One of my biggest questions to myself has been - "why do I still care? Why do I still want him back???"

(1) he is the father of my dear son whom I love more than anything in the world
(2) we have spent so much time together that he has become a part of my life and I just simply could not imagine my life without him
(3) I thought we were meant to be together
(4) he used to be very sweet and made me feel very special by repeatedly saying that he was the luckiest man on this earth to be with me
(5) I have grown so close to his family as well, and they are also a part of my and DS3's lives

I do realize that these are common reasons - there are many people out there who have gone through similar experience and do not wish to get divorced for the exact same reasons. I used to feel that our relationship was very special and unique. Now I feel that after all, STBXH was not a very special or unique individual. I did love him very much, and I still have a lot of feelings for him, but he was not the kind of person once I belived he was.

I think, though, if we did not have a child, I might have said "fine, okay, I will let go" much sooner. I do not want to make it sound like I only want STBXH back because of my child, but DS3 is playing a big role here that is for sure. Even though STBXH is extremely unreliable and irresponsible, I know he loves DS3 so much. If I meet someone in the future, he would never love DS3 as much as STBXH does. When I think about that, it really makes me sad. Then again, I know if I choose a right guy (this time!), he will be a lot more responsible and reliable, so in the end, he may end up providing a better environment for DS3 to grow up in. I want DS3 to have a father who loves him to death, which takes actions as well - too much to wish? STBXH is lacking "actions" to prove his love for his son, but since I know that his "love (feeling-wise)" is there, maybe I tend to hang on to it. At least one sure thing is better than nothing - maybe that is how my mind is working.

I just want STBXH's mental issues to be passed on to DS3. According to many books related to SA (sex addiction) I have read, a lot of issues he has is a "family" disease. He has inner struggle due to his upbringing, and he is simply passing it on to the next generation. I certainly do not wish DS3 to have similar issues as his dad in the future. STBXH's biological mom died when he was only 22 months old, and he and three other siblings were raised by their stepmom, who treated her own kids much better. This traumatized all four of them (thus two half sisters have completely different personalities than the first four who came from the same biological mother who passed away), resulting in many issues (all four of them have/had alcohol, drugs and sexual addictions as well as depression).

My friends said it is better for DS3 then to be away from STBXH. But my fear is that if DS3 has to go through the same thing STBXH went through (not having his own parent and raised by a step parent), he may end up having the same issues as STBXH then!

I guess this is when I feel like I NEED to meet someone I KNOW would be more normal, responsible, reliable, and mature - so that maybe I can believe that DS3 will be okay.

I won't look for anyone only for the sake of DS3, though. I do not want him to feel that I "chose" such life/family because of him. But of course I will have to keep DS3 at the top of my list when I consider any new relationship - because if S3 will not be happy, I will not be happy.

STBXH is going to pick up S3 tonight. This morning DS3 told me "Mama, I want Papa to pick me up. Like Brian (= one of his friends at his daycare). Brian's daddy picks him up all the time". These comments really tear my heart apart. I wish he had a "full-time" daddy like other kids.

I do "horsey" with him (although I am a petite person and cannot continue this much longer....!), put him on my shoulder when we go out, we cook together, we take out garbage together, we pick up our dog's dropping together, we fix up his toys together, etc., but I cannot be his daddy. I cannot throw him up in the air and catch him. I do not have the deep voice that sounds so assuring and secure.

When STBXH was home, we used to sleep with all of our bedroom doors open. Now, DS3 always ask me to close those doors, because he is "scared". I always tell him "Mama and our dog will protect you, don't worry", but hearing this from a 100 pound woman may not sound so convincing - he still wants those doors closed and locked.

I understand I need to heal and if I am happy my son will be happy - but I understand that only in my head. My confidence has been totally hammered over the past 13 months, and I am not really sure of anything anymore. I wish I could redo my life all over again.

Even small, rather ridiculous thing such as reading an article about Angelina Jolie being pregnant makes me very mad and sad. Since the breakup of Pitt and Aniston happened about the same time when STBXH dropped the bomb, I was really hoping that some type of miracles would happen to save their marriage.

Probably whoever may enter into my life as a partner in the future may have better influence on DS3 (if I choose the right kind) than STBX - even if he may not love DS3 as much as STBX does. I am trying to convince myself this as well. But it is just so sad. Why can't S3 have both? Why can't he have a biological father who loves him so much and because of that he would do the right things for him - it is just not so fair that my son does not get this while other kids in his daycare all have that (okay, I do not know that for sure, yes, but other parents all seem to be very responsible and happily married...).

I wish there is a piece of paper guaranteeing that everything is going to be okay and in the end this is better for DS3 and I! Then I can believe it!

Hi Milk-
Have been much busier at work lately and not on the boards,
but am glad to hear that you are sounding pretty upbeat and
things are going well with DS3.

I think your reasonings for wanting to be with STBXH and
to restore your marriage are very much what all of us want
and think too, at least I do. Having been with a person for
a length of time and integrating our lives together make it
very hard to change our entire "mindset", and it seems to
me that it's one of the hardest things about divorce !

I know that we are perfectly capable of being on our own-
I have sometimes needed to remind myself of this when I've
thought that I "needed" WH. I remind myself that I've been
taking care of our house, the dog, the yard, my car, etc.
for these many months, and that I've done a good job of it.
I've also tried to keep busy with my normal activities,
friends and family, and celebrated the holidays as best I
could without WH.

At times while we've been seperated, I have, of course,
missed WH and things we used to do, and have thought it'd
be nice to be with someone again. At other times, I've
felt like it's been nice to not have to worry about another
person, and thought I'd be unlikely to get heavily involved
with anyone or every think of marrying again- so I guess
it's one of those things where I'd have to just see how
things went when the time came---

I can understand your feeling like DS3 is missing out on
some of the things that two-parent families have or do,
but things are probably not all as they seem for them-
after all, other people, couples, families, often look
"normal" or really good on the outside, but we never know
what may be going on at home- like financial difficulties,
fighting, abuse, or other problems.

I think your DS3 is getting all the love, support, care,
education, upbringing, morals, etc that he needs from you
and his extended family. I don't think you should feel like
he urgently needs a male figure right now, or that you have
to rush right into a relationship or be "on a mission" to
try to find a male just to be in his life. Right now, your
STBXH doesn't seem like he is at all capable of being a good
father, but maybe in the future he will be !? While your
STBXH is in his current condition, I feel like DS3 IS in
a better situation -

Don't know how much of the mental/emotional issues like your
STBXH and my WH have are hereditary or genetic, but at least
you know enough about the situation that you can be on the
watch for any signs that come up, plus your DS3 has a big
thing that your STBXH and his family sound like they never
had- a steady, stable, voice of reason - as in yourself !

Still don't know how the situation with my WH is going to
end up, but I am amazed and pleased to see the changes in
him in just a week after having been finally diagnosed and
put on the proper medicine- his whole personality, mood,
and attitude have changed for the better. He says he and
OW have "broken it off", and as far as I can tell, he has
not seen her for the past two weeks- however, I do know they
still talk some, so it's not all over with yet.
I have felt some hope though, as he is now wearing his
wedding ring again, he just opened a new joint back account
at his job for us, and we've been spending more time with
each other- so I guess, it's slow going, but we'll see how
it goes....
Hang in there- I think you are doing very well with handling
everything-
Slammed

Thanks for your continuous support Slammed. I am very happy to hear things are going well for you and your husband. Do you think it is largely the DUI incident or his new med that have motivated him to change his behaviors?

It's probably both, and he needed both at the same time. And it was a good thing that he got them at the same time. Otherwise, who knows, it might have not been strong enough to make changes.

STBXH had those moments as well, but he REFUSED to change his doctor or med. I wish he did listen to me or his parents or his sisters. But in my case, that might have not worked anyway, b/c when he lost his job, it was when he really wanted to move out - he would have probably still felt that he was "missing" something. In your case, your H was gone by then for a long time, and had enough time to think many things before the DUI incident took place.

Anyway, life is strange, eh. You never know what you are going to get. I certainly never imagined my life would winding up like this. Never. But at the same time, NO ONE who got married EVER thought they would end up divorcing either, and 50% of the couples end up divorcing, so talking about how wrong our projection can be.

STBXH is lately upbeat, and so far has called DS3 before 8PM for twice. I want to believe that he is finally becoming a bit more responsible, but since that has never been the case, I am afraid to believe - I wonder if his lawyer has suggested that otherwise his visitation might decrease?? Because last Friday I sent an email to my lawyer about (1) STBXH is letting our 3-year-old inappropreate movies and also told him not to tell me, (2) he owns guns but does not keep them in a locked box/storage, (3) he still puts on diapers on our 3-year-old b/c he does not have the patience to take him to bathroom on a regular basis, and told him that if this trend continues, I would like to limit his visitation right. I did not hear anything back from my lawyer, and have no idea what is going on, but the very next day on Saturday, STBXH came by to drop off his check to me, and on Monday and Wednesday of this week, he called on time for DS3, and on Tuesday when he took DS3 out for dinner, he returned DS3 on time, so I wonder if my lawyer had a talk with his lawyer.

If that is the case, I am not as pleased. He is being "forced" to do right things, not because he feels it is important or appropriate for him to do.

Or I wonder if he "found" a new love and he is just simply a happy camper. This is a possibility. After all, it's been more than a year, and as a SA guy, I know it is not easy to be alone without a woman next to him. If this is the case, again, I am not pleased, but there is nothing I can do here.

Milk,
No guarantees is what makes life more intersting (or so they say).

You will be ok milk. Bumps in the road will come along here and there (ok, this one is more like a hill and not a bump) but you will get through this. It has been a long ride. Try not to think about it that much though. It can be quite depressing to think it has been going on 13 months. Besides, that statement is not accurate. The dynamics and your emotions and reactions have changed over time to this event in your life. You are dealing better with the situation. Think about how you feel today....you are stronger then you were when I first read your posts. So, keep it up that march forward <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. YOu are doing great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your kind words Daisy. I did not have any "good" days a year ago, but now I sometimes do, so you are right, at least I have made some progress (tiny tiny baby steps...).

Humans are strange - we cannot mate forever like wolves or eagles, yet we cannot accept that our partners no longer belong to you either like other animals that mate with different partners every spring. We are so complicated and our life seems tough, even though we have safe homes, food, and medicines.

All I can do at this point is to move forward. The world does not stop just because I am having marital problems... And DS3 has a right to be happy, and I cannot let this family breakup have even bigger impact on his life than necessary. I have to minimize it.

You sound very strong and calm Daisy. I could not find your thread - how are things with you and your H? The last post I read was about some paperwork you received and you left him a message and he called back to thank you. Do you now feel that you will be okay with or without him?

I have survived without STBXH for this long, so I know I will be okay. Before, I really thought my life would end. It did not. But still, my heart hurts when I think of the whole thing and especially when I think of DS3. But I want to believe that in the end things will work out for the best.

One interesting thing - I like staying home, but also I used to enjoy getting together with friends on weekends. But since STBXH and I got married, he complained that we ALWAYS get together with MY friends, not his. But in my mind, we always went to see HIS side of family (since mine is 10,000 miles away) during the weekends, and he really does not have that many close friends, it was natural that we winded up spending more time with my friends. Still, I told him that of course we could spend more time with his friends if he wanted, but he does not like "organizing" things, so that almost never happened. In the end, I felt bad that it was always with my friends, we all together stopped getting together with friends so often.

Now I do not have to worry about this, I enjoy getting together with whoever I choose to. DS3 and I stay home usually during the weekday but on weekends we go out often to get together with other families. It is nice that I do not have to worry "oh, what is he going to say if I tell him that we have been invited by XXX for dinner over the weekend..., he will probably be cranky and wants to stay home instead...".

I hope I can continue to be able to find "positive" things in my new lifestyle...

Milk

Money was not (that) important to STBXH. Now it all changed. I have heard similar stories many times before. For some reason I did not think that apply to STBXH. Oh sure, it does BIG TIME!

I guess the reason behind is that in their mind, they have the RIGHT to move on to be happy, and in order to start all over again, they need MONEY. Even though money is coming from kids' savings.

Do they ever feel bad about these actions at some point in the future? Or do they end up justfying their actions all the way?

I thought I have forgiven STBXH or can forgive him, but now after he has become such a nasty monster, I am not very sure if I can ever forgive him. I will always have this idea back of my mind - "remember, he is perfectly capable of turning into a money-oriented cold blooded a$$". Isn't this sad?

I keep hearing those who want to reconcile even after their spouses have abandoned their family emotionally, physically and financially - even if they stop paying for child support and maintenance - some people are willing to take their spouses back. Can they FORGET and FORGIVE their spouses' unhuman like actions?

Just wondering...

I was just thinking today - what our purposes in life? I have always had things I wanted to accomplish, and also I always thought I would have a normal (I know, what is normal? but back then, I did not think too deeply about this) happy family with two kids.

Now I DO NOT have a happy family, it does not seem that I would have two kids, and it does not appear that I am accompish those I wanted (because I do not have energy or drive now). I have pretty much focused on reconstructing my broken marriage, but that did not happen. Now why am I here?

This thought made me sad. So I questioned myself - if I felt that I had purposes in my life BEFORE STBXH left, then why wouldn't I have them still? Because STBX could not have been the purpose of my life, then what difference does it make? Just because the situation created by him made me sad, it does not mean that now I cannot do anything I once wanted to do.

But this is a powerful thought. When I am depressed, it seems I am just wasting my time here while not acheiving anything meaningful. I want to believe I am making a difference in DS3's life, but sometimes even that cannot convince me strongly enough that my existence is being appreciated and has been meaningful.

I hate to give this much power to STBXH. He does not determine my life nor should not give this "meaning" to my life. Yet the sad reality is, when the big part of my life is taken away, you just stand there feeling completely lost.

I am doing better, compared to a year ago. But I still have those moments where I just question: what am I doing here?

Maybe it is the dark clouds and cold rain out there that is making me feel this way...

Went to church and after that went out for dinner and a movie (Memoirs of a Geisha) with my girlfriend tonight.

Thinking about Dr. Martin Luther King and the little girl who became a #1 geisha got me to think - while they appear so different, one thing in common was - their determination. They faught, faught, and faught. They never gave up.

The life I feel so out of control at times and depressing is nothing compared to those people's lives. So...., I got to put myself together and become a warrior! My life is not over yet...., I need to stand up and fight!

The movie was quite different from the book though, by the way...

Milk,
I liked the movie as well, but the book was better! Really enjoyed learning abou that.....

You are stronger milk...it just takes time, baby steps. Day by day it is difficult to see, but when you then look back a couple months and really think about it, you have made progress.

And, yes, your life is not over! I don't know how old you are, but you sound young.....it will all come together for you again.

Best,
Daisy

Thanks for your post, Daisy. I could not have imagined spending my weekend alone without STBX and DS3 a year ago, so I guess I have made some progress!

I look young (often people think I am about 10 years younger than I truly am) and may sound young but am not that young anymore, regretfully. But I am not old yet either and you are right, one day at a time, and I can get my life back again....someday!

Milk

I know what you mean about the age. People think I look much younger then I am as well, and now on top of it all, I feel like I have aged 5 years of something like that, in the last 8 months. I feel older than 30 that is for sure.

I saw H yesterday, and I never used to feel older then him. I am older (1 and 1/2 years) but when we were together I did not feel that way. Now, talking to him, I did feel it.

Anyway, enjoy your day! So, what did you end up doing on your long day weekend? We didn't have one up in Canada. Lucky you!

Daisy

Thanks Daisy. I replied but it did not get posted!

I have been doing relatively speaking okay these days... Maybe it is simply because STBX and I haven't spoken about our divorce lately... I want to believe it is more because I am getting stronger and independent, but it probably has more to do with our not speaking about the ugly D process. Still, like I said, a year ago I could not imagin being able to focus on my work during the day..., so I believe I AM getting stronger!

Daisy, I read your post. After reading Slammed and your sitches, and given our WH's are similar in terms of their mental issues, now I believe mine is having an affair as well. Lately he has been in a good mood, so it is possible that he has "found" a new love.

But now having heard about a lot of people's experiences, I am certain whatever that might be going on in STBX's life, it is not going to last. Now I am convinced. What kind of woman would seriously want a man who abandoned his family to get away from his responsibility while he had many mental issues? If she really wants to be with him, it must be because she herself has some addictions/mental issues. Otherwise she would not want to build any serious relationship with someone like him (the way he has been in recent years, I mean).

Of course STBX will lie to this woman saying that he HAD to leave me because I was a horrible wife... If she believed that, then she will soon find out herself how STBX is not a Mr. Perfect!

Just when I felt that things have been quiet with STBX, which has been helping me focus on my work, I received a financial disclosure statement from him. Which means he is not going to settle soon (initially he wanted to settle without doing all of these paperwork). He just never honor anything he has said!!!

I don't think these things depress me now so much because I feel betrayed again - I guess that is now expected. I do not trust him. But I do get depressed because I feel I have been such a fool. And I get depressed because I feel people can change so much for worse. STBX was always a nice guy, but now no one really understands him. This really bothers me. I cannot trust my own judgement anymore. People I thought was wonderful can become a total jerk.

Since yesterday when I received the document in mail, I have been depressed. I had a really small hope (even though I knew it was dangerous to have one!) that the reason STBX has been quiet is possibly because he might be having a second thought about our divorce. So receiving the document yesterday totally destroyed my last piece of hope, and again, I felt very betrayed. I know this is probably my fault, as I SHOULD NEVER had such hope...., since STBX is not the same person I once knew...

But it still hurts. Why can't he see that we could have a wonderful marriage together with our beautiful boy? Why can't he see that no one is perfect and even if he gets involved with someone else, she cannot make him complete??

bump...

...just feeling down today...

(((Milkshake)))

I understand losing another small bit of hope. It it so hard for me to believe that my WH doesn't have any doubts at all about what is happening to our family.

This is such a slow painful death.