotional trauma, but one of his sisters and brother came out so that he cannot make the scene. It is really nice to know that they do not believe that it was all my fault as STBXH claims that our marriage has broken down.

Then DS3 and I went home to finish cooking. My friends came over, DS3 finished opening the rest of his gifts, and oh my goodness, my friend gave me a gold bungle! He has been very supportive (when it snowed, he came all the way driving 40 minutes one way to shovel my drive way a couple of times). I received gifts from people who have been very supportive, and feel that they are going to bring me some luck and happiness in 2006!

Yesterday I was off, but needed to work so stayed home all day to do some work.

It was a busy week, but surprisingly, I had good time with my friends. It was not as hard as I thought it would be.

I am going to try to stay positive. My mom is right - nothing good is going to come out if I stay negative. There are so many people out there who are willing to help me, but if I DO NOT even try to stand up, they cannot help me walk forward. STBXH's family feels that he is making a big mistake, and has been supportive of me. That itself is good enough for me. It could have been worse. It is very unfortunate that HE does not see it that way, and left his family, but maybe I can stand up now. That is how I feel now.

In 2006, my main goals are to stay healthy and regain focus on my job. Without my health and job, I cannot take a good care of my son. My boss and coworkers have been extremely understanding and patient with me for the past year. It is now time for me to return something to them. I cannot keep dwelling on sad thoughts about STBXH. He is not the one who has been supportive, so I will try to start thinking of those who have helped me, not STBXH.

Thanks for writing that, I needed to hear that today.

Best wishes for all of us in 2006!

Every time I hear something from my lawyer or STBXH regarding out paperwork, it really depresses me. It's such an ugly procedure and the only people in the whole world who are happy about this is the lawyers!

milk

you sound like you are in a good place emotionally. i don't know how you've done it but i'm happy for you that you've found a way to get through each day.

Thanks Eav. I wrote a long reply last night but before posting, I lost it!

Eav, I might be in a slightly better place emotionally, but I still have many sad days. I read your post about the song - it is so true. I still feel this is a very long bad dream. But I guess I realized that STBXH has made up his mind, and no matter how his family, therapist and I have told him that he was not thinking rationally, he did not want to hear. There is nothing I can do. Unless he truly becomes a healthy person with no addictions and who is responsible, I do not think any relationships he may have in the future will survive. At the same time, once he gets healthier and finds a new love, he can be happy and that thought DOES drive me crazy.

But maybe he never belonged to me - there were so many things I did not know about him... Now that we have been separated for nearly 8 months, some of my memories of him living with us in the house DS3 and I are in now are fading. It is sad, but that is what time does. And now I can see how STBXH can be so cold towards me, b/c of the same reason - he has FORGOTTEN that he once was in love with me. If he does not see me all the time, he can conveniently forget all of our sweet memories so that he can move on.

I just do not want to live like this the rest of my life. My life will never be the same, unfortunately, but maybe I can be happy again. STBXH has done too much damage to our relationship and to our family - unless he becomes so humble and sincere, I am not sure if I can ever trust him again and take him back even if he comes back. It will take a lot. Because I have lost a lot of respect for him. He kept lying, lying, and he has become a person who can only think of himself. Even his family has told me that he has become extremely selfish. If he casually comes back, I know THIS TIME that he only needs a place to stay for free.

I just pray that DS3 and I can be happy again and have a warm, stable family with someone I can truly trust. I prayed so hard for STBXH's return, but it never happened. Now I am praying for the second best thing - a new happiness. Also I am praying that STBXH's heart will soften over time. We spent 15 years together and were married for 12 years. I do not want him to be bitter about our history. I really hope one day he will wake up and regret his decision. If the day will not come until 10 years later, I won't be waiting for him, but at least I may be able to feel a sense of closure finally if that ever happens.

I want to make 2006 a better year.

I have a girlfriend whose husband killed himself 5 years ago. He had an one-way emotional affair with someone he had met only 3 months before he died. And 4 days before he killed himself, he changed the beneficiary for his pension, etc., so all the money went to this young girl who could care less about him! He was married to my friend for 15 years or even longer.

She said to me "it was the most significant event in my life and I was so hurt and did not know what to do. I was completely lost. But now, I survived, and his death is not such a significant even anymore. I have moved on".

If the loved one's death can be faded away in your memory like that, I felt I should be able too! I can tell that she still misses him from time to time, but she has gotten so much stronger at the same time. There are guys who are pursing her, but now she is very strong that she does not need to fall for them and being very selective. I hope I will have that kind of strength in the not-so-distant future.

... but the thought that I will not have DS3 around this long weekend is killing me! Just because STBXH decided he wants freedom, why do I have to spend time away from DS3??

I think STBXH is well aware how much DS3 means to me and leveraging it to torture me...

Hi Milkshake.

I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. It sounds like you are doing much better!

I give you a lot of credit. It has to be so much tougher to try to move on when you have to have constant contact with you STBXH. I have to admit, it has been easier for me since I am about 900 miles from XH (and no kids). It is much easier to forget about him.

I wish you the best for 2006. Take care of yourself and your DS!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks SV1. I know I am not the first to go through this or the last, but I really appreciate that you are giving me a credit! Everytime I think of STBXH or our sweet memories, I tell myself "okay, enough, stop. Think of the future instead!" I just had to do this this morning. And I also think of those who are really sick..., I am sure for them, my problem is nothing. So I try to remind myself how lucky I am and I feel very bad for those who are truly suffering that I have been so selfish to think my problem is so big, and I apologize to them. Of course this does not work all the time, but I will keep trying.

I called STBXH this morning. Coming from Japan, the new year is a very big thing for me - it is the biggest holiday over there. Yet this weekend is HIS weekend to spend time with DS3. So I called and left him a message saying that it is his weekend and it is his call, but if he could let me spend some time with DS3 on Monday, I would really appreciate it. And I set my expecation at below zero (not even zero - b/c he could come back and attack me!). Then I got a call from him later - he said it is okay, he will drop DS3 off on Monday morning, as he understands the new year means a lot to me. I was very happy. So I called to thank him. I think for the first time since he left, we were "kind" to each other. I hope we can somehow sustain some of this so that we do not have to battle over every little thing over the course of our divorce.

How is everything with you? Are you planning on going out on the new year's eve?

Happy new year!