I just read Slammed's Christmas story and it made me think...

My STBXH has also gotten DUI when he was in college. I did not think it was a big deal, since it happened such a long time ago and it happened only once.

But then in 2004 he was arrested and diagnosed with sexual addiction. He had to so some community service and had to pay a lot for his lawyer as well. And his family, me, and my therapist all feel that his medication (he has been on Prozac since fall of 2004) is wrong and two therapists actually said they feel STBXH might be bipolar as well. Although he had always selfmeditated with marijuana for years, I guess he could not have been properly diagnosed with that.

He told me months ago that he has been sober. This could be true, but at the same time, he has said this to me many times in the past, and it turned out that he was just lying to me. Also just a few weeks ago he told me "I even quit chewing nicotin gum", and he made it sound like he is getting "healthier" b/c he does not live with me anymore, which truly hurt me.

But on Saturday while DS3 and I were waiting for STBXH to come pick up DS3, my son told me "papa has medicine gum (STBXH has told DS3 that what he is chewing is medicine)". I did not know he was still using it. Sure enough, when he arrived, he was chewing something, and DS3 asked him "papa, I have bubble gum, but you already have medicine gum, right? So this is mine" to which STBXH said "yes, I already have medicine gum in my mouth, so you can keep your bubble gum". So it is true that he is still using it!

He also told me that he started to exercise once he moved out, getting "healthier", but I am not sure if he is still exercising.

If he is not truly getting over his "addictions", why is he still convinced that I have been the cause for his addictions? He was happy when he moved out, but now he complains about his apartment. He said taking care of DS3 was driving him crazy, yet now he complains that he does not get to see his son very often (yet every time he comes to pick DS3 up, he is always late). He comes by to pick up DS3 every other weekend, and almost EVERY TIME there is something - his car needs oil change, he needs to do his laundry, he has to clean his apartment, he has to go pick up his medication, he's got a flat tire, etc...., you name it, but really, 95% of the time, he is 1-3 hours late.

So I don't understand. Is it really some kind of chemical imbalance that has made him act in this way? He does not seem that he is getting better, but he is convinced that he is - why is this?

Can addictions/mental illness screw up people that much that they cannot really tell what is happening?

My new year's resolution is to be able to think less about my marital problem and be able to start enjoying my life again.

Milk !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad I found you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've missed you my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I continue to pray for you always.

God loves you and DS3. You are in his care.
VTY

Dear VTY,

Happy New Year to you too! I was wondering how you have been doing. How were your holidays? How are things?

I hope 2006 will bring lots of happiness and peace to us all!

Milk

I wonder if STBXH has ever fondly remembered how we used to spend our holidays together with our family and friends...

Just a wasteful thought, I know.

Yesterday I spoke to STBXH (okay, maybe it was a mistake? But I felt it was needed...). If I call he would screen and would not answer, so I borrowed my friend's cell and he answered right away.

I basically wanted to ask how serious he is about settlement. I really think it is ridiculous that we have to spend so much money and time and negative energy on divorce. I never wanted a divorce, but if that is what he wants, I will give him one, but it does not have to be the ugly one. Plus whatever we will spend can be saved for S3.

He said he does want to settle. But now he sounds he just want more $$. Even when I mention DS3, he said "of course I want him the best, but at the same time I have to look after myself", so basically now he put himself above our son. When I told him that lawyers only want to make money, STBXH said "no, I think he really looks after me and wants a win-win situation, which is for both of us (STBXH and his lawyer) to make money". I couldn't believe he flat out said that! He basically admit that he just wants money! And what is the win-win situation, if that has to come from DS3's future money??? Plus, if anything, his family, me, and his close friends are the ones who care about his wellbeing, and not his lawyer, but he trusts his lawyer more than anyone else.

Still, the fact he said he wants to settle I thought was a good thing. And he said he would call me last night to discuss further.

The mistake I made was to believe that (AGAIN!). Of course he did not call. He hasn't called. He hasn't honored anything he has said and here I am, still believing his words. I feel extremely stupid and naive.

Then this morning when I was feeding DS3, he asked what is "inside" his shoulder. I did not understand what he was asking, but in the end I said "if you are asking what is underneath your skin here, you have bone, meat, blood, ...", then he said "yes, blood! Papa has a movie where blood comes out of the shoulder".

What kind of movie is he letting our 3-year-old watch? It is very disturbing. I told my son I did not want him to watch such movies, and he said "Papa has many bad movies and told me not to tell Mama".

How can he claim that he truly "loves" DS3 if he cannot even protect the little one? And I feel bad that there is nothing I can do about this.

Why do I keep putting up some hope?? I guess I wanted to believe STBXH will turn around or is not after all such a bad person, but my hope has kept being crushed.

Really, is there any end to this? Would he EVER wake up one day and feel what he has done and how he has broken his family, hurt me and DS3, for his own selfish purposes??

I am having 2006's first depressed day - well I was quite depressed yesterday, but I am feeling worse today.

I feel that unless I meet "someone", I won't be able to believe that I will be okay. I have one guy who has been pursuing me since June or July of last year (we sat next to each other on the train, and since then he has been asking me out). I do not want any type of relationship right now, and besides, I am not even interested in him, but the fact he has been pursuing me did give me a little hope that maybe I may meet someone in the future. And there is another guy whom I have known for a long time, and he is also going through divorce and we have been supporting each other throughout last year and have gotten closer (nothing serious, but we just talk to each other when we are down and we met up several times with our boys). Again, I am not interested in starting any type of relationship with him either, but I guess I would like to feel that my life may not end just because I won't have STBXH anymore.

But this thought disturbs me. Because this shows how weak I am, how I am dependent on "men" in my life. I think if I did not have my son, I may be able to feel that I am okay without men (in fact until I got married, I never really wanted to marry!), but I do not feel I will be okay without a father to my son.

There are a lot of women who have gone through what I am experiencing, yet they stand high. They do not use men to heal..., and I do not want that either. But I get really scared. Is it because I do not have any family in this country? Maybe. I am not sure what it is that is making me feel this way, because honestly, when I was dating back in school, I really never thought I "needed" a man to have a happy life. But when my "husband" and the "father" of my son are being removed from my life, I get really scared of my future. And I want to believe there is "someone" I can replace STBXH with. This is so backward...!!!

I really want to get out of this type of mentality and want to become truly STRONG.

So far, at least I have been able to work better for the past several weeks compared to a year ago, so that is positive...

Last night STBXH called and left a message "Milk, sorry I did not call you yesterday I was very tired and went to bed soon as I came home (is he telling the truth or is it one of his usual lies again? Probably the latter - he just wanted to speak to his lawyer before contacting me), and I am tired tonight too, but just wanted to say hi to DS3. DS3, I love you very much and I miss you so much. Oh I miss him so much - Milk, please give him a big hug and kiss for me".

Still, can't he call BEFORE 8PM like we agreed back in July or August of last year??? Since then, he might have called on time on the days he was supposed to call probably only for 4-5 times!!! 99.9999999999% of the time, he called later than 8PM (DS3 is in bed already) or he ended up not calling. And he claims he really loves DS3??? Can't he be responsible for once? Also he never shows up on time when he comes to pick up DS3. There is always something (laundry, cleaning, oil change, doctors, etc.) and he always managed to get to my place 1-3 hours late to pick up DS3.

I remember long time ago - even before we had DS3 - I asked STBXH if he ever wished he had married a very different type of woman who never complains and just listens to him, and he thought about it and told me this "no, because I know myself - I am weak and also a lazy person and I need a strong woman who has her head on her shoulder like you to guide me to a right direction".

And now he claims he needs freedom, which was granted when he moved out. Yet it sounds like his apartment is always a mess, he runs out of clean clothes, he does not like his apartment, and he misses his little boy very much.

I don't know how far he needs to go to realize that his "problems" will not go away even if he divorced me.

By the way, on new year's eve when he came by to pick up DS3, he asked me "so..., what are you doing tonight?".

Me "I am going out"
STBXH "With XXX and XXX (used to be our mutual friends, now they are my friends)?"
Me "with a bunch of my friends".

The truth was, it was with XXX and XXX and one more friend, but I did not think I needed to tell him the details.

Obviously, our divorce process continues, and right now all STBXH could care about is $$$, so I am not raising any hope or anything, but does this question show he might be still interested in my life? Or do you think this is the way for him to "manupulate" me in some way to get what he wants (=$$$) soon? For example, he may want to find out if I have money to go out?? Then he could say "see, I don't even have money to go out" or something??? Although, his rent is only 1/4 of the mortgage I am paying, plus I am paying for his car, and DS3's daycare while he gives me about 20% of his net income, that's it. And our salary difference is not that much (I make more). So I don't know how he can try to use such information against me, but seeing how crazy he has become, this is possible.

Any thoughts?

Milk, what is the status of discovery in your D process? I think you just keep the lid on and enjoy your life and let him stew over the money. In the long run I would guess he will have to fork over more to you each month. Does DS3 mention missing his dad?

Faith, STBXH says he wants to settle, but wants more $$$, so he and his lawyer are working to get it.

Unfortunately, DS3 misses STBXH, yes. As long as he does not see his father, though, he is actually okay. He used to ask me where his Papa was, why his Papa is not home with us, etc., but that has passed. Now he thinks his father is someone who lives in his own apartment. But everytime he gets dropped off by his dad, he claims he rather be with his dad, which truly hurt me. And STBXH does not really discipline DS3 - he gets to see any movies/TV shows (thus hie comment on this violent movie he saw at his dad's place), he does not go to bed early enough, and STBXH still does not take DS3 to potty (and he still puts on diapers on him!). So it must be pretty comfortable being with STBXH.

When we were together though, DS3 always came to me if he needed anything, so it might be b/c he does not get to see his dad often that he wants to stay with STBXH, but still, my heart breaks everytime I see him cry for his dad.

What is your attorney's thinking on this? Have you asked for child advocate or court advocate to insist that your stbx take parenting classes? Putting diapers on a 3 y/o because he is too lazy to take him to the bathroom is ridiculous! Don't take it personally Milk. They always miss the one that they can't count on. You are always there, you are reliable so DS misses his pappa.

Hi Milk-
Am getting caught up after several days away from the computer and appreciated your support and comments on my
recent post- I updated today.

I have felt like you have understanded my situation probably
the best of anyone, since your STBXH has been so similiar,
with the addictive type behaviors and possible depression/
Bipolar disorder.
I have thought for a long time that my WH was possibly mis-diagnosed and on the wrong medicines, and feel a great relief in finding out that this has been the case- WH met with the psychiatrist Tuesday and has been firmly diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. The Dr told him that it is quite frequent that people with bipolar are diagnosed with "just"
depression and are frequently put on the entirely wrong type
of meds, which either doesn't help any, or can make them
worse. He also talked some about the obsessive-compulsive
disorder which WH clearly has (as does his Mother), and the
relationship between it and other anxiety related disorders
and their connection with Bipolar. I think I remember you
saying that your STBXH and some of his family showed traits
of OCD too, and sounds like he could definitely be bipolar.
(Dr told us that depression alone is usually just depression
but depression "driven" by anxiety is usually a bipolar type
condition). My WH started new meds two days ago, and is
going back to Dr next week to see how it's going, as well
as back to his therapist.

He is still talking some to OW, which concerns me a lot but
I am trying to give it a little time and hope it will die
out now - WH has been staying at home for the past few days,
is wearing his wedding ring, and told Dr we were trying to
work things out and reconciling, so I have hopes...
while still being somewhat guarded and leery. I had my IC
last night, which helped with all this new scenario to
digest...

I'm sorry that your STBXH is still acting very erratically
and shows such lack of responsibility. Have you addressed
(and documented) the issues with allowing DS3 to watch
violent movies, stay up too late, and using diapers ?
Does your lawyer know about it ? Might make a difference on
his visitation -
Sounds like your STBXH likes the "status" of being a Dad,
but doesn't act much like one and sounds like he can't
really even take care of himself. Wonder if he is kind of
using DS3 as sort of a legal "leverage", but his big interest will fade quicky once things are settled ?

It is interesting that your STBXH keeps a lot of contact
with you and shows curiosity about your life and events-
I'm sure in moments of clear thinking that he must realize
what he's about to lose... you're a very special person !

Slammed

Faithful, thanks for your comment. I know, I must not take DS3's saying "I want to go to Papa's house" too personally. I do not doubt STBXH's love for DS3, but I do doubt his "execution" of his love for DS3 - he still priortizes his own needs, not DS3's needs. Last night he called for DS3, so I asked him "what kind of movie are you letting DS3 watch?". Then I told him what DS3 has told me. DS3 has also told me several times in the past "Papa has a lot of bad movies (= violent movies), and told me not to tell Mama". This really bothers me, b/c he is (1) not only letting our young son watch inappropreate movies, but also (2) teaching DS3 to essentially lie!

STBXH started laughing when I told him what has happened. Then jokingly "I need to talk to DS3", so I said "are you going to tell DS3 again to lie to me?" I told him "if you are letting him watch some movies you felt were okay, but it turns out they have some violent scenes, then please either switch off the TV or take DS3 to different rooms or distract him so that he won't see it or something. That is what I would do. And please do not teach him to lie. He has to be honest with his parents".

He always complained that I was being too "serious" or "heavy" b/c I had so many rules (no TV during dinner, no violent or sexual movies in front of DS3, no guns around the house or guns needed to be locked up, no cursing, no all-day-long computer games, etc.) in the house. I felt they were important, but it is clear that STBXH is not on the same page. Obviously he still believes that I need to "lighten up". I thought we had many things in common, but these "differences" we have between us have helped convince STBXH that we are not compatible.

It is strange, b/c when I come here and talk about these things, or when I am talking with my friends, I do realize that my requests were not necessarily too demanding like STBXH has always claimed. But when I am with him or even talking with his family (even though I love them and they are supportive of me, they grew up in a family where father always cursed in front of children, they have always owned guns, they have always watched TV while they eat, and they let young children watch violent movies), I feel like I am the biggest a***. But we are talking about our own boy here - of course I want to try my best to raise him right!

Slammed, thank you for your kind words. I read your post, and I am very happy for you. Your WH does sound a lot like STBXH when it comes to their mental illness - like I mentioned, some doctors did feel that mine also has bipolor, not just depression, but STBXH wouldn't listen to them and keeps taking only ADs. Ever since he started to take ADs, his personality has changed - he became extremely emotionally numb and cold. But he claims he is doing better. So what can we do. I wish at least he would go see a different doctor to get more accurate diagnoses.

Did I mention that STBXH has also gotten DUI once long time ago? And he used to get tickets like once a quarter or something. It was ridiculous. He hates cops.

I also called police once 10 years ago or something on him - we were arguing, and he got really close to me and he was holding me against the wall with his hand on my chest, and I got really scared. In the end, I canceled the call (although they ended up arriving at our apartment), but I remember I "feared" him for physically harming me.

I am not trying to make it sound like he is a maniac person. Most of the time, he had mild temper. When he got angry though, he curses, his face changes so much that it scares you that he might do something physical. Every time he started yelling and cursing, even our big dog got scared and went underneath our bed.

Like I said, he and some of his family members have ADHD/ADD, OCD, depression, and addictions. I wish he at least agreed to take some appropreate medication!

But I cannot "make" him do anything. Like your case, Slammed, things had to happen and he has to want to make some changes. He did have some moments (like when he was arrested in 2004) that scared him so much that he became so humble and wanted to change his behaviors - unfortunately, it did not last very long. After all, blaming me and his own family for his problems is easier.

Unless he finds someone like himself who believes in "casual living" with no responsibility in life, I do not think any relationship he may have in the future will work out. I guess that is why his therapist told him not to date anyone for the next five years. But his therapist does not believe STBXH has bipolar. He does not think STBXH is being inmature either. He sounds like a good therapist, but I am not sure if his views on STBXH are accurate. STBXH hasn't done IC for a long time - he goes to see this therapist once a week, but this is a group counseling for SA, so I am not sure if the counselor has a good grip on how STBXH has been doing individually.

Again, that is not something I can control.

Milk-
Your STBXH is SO like mine- he definitely sounds like he has
multiple issues going on and needs some further evaluation,
therapy, and or/medication. And, I'm very, very, familiar
with being the spouse who so much wants the other partner
to take the steps and make the effort to get the help !
It was so very frustrating to know that something was wrong
and watch WH suffer, and our M to suffer because of it.

I am feeling really good that WH is now realizing he does
have a problem and issues, has gotten a good diagnosis and
is under the care of a therapist and psychiatrist with some
new, good meds that will hopefully really make a difference.

I'm also realizing that it's going to be a long road ahead
and that things still may not end up working out with WH.

I know that a large part of him being apologetic, humbled,
clingy and needy with me last week was the initial shock
of the DUI situation, and his anxiety and depression really
"kicking up",and I think he needed and wanted the support,
care, and comfort of me and being at home. I just hope that
the "enlightenment" he had was not temporary and that he
won't return to the foggy thinking patterns that led him to
get involved with OW to begin with.

He stayed at our house for five nights, but then last night
decided he'd like to stay over at his rented room. (he did
ask me to come over and eat dinner with him). It does appear
that he is not seeing OW right now, but I do know that they
are still talking, and I don't know what the true situation
with that is... (he initially acted like he was breaking it
off but had to do it "gradually", then since has said it is
"mutual" ???)

I don't feel like I can put a great deal of pressure or
ultimatum on WH right now while his mental state isn't too
good, but I do want him to realize that I can't "be there"
for him if he's going to still be involved with her.
My IC has suggested that I leave that situation alone (he
and OW) so it can "die a final death", and try to be helpful
and supportive, but without doing too much- both a lot
easier said than done !!

I totally agree with you that both our H's are not going to
be able to have any real relationship with anyone for any
length of time without some serious help and changes. They
aren't going to find peace or happiness with anyone until
they get the issues resolved within themselves first, and
get their "acts together"- BIG TIME !!

I think it's interesting that people with apparent mental/
emotional issues and addictions further complicate things
with issues like the drinking. The people working with my
WH now, and even the counselors in the "alcohol awareness"
program he had to do with previous DUI have said he is not
an alcoholic but does have alcohol "issues". Yet another
thing he now has to work on resolving !!

I'm so glad you have DS3, and it's very apparent that his
love, support, and steadiness in life are coming from you,
not STBXH !! I also think your guidelines for DS3 are
very, very reasonable, and you should be proud of raising
your son to have some morals, character and strength.
Hang in there !
Slammed

Thanks for your support and kind words Slammed.

How was your weekend? I had pretty busy but nice weekend with DS3. I again tried to explain to DS3 over the weekend how his daddy and mommy's rules are different when he wanted to watch inappropriate movies. I also told him that because I love him so much and care for him, sometimes I may have to say no to certain things, because I want him to be a "good" person. He said "okay", but after all, he is only three and I am not sure how much he understood.

I spoke to one of STBXH's sisters who have also a 3-year-old son, and she did not want her son to watch what mine is being allowed to watch at his daddy's house. STBXH has a belief that I am too "uptight" about these things, but I wanted to tell him that his own sister does not share the same view as him either!

He won't listen to me anyway, so I did not say anything - next time, though, if he says things like "I don't think it's a big deal" or "you make big deal out of it" or "you are too serious" or anything, I will let him know that his own sister agrees with me on setting some limits to TV/movie viewing.

The slight good thing is, last week he was paid and supposed to give me a support check. He did not give that to me by Friday, and I was going to wait till this week to bring that up. On Saturday, while DS3 and I were out, he called and left me a message saying that "I will swing by to drop off the check". And Sunday morning he called so I thanked him for the check. He said sure, and asked if we were out the previous night. I just said yes, and he did not ask anything further, but when he realized that we were about to park our car to go to a store, he said "okay, I will talk to you later then". I wonder if he called (1) to see if I did receive the check, (2) to possibly talk about the settlement, or (3) for no particular reason.

Of course I wish his call yesterday morning was due to (3), but I have to be careful. In the past, he has done this so much to raise my hope - only resulting in crushing my heart even harder later on. I have to be prepared - he wants money, nothing else right now. So even though I hate doing so, I have to look at things not so naively - if he calls, most likely it is because he wants to speak to DS3 or wants to talk about money/settlement.

I have to continue to emotionally detach from him. If a miracle happens that ends up bringing STBXH back, then I will think of what to do at that time - for now, I am not presented with such opportunity, so I have to protect myself - I have to continue to think that he is GONE forever, and I will have a different life without him. I like to dream about this "future partner" of mine just to give me some boost.

Milk,
You are doing great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I think there is something to be said for detaching a bit. In your case it is hard to do with a young boy, but you are doing it.

All the best....

I am on a mission....got to find my thread.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Daisy! I have been wondering where you are and how you are!!! How are you and how were your holidays?

As you can see, I DID survive my holidays. They were not as bad as I thought. Although certainly I would hope that by the end of this year, my holidays will be 100 times better!!!

STBXH called yesterday at 6:25pm - he said "I just wanted to make sure you have picked up DS3". I said "yes", but was thinking why he asked that. It turned out he thought it was Tuesday, and since he was still at work and could not pick up DS3 (he is supposed to pick DS3 up on Tuesday every other week, but he does not do this on a consistent basis), he wanted to call.

I was thinking - what if it WAS Tuesday for real?? DS3's daycare closes at 6:30pm. If I assumed STBXH went to pick up my son, I would have NEVER been able to get there on time. Why didn't he call earlier??? That is sooooooo irresponsible!

Milk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />,
Hang in there...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think you need to accept that he is what he is and it is very unlikely that he will change. If it really had been Tuesday, someone from the daycare would have called you and you would have rushed over there and gotten your son and then you would have made a note of this for your lawyer!!! So, since it was not Tuesday, shake your head, accept that your H is what he is and relax today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Is he picking him up today? Know that if your H failes to pick up your sun today or at any other time, your son will be save with the people at the daycare. Just make sure the day-care has a phone number where they can always reach you just in case. I know this new info sucks, since now you will be 'stressed' every time it is your H's turn to pick up DS, but try to relax. It is unlikely that this will happen often, but if it does, just accept that these are the curve balls thrown our way in life...

And know that you are a good mom and your DS can always count on you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All the best milk,
Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Daisy. Actually, they won't call unless it is almost 6:30pm and if you get there late, you will be charged for every minute after 6:30pm. So if it was Tuesday, I would not have been able to be there on time.

He said he would let me know, but I haven't heard anything from him so who knows what is happenning today. Some people I guess never learn how to be responsible, huh.